Script looking very solid! Just a few small suggestions here and there, but for the most part, it's some fine work!
P01: Maybe it'll be better once I see it on screen, but it's hard to get the impression of the graves being for kids (despite the 'significantly smaller'). Definitely something that needs to be really obvious in a visual aspect or else it might be missed all together.
P10: In the scene where Benny falls asleep, I think he should fall asleep before the spill of the liquor (or just as it's happening). I'm guessing Benny has known Trip for a long time so he would know the signs of what would cause Trip to go nuts so his surprise when he wakes up doesn't seem right.
P12: I think that when he says "You do not murder fucking children," maybe he can be a little more choked up about saying "children" or having trouble with it. Somehow show that it's eating him up inside and it's still hard to think back to.
P15: Considering the moments following, I think Benny should have more hesitation before shooting Trip.
Much prefer this ending over the other one just because there's no moment of missed opportunity story-wise (the shooting of Hal situation). I do prefer Benny being the good guy through the end since it won't raise questions like the other ending might.
There's potential for a good visual moment after Benny is shot, if he falls and sees his brother lying dead next to him as he dies himself. Maybe too cliche? I dunno.
Overall, great changes to the script. I feel like I understand Benny's torment more and there's a clearer attempt at redemption.
i really like the new ending much better than the previous one. it really added a new dimension to the story, i found myself caring more about the characters and what happened to them.
so what happens to hal?
i love the tension between benny and trip; i think that will be really powerful when you get that on screen
I really like this story, especially the relationship between the brothers and especially Trip's character.
However at times I am confused over who he really is? and maybe that is something your going for here but I had a few issues with his dialogue. For instance (he's 17 and probably not too bright) yet he says lines like "he's just sick and marose", which I can't imagine coming out of his mouth, also the line "Your fucking daft?", maybe I'm out of my context here, but did they really say this in that time, if so, I still didn't feel like he would say that.
And I'm just gonna throw in my two cents on the character but Trip to me seems very short of vocab, probably expressing swear words to express how he feels, this would also display his character's imbalance and his age.
I don't mean to undermine your script or your characters, but I find myself investing so much in this character that when something doesn't seem right I have to say something.
Okay buddy, as for the ending I'm not sure I'm convinced Hal would still be there a day later. He's a Sergent yeah? wouldn't other soldiers be on the look out for him or trying to retrieve him, due to his status?
I was thinking that they would come back at night, when you can really express the savages of Trip's way, plus fill that plot hole. I know this would be harder to shoot but damn would it look great to do this scene at night. You could have the chaos of gun shots going off between the two groups and a deadly climax to the story.
I was thinking that the most innocent character in this film is the private and it would be great to use him in a brutal scene with Trip (the two extremes, Innocents VS EVIL) This could also be when Benny finally looses his all hope in him and kills his brother.
If you do keep with the day shoot and John's death, it really doesn't seem right to have Benny kicking the body, he's angry and in shock of his brother.
I'm also intrigued to find out what their parents were like? I know there's no mention of it in the script but it might play a good part to their dynamic?
My last note is when the private says he needs a smoke after being put in his place, I feel this is too early for him to say something like that, but maybe that is the comedy and I'm just loosing my funny bone with this dark story.
Love it brother, I have a couple of ideas for an alternative ending, I just felt it wasn't enough to end this dramatic story on. I can tell you about that later...Great work!
Just got done reading the newest draft of the script... You have come a long way sir! I really liked this draft, and where the story has come so far.
I am going to lay down some specific notes I had throughout reading it, and then my overall thoughts at the end of it. Okay... Here we go!
Page 5 - For some reason, the Hal line of "Aw Fuck Me" isnt working for me. It reads akward, as I dont believe it is something who gets their leg caught in a bear trap would say, but thats just me.
Page 9 - Benny begins to jitter... not quite sure what this means exactly? Is he laughing or shivering to himself?
Page 9 - Benny's line of "Well take a sleep". Is that the authentic way of saying it? It sounds weird to me but I know youve been doing your research.
