Thanks for the heads up on which draft to actually read... I saw that you had uploaded 3 things and was like "whhhhhaaaaaaaaaa?".
Took a look a both of your things, and put down the usual kind of comments below miss.
As I already mentioned in Chris's thread, its kind of hard to really mention/ talk about much since we are so far into the semester already and this is the 4th and final deliverable, but I did my best.
I liked some of the new inclusions in this draft… mainly the ones that were great character moments (between the sisters) and some humorous ones as well (like with the ashes being such a bothersome experience for these girls). I liked when Kate and Danielle are talking the “special places” where their Dad would take them both… a great emotional scene that the audience can connect too (my dad would take me to a nature trail to ride our bikes when I was younger).
The part the ashes blow back on these girls is a great moment too!
The stadium chases/ grab part should be interesting (towards the end of the script)… do you have any idea where/ how you are going to shoot it?
For the journal, I kind of thought that there would be more of a concise/ detailed description of how you were going to pay the bills for this film, but like everyone else here, who the hells knows how to make some money!
Did you ever figure out what you are going to do about the car rig?
awesome script, also was wondering what your plan was with the car rig, seeing that you have a ton of footage to be done in a vehicle.
Noticed some minor things,
p2-, I have a letter in an envelope for each location, so wait to open it when you are each place. (reads funny, maybe re-word the last sentence.)
p3- When mother states-I know but you know I can’t skip work. We can’t afford it. Besides, this is the way he wanted this. ( maybe just change the "this" to "it" at the end, flows better.)
Oh I just realized I read your 2nd draft, anyways I'm glad you changed the scene with the dog tripping Danielle to her placing the ashes on top of the car. Much more believable in my opinion, which I can attest to.
p12- the line about "parents control your god damn child," kind of pulled me out of it for a second.
Thats really all I have, otherwise liked all your revisions
Pg4 -Danielle opens a small case and pops a pill in her mouth. She opens the car door begrudgingly.
I don't think you need to go to a scene change after this. Being as how it's the same location I think you could just play this out as one scene in the script format.
Pg5 - That’s funny, him and I would do the same. We have a place just like this.
I like this line. It gives an immediate sense of the sisters starting to have something in common
Pg6 - Danielle still is hostile towards Kate. She seems to be in a daze, not acknowledging Kate’s presence at all.
How is she hostile towards Kate? You immediately follow with saying she's ignoring Kate, but if she's ignoring she can't be hostile. I think you can either drop this line or you need to add a line of action or dialogue to physically show how she is being hostile.
Pg7 - Who puts the urn on a car and forgets it!
I think it'd be more effective to say "an urn", it makes it more of a general statement and really drives home how stupid the character is in comparison to the remainder of the human race
When the urn shatters, this might be a good moment to have a gust of wind hit or a car drive by and kick up the ashes....have the sisters or sister trying to keep the ash from blowing away...could be a funny moment, if that's what you're looking for, but you know, funny in a tragic sort of way.
Pg8 - nevuhmind...you just did that....lololol
"That was close" and "let's go" seem a little lackluster in comparison to the situation...just doesn't sound like what someone would say after a situation like this....sounds like a cheezy action movie saying.....maybe you have one character do the silly line and the other looks at them like they're an idiot
Pg12 - I guess I'm a little confused. I don't know why this didnt bother me before, but why is it that Danielle is so pissed all the time and Kate is the nice one. I mean, the Father left Kate and her Mother to start a family and have Danielle.....why isn't Kate fucking furious with her.....i don't know if it's enough to just show that she's naive and good natured.
