On page 2, for Mama Mia's, I would be careful with this because of copyright issues (just cause its a musical short and that is a musical play)
On page 5, "we are going to be late for the movie so we should probably be leaving soon...". I feel this dialogue needs to be a little bitchier. like "We are going to be late for the movie. Lets go already" just to give Lauren a lil bichy edge. Just a suggestion.
Page 16- I really like the "battle" scene. I'm excited to see how this will turn out!! Should be fun!
Page 17- I feel there is a typo or something because Daryls lines are right in a row. Daryl says "anyways our previous lead just. Liz, we've never been more serious about anything". Is Johnny suppose to say "anyways our previous lead just"?
Overall I like the changes. I think they work well!!! Can't wait to hear the music!
Chelsea, I just got down reading your newest draft (is it the final one?). I will put down the specific comments I have made first... and then some general, overall thoughts at the end of it all.
Page 1 - I cant remember the music choice... when it says, "Music begins to play (Song 1)", is it going to be an original song or something you pick out?
Page 2 - I don’t like the "Liz nervously answers" description. It reads more like a parenthesis.
Page 1 to 3 - It says Song 1 continues to play, so you should probably mention it plays in background or something (Kind of a picky thing, I know!).
Page 3 - It says, "Liz snaps back to reality" and "Lauren orders her food"... does that mean the page or so before was just in her head and Lauren was there the whole time?
Page 3 - It says "TJ, and his friend and Lauren" are standing outside... should just be "TJ, his friends, and Lauren".
Page 5 - "To Liz" should be in parenthesis above TJ's line of "Okay, well see you later"
Page 5 - The “He’s mine so back off” look should be something more specific a direct.
Page 5 - “(with pride)”, “(sighs)”, and “(beat)” should have their own line.
Page 8 – Is Lauren also auditioning like Liz, or does she already have a position in the show?
Page 10 – OMIT?
Page 12 – TJ at the bottom of the page should just be moved to the next, since it goes into dialogue.
Page 13 – The longing second should be the long second.
Page 15 – Lauren at the bottom of the page should be moved to the top of page 16 since it’s her dialogue.
Page 16 – The line “First you try to upstage me by stealing TJ, and now you try to upstage me again!” reads awkward.
Page 17 – The Daryl dialogue lines “Anyways, our previous lead just” awkwardly ends and then it goes to “Liz, we've never been more serious about anything.” but I am assuming that was just a typo.
Page 18 – There was no “The End” at the bottom of the page.
What do the different color highlights mean? I am assuming they mark changes you have made in the script since the last draft, but what does each color mean?
Overall… a pretty decent rewrite over the last draft. Interesting to see how this all turns out.
I really like where you went with this draft, I think that the climax sticks out way more and has a better resolution than the previous drafts.
I also really like this line:
Elizabeth, I think you may have the spunk to make it into this musical!...but unfortunately you just committed an act of violence against another student, who may or may be dead right now...
Just one suggestion, you might want to introduce Daryl and Johnny somewhere earlier in this script. Maybe just show them in the background or something.
Overall there's some new, good stuff in here that I'm liking. There's also some stuff I don't feel 100% on though, either. Here's my notes:
The scene at Mama Mias - I'm not entirely sure if this was intentional or not through the rewrites, but I like that it's only TJ and Lauren that come to Liz's work - it introduces them as the couple (even though we find out later they're not) that Liz envies. The only reason I wondered if it was on purpose or not was because in the next scene outside Mama Mia's, you have that TJ and Lauren are now also with his friends, who were not mentioned in INT. Mama Mias. Sure, they could have shown up I guess, but I think this could use some clearing up or just get rid of the friends altogether. That also means TJ momentarily ditching Lauren to talk to Liz outside (even if it is to tell her about her skirt fiasco) is that much more offensive to Lauren if her and TJ are alone and thusly, she continually enters bitch mode towards Liz.