Page 9 - You use the term retard-nighthawks. Was that term around back then?
Page 15 - You need to have a BOOM or SHOT insert in there before you say Trip has a hole in him. We need to know he gets shot in the script.
Throughtout the script (I mainly noticed on Pages 14-15) you go back and forth between passive and active voice in your scene actions/ descriptions (an example being on page 15: "Trip yelps, jumping back, dropping the knife. Trip runs towards Hal, punching at his face in blind anger."). You need to make sure it is all the same voice.
Overall, I think its an improvement over what you have had and I really cant wait to see how it all turns out... what I am picturing in my head is proly nowhere close to whats going to be on screen once your done with it (in a good way!).
Page 2- little tuffs of hair fall to the ground? how hairy are Benny's arms?
Page 7- I never heard the phrase "staring daggers into". Interesting picture that painted there.
Page7- The stuttering dialogue for Trip here took me out a bit saying "can...can". You should just say "can" and have a note that says stutters or something. Or you can just leave the awkwardly parenthetical there.
Page 8-There has been a lot of "staring" by this point.
Page 11- I think this new scene with Benny upset about John being massacred by Trip works really well. Benny is obviously shocked and disgusted whereas Trip is the scenes emotional contrast. But then I got a little confused as why Trip cracks and lets his eyes water. He's a tough guy, not a wuss.
Page 11- Another note on the "he, he, he" stutter. Just let that come out naturally from the actor.
Page 12- Why is Trip sobbing? Is he now weaker than Benny? I think it would work best if he shows remorse or whatever Benny wants from him, but the crying is a little over the top for him.
Page 13- So when Benny runs into the woods with the rifle, is he running after Trip or is he joining him. It wasn't very clear. or is that the point?
Page 14- Now Trip is back to his insane self?
Page 16- I only wanted to kill the Trip here, not the Trip that cried before.
I LOVE the new ending. It's very much like Crash! I think that works a lot more than killing Hal. This definitely concludes the story in a unique way. Nice work. I wish this were a feature length though, you could develop so much more here! Good work.
Chelsea, with the whole, switching Trip from psychotic to sobbing, I wanted to contrast his character in trying to compare him to a child. Everything about him is very much "in the moment". I'm not sure how to explain it but his character is very reactionary and at this point in the script Benny has been in denial over the terrible things Trip has done, so Trip has never really seen this explosive side of Benny, scaring him and really showing he's the little brother. That's just my justification, but I see what you mean.
Honestly dude at this point, I don't have too much criticism to give. What I can say is as your editor, I'm getting excited to cut this!
Part of me is almost afraid of saying it, but I think this is definitely the right ending after your few weeks of "to kill Hal or not to kill Hal?" It just feels to come together that much better this way, and Benny being killed while in the act of trying to help Hal speaks right in line with the crazy situation he finds himself in throughout your script.
Other than that, I'm continually liking what I see with your script. With this draft you managed to make Trip that much more crazy, something that I wasn't sure could be done/had to be done; although now that it is, i'm diggin' it.
I really like how you made trip seem so much crazier. The scene where he is jumping on Hal's leg is brutal. It seems like this script is pretty much done, there is not much I can criticize. I didn't understand on your film journal, did you mean you are not going to add music too it at all? It's probably a good idea not too, maybe just put in some atmospheric sounds.
I don't really have much to say except for a few small comments. First, I didn't understand right away that the smaller graves were for children and that seems to be an important part of the story, so maybe just clarify that.
Also, later in the story Benny yells at trip for killing children but I was under the impression that he also took part in killing the children since 8 graves were for children and 2 were for adults. It confused me a little, why Benny would yell at Trip for something he also took part in, unless he was in a backwards way yelling at himself as well. Maybe coming to some sort of realization that has been building up inside him for some time.
I really like the ending of this draft A LOT. I would leave it as is. I like that Hal doesn't die and the private kills Benny. It's a sad kind of justice that I think is important to the conclusion of the story. Overall, good work.
