Absolutely love you’re idea for a fairytale, very unique! I love fairytales they bring you into a whole other world where anything is possible. I also liked you’re film journal it looks like you have a really good feel of what you want you’re film to be. Also love the white cat for you’re dream actor. (haha) I also like the kind of actors you have in mind for you’re characters. I definitely think they fit perfectly. I definitely agree that you have to have a vast area. Mountains and all sorts of different kind of elements that you’re characters would have to face; that’s very fairytale esque. I see that you haven’t written a script yet for the story. Reading the story I see you can add a lot off good stuff. Are you going to be writing the script yourself? So far the film journal looks great looking forward to reading the script.
Hey Andrea, I didn't know that this was such a "short" short story... how did you first find out about it when you were a kid??? (like was it a book or show or what?)
With everything you have been talking about in class about this project, I didn't really get the kind of tone/ atmosphere you were trying to establish with your film... but your journal really helps me out in that department. You have a lot of great images/ examples of not only who the characters are, but also what they should like as well (I liked the pictures of the cat with one blue/ one green eye). The casting choices also really help out, as we get what kind of character everyone is because of their actor "types" (Cripsin Glover is the MAN!!!)
So I am no quite sure if you addressed this in class/ online yet, but I was wondering if you had any as too how long you were looking at making this script? I know its intended to be Feature Length, but is that a 70 minute feature (as most kid's movie are) or are we talking more about a 90-100 minute movie here? (or, although I doubt it, something longer?). I only ask because I am concerned with the content of the actual short story (its only 11 pages long), and wanted to know what areas of the story you were thinking about expanding in your script.
Right now, I think you are one a pretty good track (although this kind of information should of probably come soon in the semester)
wow, it looks like you really stepped up to the plate for this deliverable. I am so happy you've decided to stick with it because this is a project worth pursuing. These are my favorite types of stories, this is something i would like to see made into a film.
Just looking at the visuals from your filmmakers journal i can really see the direction you are headed. as a matter of fact, when i first read the story i was reminded of the princess bride. Its a story that seems real enough but little bits and pieces here and there suspend reality, and give it a fantastic quality. Gotta say, i loved the pics you found for the cat, especially those eyes, it looks really great.
i would also like to know how long of a script you are going to make. also thanks for posting the original fairy tale, now we know in what direction you are headed. im totally excited for this, cant wait to see how it turns out, good work!
As far as expanding it to a feature length film goes, ya it'll be hard but I definitely think it's doable. I mean Polar Express was a short picture book and they turned that into a full-length movie.
Oh and I like that your dream casting for King Ferdinand is Michael Gambon and Richard Harris. Don't think Richard Harris could do it though.... :'( And I concur with Niki, Crispin Glover is freakin awesome.
You've got a long way to go but I'm not really too worried because you really seem to know what you want. I'm really excited to read more and get some more major conflicts going.
I don't know why Sandra is agreeing with me on Crispin Glover because I haven't made a comment on him yet. Lol.
I really like this project! I'm glad you are doing it! Here are some notes/ideas from the short story (just suggestions): So the king is old and is scared his crown will be taken away from him by his sons. I think at the beginning of the story someone/something should happen to the King. Some one breaks into the castle and tries to break into his room. Or a package is sent to him and it's poisonous. Or someone tries to kidnap him. And that gets him thinking that his sons are after him. Then he does his thing where he tries to divert their minds.
After the king tells his sons of his want for a dog, We need to see objectives for each of the sons. Maybe the eldest can want to regain what's rightfully his. the second eldest can maybe be the "bad one" who wants to control the kingdom. and the youngest just wants to take out the second eldest bc he knows his true nature.
I like that the Cat "drugged" the prince and he forgot everything.
Overall, this is cute little story of a prince's journey. I really like it.
Notes on the script: I like how you use to OLD WOMAN to set up the back story of what happened to the princess. 4: Spread out the King's speech. There's too much there. I'd add reactions of others/ what others are doing, etc. Most of the scenes here have the dialogue from the original short story which I really like because its good to keep something from the original short. I would like to see a detailed outline showing us the inciting incident/acts/mid point just so we can understand where we are at in the story when we read it since the scenes aren't in order. Also, I'd like to see more characters at the White Cat's palace. Like the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast)had Lumiere and Cogsworth.
But I really do like what you have so far. This is a really good story.
There's not too much to say right now as a good portion of it is just the dialogue from the story. Once you fill in the action, the length should start to reach that feature-length number. I wouldn't worry too much about that since there's a lot of visuals in the story that will extend the time.