Mr. Fountain - You made him a bit more serious and mean throughout it seems like to me. Still funny, but personally I liked his dialogue how you had it before. He was more of a quack than an ass and I think it fits Liz and her goofy adventure better. My opinion, though.
The "training" montage - Now, I have a feeling you've probably got this covered with the actual song/lyrics that'll be taking place here, which obviously aren't in the script, but this entire montage at least the way it reads now is entirely focused on TJ and Liz's relationship growing. That's fine and important, but what about her actually trying to get ready for the next auditions? The montage ended and I'm told it's 5 weeks later - I wouldn't expect her to be do any better because all I've been shown is that she spent time with TJ and nothing else. Again, maybe the song/lyrics and visuals that go with it (although they're still not in your script) will cover this.
Daryl and Johnny - I like the addition of these two characters and I like where the story ends up with them, but I'm worried they might be coming in just a bit too late. Also, they're in detention in shop class? This is a nit-picky thing, but that just doesn't seem like it would look right to me. Maybe just cut the detention part, they don't have to be in it, they can just be in shop class. Or anywhere, really as long as it makes sense in terms of location in relation to Liz in the bathroom.
So Tina and Clark let Liz out, but you end the scene before of them possibly hearing her simply with "I don't hear anything." Next shot, and bam, they've let Liz out. That won't make for a good transition and really doesn't make too much sense, either. This is an easy fix, just show Tina starting to realize what/who she's actually hearing.
The battle between Lauren and Liz can be cool and fun, that'll obviously just take awesome planning and blocking and whatnot. But looking forward to that.
I'm not sold on Mr. Fountain's reaction to the battle, though. I like it at first, how it seems to be leading to her making the cut. And I'm actually fine with the fact that he then pulls a 180 and tells her to get out, but I think the dialogue/explanation just needs to be stronger to make me believe it. It's gotta catch everyone off guard if it seems like he's about to cast her and then doesn't - his reasoning right now for not, to me, just didn't work and I think it could be something better and more funny.
Overall, there's some good, new stuff in here. But it is new, and now that new stuff just needs the work to make it mesh better to make your script even better.
The only comment I have is that I agree that Daryl and Johnny need to be brought up a little sooner. Also, I would be really careful that the training scenes don't come across as cheesy. I think with the music it will look good though.
Other than that,there were so many parts of this that I loved! The part about Clark Burger and how he puts his gum behind his ear is super funny, but my FAVORITE part is when her and TJ are on the roof of his car and she says, "Yeah, I pretty much like anything with bacon." Then it gets kind of awkward. I was cracking up when I read this. I also like the silly little things that Liz and TJ have in common. Very cute.
I like Liz a lot, but she reminds me so much of the character "Liz" from that MTV show 'My Life as Liz.' Maybe it is just the name, but reading this, my mind kept going back to the character from the TV show.
I can't wait to see how this turns out! I love it! Let me know if you need any help with this, make-up or something. I just really like it, I'd like to help!
i have to agree with nick about the training sequence that shows the relationship between liz and tj i would love to see liz getting ready for that audition.
I really love the changes you've made especially to the ending and i think that has made your piece very strong. I really cant wait to see the lyrics, i think this is going to turn out great
this draft is really good. Thank you for adding the colors to the changes. It helps out A LOT. I like how you put when the songs start and end. I like the new Mr. Fountain dialogue about why he's not still on Broadway.
I like the new addition of TJ and Liz bonding/ playing with each other on pages 10-12.
Good choice on adding Daryl and Johnny. They are new characters right? Maybe we could get introduced to them at the restaurant or in the school hallways saying hello to Liz or something. When the appear in the story they kinda come out of no where. I like them, I just want to meet them sooner so I know who they are later.
We kept on saying more Lauren, more Lauren and I think by adding song 5 with Lauren and Liz on staging was a great choice bc we get to see a "battle" with the girls. I think this will be great on screen.