Danielle, the idea behind Benny yelling at Trip about children is to (as i wanted it unclear up until this point) that Benny had no part in the massacre of children and it's been eating away at him. That scene is supposed to show Benny boiling over with everything that has been bothering him
Chris this is a very, very good draft. I really don't know what to comment on. I really like Trip, he reminds me of Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. I think his dialogue is right on the money. He doesn't use too many big words which fits his character perfectly. The Hal/Private scene works nicely. Once Hal gets trapped, it's really gruesome. But it works. The scenes with John are really tense and will work really well on screen with all the staring and all. I did not see coming what Trip did to John. That was gruesome too. I really like this ending. Trip comes across as an out of control psycho now. I like how Benny holds Trip til he passes. Once Benny walks over to Hal with the knife I knew that Jacob was going to come soon and kill Benny. But I really like that Hal doesn't die. This was awesome. Good job Chris.
Hey Chris. I'm loving some of your changes. The whole time I was really into the script and it kept me wanting to read more. The scene with Trip jumping on Hal's leg was intense. I was squirming in my seat just thinking about it.
I do have to agree with Dominic's comment though about some of the dialogue. It pulled me out of the story several times. When they use words like "morose" and "resentful" I just don't believe it. It just seems contradictory to what we know of the character.
Other than that I really don't have much more criticism for you. I am very excited to see the finished product eventually.
I really dont have many changes. I really like the script how it is. I think you can really get creative with the look and feel of this.
Just one thought, the dialogue change on page 11 when Benny says "Stupid piece of trash!", I feel piece of trash might feel a little weird. I feel piece of shit would be more appropriate, especially following the previous line of I told you to fucking leave.
Other than that, I really like the changes in the script. All flows well and never a dull moment! :D I like the ending of how Trip dies and the little additions of him being a smart ass. Cant wait to see it!
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the old ending immensely, but this new ending seems to have more emotional weight to it than the last one. Having Hal survive with Benny attempting one last good deed was sort of poetic. I think the atmosphere is very apparent in this draft toward the ending and I can't wait to see it on the screen.
pg 3 - Change 'Private' to 'Jacob' when he's speaking
pg 9 - Not sure that Trip would refer to John and the rest of the army as "you boys" just because John's older and Trip is attempting to be very respectful at the moment - maybe gentlemen instead
pg 11 - When Trip starts to stand up and Benny says "I told him to leave, Trip. Do you understand this?" and Trip says "Yeah, well, he's gone now" - I think it would be more interesting for Trip to stand and Benny to still be talking to the corpse saying "I told you to leave. Do you understand this?" and then Trip interjects and then Benny looks back to notice and start yelling at Trip.
"fuck you over" doesn't seem to fit the time period.
pg 12 - Trip saying "I'm done with this" is like an acknowledgment that he's killing basically out of pleasure - if he says something more specific, like "I'm done killing trappers" then it's like he really doesn't know that he's doing anything wrong and is just trying to appease Benny.
