Loved the script. Very funny and creative. I can definitely imagine the characters and scenes, in fact a lot of the characters could probably be played by you! Maybe you should pull an Eddie Murphy and play every character (or at least a lot of them).
Typos: I noticed on page 5 (no big deal, but I thought I would let you know) it says "lost" instead of "lots". Also page 8 it says "here" instead of "hear".
I can't wait to see how you capture the bear trap scene. Sounds very bloody and dangerous.
Also, great character names. They match the characters personalities and add a funny flare. Similar to the names of the Anchorman characters.
That was a really good script, I can easily visualize the scenes and story in my head. I also liked your use of dialect for the characters, it made it seem a lot more believable.
It might be a good idea to add some more dialogue to make the audience feel more for each character. Also, I would find a way to show that the private is still very uneasy about killing the Indians, besides the dialogue at the end.
I liked the script alot. It was very well planned out and the characters were very clear in their speech and personalities. I liked how the two groups had their own accents and slang. It helped to differentiate the groups.
The script seems like a pretty fine polish to it. I'll be interested to see what tweaks will be made to the other revisions.
I thought it had a great balance between a realistic period piece with comedy bits and some very strong drama thrown in.
I think you can have a lot of fun with the visuals in this script/film. I see it being very stylized. The script was well tuned. I like that you are making a western into comedy. Very original.
For your actors, you definitely need to have talent on this one. Accents are always hard with actors because they usually don't stay consistent because they focus on acting (I know from personal experience :/) SO make sure you have someone paying extra attention to this, just in case (not that I'm doubting your ability- just the more on it, the better)
There needs to be more character development between the two bothers. I think it will add strength to the story.
Just a suggestion, it might be cool to add in quick flashbacks of the Indians. Yes it deals with violence issues, but just throwing the idea out there (to add shock factor)
I'm digging the total character-driven story and even at this early stage each character definitely has their own clear personality separating them from the others.
When you get there, cast well. These characters are engaging, fun and full of potential but to me both your story and dialogue are going to live or die on if your actors can hit the right notes to become these crazy characters.
If the Private is going to remain as the hook character for that last scene, I feel like he needs to be better developed earlier on in the script. While I read, that character to me was just as he was introduced in your script - "just some private" - and when it's him who has that final moment it felt a little odd that he would say those words.
I totally understand the reasoning behind both the story and for Benny, but Benny killing Trip still came off as a weird decision for that character to make so quickly to me. I think Trip getting killed by his brother for sure works and that shouldn't be changed, but I want to see it build up in a more believable way so that I would better understand Benny's decision.
For me, it looks as though you have a strong handle on what you're looking for and I'll be looking forward to your next draft to see what changes you do make and how you'll take this good start and make it even better.
D1 - √ SCRIPT let's talk about title; may offend American Indians; it's all about how you use the term; i suppose if it's Trip (the bad guy) who uses the term, it's not so bad, but be mindful 4; i'm not sure what makes it ok for the private to mouth of the Hal who is a Sargent; is it their common race that gives them familiarity? 5; "HAL Yeah. Everybody needs a smoke." -nice button for that scene 16; how did they kill Trip? need to think thru the racial issues this is intriguing; world I've never seen; could make something very original i'm not sure what the story tensions are, but it seems to work without traditional narrative devices you will need to be careful about being too "message-y"; you clearly have a theme you want to convey (we are all evil. we are all prejudiced. the irony of it all.) but that has to come through a compelling narrative. otherwise just write you message on the wall and be done with it. make sure the dialogue is period accurate
FJ "everyone is pretty terrible and hypocritical at their core, which is what this piece deals with" -this is an interesting idea; is it coming through fully; certainly it's coming through some elevator pitch was good, but I'm not sure that Benny's dilemma (realization that brother is nuts) is coming through; or maybe more drama could be made of it; i love the idea that he kills his brother, but you need to work the set up a bit more so we really buy that he would do it; a couple of references to some folks that Trip killed just before he guts Trip isn't enough to justify that behavior; but it can be done
also, is it clear enough that Benny wants to help Hal? that's a great idea, but you need to make sure it comes through, that Benny has had a full crisis of conscience and wants to do right but Hal kills before he has a chance. i think it has more to do with set up and seeing Benny struggle with his conscience I don't think you brief synopsis does justice to your piece; it's about so much more than just the brothers GREAT answer to the question: "What moment(s) from Cinema does this remind you of?" i would like to have seen pics of your dream casting overall, this was a very solid journal; you put a lot of thought into it; this project could really rock; very original; compelling themes; gripping violence
good stuff
D2 DUE expert feedback have African American look at script; ask Crystal have Indian American prof look at as well
- I like how you open with old stock footage. I’m not sure exactly what time period you want this to be in and I would figure that out and have the dialogue match that. So far it doesn’t sound as if it is from the present time but still a bit confused. I don’t think a private would mouth off to the sergeant maybe it would be more effective if he mumbles the important lines to himself such as “they’re just some stupid fucking rednecks who killed...” Then have the sergeant ask him “what did you say?” This would allow you to still have the private there without a weird bond between the two. I’m confused at who John is. He just kind of gets interjected into the story, not sure where he comes from? In the scene Exterior Camp Site where the private approaches the body of Trip the dialogue doesn’t make sense. Who is he talking to? Is it to himself? Or to the dead body of Trip? Overall I think this is a really good script? The dialogue is good and the characters dialogue stay consistent, which makes it realistic.
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Loved the script. Very funny and creative. I can definitely imagine the characters and scenes, in fact a lot of the characters could probably be played by you! Maybe you should pull an Eddie Murphy and play every character (or at least a lot of them).
