Hey Erica, Just took a look at your stuff... Here's what I got for ya!
I don’t know how I feel about the new title... When I first read it, I seriously thought about this story being changed into some gangster rap... don’t know why inspired the change?
One of the issues with this story that you know I have had was getting a clear, visual picture in my head about what exactly it was we would be seeing on screen... so your inclusion of the SHOTS really helped me buy this story more!
I liked the father's pipe smoke giving segway to the Lil Ghost "flashbacks/ ideas/ what-ifs"... pretty cool stuff!
For some reason, I felt like the character of the lil Ghost was much more emotional in this draft, and therefore I cared about him and what he was doing a lot more. I think the new scene with Little Ghost and his experience with Miss Coriander/ Sorrel really helped with this! He is now a “man on a mission” so to speak… and we understand why Miss Mint is so special to him.
The video clips for PUSHING DAISIES you provided in your journal really helped out (I don’t remember the links being in your last delivery cycle)… This film reminds me of a Roald Dahl story told through the eyes/ ears/ and mouth of Tim Burton. I knew the this film could be something special, but it was going to take a lot of work on your part to fully realize its potential… it looks like you are on the right track!
I'm assuming that new title was for kicks? Especially because you still have the same title as before within the actual script? It's funny, although if you're not joking I'm not sure if I agree with it haha.
So a really good thing I took away from this draft was that I'm able to see and understand your visual ideas/style both in a cinematic and production design sense more than ever before. There's some really ambitious stuff in there, but I know you will tackle it and make it awesome.
The main/new addition of the flashback including the two new teachers. Personally, I'm not sure about it. It's nice back story sure, and the narrator is entertaining there as usual, but you decided to veer into a 3pg flashback to explain that Little Ghost is worried that his gift won't be good enough and will cause him to lose Miss Mint? Even though that of course is an important plot point to get across, I don't think it should take what you guys wrote. I took me away from the current, main story and for a while I was thinking the script was going to go in a totally new direction. And maybe this is subjective, but going so in-depth for Little Ghost's affection for an entirely different teacher, Miss Coriander, devalued the affection I am supposed to believe he has for Miss Mint. In short, I feel like what you got across with this flashback can be done in a different and much simpler and effective way.
I know this script is so close to be really good as opposed to just good, and I think/hope there's some minor epiphany that's going to pop up that can enable you guys to get it there completely. Looking forward to more and discussing this one in class on Wednesday.
I always enjoyed this story and now with the new additions I see this being a great short film.
The new title doesn't bother me at all, its something new but it seems like something that Chris would say so I'm assuming he came to you with the change.
The new scene with the mean, rat-faced older teacher makes sense for me and made me care more about lil' ghosts mission.
Erica, I honestly can't think of anything to change. You and Chris have created something quite fun and the final project will be great!
the new title is just for laughts right? I like it either way!
I like the new addtions to your script. The flashback with mrs. coriander adds so much to this story. It helps the audience know that Little Ghost really wants to make the best present he can for mrs. mint. it really helps understanding his determination and perseverance for making the perfect gift. This was a good move. a really good move. Now, for this little guy it's like life and death. and that's big pressure for a seven year old! for page 11, the new show and tell scene is great. again because it shows that Little Ghost has to do so much to show his adoration. After he goes through all that, then we see the little boy yawn which is really funny. I would like to see the reaction of ms. mint. The pushing daisies clip is an awesome example! I would like to see some more visual examples though. Overall I really like the new additions that you made. In your journal you said you wanted the audience to understand what he's doing and why he's doing it and you accomplished that by adding what you added! Great job!
i too thought the title was kind of a joke.. was it? haha, im not sure if i like it. if you do want to go that route i suggest something with a british twang instead of gangsta if you know what i mean to go along with the narrator..
I realllly enjoyed the scene with miss coriander, though i dont believe the part with ms. sorrel is really all that necessary. if you are still looking for parts to chop out, i would say that is the one. plus it would be cute if we cut back to present right after miss coriander dies, and maybe little ghost, since hes so smitten with miss mint, is afraid that she will die soon too and that she needs to be given this gift before it happens. Anyway, I've really liked what you've done, good work!
Sweet, we're doing the Compton version of Little Ghost now I see. lol.
I have to agree with Nick about the flashback scene. I really like the back story it provides and it gives more insight as to why Little Ghost tries so hard with Ms. Mint. But I do think it goes on a bit to long. I also kind of got taken out of the story. I think finding a way to condense that scene would be perfect. Oh and, "would remain forever, once (should be one?) hundred and three."