But with that said, I am wondering how word-for-word this will be in the end. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with sticking so closely to the source material, there are a lot of places you can embellish on. Personally, I'd like to see more exposition with the children. Spend some time showing us the Prince's day to day life before he sets out on this adventure of his.
So far though, I'm really digging the setting and looking forward to reading more.
Great atmosphere you have here! I reading through this draft I really felt like I got a good idea on what this world is suppose to be like. When I went through your film journal, I really understood your vision for this. Even if you're not the one to film this script, I think you have good start here to portray everything you have envisioned.
I agree with Richie. Maybe you can pay a bit more attention to developing the protagonist so we have a better idea of who he is and where he's coming from before he sets out.
Otherwise, I really look forward to reading a first draft of this thing. I'm not much of a fantasy fan but I think what you have here is really great.
HEy! Love how this is going!!! It is very cute. I definitely agree with all the comments above. The monologue on page 4 is quite long. I think that the audience will get bored with the king talking so much. You can definitely cut out/shorten this!
I also think you should add more actions within the script so we can get a complete picture of the scenes. It will make the whole story so much more visual and complete!
I feel I cannot comment on too much more but can't wait to see where it is headed!
I really enjoyed reading your script, although I do have to agree with Ritchie over making your main protagonist more defining. Right now, I'm just concentrated on the White Cat and her story, however if you did add some more action and dialogue to the prince's lines, it could make for a more dynamic piece.
Good job so far though, I'm very interested to see where you go from here. I liked your journal by the way, very in depth and I can see the comparisons to 'The Lion...'.
Andrea- I really enjoyed your deliverable this cycle, I think that you have a great idea here for a great fairytale film. Overall, you really set the tone through visuals in your script, and was able to visualize what you are trying to achieve with this project. My only suggestion would be to trim down some of the dialogue on 4 and 9 in order to help it flow a little better. On page 12, I would break up the block descriptions to make the action a little more concise. All in all, excellent start, this should be a great read when it’s finished.
So I'm commenting on this without having read the actual short story yet. I want to take in what you've written so far objectively, like an audience who doesn't know the story would.
There's a lot of interesting bits and pieces in here and overall I know there is cool fairytale worth telling (I'm a big fan of them), but I'm confused on some things.
This is supposed to be a feature length screenplay when it's all said and done, I'm curious as to why what I just read was the feature idea squished into 13 pages (why not an outline?) Unless this is something Adam is having you do? Because when I read this, there's clearly a lot of missing information and plot points. It's a short script, so I want it to read like one.
The beginning, or I guess more or less what you have written so far, was good. When we go into page 4/5 where you've just inserted dialogue it gets strange. There's a lot of missing character/setting introductions and descriptions that make it hard for anyone who doesn't know the original story to follow. And, unless you screen it to a bunch of people who read the story, that's your audience.
I know you're just structuring your script around inserted dialogue...but I guess what I'm really thinking here is why not an outline or treatment? This is an adaptation, you should be exploring changes/additions to the original story to make it really work as a film as opposed to just writing over the short story.
But aside from all that, it does seem there is a cool fairytale here and I can see it going good places. I just want to be able to read your script, not a mixture of it with the original story. Have you read Syd Field's "Screenplay"? There's an entire chunk of it devoted to adaptations. It's an awesome book that may be worth checking out if you want.
So far, I'm pretty interested. Some technical notes. Make sure you are distinguishing between reality and the story with scene changes. You kind of abruptly switched between them. I'd like to see more as this is a feature. But the beginning is intriguing enough.
I personally think you need to have the beginning part shortened and really dive into the story within the story quickly. Really get into the meat of it.
Also, I agree with nick. I'd like to see your own personal outline or treatment of the story. I know it's based off this fairytale, but I want to see your take on it. I want to see what twist you are putting on this and how you are going to play it all out.
I understand this is kind of a weird 13 page script/outline, but I think you need to get a scene by scene breakdown or at least a structural breakdown of everything that is going to happen. As is now, I like the story, but I'm not convinced you have enough to really get a feature. I think you need to invent subplots and create your own kind of reality within this reality to flesh it out.
One big thing. I know you're just inserting dialogue, but even so, write out the action. Tell us what we're seeing. I want to get a visual image of what's going on, along with all this dialogue
I also think there isnt enough in having just 13 pages, but I only have 17 right now so can't really blame you. I'm sure with a few more edits you can bulk it up, and maybe even add some of your insight to the inserted dialogue.