I like this ending. I didn't see it coming but it's a good fit for Liz. Overall good job!
I know you've got mixed opinions on the subject but I'm not loving the new Mr. Fountain. I liked how he used to be this crazy old washed up guy that would just ramble on and on about his glory days. Now he's a crazy old asshole guy. But I do LOVE his line about how Lauren may or may *not*? (I figured that's what you meant but the word not isn't there) be dead. That's hilarious in my opinion.
I like the battle between Liz and Lauren happening through song and dance. Very fitting.
I also agree with a lot of the other comments that Daryl and Johnny should probably be introduced earlier. They just seem to come out of nowhere.
Pg2 - "she drums her hand or pencil" i know this is nitpicky but just pick one. It read weird.
Pg3 - Already I like what you're doing with Lauren. You're really bringing bitch out in her.
But, when she asks for the French Toast, you should have her say it in a way that is super awesome bitchy....like maybe have her make some snide remark about the quality of her toast before. Liz should just rub Lauren the wrong way immediately making her all full of bitchitude.
Pg3- technical note...there's no spacing between one of Liz's and TJ's dialogue
winks charmingly should be in your action, not a paranthetical
Pg5 - be careful with mr fountain. if done right he could come off as hilarious, as I think he is, but if done wrong it could come off as cheezy and weird...people could think it's overdone, just make sure you really embrace how overdone he is
"got shaft" or got shafted?
In fact, now that I think about it, you should make his character even more over the top. Right now he's demeaning, but clearly he's a very bitter and angry man, he should just tear these kids apart. Really rip em apart, just to make himself feel better.
Pg10 - Liz scooting off the front of the car. Really funny.
I really like your new ending. The idea of her going off and joining a rock band just tickles me. I like it.
But, I think you're still missing something and it has to do with Lauren and Liz relationship. I really think this needs to be fleshed out and you need to make this one of your main subplots. I like what you've added with her, but they are just little teeny moments, I really think she needs to be a central character. Right now there's nothing really stopping Liz other than the power's that be, I think you need to give a very personal and a very mean face to what is thwarting Liz and her desires. But overall, you're heading in the right direction and I'm really enjoying how the script is coming along. I'm really interested to see it put to music and lyrics, giving it a whole other dimension.
Chelsea, I love how you’re going to have the scenes just continue after a musical number. I think that’s going to be great for you’re piece and shapes you’re story and Liz’s character. I think you’ve really gotten into the heart of this story and made it much bigger than just a typical teenage girl fight over a guy. I can’t wait to hear the music for this. I love musicals and can’t wait to see this Good Job :)
pg 2/3 - Lauren should notice Liz looking at TJ when he enters and then when Lauren says "service sucks in here" she should glare at Liz
Should Liz awkwardly walk back to the table to get their drink orders considering she never did that?
Why are TJ's friends in the parking lot? Where'd they come from? It'll work fine if it's just him and Lauren.
pg 6 - Mr. Fountain is reminding me more and more of Fajman - you should have him audition!
Last part of the script - TJ is absent for basically all of this audition/trapped in the bathroom/metal music business - we don't see him until the concert at the end, but if he's been working with her and supporting her for five weeks, you can bet he would be there in that audience watching her audition - yeah it's a closed audition, but he would find a way to watch it - from the balcony, hidden behind curtains or something - he needs to be present in this last sequence.
I really like the characters of Daryl and Johnny and would like to see them introduced earlier in the script - doesn't have to be in a big way or anything, just something where we know that Liz knows them and we see the kind of guys they are - maybe they're eating at Mamma Mia's and we see their lead singer walk out on them in the background, then later on we can see them putting up a poster looking for a new singer on the side of the frame when Lauren is looking at TJ and Liz practice outside the gym - very subtle stuff but still something.
P16: I'm not a fan of the last line by Mr. Fountain. I think there needs to be something more to justify his ultimate decision. Especially coming from a guy who doesn't seem to care about his job all that much. Maybe Lauren actually gets the role instead because he liked hers slightly more, or he liked Lauren's dedication in falling or something.