Oh and I love all of your character's names. Mint, Coriander, Sorrel. Cute. ;)
So ya, you've got really good characters going. This new draft really makes me care more for Little Ghost (sorry, not gonna call him Lil Ghost. lol)
So I see you changed the title…not sure if I like that one. Are you going for something ghetto? That’s what the title reminds me of.haha little ghost in da hood!...lol
In you're film journal I do like that in the cinematography section you decided to keep a constant state of movement it will definitely make it seem very fairy tale like. I see you’re going to build the set. I think this can be awesome but I also see some bad parts about that, especially if things don’t come out quite right. You don’t want it to look too fake hopefully with the summer you’ll have plenty of time to build all of the scene’s sets. Are you also building the school scene set? I feel like the school should be an old one-room schoolhouse or something, which would be hard to find, but if you’re going to build it the school could turn out cute. Now with the added characters I like them I think its cute how you have the really old lady, but I don’t know if I like how she dies. Maybe some other way could flow more with the story.
I'm liking the feel of the whole thing. I keep imagining the narrator as Vincent Price! Overall the script reminds me of Winnie the Pooh and a whole lot of Tim Burton (maybe Madeline too?).
The changes really have wrapped up alot of concerns that people had. I think this is the best script version yet.
I think it could be made even more quirky by having some really outrageous visuals. One scene in particular would be the scene with the mother and the pies, and the father with the cuckoo clocks. Mom needs to have a bazillion pies around her, and same with dad and the clocks (just a thought, but they should all chime at the same time!)
I had a question about the last line in the script. What exactly is an X-Ray bubble?
I for one like the new/faux title! I can just hear Snoop Dogg narrating this movie now.
The script is looking pretty good. I really like the addition of the changing holidays. It helps give that certain magical feeling that these kinds of stories have. It also makes the pumpkin stickers more appropriate and seem less random.
The flashback works great for giving motivation to Ghost, but I agree with Nick about how it takes away from his adoration with Ms. Mint. Just tossing the idea out there, but what if Ms. Mint is the flashback teacher, and he gave her a present, but the next day she was out sick for a long period of time which brings in a substitute, Ms. Sorrel. That way, Ghost could also think his present is actually to blame for Mint getting sick.
One of the issues I had with his current motivation is that it's a bit of a stretch to think that he'd jump to the conclusion that Coriander didn't want to see his present and that's why she up and left.
I would agree that adding the Thanksgiving season makes the pumpkin stickers less random. Good idea.
The flashback is a good addition although I think its a bit too long. You could possibly even show Little Ghost having the mean Ms. Sorrel as a teacher the year before and she hated the presents he tried to give her and now he appreciates Ms. Mint enjoying all the gifts given to her by her students even though she must endure her unusual allergy. (By the way I like that you added unusual)You could cut out Ms Coriander all together.
I definitely think this is going to look great. It seems like you have a good idea of what you want out of it. Can't wait to see it.
So the flashback works for me but maybe its a bit too long, I felt my attention waning. However your new draft seems to be working so far and your narrator still cracks me up. I love it.
However the title better be a joke. It's horrible.
Nice joke with the title. You wanted to make sure we were all paying attention, right?
I am still gonna push for the radio instead of the TV. I can't tell you how much better it will work than the TV because it matches your theme, the stories era, and the fact that Little Ghost is very imaginative. I really think you should do it! do it! do it!
Pg 1- What purpose does the rubber bat play? Is it supposed to make Little Ghost seem more Halloweeney (I know that is not a real word)? What exactly do you mean by bat art?
Pg 2- You made the change that there are Halloween themed Cuckoo Clocks and Pies everywhere. Does that mean that his parents are into Halloween as much as Little Ghost? Are the like the Addams Family? Very creepy and mysterious.
Like the new addition of Miss Coriander. So sad that she dies by Taffy suffocation.
LOVE THE PUNS! I LOVE PUNS!
Pg 6-9 - I think the story of Miss Coriander is very well written. I like that Little Ghost is scared that he'll give Miss Mint the wrong gift, so then shouldn't it be for her birthday or something? Like her bday is Friday and so he works all week to make her the best gift. Then, come Friday, all the little kids give Miss Mint and apple or whatever.
Pg 11- Cute little mini recap with the dolls and the teachers. Little Ghost is always playing with something. I love it.
Pg 11- YOU HAVE THE KIDS PLAYING JACKS AND HOPSCOTCH!!!!! This is totally the era of the radio shows!!!
Pg 11-Not sure of the purpose of the Turtles with the story. Cute, but not necessarily needed in this short.