Andrea,
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love you’re idea for a fairytale, very unique! I love fairytales they bring you into a whole other world where anything is possible. I also liked you’re film journal it looks like you have a really good feel of what you want you’re film to be. Also love the white cat for you’re dream actor. (haha) I also like the kind of actors you have in mind for you’re characters. I definitely think they fit perfectly. I definitely agree that you have to have a vast area. Mountains and all sorts of different kind of elements that you’re characters would have to face; that’s very fairytale esque. I see that you haven’t written a script yet for the story. Reading the story I see you can add a lot off good stuff. Are you going to be writing the script yourself? So far the film journal looks great looking forward to reading the script.
Hey Andrea,
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that this was such a "short" short story... how did you first find out about it when you were a kid??? (like was it a book or show or what?)
With everything you have been talking about in class about this project, I didn't really get the kind of tone/ atmosphere you were trying to establish with your film... but your journal really helps me out in that department. You have a lot of great images/ examples of not only who the characters are, but also what they should like as well (I liked the pictures of the cat with one blue/ one green eye). The casting choices also really help out, as we get what kind of character everyone is because of their actor "types" (Cripsin Glover is the MAN!!!)
So I am no quite sure if you addressed this in class/ online yet, but I was wondering if you had any as too how long you were looking at making this script? I know its intended to be Feature Length, but is that a 70 minute feature (as most kid's movie are) or are we talking more about a 90-100 minute movie here? (or, although I doubt it, something longer?). I only ask because I am concerned with the content of the actual short story (its only 11 pages long), and wanted to know what areas of the story you were thinking about expanding in your script.
Right now, I think you are one a pretty good track (although this kind of information should of probably come soon in the semester)
hi andrea
ReplyDeletewow, it looks like you really stepped up to the plate for this deliverable. I am so happy you've decided to stick with it because this is a project worth pursuing. These are my favorite types of stories, this is something i would like to see made into a film.
Just looking at the visuals from your filmmakers journal i can really see the direction you are headed. as a matter of fact, when i first read the story i was reminded of the princess bride. Its a story that seems real enough but little bits and pieces here and there suspend reality, and give it a fantastic quality. Gotta say, i loved the pics you found for the cat, especially those eyes, it looks really great.
i would also like to know how long of a script you are going to make. also thanks for posting the original fairy tale, now we know in what direction you are headed. im totally excited for this, cant wait to see how it turns out, good work!
As far as expanding it to a feature length film goes, ya it'll be hard but I definitely think it's doable. I mean Polar Express was a short picture book and they turned that into a full-length movie.
ReplyDeleteOh and I like that your dream casting for King Ferdinand is Michael Gambon and Richard Harris. Don't think Richard Harris could do it though.... :'(
And I concur with Niki, Crispin Glover is freakin awesome.
You've got a long way to go but I'm not really too worried because you really seem to know what you want. I'm really excited to read more and get some more major conflicts going.
I don't know why Sandra is agreeing with me on Crispin Glover because I haven't made a comment on him yet. Lol.
ReplyDeleteI really like this project! I'm glad you are doing it! Here are some notes/ideas from the short story (just suggestions):
So the king is old and is scared his crown will be taken away from him by his sons. I think at the beginning of the story someone/something should happen to the King. Some one breaks into the castle and tries to break into his room. Or a package is sent to him and it's poisonous. Or someone tries to kidnap him. And that gets him thinking that his sons are after him. Then he does his thing where he tries to divert their minds.
After the king tells his sons of his want for a dog, We need to see objectives for each of the sons. Maybe the eldest can want to regain what's rightfully his. the second eldest can maybe be the "bad one" who wants to control the kingdom. and the youngest just wants to take out the second eldest bc he knows his true nature.
I like that the Cat "drugged" the prince and he forgot everything.
Overall, this is cute little story of a prince's journey. I really like it.
Notes on the script:
I like how you use to OLD WOMAN to set up the back story of what happened to the princess.
4: Spread out the King's speech. There's too much there. I'd add reactions of others/ what others are doing, etc.
Most of the scenes here have the dialogue from the original short story which I really like because its good to keep something from the original short.
I would like to see a detailed outline showing us the inciting incident/acts/mid point just so we can understand where we are at in the story when we read it since the scenes aren't in order. Also, I'd like to see more characters at the White Cat's palace. Like the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast)had Lumiere and Cogsworth.
But I really do like what you have so far. This is a really good story.
There's not too much to say right now as a good portion of it is just the dialogue from the story. Once you fill in the action, the length should start to reach that feature-length number. I wouldn't worry too much about that since there's a lot of visuals in the story that will extend the time.