To Nick B - yeah, at the moment I don't think i want a score. I think having nothing but ambient noises will add that much more to the feel of the movie
Chris, The changes are really good I’m glad you changed the ending a lot. I think that I like the correlation of the burial scenes. Why is Trip still wanting to kill the guys after him? Didn’t he just apologize for killing? Or is it just his nature? I like the fight scene between Hal and Trip definitely is a good way to see how he is mental and is a good reason for Benny to end things. It’s easier to see why Benny would kill his own brother now. The ending now is so much more emotional and you really feel for Benny he is the guy who was in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time. The audience can now connect with him. Good Job so far :)
SCRIPT in the first scene, Trip dialogue is a bit corn-pone. dial it down or make sure you have a great actor i don't know if i'd have Trip reference the buffalo soldiers; feel like you're showing your hand 4; the graves reference will lead the audience to think he's talking about the graves from the start of the film; is it those graves or others; if others, drop graves and make it something else that he saw that was equally gruesome 6; "They walk deeper into the forest. EXT. FOREST - DUSK Just tree tops can be seen; the sound of a loud SNAP." - i wouldn't do a scene break here. might kill the bear trap moment 7; you will need some sort of time trans before the trapper scene 8; as we talked about, Benny foulness towards the trapper will be unclear to the audience; even if he alludes to wanting to move on before others come, later in the scene and KY note 14; you need to finesse who Trip gets to Hal; it's not working for me right now; you probably need to be in Benny's POV; maybe even include the running; you can montage to cut through time and i'm not entirely convinced that Benny would follow his brother; you have to JUSTIFY the behavior or maybe he was only a short way away and that's the irony; Trip could "trip" on that, laughing at how he was just right there all along; but you'd have to justify how it is they didn't here him; maybe when the move to bury the trapper, they decide they need to do it at the bottom of a ridge or something to make sure nobody finds him (i'm reaching here). the hal starts screaming; lucky turn for Trip consider this for end; Hal jerks making Benny cut himself really really bad, sending him into a dizzying rage over EVERYTHING, not just being cut, but killing his brother, witnessing the murder of indian children and woman, it's all flooding over in conscience and he's losing it and the only thing he can do the quell his rage is to kill - which he does and there is silence.
sigh.. i just posted this huge thing and i got an error message, tried to go back but my whole message was gone!
anyway, to sum up what i just wrote, i am really liking the filmmakers journal, i like the fact that you intend to give trip's shots a bit of a fisheye look that will definitely add uneasiness to the character. i know you have a good script because when i was looking at the pics you posted in your FJ it looked exactly like i imagined it would.. cool!
for scouting locations, i think you have some good picks. if you decided to shoot in pine, its really a great location, lots of tall pines and wilderness. Even some open grassy valleys surrounded by mountains. id have to talk to some family but i have a cabin up there that anyone from class could use while shooting their caps if the time is right and thats where they wanna shoot
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteScript looking very solid! Just a few small suggestions here and there, but for the most part, it's some fine work!
ReplyDeleteP01: Maybe it'll be better once I see it on screen, but it's hard to get the impression of the graves being for kids (despite the 'significantly smaller'). Definitely something that needs to be really obvious in a visual aspect or else it might be missed all together.
P10: In the scene where Benny falls asleep, I think he should fall asleep before the spill of the liquor (or just as it's happening). I'm guessing Benny has known Trip for a long time so he would know the signs of what would cause Trip to go nuts so his surprise when he wakes up doesn't seem right.
P12: I think that when he says "You do not murder fucking children," maybe he can be a little more choked up about saying "children" or having trouble with it. Somehow show that it's eating him up inside and it's still hard to think back to.
P15: Considering the moments following, I think Benny should have more hesitation before shooting Trip.
Much prefer this ending over the other one just because there's no moment of missed opportunity story-wise (the shooting of Hal situation). I do prefer Benny being the good guy through the end since it won't raise questions like the other ending might.
There's potential for a good visual moment after Benny is shot, if he falls and sees his brother lying dead next to him as he dies himself. Maybe too cliche? I dunno.
Overall, great changes to the script. I feel like I understand Benny's torment more and there's a clearer attempt at redemption.
hey chris
ReplyDeletei really like the new ending much better than the previous one. it really added a new dimension to the story, i found myself caring more about the characters and what happened to them.
so what happens to hal?
i love the tension between benny and trip; i think that will be really powerful when you get that on screen
Hi Chris,
ReplyDeleteI really like this story, especially the relationship between the brothers and especially Trip's character.
However at times I am confused over who he really is? and maybe that is something your going for here but I had a few issues with his dialogue. For instance (he's 17 and probably not too bright) yet he says lines like "he's just sick and marose", which I can't imagine coming out of his mouth, also the line "Your fucking daft?", maybe I'm out of my context here, but did they really say this in that time, if so, I still didn't feel like he would say that.
And I'm just gonna throw in my two cents on the character but Trip to me seems very short of vocab, probably expressing swear words to express how he feels, this would also display his character's imbalance and his age.