Pg13 - I don't know how big of a laugh the ashes getting blown all over them is. It's funny in the big lebowski, but i think because this is a parent it's more of a tragedy and would be super upsetting to both girls even if one didn't get covered. AND. They are carrying their Father's ashes around the country, meaning, they put worth and weight into these ashes. I don't know if she'd shrug it off and brush herself off like it's dust. i have a feeling a moment like this would cause a bit of a breakdown
Pg22 - I can see that you're trying to push them together by showing the Dad took them to the same place, but I think this would drive them apart...make them feel cheated out of something they thought was very special and personally theirs. In order to grow common grounds I think you need something them to both hate or be irritated about. Or maybe he would do something that would annoy the both of them, nothing big, something small, something unimportant, but in that smallness it could spur a lil, heh, we arent so different. So far, I haven't felt that, would you look at that we arent so different after all moment
Pg25 - The gang of lesbian moment is almost too out of left field. It could kinda work, but they're in and out, there's no reminiscence of the Father or importance in it. If they used to ride with their Father then maybe they are a part of this grand plan he has...i think they've gotta be in on it for it to work, or it's just a throw away gag
You have a story here, but it's missing something. You still don't quite have that element which draws the sisters together. They don't share that common ground yet. Like I said before, you are trying to do that with the bench, but as the characters are now, I have a feeling at least one of them would feel very cheated that this special spot was shared.
pg 1 - "I hope you choose this path to see some of this worlds beautiful locations" This sounds like an infomercial, like someone's trying to get me to take a cruise to Hawaii. Just change up the work choice...like 'places' instead of 'locations'.
pg 7 - "This is all your fault!" Super overdramatic.
pg 7 - "Dammit! Fuck! Shit!" I'm worried that since the words are actually written out, your actress will end up saying them like they're scripted instead of naturally. I vote that you just indicate something like 'various curse words' in the script and let her roll with it.
pg 8 - Danielle is trying to cover the ashes in one area... With her body? With something else?
pg 13 - "Oh my God. Ew!" Ahhh my reaction to a situation like that would never be to say 'ew' - it's her father, I would be fucking heartbroken if that happened and just start bawling, it's too soon after his death for them to laugh about something like that.
pg 24 - Nice addition with Girth - makes it so she's not just a joke anymore. I would suggest, though, that when we're first introduced to Girth and Dana, that Dana be trying to get the girls to stay the entire time and Girth just sits there surveying like she's trying to figure out why they're so familiar, and then Girth can be the one to grab Kate's hair and the reason she could grab it is because she's examining Kate's likeness to her father, and I mean if she's just sitting there the entire time and not saying anything and then goes to grab Kate's hair it plays the joke up even more because then she's like this big scary lesbian lady who's going to rape someone, pretty much.
pg 25 - I think it would be stronger if Danielle found the Dad and Kate etching - she could have a realization moment where it's like 'aww he did this with her too' before she shows Kate the one her dad etched for her.
Brittany, this is looking really good! But here's a just a couple of comments/suggestions:
PG 4: "Kate stands near a bus" Do you have a bus secured already? If not, you could just add some dialogue. A good spot would be on page 5, after the "Danielle looks away from Kate" line. Daniella could look around and not see any other cars then Danielle could fill that awkward pause with "so did you walk here or?" then kate replies " no i took a bus."
PG 13: "Not everyday you hear that expression." -Funny!
PG 13: "Next we'll have to get a rhino jar" -lol this is really funny. This girl has some good comebacks!
Pg 13, bottom of the page, INT. CAR - DAY: I think this is the scene where, as Chris put it, "the sister are drawn together". They need to bond over something and I think the father could be that something. For example, in the first scene with Danielle and her mom, the mom could be like "Dont forget to use premium gas every once in a while like you dad taught you" (Obviously let it be more suttle than that)then come back to scene where they're in the car sharing memories and Kate could mention "we should get premium gas next." and then it hits Danielle that this is her sister, not the enemy, not a bastard child, but her family. But I'm just thinking out loud here.
Pg 17: "I've been holding on to it long enough." I dont think you need this. Start with "It's just...." and that would do it.
pg 24: nice addition with Girth. I agree with erica about Dana trying to figure out who the girls are the whole time and Girth grabbing Kate's hair to see if it's like her dad's.
I love all the things you've added, i think you are about ready! Lucas said he is wondering what you have decided to use for the car rig. i think it would be just as funny if you left most of the scenes outside of the car. if you want to show the girls going at each other it would be funny just to shoot the car from a car behind and do V.Os of the girls yelling at each other. I thought you really found a good ending for the story, it really ramps up more than the old versions, and its going to be fun to watch. Like everyone else said, i love the addition of girth at the end, it was quite comical. loved it.