ReplyDeleteBut with that said, I am wondering how word-for-word this will be in the end. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with sticking so closely to the source material, there are a lot of places you can embellish on. Personally, I'd like to see more exposition with the children. Spend some time showing us the Prince's day to day life before he sets out on this adventure of his.
So far though, I'm really digging the setting and looking forward to reading more.
Great atmosphere you have here! I reading through this draft I really felt like I got a good idea on what this world is suppose to be like. When I went through your film journal, I really understood your vision for this. Even if you're not the one to film this script, I think you have good start here to portray everything you have envisioned.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Richie. Maybe you can pay a bit more attention to developing the protagonist so we have a better idea of who he is and where he's coming from before he sets out.
Otherwise, I really look forward to reading a first draft of this thing. I'm not much of a fantasy fan but I think what you have here is really great.
HEy! Love how this is going!!! It is very cute. I definitely agree with all the comments above. The monologue on page 4 is quite long. I think that the audience will get bored with the king talking so much. You can definitely cut out/shorten this!
ReplyDeleteI also think you should add more actions within the script so we can get a complete picture of the scenes. It will make the whole story so much more visual and complete!
I feel I cannot comment on too much more but can't wait to see where it is headed!
Oh, haha, sorry Niki. It was Ian that commented about Crispin Glover. I was really tired. Haha.
ReplyDeleteWow, this sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your script, although I do have to agree with Ritchie over making your main protagonist more defining. Right now, I'm just concentrated on the White Cat and her story, however if you did add some more action and dialogue to the prince's lines, it could make for a more dynamic piece.
Good job so far though, I'm very interested to see where you go from here. I liked your journal by the way, very in depth and I can see the comparisons to 'The Lion...'.
By the way, who are you going to pitch this too?
Andrea-
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your deliverable this cycle, I think that you have a great idea here for a great fairytale film. Overall, you really set the tone through visuals in your script, and was able to visualize what you are trying to achieve with this project. My only suggestion would be to trim down some of the dialogue on 4 and 9 in order to help it flow a little better. On page 12, I would break up the block descriptions to make the action a little more concise.
All in all, excellent start, this should be a great read when it’s finished.
So I'm commenting on this without having read the actual short story yet. I want to take in what you've written so far objectively, like an audience who doesn't know the story would.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of interesting bits and pieces in here and overall I know there is cool fairytale worth telling (I'm a big fan of them), but I'm confused on some things.
This is supposed to be a feature length screenplay when it's all said and done, I'm curious as to why what I just read was the feature idea squished into 13 pages (why not an outline?) Unless this is something Adam is having you do? Because when I read this, there's clearly a lot of missing information and plot points. It's a short script, so I want it to read like one.
The beginning, or I guess more or less what you have written so far, was good. When we go into page 4/5 where you've just inserted dialogue it gets strange. There's a lot of missing character/setting introductions and descriptions that make it hard for anyone who doesn't know the original story to follow. And, unless you screen it to a bunch of people who read the story, that's your audience.
I know you're just structuring your script around inserted dialogue...but I guess what I'm really thinking here is why not an outline or treatment? This is an adaptation, you should be exploring changes/additions to the original story to make it really work as a film as opposed to just writing over the short story.
But aside from all that, it does seem there is a cool fairytale here and I can see it going good places. I just want to be able to read your script, not a mixture of it with the original story. Have you read Syd Field's "Screenplay"? There's an entire chunk of it devoted to adaptations. It's an awesome book that may be worth checking out if you want.
So far, I'm pretty interested. Some technical notes. Make sure you are distinguishing between reality and the story with scene changes. You kind of abruptly switched between them. I'd like to see more as this is a feature. But the beginning is intriguing enough.
ReplyDeleteI personally think you need to have the beginning part shortened and really dive into the story within the story quickly. Really get into the meat of it.
Also, I agree with nick. I'd like to see your own personal outline or treatment of the story. I know it's based off this fairytale, but I want to see your take on it. I want to see what twist you are putting on this and how you are going to play it all out.
I understand this is kind of a weird 13 page script/outline, but I think you need to get a scene by scene breakdown or at least a structural breakdown of everything that is going to happen. As is now, I like the story, but I'm not convinced you have enough to really get a feature. I think you need to invent subplots and create your own kind of reality within this reality to flesh it out.
One big thing. I know you're just inserting dialogue, but even so, write out the action. Tell us what we're seeing. I want to get a visual image of what's going on, along with all this dialogue
I also think there isnt enough in having just 13 pages, but I only have 17 right now so can't really blame you. I'm sure with a few more edits you can bulk it up, and maybe even add some of your insight to the inserted dialogue.
ReplyDelete