You have a great imagination. This was my first read though of the script and I had a very distinct picture in my head the entire read through.
Pg. 7 Narrator "...approaching her one hundred and fourth birthday, would remain forever, one hundred and three."
NEVER LOSE THAT LINE! It's my favorite line in the entire script, brilliant. I read it as the narrator from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" or "Pushing Daisies" I'm sure there's a better example but that's just the one that comes to mind.
I liked the mention of snog, the turtle but there's no other action or mention of him again. I think you could use him in a way that's relevant to the story. Otherwise, I'd take him out (or at least not give him a name) to make him seem somehow significant to the story.
I'm excited to see this one come to life. You have a very distinct style of storytelling that I like. Keep up the good work.
While reading this latest draft, it wasn't until page 8 that something bumped my eye... It's possible the THYME joke will not translate since the audience can't see the spelling of the word. Maybe an insert of the spice?
Also wanted to echo Jarrod about the "...approaching her one hundred and fourth birthday, would remain forever, one hundred and three." That is gorgeous writing whoever did that, Chris? Erica? Kudos!
I'm still concerned about the sticker transformation, but we've bugged you about it enough that I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it looks when you film it.
I feel like the turtles could be a fun little theme or something to play with, "coming out of your shell," "finding true turtle love," I dunno... As it is it's just kinda there. Also, how do you make turtles kiss? Do they do that?
Ending... Doesn't do much for me. I like the story a lot... It has OODLES of charm. I'd hate to see it flop over an ending that lacks punch. It feels like something's missing to give meaning to what little ghost goes through, or weight to the failure at the hands of his unwitting destructor, Miss Mint. I'll keep thinking but nothing is coming to mind. Sorry this is so late!
Hey Erica,
ReplyDeleteJust took a look at your stuff... Here's what I got for ya!
I don’t know how I feel about the new title... When I first read it, I seriously thought about this story being changed into some gangster rap... don’t know why inspired the change?
One of the issues with this story that you know I have had was getting a clear, visual picture in my head about what exactly it was we would be seeing on screen... so your inclusion of the SHOTS really helped me buy this story more!
I liked the father's pipe smoke giving segway to the Lil Ghost "flashbacks/ ideas/ what-ifs"... pretty cool stuff!
For some reason, I felt like the character of the lil Ghost was much more emotional in this draft, and therefore I cared about him and what he was doing a lot more. I think the new scene with Little Ghost and his experience with Miss Coriander/ Sorrel really helped with this! He is now a “man on a mission” so to speak… and we understand why Miss Mint is so special to him.
The video clips for PUSHING DAISIES you provided in your journal really helped out (I don’t remember the links being in your last delivery cycle)… This film reminds me of a Roald Dahl story told through the eyes/ ears/ and mouth of Tim Burton. I knew the this film could be something special, but it was going to take a lot of work on your part to fully realize its potential… it looks like you are on the right track!
Again. Writer. Commenting for the sake of commenting.
ReplyDeleteYO!
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that new title was for kicks? Especially because you still have the same title as before within the actual script? It's funny, although if you're not joking I'm not sure if I agree with it haha.
So a really good thing I took away from this draft was that I'm able to see and understand your visual ideas/style both in a cinematic and production design sense more than ever before. There's some really ambitious stuff in there, but I know you will tackle it and make it awesome.
The main/new addition of the flashback including the two new teachers. Personally, I'm not sure about it. It's nice back story sure, and the narrator is entertaining there as usual, but you decided to veer into a 3pg flashback to explain that Little Ghost is worried that his gift won't be good enough and will cause him to lose Miss Mint? Even though that of course is an important plot point to get across, I don't think it should take what you guys wrote. I took me away from the current, main story and for a while I was thinking the script was going to go in a totally new direction. And maybe this is subjective, but going so in-depth for Little Ghost's affection for an entirely different teacher, Miss Coriander, devalued the affection I am supposed to believe he has for Miss Mint. In short, I feel like what you got across with this flashback can be done in a different and much simpler and effective way.
I know this script is so close to be really good as opposed to just good, and I think/hope there's some minor epiphany that's going to pop up that can enable you guys to get it there completely. Looking forward to more and discussing this one in class on Wednesday.
Hey Erica,
ReplyDeleteI always enjoyed this story and now with the new additions I see this being a great short film.
The new title doesn't bother me at all, its something new but it seems like something that Chris would say so I'm assuming he came to you with the change.
The new scene with the mean, rat-faced older teacher makes sense for me and made me care more about lil' ghosts mission.