I don't mean to undermine your script or your characters, but I find myself investing so much in this character that when something doesn't seem right I have to say something.
Okay buddy, as for the ending I'm not sure I'm convinced Hal would still be there a day later. He's a Sergent yeah? wouldn't other soldiers be on the look out for him or trying to retrieve him, due to his status?
I was thinking that they would come back at night, when you can really express the savages of Trip's way, plus fill that plot hole. I know this would be harder to shoot but damn would it look great to do this scene at night. You could have the chaos of gun shots going off between the two groups and a deadly climax to the story.
I was thinking that the most innocent character in this film is the private and it would be great to use him in a brutal scene with Trip (the two extremes, Innocents VS EVIL) This could also be when Benny finally looses his all hope in him and kills his brother.
If you do keep with the day shoot and John's death, it really doesn't seem right to have Benny kicking the body, he's angry and in shock of his brother.
I'm also intrigued to find out what their parents were like? I know there's no mention of it in the script but it might play a good part to their dynamic?
My last note is when the private says he needs a smoke after being put in his place, I feel this is too early for him to say something like that, but maybe that is the comedy and I'm just loosing my funny bone with this dark story.
Love it brother, I have a couple of ideas for an alternative ending, I just felt it wasn't enough to end this dramatic story on. I can tell you about that later...Great work!
Hey Chris,
ReplyDeleteJust got done reading the newest draft of the script... You have come a long way sir! I really liked this draft, and where the story has come so far.
I am going to lay down some specific notes I had throughout reading it, and then my overall thoughts at the end of it. Okay... Here we go!
Page 5 - For some reason, the Hal line of "Aw Fuck Me" isnt working for me. It reads akward, as I dont believe it is something who gets their leg caught in a bear trap would say, but thats just me.
Page 9 - Benny begins to jitter... not quite sure what this means exactly? Is he laughing or shivering to himself?
Page 9 - Benny's line of "Well take a sleep". Is that the authentic way of saying it? It sounds weird to me but I know youve been doing your research.
Page 9 - You use the term retard-nighthawks. Was that term around back then?
Page 15 - You need to have a BOOM or SHOT insert in there before you say Trip has a hole in him. We need to know he gets shot in the script.
Throughtout the script (I mainly noticed on Pages 14-15) you go back and forth between passive and active voice in your scene actions/ descriptions (an example being on page 15: "Trip yelps, jumping back, dropping the knife. Trip runs towards Hal, punching at his face in blind anger."). You need to make sure it is all the same voice.
Overall, I think its an improvement over what you have had and I really cant wait to see how it all turns out... what I am picturing in my head is proly nowhere close to whats going to be on screen once your done with it (in a good way!).
Page 2- little tuffs of hair fall to the ground? how hairy are Benny's arms?
ReplyDeletePage 7- I never heard the phrase "staring daggers into". Interesting picture that painted there.
Page7- The stuttering dialogue for Trip here took me out a bit saying "can...can". You should just say "can" and have a note that says stutters or something. Or you can just leave the awkwardly parenthetical there.
Page 8-There has been a lot of "staring" by this point.
Page 11- I think this new scene with Benny upset about John being massacred by Trip works really well. Benny is obviously shocked and disgusted whereas Trip is the scenes emotional contrast. But then I got a little confused as why Trip cracks and lets his eyes water. He's a tough guy, not a wuss.
Page 11- Another note on the "he, he, he" stutter. Just let that come out naturally from the actor.
Page 12- Why is Trip sobbing? Is he now weaker than Benny? I think it would work best if he shows remorse or whatever Benny wants from him, but the crying is a little over the top for him.
Page 13- So when Benny runs into the woods with the rifle, is he running after Trip or is he joining him. It wasn't very clear. or is that the point?
Page 14- Now Trip is back to his insane self?
Page 16- I only wanted to kill the Trip here, not the Trip that cried before.
I LOVE the new ending. It's very much like Crash! I think that works a lot more than killing Hal. This definitely concludes the story in a unique way. Nice work. I wish this were a feature length though, you could develop so much more here! Good work.
