You added the pills at the beginning which helps keep the issue on everyones mind.
Also, on page 9 Danielle says "it's not your fault" does she really mean it or is she just saying that? I feel like here she might be upset still at Kate. What do you mean on page 11 by "more animal life"? Also, on page 11 the dialog "so have any men in your life" "hah, nope. sick of boys. I need a man." doesn't sound very natural. Maybe Kate could say something like "so what's the boy situation?" or even just "so have any BOYS in your life?" so that the line "sick of boys" matches.
I like the jam out session they have in the car. That is definitely a bonding experience for girls. Also, I like the new scene where Danielle passes out. It's short, but it shows Kate's character a little better.
Is the image of their father an actual picture of the father, or the fathers ghost?
Pg1 - This is more of an opinion but the line "Check his vitals. We're losing him fast." I think you can just lose the Check his vitals portion of the line and just have "we're losing him fast". Mostly because the man is dying and all that beeping more or less shows his vitals. Any doctor would be monitoring the vitals. I don't know, that part of the line, I just didn't buy it.
Pg3 - With the letter the Dad writes. He just tells everything and basically lies out his whole plan in that statement, which is for the girls to get to know each other better. Judging from your goal of the script, which is, correct me if I'm wrong, for the girls to realize, oh, our Father wanted us to be closer. That line pretty much gives away the ending of the story. Maybe make his letter of intent more vague or you never have her hear her Father's voice over, but instead she finds out her step-sister also got a letter and that's how they end up on the trip together. Kinda forcing them both into a situation they don't like instead of making the main sister feel obligated into taking the step-sister.
Overall You're heading in the right direction. You're additions all managed to flesh out the characters a little more, but they still need work. The lesbian bar scene makes a lot more sense with them being very aggressive opposed to the last draft where it just seemed like the characters were afraid of gay people. You're gonna wanna read over it and tweaking dialogue, but it's an improvement from the last draft. You might even want to take this script and find someone you think can write and work on the story with them, let them take a crack at it, and just make revisions where they see fit and take it as you will. It's always nice to get two sets of eyes on something.
First off, thanks for bolding the changes :) I do have a question about the pills. Maybe I missed it but is there a significant reason why they are there? If so, i didn't catch it. It seemed almost like a filler to me; especially the part where danielle passes out so kate is rushing her to the hospital, but then danielle says everythings fine, and then it just... is like it never happened almost. I realize the story is about the two sisters finding each other and getting to know each other but it seems a tad random; maybe this is just me.. but there may be something else you can replace the pills with that might be a little better.. but its hard for me to figure out what at this point. i love where this is going! id love to help on your shoot
I still really like this script, I think it has great character interaction and dialogue, There is not much I can think of commenting on, but I do have to agree with Courtney, I don't really get the pill thing, and it doesn't say what type of pills they are. If the character was taking something like Oxycotin the meaning of taking the pills would be much different than if they were just Xanax or something. Chris did have a good point with removing the "check the vitals" line. If this man is about to die the medics will most likely be in a rush and using as less dialogue as possible.
Brittany, this is very good work. Pg. 6: toward the bottom " danielle and Kate sit in an awkward silence as boredom the boredom.." I think the first boredom should be taken out?
Pg. 8: " need an urn" very funny line. Dialogue overall is very honest, especially the monologue Danielle has. I like how she ends with numb. A lot of good changes were made. The scene with the security guards reminded me of a scene in desperate housewives with Lynette and Mrs. McKlusky. Very funny. I liked how you worked in the pills. It's not overdone, but works well.
Page 3: I think the addition of half isn't needed. The dad seems to want the sisters together, and by using 'half', it feels like he's enforcing the fact that they aren't really related which doesn't help his cause. Maybe throw in the fact that Kate's a half sister in the dialogue that follows the note between Danielle and her mom.
Page 8: First sentence after the INT. STORE isn't really a sentence. Something seems missing but I can't say what.
Page 22: Typo with "later"?
For general notes, I think that Danielle's freak out near the end could've been drawn out longer, or play out differently. I wondered why Danielle wouldn't just say they're good pills upfront. Maybe she starts off jokingly but as Kate keeps prodding her about the pills, she starts to get angrier? You could also make it a running pet peeve of Danielle's where Kate always tells her what to do so that when Kate says the line, I can believe that Danielle would snap at Kate.
Good improvement from the last draft. Overall it flows much better and their relationship develops in a much more realistic and believable way. A lot of the melodrama stuff that took me out a bit in the first draft is more or less gone as well, so good job with that.
With that said, there are still some moments that i think can be played out better/differently. Like Danielle's big freak-out at the end, I still think it ramped up way too fast. There needs to be more of a reason for her to get so pissed at Kate rather than Kate just telling her not to take her pills...maybe Kate decides to hide the pills from Danielle? Anything like that that could really set off Danielle to act as a release of all the built up emotion.
As for the pills themselves throughout your script, they work much better than the first draft as well. But I think you sitll need to either get either more specific about what they are/why she takes them other than just because it's her "way of dealing with it" or they need to be completely vague to the point where the audience/Kate isn't sure if it's a bad thing she's taking them or not. The way you have it now mixed with us finding out that Danielle is anemic at the end could possibly confuse some people, making them think that the two are connected. Or, maybe you make them connected, maybe the entire time what has seemed like a serious problem of Danielle's is actually her just taking medication/iron supplements? It's sort of a "twist" that maybe could work, maybe not.
Again, overall good work and good steps forward from the initial draft. Still keep an eye out for typos/incomplete sentences, that personally takes me out while I'm reading your script.
You added the pills at the beginning which helps keep the issue on everyones mind.
ReplyDeleteAlso, on page 9 Danielle says "it's not your fault" does she really mean it or is she just saying that? I feel like here she might be upset still at Kate.