This is a very good draft. I do feel like the story needs something more though, I am not sure exactly what. I guess I just don't really get what genre this piece is supposed to be... It may not even matter. I think it is one of those stories that I will like a lot more when I actually see it on film.
I also agree with Chris about the scene with the lesbians, seems kind of random.
Pg 7: I don't think you need the "This is all your fault" line. Seems like the dialogue should've ended after the new urn line.
I think the car needs to do more than reverse for the urn to have enough force to drop like that. Maybe Kate could remember and cause Danielle to suddenly break quickly?
Pg 9: I can't imagine the first line being too stern if Danielle is asking a question.
Pg 13: Love the addition of ashes blowing back. It's been done before, but doesn't stop being funny.
I did like the new addition of the lesbians with the bigger role, but their return does really become random. Maybe Girth had a message to give to them or something more important than just bailing them out at the right time.
Overall though, the script becoming more and more solid. The small changes definitely add more hostility early on.
I dont have much to comment on, I this this is really good. The ending is much better in this draft. It wraps up the story much better and the lesbians make more sense. However, I do see what Chris is saying about the lesbian gang showing up having no importance to their father's journey he sent them on. Maybe they have a message for them that they wanted to tell them earlier but the girls ran away. Something to tie them in would be my only critique.
I also like that in this draft (especially with the new ending) that it seemed like the father cared equally for both of the girls instead of feeling like he was a better father to Danielle.
This has really great moments. I can't wait to see it!
Thank you for cutting out that opening hospital scene. I am confused on how your script got longer though. It may be because a lot of your action reads almost like a book. Most of the direction you have in there can just be given to your actors by you and does not necessarily have to be in the script.
Everyone seemed to have to same notice in typos as I did, just a few minor changes here and there.
Funny addition of the ashes blowing back at them. Totally gross though.
I agree with Chris about the vast difference between Kate's happy-go-lucky attitude and Danielle's bitterness. Kate almost seems underdeveloped, she might need something like Danielle has with the pills.
The lesbian scene is a little too long for me. I think it's funny, but it doesn't do anything to help move the story along. You can keep it if you want, but 27 pages is a lot!
Everybody has stated what I pretty much already feel:
-Lesbian Scene improved and seems more relevant
-The ashes blowing back at them is a cliche but you somewhat redeem it with the line "Well, Dad always did have a sense of humor" - funny
Finally, I wish there was something more to bond them together than simply the fact: 'Hey now they're spending time together!' I want some sort of discovery that I don't feel is there yet.
And then there is the exact same problem that I have with my script. Cut it shorter. There's a saying that a movie isn't too long unless if feels long. Your script felt long.
I like your additions, I think your piece is a lot stronger than it was.
I particularly liked the ending, it caps of their journey well and ends on a sweet note. I also liked how you incorporated Girth and Dana into the ending.
Overall, I can see this story coming together nicely, although I do agree with some of the suggestions people have made. Like, developing Kate's character more, right now she seems like just a 'rub off character' of Danielle.
I reckon, if you made her more confrontational or somewhat more dimensional it would play for more drama and excitement. It might even make those moments when they do come together even stronger.
I think Erica hit on what I wanted to say so far. This piece seems very melodramatic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, since it's very much about the characters and the characters are making the story, you have to be careful of how they reach the emotions they do. You'll have a lot of work on your hands on the directing side of this film.
I have to recommend watching "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" and watch the making of documentary. Sidney Lumet talks all about films that are very character driven. It's very interesting...
I, also, am concerned on how you plan on shooting all the driving sequences! I know you've probably put that on the back burner for now but since there's so much of it, I'd consider figuring that out sooner than later.
AH! Sorry guys- I uploaded the not updated (as much) version first.
ReplyDeleteRead the one with the ! on the end.
Thanks for the heads up on which draft to actually read... I saw that you had uploaded 3 things and was like "whhhhhaaaaaaaaaa?".