ReplyDeleteTypos: I noticed on page 5 (no big deal, but I thought I would let you know) it says "lost" instead of "lots". Also page 8 it says "here" instead of "hear".
I can't wait to see how you capture the bear trap scene. Sounds very bloody and dangerous.
Also, great character names. They match the characters personalities and add a funny flare. Similar to the names of the Anchorman characters.
That was a really good script, I can easily visualize the scenes and story in my head. I also liked your use of dialect for the characters, it made it seem a lot more believable.
ReplyDeleteIt might be a good idea to add some more dialogue to make the audience feel more for each character. Also, I would find a way to show that the private is still very uneasy about killing the Indians, besides the dialogue at the end.
I liked the script alot. It was very well planned out and the characters were very clear in their speech and personalities. I liked how the two groups had their own accents and slang. It helped to differentiate the groups.
ReplyDeleteThe script seems like a pretty fine polish to it. I'll be interested to see what tweaks will be made to the other revisions.
I thought it had a great balance between a realistic period piece with comedy bits and some very strong drama thrown in.
I think you can have a lot of fun with the visuals in this script/film. I see it being very stylized. The script was well tuned. I like that you are making a western into comedy. Very original.
ReplyDeleteFor your actors, you definitely need to have talent on this one. Accents are always hard with actors because they usually don't stay consistent because they focus on acting (I know from personal experience :/) SO make sure you have someone paying extra attention to this, just in case (not that I'm doubting your ability- just the more on it, the better)
There needs to be more character development between the two bothers. I think it will add strength to the story.
Just a suggestion, it might be cool to add in quick flashbacks of the Indians. Yes it deals with violence issues, but just throwing the idea out there (to add shock factor)
I'm digging the total character-driven story and even at this early stage each character definitely has their own clear personality separating them from the others.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get there, cast well. These characters are engaging, fun and full of potential but to me both your story and dialogue are going to live or die on if your actors can hit the right notes to become these crazy characters.
If the Private is going to remain as the hook character for that last scene, I feel like he needs to be better developed earlier on in the script. While I read, that character to me was just as he was introduced in your script - "just some private" - and when it's him who has that final moment it felt a little odd that he would say those words.
I totally understand the reasoning behind both the story and for Benny, but Benny killing Trip still came off as a weird decision for that character to make so quickly to me. I think Trip getting killed by his brother for sure works and that shouldn't be changed, but I want to see it build up in a more believable way so that I would better understand Benny's decision.
For me, it looks as though you have a strong handle on what you're looking for and I'll be looking forward to your next draft to see what changes you do make and how you'll take this good start and make it even better.
ahhhhhhhhh boop.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
let's talk about title; may offend American Indians; it's all about how you use the term; i suppose if it's Trip (the bad guy) who uses the term, it's not so bad, but be mindful
4; i'm not sure what makes it ok for the private to mouth of the Hal who is a Sargent; is it their common race that gives them familiarity?
5; "HAL Yeah. Everybody needs a smoke."
-nice button for that scene
16; how did they kill Trip?
need to think thru the racial issues
this is intriguing; world I've never seen; could make something very original
i'm not sure what the story tensions are, but it seems to work without traditional narrative devices
you will need to be careful about being too "message-y"; you clearly have a theme you want to convey (we are all evil. we are all prejudiced. the irony of it all.) but that has to come through a compelling narrative. otherwise just write you message on the wall and be done with it.
make sure the dialogue is period accurate
FJ
"everyone is pretty terrible and hypocritical at their core, which is what this piece deals with"
-this is an interesting idea; is it coming through fully; certainly it's coming through some
elevator pitch was good, but I'm not sure that Benny's dilemma (realization that brother is nuts) is coming through; or maybe more drama could be made of it; i love the idea that he kills his brother, but you need to work the set up a bit more so we really buy that he would do it; a couple of references to some folks that Trip killed just before he guts Trip isn't enough to justify that behavior; but it can be done
also, is it clear enough that Benny wants to help Hal? that's a great idea, but you need to make sure it comes through, that Benny has had a full crisis of conscience and wants to do right but Hal kills before he has a chance. i think it has more to do with set up and seeing Benny struggle with his conscience
I don't think you brief synopsis does justice to your piece; it's about so much more than just the brothers
GREAT answer to the question: "What moment(s) from Cinema does this remind you of?"
i would like to have seen pics of your dream casting
overall, this was a very solid journal; you put a lot of thought into it; this project could really rock; very original; compelling themes; gripping violence
good stuff
D2
DUE
expert feedback
have African American look at script; ask Crystal
have Indian American prof look at as well
- I like how you open with old stock footage. I’m not sure exactly what time period you want this to be in and I would figure that out and have the dialogue match that. So far it doesn’t sound as if it is from the present time but still a bit confused. I don’t think a private would mouth off to the sergeant maybe it would be more effective if he mumbles the important lines to himself such as “they’re just some stupid fucking rednecks who killed...” Then have the sergeant ask him “what did you say?” This would allow you to still have the private there without a weird bond between the two. I’m confused at who John is. He just kind of gets interjected into the story, not sure where he comes from? In the scene Exterior Camp Site where the private approaches the body of Trip the dialogue doesn’t make sense. Who is he talking to? Is it to himself? Or to the dead body of Trip? Overall I think this is a really good script? The dialogue is good and the characters dialogue stay consistent, which makes it realistic.
ReplyDeleteTHE EASIEST $100 YOU WILL EVER MAKE GUARANTEED!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you like Facebook & MySpace, you're gonna love SideTick! Earn points for browsing the site, adding friends, posting a blog, referring friends, reading a daily email and more. Accumulate those points and turn them into cash paid right into your Paypal account. How Cool is That?
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