Definitely agreed with introducing Daryl and Johnny earlier. They essentially feel like a cheat for a happy ending as it stands now.
I do like the ultimate ending though. It gives us a nice unexpected way to give Liz a happy ending. I was originally going to say how cliche it felt in parts, but the end makes up for it.
But overall, I'm liking how this is coming along and can't wait to hear the music that'll accompanying it.
pg2-i think its to her self, but when she talks about granny panties you may want to parenthetical it and say "to self" or "in mirror"
what is supposed to be where all of the "Omits" are before the date?
2nd to last pg-Daryl says "our lead just" and then it cuts off so what does daryl finish saying?
i would like to see t.j. and liz kiss at some point just to solidify their relationship, during the first date or some other time after. i just kept waiting for it but it never happened. plus it could create a dramatic moment.
I like your open and how the music works with it Fountain is funny 7; Definitely Not - good plot point; very funny 8; still seems to easy to get TJ 11; i don't quite get how the milk duds and popcorn get on their butts but i get this montage however, you might consider making it more of a Rocky style training montage with Liz and TJ; i know there's some of that, but you might make this the point of the montage 13; the rockers are funny 14; it's not that satisfying having clark and tina unlock the door 15; funny to have the shop guys clapping i have to say i saw the twist (joining the Heavy Metal band) coming; you have to find a way to hide it and to reveal it better; it needs to surprise and delight; i think by having them ask her might not be as fun as seeing her totally bummed, seeing TJ try to make her feel better, seeing her mope off, and then scratching their chins and then cut to - Liz in full heavy metalness - or something like that did you see Luketic's short?
On page 2, for Mama Mia's, I would be careful with this because of copyright issues (just cause its a musical short and that is a musical play)
ReplyDeleteOn page 5, "we are going to be late for the movie so we should probably be leaving soon...". I feel this dialogue needs to be a little bitchier. like "We are going to be late for the movie. Lets go already" just to give Lauren a lil bichy edge. Just a suggestion.
Page 16- I really like the "battle" scene. I'm excited to see how this will turn out!! Should be fun!
Page 17- I feel there is a typo or something because Daryls lines are right in a row. Daryl says "anyways our previous lead just. Liz, we've never been more serious about anything". Is Johnny suppose to say "anyways our previous lead just"?
Overall I like the changes. I think they work well!!! Can't wait to hear the music!
We fixed the typo with Daryl's lines. Celtx got weird at one point when it was being exported, and jumbled up those couple lines.
ReplyDeleteChelsea,
ReplyDeleteI just got down reading your newest draft (is it the final one?). I will put down the specific comments I have made first... and then some general, overall thoughts at the end of it all.
Page 1 - I cant remember the music choice... when it says, "Music begins to play (Song 1)", is it going to be an original song or something you pick out?
Page 2 - I don’t like the "Liz nervously answers" description. It reads more like a parenthesis.
Page 1 to 3 - It says Song 1 continues to play, so you should probably mention it plays in background or something (Kind of a picky thing, I know!).
Page 3 - It says, "Liz snaps back to reality" and "Lauren orders her food"... does that mean the page or so before was just in her head and Lauren was there the whole time?
Page 3 - It says "TJ, and his friend and Lauren" are standing outside... should just be "TJ, his friends, and Lauren".
Page 5 - "To Liz" should be in parenthesis above TJ's line of "Okay, well see you later"
Page 5 - The “He’s mine so back off” look should be something more specific a direct.
Page 5 - “(with pride)”, “(sighs)”, and “(beat)” should have their own line.
Page 8 – Is Lauren also auditioning like Liz, or does she already have a position in the show?
Page 10 – OMIT?
Page 12 – TJ at the bottom of the page should just be moved to the next, since it goes into dialogue.