ReplyDeleteTook a look a both of your things, and put down the usual kind of comments below miss.
As I already mentioned in Chris's thread, its kind of hard to really mention/ talk about much since we are so far into the semester already and this is the 4th and final deliverable, but I did my best.
I liked some of the new inclusions in this draft… mainly the ones that were great character moments (between the sisters) and some humorous ones as well (like with the ashes being such a bothersome experience for these girls). I liked when Kate and Danielle are talking the “special places” where their Dad would take them both… a great emotional scene that the audience can connect too (my dad would take me to a nature trail to ride our bikes when I was younger).
The part the ashes blow back on these girls is a great moment too!
The stadium chases/ grab part should be interesting (towards the end of the script)… do you have any idea where/ how you are going to shoot it?
For the journal, I kind of thought that there would be more of a concise/ detailed description of how you were going to pay the bills for this film, but like everyone else here, who the hells knows how to make some money!
Did you ever figure out what you are going to do about the car rig?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Brittany,
ReplyDeleteawesome script, also was wondering what your plan was with the car rig, seeing that you have a ton of footage to be done in a vehicle.
Noticed some minor things,
p2-, I have a letter in an envelope for
each location, so wait to open it
when you are each place. (reads funny, maybe re-word the last sentence.)
p3- When mother states-I know but you know I can’t skip
work. We can’t afford it. Besides,
this is the way he wanted this. ( maybe just change the "this" to "it" at the end, flows better.)
Oh I just realized I read your 2nd draft, anyways I'm glad you changed the scene with the dog tripping Danielle to her placing the ashes on top of the car. Much more believable in my opinion, which I can attest to.
p12- the line about "parents control your god damn child," kind of pulled me out of it for a second.
Thats really all I have, otherwise liked all your revisions
Pg4 -Danielle opens a small case and pops a pill in her mouth. She opens the car door begrudgingly.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to go to a scene change after this. Being as how it's the same location I think you could just play this out as one scene in the script format.
Pg5 - That’s funny, him and I would do the same. We have a place just like this.
I like this line. It gives an immediate sense of the sisters starting to have something in common
Pg6 - Danielle still is hostile towards Kate. She seems to be in a daze, not acknowledging Kate’s presence at all.
How is she hostile towards Kate? You immediately follow with saying she's ignoring Kate, but if she's ignoring she can't be hostile. I think you can either drop this line or you need to add a line of action or dialogue to physically show how she is being hostile.
Pg7 - Who puts the urn on a car and forgets it!
I think it'd be more effective to say "an urn", it makes it more of a general statement and really drives home how stupid the character is in comparison to the remainder of the human race
When the urn shatters, this might be a good moment to have a gust of wind hit or a car drive by and kick up the ashes....have the sisters or sister trying to keep the ash from blowing away...could be a funny moment, if that's what you're looking for, but you know, funny in a tragic sort of way.
Pg8 - nevuhmind...you just did that....lololol
"That was close" and "let's go" seem a little lackluster in comparison to the situation...just doesn't sound like what someone would say after a situation like this....sounds like a cheezy action movie saying.....maybe you have one character do the silly line and the other looks at them like they're an idiot
Pg12 - I guess I'm a little confused. I don't know why this didnt bother me before, but why is it that Danielle is so pissed all the time and Kate is the nice one. I mean, the Father left Kate and her Mother to start a family and have Danielle.....why isn't Kate fucking furious with her.....i don't know if it's enough to just show that she's naive and good natured.