Erica, I honestly can't think of anything to change. You and Chris have created something quite fun and the final project will be great!
Yo! Yo! lol
ReplyDeletethe new title is just for laughts right? I like it either way!
I like the new addtions to your script. The flashback with mrs. coriander adds so much to this story. It helps the audience know that Little Ghost really wants to make the best present he can for mrs. mint. it really helps understanding his determination and perseverance for making the perfect gift. This was a good move. a really good move. Now, for this little guy it's like life and death. and that's big pressure for a seven year old!
for page 11, the new show and tell scene is great. again because it shows that Little Ghost has to do so much to show his adoration. After he goes through all that, then we see the little boy yawn which is really funny. I would like to see the reaction of ms. mint.
The pushing daisies clip is an awesome example! I would like to see some more visual examples though.
Overall I really like the new additions that you made. In your journal you said you wanted the audience to understand what he's doing and why he's doing it and you accomplished that by adding what you added! Great job!
p.s. Dr. Mazzella will be the chief of surgery in my next draft! lol
ReplyDeletehey erica,
ReplyDeletei too thought the title was kind of a joke.. was it? haha, im not sure if i like it. if you do want to go that route i suggest something with a british twang instead of gangsta if you know what i mean to go along with the narrator..
I realllly enjoyed the scene with miss coriander, though i dont believe the part with ms. sorrel is really all that necessary. if you are still looking for parts to chop out, i would say that is the one. plus it would be cute if we cut back to present right after miss coriander dies, and maybe little ghost, since hes so smitten with miss mint, is afraid that she will die soon too and that she needs to be given this gift before it happens. Anyway, I've really liked what you've done, good work!
Sweet, we're doing the Compton version of Little Ghost now I see. lol.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Nick about the flashback scene. I really like the back story it provides and it gives more insight as to why Little Ghost tries so hard with Ms. Mint. But I do think it goes on a bit to long. I also kind of got taken out of the story. I think finding a way to condense that scene would be perfect. Oh and, "would remain forever, once (should be one?) hundred and three."
Oh and I love all of your character's names. Mint, Coriander, Sorrel. Cute. ;)
So ya, you've got really good characters going. This new draft really makes me care more for Little Ghost (sorry, not gonna call him Lil Ghost. lol)
So I see you changed the title…not sure if I like that one. Are you going for something ghetto? That’s what the title reminds me of.haha little ghost in da hood!...lol
ReplyDeleteIn you're film journal I do like that in the cinematography section you decided to keep a constant state of movement it will definitely make it seem very fairy tale like. I see you’re going to build the set. I think this can be awesome but I also see some bad parts about that, especially if things don’t come out quite right. You don’t want it to look too fake hopefully with the summer you’ll have plenty of time to build all of the scene’s sets. Are you also building the school scene set? I feel like the school should be an old one-room schoolhouse or something, which would be hard to find, but if you’re going to build it the school could turn out cute. Now with the added characters I like them I think its cute how you have the really old lady, but I don’t know if I like how she dies. Maybe some other way could flow more with the story.
Erica!
ReplyDeleteI'm liking the feel of the whole thing. I keep imagining the narrator as Vincent Price! Overall the script reminds me of Winnie the Pooh and a whole lot of Tim Burton (maybe Madeline too?).
The changes really have wrapped up alot of concerns that people had. I think this is the best script version yet.
I think it could be made even more quirky by having some really outrageous visuals. One scene in particular would be the scene with the mother and the pies, and the father with the cuckoo clocks. Mom needs to have a bazillion pies around her, and same with dad and the clocks (just a thought, but they should all chime at the same time!)
I had a question about the last line in the script. What exactly is an X-Ray bubble?
By the way I might have a guy that would fit the narration perfectly. He's not British, but he could pull of the timing and style of voice you want...
ReplyDeleteI for one like the new/faux title! I can just hear Snoop Dogg narrating this movie now.
ReplyDeleteThe script is looking pretty good. I really like the addition of the changing holidays. It helps give that certain magical feeling that these kinds of stories have. It also makes the pumpkin stickers more appropriate and seem less random.
The flashback works great for giving motivation to Ghost, but I agree with Nick about how it takes away from his adoration with Ms. Mint. Just tossing the idea out there, but what if Ms. Mint is the flashback teacher, and he gave her a present, but the next day she was out sick for a long period of time which brings in a substitute, Ms. Sorrel. That way, Ghost could also think his present is actually to blame for Mint getting sick.
One of the issues I had with his current motivation is that it's a bit of a stretch to think that he'd jump to the conclusion that Coriander didn't want to see his present and that's why she up and left.