Page 13 – The longing second should be the long second.
Page 15 – Lauren at the bottom of the page should be moved to the top of page 16 since it’s her dialogue.
Page 16 – The line “First you try to upstage me by stealing TJ, and now you try to upstage me again!” reads awkward.
Page 17 – The Daryl dialogue lines “Anyways, our previous lead just” awkwardly ends and then it goes to “Liz, we've never been more serious about anything.” but I am assuming that was just a typo.
Page 18 – There was no “The End” at the bottom of the page.
What do the different color highlights mean? I am assuming they mark changes you have made in the script since the last draft, but what does each color mean?
Overall… a pretty decent rewrite over the last draft. Interesting to see how this all turns out.
I really like where you went with this draft, I think that the climax sticks out way more and has a better resolution than the previous drafts.
ReplyDeleteI also really like this line:
Elizabeth, I think you may have the
spunk to make it into this
musical!...but unfortunately you
just committed an act of violence
against another student, who may or
may be dead right now...
Just one suggestion, you might want to introduce Daryl and Johnny somewhere earlier in this script. Maybe just show them in the background or something.
Overall there's some new, good stuff in here that I'm liking. There's also some stuff I don't feel 100% on though, either. Here's my notes:
ReplyDeleteThe scene at Mama Mias - I'm not entirely sure if this was intentional or not through the rewrites, but I like that it's only TJ and Lauren that come to Liz's work - it introduces them as the couple (even though we find out later they're not) that Liz envies. The only reason I wondered if it was on purpose or not was because in the next scene outside Mama Mia's, you have that TJ and Lauren are now also with his friends, who were not mentioned in INT. Mama Mias. Sure, they could have shown up I guess, but I think this could use some clearing up or just get rid of the friends altogether. That also means TJ momentarily ditching Lauren to talk to Liz outside (even if it is to tell her about her skirt fiasco) is that much more offensive to Lauren if her and TJ are alone and thusly, she continually enters bitch mode towards Liz.
Mr. Fountain - You made him a bit more serious and mean throughout it seems like to me. Still funny, but personally I liked his dialogue how you had it before. He was more of a quack than an ass and I think it fits Liz and her goofy adventure better. My opinion, though.
The "training" montage - Now, I have a feeling you've probably got this covered with the actual song/lyrics that'll be taking place here, which obviously aren't in the script, but this entire montage at least the way it reads now is entirely focused on TJ and Liz's relationship growing. That's fine and important, but what about her actually trying to get ready for the next auditions? The montage ended and I'm told it's 5 weeks later - I wouldn't expect her to be do any better because all I've been shown is that she spent time with TJ and nothing else. Again, maybe the song/lyrics and visuals that go with it (although they're still not in your script) will cover this.
Daryl and Johnny - I like the addition of these two characters and I like where the story ends up with them, but I'm worried they might be coming in just a bit too late. Also, they're in detention in shop class? This is a nit-picky thing, but that just doesn't seem like it would look right to me. Maybe just cut the detention part, they don't have to be in it, they can just be in shop class. Or anywhere, really as long as it makes sense in terms of location in relation to Liz in the bathroom.
So Tina and Clark let Liz out, but you end the scene before of them possibly hearing her simply with "I don't hear anything." Next shot, and bam, they've let Liz out. That won't make for a good transition and really doesn't make too much sense, either. This is an easy fix, just show Tina starting to realize what/who she's actually hearing.
The battle between Lauren and Liz can be cool and fun, that'll obviously just take awesome planning and blocking and whatnot. But looking forward to that.
I'm not sold on Mr. Fountain's reaction to the battle, though. I like it at first, how it seems to be leading to her making the cut. And I'm actually fine with the fact that he then pulls a 180 and tells her to get out, but I think the dialogue/explanation just needs to be stronger to make me believe it. It's gotta catch everyone off guard if it seems like he's about to cast her and then doesn't - his reasoning right now for not, to me, just didn't work and I think it could be something better and more funny.