Chelsea, with the whole, switching Trip from psychotic to sobbing, I wanted to contrast his character in trying to compare him to a child. Everything about him is very much "in the moment". I'm not sure how to explain it but his character is very reactionary and at this point in the script Benny has been in denial over the terrible things Trip has done, so Trip has never really seen this explosive side of Benny, scaring him and really showing he's the little brother. That's just my justification, but I see what you mean.
ReplyDeleteHonestly dude at this point, I don't have too much criticism to give. What I can say is as your editor, I'm getting excited to cut this!
ReplyDeletePart of me is almost afraid of saying it, but I think this is definitely the right ending after your few weeks of "to kill Hal or not to kill Hal?" It just feels to come together that much better this way, and Benny being killed while in the act of trying to help Hal speaks right in line with the crazy situation he finds himself in throughout your script.
Other than that, I'm continually liking what I see with your script. With this draft you managed to make Trip that much more crazy, something that I wasn't sure could be done/had to be done; although now that it is, i'm diggin' it.
I really like how you made trip seem so much crazier. The scene where he is jumping on Hal's leg is brutal. It seems like this script is pretty much done, there is not much I can criticize. I didn't understand on your film journal, did you mean you are not going to add music too it at all? It's probably a good idea not too, maybe just put in some atmospheric sounds.
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteI don't really have much to say except for a few small comments. First, I didn't understand right away that the smaller graves were for children and that seems to be an important part of the story, so maybe just clarify that.
Also, later in the story Benny yells at trip for killing children but I was under the impression that he also took part in killing the children since 8 graves were for children and 2 were for adults. It confused me a little, why Benny would yell at Trip for something he also took part in, unless he was in a backwards way yelling at himself as well. Maybe coming to some sort of realization that has been building up inside him for some time.
I really like the ending of this draft A LOT. I would leave it as is. I like that Hal doesn't die and the private kills Benny. It's a sad kind of justice that I think is important to the conclusion of the story. Overall, good work.
-Danielle
Danielle, the idea behind Benny yelling at Trip about children is to (as i wanted it unclear up until this point) that Benny had no part in the massacre of children and it's been eating away at him. That scene is supposed to show Benny boiling over with everything that has been bothering him
ReplyDeleteChris this is a very, very good draft. I really don't know what to comment on. I really like Trip, he reminds me of Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. I think his dialogue is right on the money. He doesn't use too many big words which fits his character perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThe Hal/Private scene works nicely. Once Hal gets trapped, it's really gruesome. But it works.
The scenes with John are really tense and will work really well on screen with all the staring and all. I did not see coming what Trip did to John. That was gruesome too.
I really like this ending. Trip comes across as an out of control psycho now. I like how Benny holds Trip til he passes. Once Benny walks over to Hal with the knife I knew that Jacob was going to come soon and kill Benny. But I really like that Hal doesn't die.
This was awesome. Good job Chris.
Hey Chris. I'm loving some of your changes. The whole time I was really into the script and it kept me wanting to read more. The scene with Trip jumping on Hal's leg was intense. I was squirming in my seat just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteI do have to agree with Dominic's comment though about some of the dialogue. It pulled me out of the story several times. When they use words like "morose" and "resentful" I just don't believe it. It just seems contradictory to what we know of the character.
Other than that I really don't have much more criticism for you. I am very excited to see the finished product eventually.
I really dont have many changes. I really like the script how it is. I think you can really get creative with the look and feel of this.
ReplyDeleteJust one thought, the dialogue change on page 11 when Benny says "Stupid piece of trash!", I feel piece of trash might feel a little weird. I feel piece of shit would be more appropriate, especially following the previous line of I told you to fucking leave.
Other than that, I really like the changes in the script. All flows well and never a dull moment! :D I like the ending of how Trip dies and the little additions of him being a smart ass. Cant wait to see it!
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the old ending immensely, but this new ending seems to have more emotional weight to it than the last one. Having Hal survive with Benny attempting one last good deed was sort of poetic. I think the atmosphere is very apparent in this draft toward the ending and I can't wait to see it on the screen.