Though I really do like Miss Coriander's intro.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteI would agree that adding the Thanksgiving season makes the pumpkin stickers less random. Good idea.
The flashback is a good addition although I think its a bit too long. You could possibly even show Little Ghost having the mean Ms. Sorrel as a teacher the year before and she hated the presents he tried to give her and now he appreciates Ms. Mint enjoying all the gifts given to her by her students even though she must endure her unusual allergy. (By the way I like that you added unusual)You could cut out Ms Coriander all together.
I definitely think this is going to look great. It seems like you have a good idea of what you want out of it. Can't wait to see it.
-Danielle
So the flashback works for me but maybe its a bit too long, I felt my attention waning. However your new draft seems to be working so far and your narrator still cracks me up. I love it.
ReplyDeleteHowever the title better be a joke. It's horrible.
The End
Nice joke with the title. You wanted to make sure we were all paying attention, right?
ReplyDeleteI am still gonna push for the radio instead of the TV. I can't tell you how much better it will work than the TV because it matches your theme, the stories era, and the fact that Little Ghost is very imaginative. I really think you should do it! do it! do it!
Pg 1- What purpose does the rubber bat play? Is it supposed to make Little Ghost seem more Halloweeney (I know that is not a real word)? What exactly do you mean by bat art?
Pg 2- You made the change that there are Halloween themed Cuckoo Clocks and Pies everywhere. Does that mean that his parents are into Halloween as much as Little Ghost? Are the like the Addams Family? Very creepy and mysterious.
Like the new addition of Miss Coriander. So sad that she dies by Taffy suffocation.
LOVE THE PUNS! I LOVE PUNS!
Pg 6-9 - I think the story of Miss Coriander is very well written. I like that Little Ghost is scared that he'll give Miss Mint the wrong gift, so then shouldn't it be for her birthday or something? Like her bday is Friday and so he works all week to make her the best gift. Then, come Friday, all the little kids give Miss Mint and apple or whatever.
Pg 11- Cute little mini recap with the dolls and the teachers. Little Ghost is always playing with something. I love it.
Pg 11- YOU HAVE THE KIDS PLAYING JACKS AND HOPSCOTCH!!!!! This is totally the era of the radio shows!!!
Pg 11-Not sure of the purpose of the Turtles with the story. Cute, but not necessarily needed in this short.
The rest looks good.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteYou have a great imagination. This was my first read though of the script and I had a very distinct picture in my head the entire read through.
Pg. 7 Narrator "...approaching her one hundred and fourth birthday, would remain forever, one hundred and three."
NEVER LOSE THAT LINE! It's my favorite line in the entire script, brilliant. I read it as the narrator from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" or "Pushing Daisies" I'm sure there's a better example but that's just the one that comes to mind.
I liked the mention of snog, the turtle but there's no other action or mention of him again. I think you could use him in a way that's relevant to the story. Otherwise, I'd take him out (or at least not give him a name) to make him seem somehow significant to the story.
I'm excited to see this one come to life. You have a very distinct style of storytelling that I like. Keep up the good work.
sorry this is late, internet problems (lame i know)
ReplyDeletebut i figured I would still comment anyway
I really like the smoke fade through on page 4- I don know why but I really like it. Nicely done
I hope you have/can find a cuckoo clock because I know that they are quite expensive (just thinkin of the budget here)
also, I agree with Matt with the flashback being a little long. Maybe it will play out better on film but as of now, I think it needs to be shortened.
Overall I like the changes you made to it. Much better!!! No other comments really to change it!
O... AND YO
ERICA M.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this latest draft, it wasn't until page 8 that something bumped my eye... It's possible the THYME joke will not translate since the audience can't see the spelling of the word. Maybe an insert of the spice?
Also wanted to echo Jarrod about the "...approaching her one hundred and fourth birthday, would remain forever, one hundred and three." That is gorgeous writing whoever did that, Chris? Erica? Kudos!
I'm still concerned about the sticker transformation, but we've bugged you about it enough that I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it looks when you film it.
I feel like the turtles could be a fun little theme or something to play with, "coming out of your shell," "finding true turtle love," I dunno... As it is it's just kinda there. Also, how do you make turtles kiss? Do they do that?
Ending... Doesn't do much for me. I like the story a lot... It has OODLES of charm. I'd hate to see it flop over an ending that lacks punch. It feels like something's missing to give meaning to what little ghost goes through, or weight to the failure at the hands of his unwitting destructor, Miss Mint. I'll keep thinking but nothing is coming to mind. Sorry this is so late!