Overall, there's some good, new stuff in here. But it is new, and now that new stuff just needs the work to make it mesh better to make your script even better.
Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteThe only comment I have is that I agree that Daryl and Johnny need to be brought up a little sooner. Also, I would be really careful that the training scenes don't come across as cheesy. I think with the music it will look good though.
Other than that,there were so many parts of this that I loved! The part about Clark Burger and how he puts his gum behind his ear is super funny, but my FAVORITE part is when her and TJ are on the roof of his car and she says, "Yeah, I pretty much like anything with bacon." Then it gets kind of awkward. I was cracking up when I read this. I also like the silly little things that Liz and TJ have in common. Very cute.
I like Liz a lot, but she reminds me so much of the character "Liz" from that MTV show 'My Life as Liz.' Maybe it is just the name, but reading this, my mind kept going back to the character from the TV show.
I can't wait to see how this turns out! I love it! Let me know if you need any help with this, make-up or something. I just really like it, I'd like to help!
-Danielle
chelsea
ReplyDeletei have to agree with nick about the training sequence that shows the relationship between liz and tj i would love to see liz getting ready for that audition.
I really love the changes you've made especially to the ending and i think that has made your piece very strong. I really cant wait to see the lyrics, i think this is going to turn out great
Chelsea,
ReplyDeletethis draft is really good. Thank you for adding the colors to the changes. It helps out A LOT. I like how you put when the songs start and end.
I like the new Mr. Fountain dialogue about why he's not still on Broadway.
I like the new addition of TJ and Liz bonding/ playing with each other on pages 10-12.
Good choice on adding Daryl and Johnny. They are new characters right? Maybe we could get introduced to them at the restaurant or in the school hallways saying hello to Liz or something. When the appear in the story they kinda come out of no where. I like them, I just want to meet them sooner so I know who they are later.
We kept on saying more Lauren, more Lauren and I think by adding song 5 with Lauren and Liz on staging was a great choice bc we get to see a "battle" with the girls. I think this will be great on screen.
I like this ending. I didn't see it coming but it's a good fit for Liz. Overall good job!
I know you've got mixed opinions on the subject but I'm not loving the new Mr. Fountain. I liked how he used to be this crazy old washed up guy that would just ramble on and on about his glory days. Now he's a crazy old asshole guy. But I do LOVE his line about how Lauren may or may *not*? (I figured that's what you meant but the word not isn't there) be dead. That's hilarious in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI like the battle between Liz and Lauren happening through song and dance. Very fitting.
I also agree with a lot of the other comments that Daryl and Johnny should probably be introduced earlier. They just seem to come out of nowhere.
Good job though!
Pg2 - "she drums her hand or pencil" i know this is nitpicky but just pick one. It read weird.
ReplyDeletePg3 - Already I like what you're doing with Lauren. You're really bringing bitch out in her.
But, when she asks for the French Toast, you should have her say it in a way that is super awesome bitchy....like maybe have her make some snide remark about the quality of her toast before. Liz should just rub Lauren the wrong way immediately making her all full of bitchitude.
Pg3- technical note...there's no spacing between one of Liz's and TJ's dialogue
winks charmingly should be in your action, not a paranthetical
Pg5 - be careful with mr fountain. if done right he could come off as hilarious, as I think he is, but if done wrong it could come off as cheezy and weird...people could think it's overdone, just make sure you really embrace how overdone he is
"got shaft" or got shafted?
In fact, now that I think about it, you should make his character even more over the top. Right now he's demeaning, but clearly he's a very bitter and angry man, he should just tear these kids apart. Really rip em apart, just to make himself feel better.
Pg10 - Liz scooting off the front of the car. Really funny.
I really like your new ending. The idea of her going off and joining a rock band just tickles me. I like it.