Pg13 - I don't know how big of a laugh the ashes getting blown all over them is. It's funny in the big lebowski, but i think because this is a parent it's more of a tragedy and would be super upsetting to both girls even if one didn't get covered. AND. They are carrying their Father's ashes around the country, meaning, they put worth and weight into these ashes. I don't know if she'd shrug it off and brush herself off like it's dust. i have a feeling a moment like this would cause a bit of a breakdown
Pg22 - I can see that you're trying to push them together by showing the Dad took them to the same place, but I think this would drive them apart...make them feel cheated out of something they thought was very special and personally theirs. In order to grow common grounds I think you need something them to both hate or be irritated about. Or maybe he would do something that would annoy the both of them, nothing big, something small, something unimportant, but in that smallness it could spur a lil, heh, we arent so different. So far, I haven't felt that, would you look at that we arent so different after all moment
ReplyDeletePg25 - The gang of lesbian moment is almost too out of left field. It could kinda work, but they're in and out, there's no reminiscence of the Father or importance in it. If they used to ride with their Father then maybe they are a part of this grand plan he has...i think they've gotta be in on it for it to work, or it's just a throw away gag
You have a story here, but it's missing something. You still don't quite have that element which draws the sisters together. They don't share that common ground yet. Like I said before, you are trying to do that with the bench, but as the characters are now, I have a feeling at least one of them would feel very cheated that this special spot was shared.
pg 1 - "I hope you choose this path to see some of this worlds beautiful locations" This sounds like an infomercial, like someone's trying to get me to take a cruise to Hawaii. Just change up the work choice...like 'places' instead of 'locations'.
ReplyDeletepg 7 - "This is all your fault!" Super overdramatic.
pg 7 - "Dammit! Fuck! Shit!" I'm worried that since the words are actually written out, your actress will end up saying them like they're scripted instead of naturally. I vote that you just indicate something like 'various curse words' in the script and let her roll with it.
pg 8 - Danielle is trying to cover the ashes in one area... With her body? With something else?
pg 13 - "Oh my God. Ew!" Ahhh my reaction to a situation like that would never be to say 'ew' - it's her father, I would be fucking heartbroken if that happened and just start bawling, it's too soon after his death for them to laugh about something like that.
pg 24 - Nice addition with Girth - makes it so she's not just a joke anymore. I would suggest, though, that when we're first introduced to Girth and Dana, that Dana be trying to get the girls to stay the entire time and Girth just sits there surveying like she's trying to figure out why they're so familiar, and then Girth can be the one to grab Kate's hair and the reason she could grab it is because she's examining Kate's likeness to her father, and I mean if she's just sitting there the entire time and not saying anything and then goes to grab Kate's hair it plays the joke up even more because then she's like this big scary lesbian lady who's going to rape someone, pretty much.
pg 25 - I think it would be stronger if Danielle found the Dad and Kate etching - she could have a realization moment where it's like 'aww he did this with her too' before she shows Kate the one her dad etched for her.
Brittany, this is looking really good! But here's a just a couple of comments/suggestions:
ReplyDeletePG 4: "Kate stands near a bus"
Do you have a bus secured already? If not, you could just add some dialogue. A good spot would be on page 5, after the "Danielle looks away from Kate" line. Daniella could look around and not see any other cars then Danielle could fill that awkward pause with "so did you walk here or?" then kate replies " no i took a bus."
PG 13: "Not everyday you hear that expression."
-Funny!
PG 13: "Next we'll have to get a rhino jar"
-lol this is really funny. This girl has some good comebacks!
Pg 13, bottom of the page, INT. CAR - DAY:
I think this is the scene where, as Chris put it, "the sister are drawn together". They need to bond over something and I think the father could be that something. For example, in the first scene with Danielle and her mom, the mom could be like "Dont forget to use premium gas every once in a while like you dad taught you" (Obviously let it be more suttle than that)then come back to scene where they're in the car sharing memories and Kate could mention "we should get premium gas next." and then it hits Danielle that this is her sister, not the enemy, not a bastard child, but her family. But I'm just thinking out loud here.
Pg 17: "I've been holding on to it long enough." I dont think you need this. Start with "It's just...." and that would do it.
pg 24: nice addition with Girth. I agree with erica about Dana trying to figure out who the girls are the whole time and Girth grabbing Kate's hair to see if it's like her dad's.
Overall this script was really good!
Hey!