What do you mean on page 11 by "more animal life"?
Also, on page 11 the dialog "so have any men in your life" "hah, nope. sick of boys. I need a man." doesn't sound very natural. Maybe Kate could say something like "so what's the boy situation?" or even just "so have any BOYS in your life?" so that the line "sick of boys" matches.
I like the jam out session they have in the car. That is definitely a bonding experience for girls.
Also, I like the new scene where Danielle passes out. It's short, but it shows Kate's character a little better.
Is the image of their father an actual picture of the father, or the fathers ghost?
Pg1 - This is more of an opinion but the line "Check his vitals. We're losing him fast." I think you can just lose the Check his vitals portion of the line and just have "we're losing him fast". Mostly because the man is dying and all that beeping more or less shows his vitals. Any doctor would be monitoring the vitals. I don't know, that part of the line, I just didn't buy it.
ReplyDeletePg3 - With the letter the Dad writes. He just tells everything and basically lies out his whole plan in that statement, which is for the girls to get to know each other better. Judging from your goal of the script, which is, correct me if I'm wrong, for the girls to realize, oh, our Father wanted us to be closer. That line pretty much gives away the ending of the story. Maybe make his letter of intent more vague or you never have her hear her Father's voice over, but instead she finds out her step-sister also got a letter and that's how they end up on the trip together. Kinda forcing them both into a situation they don't like instead of making the main sister feel obligated into taking the step-sister.
Overall
You're heading in the right direction. You're additions all managed to flesh out the characters a little more, but they still need work. The lesbian bar scene makes a lot more sense with them being very aggressive opposed to the last draft where it just seemed like the characters were afraid of gay people. You're gonna wanna read over it and tweaking dialogue, but it's an improvement from the last draft. You might even want to take this script and find someone you think can write and work on the story with them, let them take a crack at it, and just make revisions where they see fit and take it as you will. It's always nice to get two sets of eyes on something.
Hey brittany!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, thanks for bolding the changes :)
I do have a question about the pills. Maybe I missed it but is there a significant reason why they are there? If so, i didn't catch it. It seemed almost like a filler to me; especially the part where danielle passes out so kate is rushing her to the hospital, but then danielle says everythings fine, and then it just... is like it never happened almost. I realize the story is about the two sisters finding each other and getting to know each other but it seems a tad random; maybe this is just me.. but there may be something else you can replace the pills with that might be a little better.. but its hard for me to figure out what at this point. i love where this is going! id love to help on your shoot
I still really like this script, I think it has great character interaction and dialogue, There is not much I can think of commenting on, but I do have to agree with Courtney, I don't really get the pill thing, and it doesn't say what type of pills they are. If the character was taking something like Oxycotin the meaning of taking the pills would be much different than if they were just Xanax or something. Chris did have a good point with removing the "check the vitals" line. If this man is about to die the medics will most likely be in a rush and using as less dialogue as possible.
ReplyDeleteBrittany, this is very good work.
ReplyDeletePg. 6: toward the bottom " danielle and Kate sit in an awkward silence as boredom the boredom.." I think the first boredom should be taken out?
Pg. 8: " need an urn" very funny line.
Dialogue overall is very honest, especially the monologue Danielle has. I like how she ends with numb. A lot of good changes were made. The scene with the security guards reminded me of a scene in desperate housewives with Lynette and Mrs. McKlusky. Very funny. I liked how you worked in the pills. It's not overdone, but works well.
All in all, this is a good story.
Brittany I downloaded your doc and your pdf but I see only blank pages. Others are getting it but I do not know how! This saddens me.
ReplyDeleteLookin' good so far!
ReplyDeletePage 3: I think the addition of half isn't needed. The dad seems to want the sisters together, and by using 'half', it feels like he's enforcing the fact that they aren't really related which doesn't help his cause. Maybe throw in the fact that Kate's a half sister in the dialogue that follows the note between Danielle and her mom.
Page 8: First sentence after the INT. STORE isn't really a sentence. Something seems missing but I can't say what.
Page 22: Typo with "later"?
For general notes, I think that Danielle's freak out near the end could've been drawn out longer, or play out differently. I wondered why Danielle wouldn't just say they're good pills upfront. Maybe she starts off jokingly but as Kate keeps prodding her about the pills, she starts to get angrier? You could also make it a running pet peeve of Danielle's where Kate always tells her what to do so that when Kate says the line, I can believe that Danielle would snap at Kate.
Overall though, good stuff!
Good improvement from the last draft. Overall it flows much better and their relationship develops in a much more realistic and believable way. A lot of the melodrama stuff that took me out a bit in the first draft is more or less gone as well, so good job with that.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, there are still some moments that i think can be played out better/differently. Like Danielle's big freak-out at the end, I still think it ramped up way too fast. There needs to be more of a reason for her to get so pissed at Kate rather than Kate just telling her not to take her pills...maybe Kate decides to hide the pills from Danielle? Anything like that that could really set off Danielle to act as a release of all the built up emotion.
As for the pills themselves throughout your script, they work much better than the first draft as well. But I think you sitll need to either get either more specific about what they are/why she takes them other than just because it's her "way of dealing with it" or they need to be completely vague to the point where the audience/Kate isn't sure if it's a bad thing she's taking them or not. The way you have it now mixed with us finding out that Danielle is anemic at the end could possibly confuse some people, making them think that the two are connected. Or, maybe you make them connected, maybe the entire time what has seemed like a serious problem of Danielle's is actually her just taking medication/iron supplements? It's sort of a "twist" that maybe could work, maybe not.
Again, overall good work and good steps forward from the initial draft. Still keep an eye out for typos/incomplete sentences, that personally takes me out while I'm reading your script.