But, I think you're still missing something and it has to do with Lauren and Liz relationship. I really think this needs to be fleshed out and you need to make this one of your main subplots. I like what you've added with her, but they are just little teeny moments, I really think she needs to be a central character. Right now there's nothing really stopping Liz other than the power's that be, I think you need to give a very personal and a very mean face to what is thwarting Liz and her desires. But overall, you're heading in the right direction and I'm really enjoying how the script is coming along. I'm really interested to see it put to music and lyrics, giving it a whole other dimension.
Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteI love how you’re going to have the scenes just continue after a musical number. I think that’s going to be great for you’re piece and shapes you’re story and Liz’s character. I think you’ve really gotten into the heart of this story and made it much bigger than just a typical teenage girl fight over a guy. I can’t wait to hear the music for this. I love musicals and can’t wait to see this Good Job :)
pg 2/3 - Lauren should notice Liz looking at TJ when he enters and then when Lauren says "service sucks in here" she should glare at Liz
ReplyDeleteShould Liz awkwardly walk back to the table to get their drink orders considering she never did that?
Why are TJ's friends in the parking lot? Where'd they come from? It'll work fine if it's just him and Lauren.
pg 6 - Mr. Fountain is reminding me more and more of Fajman - you should have him audition!
Last part of the script - TJ is absent for basically all of this audition/trapped in the bathroom/metal music business - we don't see him until the concert at the end, but if he's been working with her and supporting her for five weeks, you can bet he would be there in that audience watching her audition - yeah it's a closed audition, but he would find a way to watch it - from the balcony, hidden behind curtains or something - he needs to be present in this last sequence.
I really like the characters of Daryl and Johnny and would like to see them introduced earlier in the script - doesn't have to be in a big way or anything, just something where we know that Liz knows them and we see the kind of guys they are - maybe they're eating at Mamma Mia's and we see their lead singer walk out on them in the background, then later on we can see them putting up a poster looking for a new singer on the side of the frame when Lauren is looking at TJ and Liz practice outside the gym - very subtle stuff but still something.
P16: I'm not a fan of the last line by Mr. Fountain. I think there needs to be something more to justify his ultimate decision. Especially coming from a guy who doesn't seem to care about his job all that much. Maybe Lauren actually gets the role instead because he liked hers slightly more, or he liked Lauren's dedication in falling or something.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely agreed with introducing Daryl and Johnny earlier. They essentially feel like a cheat for a happy ending as it stands now.
I do like the ultimate ending though. It gives us a nice unexpected way to give Liz a happy ending. I was originally going to say how cliche it felt in parts, but the end makes up for it.
But overall, I'm liking how this is coming along and can't wait to hear the music that'll accompanying it.
pg2-i think its to her self, but when she talks about granny panties you may want to parenthetical it and say "to self" or "in mirror"
ReplyDeletewhat is supposed to be where all of the "Omits" are before the date?
2nd to last pg-Daryl says "our lead just" and then it cuts off so what does daryl finish saying?
i would like to see t.j. and liz kiss at some point just to solidify their relationship, during the first date or some other time after. i just kept waiting for it but it never happened. plus it could create a dramatic moment.
I like your open and how the music works with it
ReplyDeleteFountain is funny
7; Definitely Not - good plot point; very funny
8; still seems to easy to get TJ
11; i don't quite get how the milk duds and popcorn get on their butts
but i get this montage
however, you might consider making it more of a Rocky style training montage with Liz and TJ; i know there's some of that, but you might make this the point of the montage
13; the rockers are funny
14; it's not that satisfying having clark and tina unlock the door
15; funny to have the shop guys clapping
i have to say i saw the twist (joining the Heavy Metal band) coming; you have to find a way to hide it and to reveal it better; it needs to surprise and delight; i think by having them ask her might not be as fun as seeing her totally bummed, seeing TJ try to make her feel better, seeing her mope off, and then scratching their chins and then cut to - Liz in full heavy metalness - or something like that
did you see Luketic's short?