ReplyDeleteI love all the things you've added, i think you are about ready! Lucas said he is wondering what you have decided to use for the car rig. i think it would be just as funny if you left most of the scenes outside of the car. if you want to show the girls going at each other it would be funny just to shoot the car from a car behind and do V.Os of the girls yelling at each other. I thought you really found a good ending for the story, it really ramps up more than the old versions, and its going to be fun to watch. Like everyone else said, i love the addition of girth at the end, it was quite comical. loved it.
This is a very good draft. I do feel like the story needs something more though, I am not sure exactly what. I guess I just don't really get what genre this piece is supposed to be... It may not even matter. I think it is one of those stories that I will like a lot more when I actually see it on film.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Chris about the scene with the lesbians, seems kind of random.
Pg 7: I don't think you need the "This is all your fault" line. Seems like the dialogue should've ended after the new urn line.
ReplyDeleteI think the car needs to do more than reverse for the urn to have enough force to drop like that. Maybe Kate could remember and cause Danielle to suddenly break quickly?
Pg 9: I can't imagine the first line being too stern if Danielle is asking a question.
Pg 13: Love the addition of ashes blowing back. It's been done before, but doesn't stop being funny.
I did like the new addition of the lesbians with the bigger role, but their return does really become random. Maybe Girth had a message to give to them or something more important than just bailing them out at the right time.
Overall though, the script becoming more and more solid. The small changes definitely add more hostility early on.
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI dont have much to comment on, I this this is really good. The ending is much better in this draft. It wraps up the story much better and the lesbians make more sense. However, I do see what Chris is saying about the lesbian gang showing up having no importance to their father's journey he sent them on. Maybe they have a message for them that they wanted to tell them earlier but the girls ran away. Something to tie them in would be my only critique.
I also like that in this draft (especially with the new ending) that it seemed like the father cared equally for both of the girls instead of feeling like he was a better father to Danielle.
This has really great moments. I can't wait to see it!
Thank you for cutting out that opening hospital scene. I am confused on how your script got longer though. It may be because a lot of your action reads almost like a book. Most of the direction you have in there can just be given to your actors by you and does not necessarily have to be in the script.
ReplyDeleteEveryone seemed to have to same notice in typos as I did, just a few minor changes here and there.
Funny addition of the ashes blowing back at them. Totally gross though.
I agree with Chris about the vast difference between Kate's happy-go-lucky attitude and Danielle's bitterness. Kate almost seems underdeveloped, she might need something like Danielle has with the pills.
The lesbian scene is a little too long for me. I think it's funny, but it doesn't do anything to help move the story along. You can keep it if you want, but 27 pages is a lot!
Everybody has stated what I pretty much already feel:
ReplyDelete-Lesbian Scene improved and seems more relevant
-The ashes blowing back at them is a cliche but you somewhat redeem it with the line "Well, Dad always did have a sense of humor" - funny
Finally, I wish there was something more to bond them together than simply the fact: 'Hey now they're spending time together!' I want some sort of discovery that I don't feel is there yet.
And then there is the exact same problem that I have with my script. Cut it shorter. There's a saying that a movie isn't too long unless if feels long. Your script felt long.
Hey Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI like your additions, I think your piece is a lot stronger than it was.
I particularly liked the ending, it caps of their journey well and ends on a sweet note. I also liked how you incorporated Girth and Dana into the ending.
Overall, I can see this story coming together nicely, although I do agree with some of the suggestions people have made. Like, developing Kate's character more, right now she seems like just a 'rub off character' of Danielle.
I reckon, if you made her more confrontational or somewhat more dimensional it would play for more drama and excitement. It might even make those moments when they do come together even stronger.
Good job!
I think Erica hit on what I wanted to say so far. This piece seems very melodramatic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, since it's very much about the characters and the characters are making the story, you have to be careful of how they reach the emotions they do. You'll have a lot of work on your hands on the directing side of this film.
ReplyDeleteI have to recommend watching "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" and watch the making of documentary. Sidney Lumet talks all about films that are very character driven. It's very interesting...
I, also, am concerned on how you plan on shooting all the driving sequences! I know you've probably put that on the back burner for now but since there's so much of it, I'd consider figuring that out sooner than later.
Overall great work, buddy.