ReplyDeletepg 3 - Change 'Private' to 'Jacob' when he's speaking
ReplyDeletepg 9 - Not sure that Trip would refer to John and the rest of the army as "you boys" just because John's older and Trip is attempting to be very respectful at the moment - maybe gentlemen instead
pg 11 - When Trip starts to stand up and Benny says "I told him to leave, Trip. Do you understand this?" and Trip says "Yeah, well, he's gone now" - I think it would be more interesting for Trip to stand and Benny to still be talking to the corpse saying "I told you to leave. Do you understand this?" and then Trip interjects and then Benny looks back to notice and start yelling at Trip.
"fuck you over" doesn't seem to fit the time period.
pg 12 - Trip saying "I'm done with this" is like an acknowledgment that he's killing basically out of pleasure - if he says something more specific, like "I'm done killing trappers" then it's like he really doesn't know that he's doing anything wrong and is just trying to appease Benny.
To Nick B - yeah, at the moment I don't think i want a score. I think having nothing but ambient noises will add that much more to the feel of the movie
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteThe changes are really good I’m glad you changed the ending a lot. I think that I like the correlation of the burial scenes. Why is Trip still wanting to kill the guys after him? Didn’t he just apologize for killing? Or is it just his nature? I like the fight scene between Hal and Trip definitely is a good way to see how he is mental and is a good reason for Benny to end things. It’s easier to see why Benny would kill his own brother now. The ending now is so much more emotional and you really feel for Benny he is the guy who was in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time. The audience can now connect with him. Good Job so far :)
SCRIPT
ReplyDeletein the first scene, Trip dialogue is a bit corn-pone. dial it down or make sure you have a great actor
i don't know if i'd have Trip reference the buffalo soldiers; feel like you're showing your hand
4; the graves reference will lead the audience to think he's talking about the graves from the start of the film; is it those graves or others; if others, drop graves and make it something else that he saw that was equally gruesome
6; "They walk deeper into the forest.
EXT. FOREST - DUSK Just tree tops can be seen; the sound of a loud SNAP."
- i wouldn't do a scene break here. might kill the bear trap moment
7; you will need some sort of time trans before the trapper scene
8; as we talked about, Benny foulness towards the trapper will be unclear to the audience; even if he alludes to wanting to move on before others come, later in the scene
and KY note
14; you need to finesse who Trip gets to Hal; it's not working for me right now; you probably need to be in Benny's POV; maybe even include the running; you can montage to cut through time
and i'm not entirely convinced that Benny would follow his brother; you have to JUSTIFY the behavior
or maybe he was only a short way away and that's the irony; Trip could "trip" on that, laughing at how he was just right there all along; but you'd have to justify how it is they didn't here him; maybe when the move to bury the trapper, they decide they need to do it at the bottom of a ridge or something to make sure nobody finds him (i'm reaching here). the hal starts screaming; lucky turn for Trip
consider this for end; Hal jerks making Benny cut himself really really bad, sending him into a dizzying rage over EVERYTHING, not just being cut, but killing his brother, witnessing the murder of indian children and woman, it's all flooding over in conscience and he's losing it and the only thing he can do the quell his rage is to kill - which he does and there is silence.
until BANG! he's shot by the private
sigh.. i just posted this huge thing and i got an error message, tried to go back but my whole message was gone!
ReplyDeleteanyway, to sum up what i just wrote, i am really liking the filmmakers journal, i like the fact that you intend to give trip's shots a bit of a fisheye look that will definitely add uneasiness to the character. i know you have a good script because when i was looking at the pics you posted in your FJ it looked exactly like i imagined it would.. cool!
for scouting locations, i think you have some good picks. if you decided to shoot in pine, its really a great location, lots of tall pines and wilderness. Even some open grassy valleys surrounded by mountains. id have to talk to some family but i have a cabin up there that anyone from class could use while shooting their caps if the time is right and thats where they wanna shoot
good looking script and FJ