It's funny because even before I read your filmmaker's journal I was thinking that Abraham would be great for one of the younger doctors!
I like your story. I especially like the twist at the end how the doctor does not help his wife. That's an interesting new plot twist.
Do you have anything in mind for how to do the changes in time? Are you simply going to say "two years ealier" or will there be some other way that the audience will know? I love that we see the deterioration of the relationship a little bit at a time.
One question about all the different time stuff. Is the car crash part present day? You go from 'present day' and they have the argument about their anniversary, then 'six months earlier' the big argument about him never having time for her, then the car accident. The car accident doesn't say "present day" or anything else so is it also six months earlier? And if that's so, the present day argument about the anniversary doesn't really make sense. Unless I'm totally missing something which is very possible! ;)
lol Yea I'm going to go back and put present day at the beginning of the scenes that need it. The only flashbacks are the ones in the bedroom. Sorry for the confusion! Also, I didn't have him go to Jen's O.R. room because I don't think doctors are allowed to do surgery on people they know. So I wanted from the moment that Tom finds out (that Jen was the other driver)to the end of scene for him to go through Tonic Immobility (when people freeze in a crisis). Thanks for pointing that out!
Good story, I like the twist of the wife being the other victim. I was wondering how their story was going to play back in.
From a producers POV, it's going to be tough to get a hospital to shoot in and all the instruments required for this film. Do you have a connection in the medical field?
This was like an episode of ER, with the drama in the trauma room and at the doctors home. What role does Dr. Ryan play in this? Is he a friend of Dr. Lawrence?
There were a lot of words I didn't know how to pronounce so I commend you for your research on the extensive medical terms.
Your story does a good job of coming full circle and I like the non-linear structure intertwined with the present day situation.
Yeah, it looks like it’ll be a tough shoot in terms of locations, props and everything, but as far as the script goes, I really like it. I enjoyed the non-linear storytelling as well, but script wise, I did get lost as to what time we were in. Though it seems like the bedroom and the first/last flashback to past and present will be easy enough to distinguish in the actual short since the location will usually mean flashback.
Great job on the research as well, if you actually do know what you’re talking about, haha. I believed it in any case.
One thing, the line “He made a mistake,” doesn’t seem right to me just because it makes Ryan too sympathetic to the one who caused the accident. I know he’s being positive, but figured he’d be around so much death and what not that he wouldn’t excuse someone who had a choice to stop.
Ok, I think it would be interesting to show the scene of Jen in the hospital after or at the same time as we see that she's been hit by a car, otherwise the way it is now you know that it's her that got hit - and if you already know that it's her, then honestly you don't really care. I also think that maybe she shouldn't be so much pissed when she's at the hospital (because she's already done that) and be more just kind of sadly accepting, like she's a shell of a person now because this has been happening for so long but she loves him too much to leave. That way the audience might be guessing whether or not she had intentions of getting into or played any part in the car accident. Also, all of the doctors have only first names - intentional?
Wow Dominique this is going to be an intense shoot! Overall, I really enjoy how the story starts with the doctors voice over. I agree with Erica about the confrontation with the doctor and his wife when its their anniversary. I think it comes off stronger if she is more sadly accepting because I feel the audience will believe her more. Also the scene where the doctor comes home and he doesn't even realize that she is upset? I think it would be stronger if he actually sees her upset and they talk it over, maybe he even just holds her?
Other than that this definitely has some strong E.R. keys with the drama in the O.R. and the relationship issues at home. I look forward to your next deliverable. :)
- Emotional, definitely have tears in my eyes. I like how it starts with the voice over. Definitely ads a good kind of gloomy feel. There are a couple typos and I hope you did the research about the procedures that the doctors are talking about. I think the flashbacks work very well but I think they may get a little confusing. How are we going to be able to tell how far back in time we’re going? Are you going to age them differently or have text on the screen? The Interior bedroom evening scene on page 4 to 5 is a little bit scripted maybe lighten up the dialogue with more of a slang or some sort of informality to the dialogue, just so it does seem more playful and as if the two are close and in love. Then as the years change have them speak to each other more formally, coldly. When Dr. Ryan and Dr. Lawrence are operating on Robert and Dr. Taylor tells Tom about Jennifer does he stay there and close up Robert or does he just stand there? If he closes her up the next scene of what he says doesn’t exactly makes sense if he says he cared about her more. Maybe after Dr Ryan says Tom on page 13 Tom can finally realize what’s going on and run out? I understand that he’s loyal to his patients and is definitely different twist in the story but is extremely cruel. Which is maybe what you’re going for. Also at the end on page 14 when it says “Tom lets himself fall apart.” Is he crying or what is he doing? Maybe a better description of what’s going on instead of falls apart, that could mean a lot of things. Overall amazing script very heartbreaking and intense.
This is intense ! I do think Abraham would do a good job playing one of the doctors.
With that said, I think the dialogue could be tightened up, for example the first encounter between the doctors, when he says' Hello my wife' and she says 'hello my husband' I felt like it was forced to inform us of their relationship. I don't know if you were going for humor, but to me it felt a little forced.
On the other hand, towards the end I was hooked right in, especially when we find out that it is his wife that is in critical condition.
I'm looking forward to hearing about how you plan to film this! Great start.
D1 √ 1ST DRAFT 1; intriguing open 4; "JENNIFER LAWRENCE Last time we went there, you had pretty bad gas during the night." -kind of an odd joke; doesn't feel in keeping with the tone of the piece 4; "...number of mahcines" typo 11; overall i like the dialogue in this, but when Jen says "You." it feels melodramatic and on the nose and not believable general: there is some very good writing here; good dialogue; but something concerns me about the story structure; maybe we need the problems with the wife set up earlier; also, i think the audience will see the surprise (that Jen is the victim) coming; this isn't good; but i think it's a storytelling/structural thing, not a story idea issue; the idea that a doctor is doing surgery on the man who just killed his wife is pretty compelling. let's discuss with the class; also, i'm concerned i'm not seeing enough story evolution, a series of events that unfolds, one leading to another in a causal way, in a way to progresses (i.e. things get more complicated or jeopardy for main character gets more and more dire). also, main character doesn't have a clear goal laid out at the start of the film; it's pretty amorphous; he wants to be a good doctor; consider this: is it more interesting to watch someone try to become a rock star or to watch someone try to get on the cover of rolling stone?
FJ Theme is kinda coming through; i'm getting it intellectually; i know that's what you want the film to be about; but i'm not feeling it yet i think you need to set up his "workaholism" more at the top of the piece; that will help clarify what is driving him not sure about the vo yet. it's a bit much; let's discuss with class good correlation to Click
It's funny because even before I read your filmmaker's journal I was thinking that Abraham would be great for one of the younger doctors!
ReplyDeleteI like your story. I especially like the twist at the end how the doctor does not help his wife. That's an interesting new plot twist.
Do you have anything in mind for how to do the changes in time? Are you simply going to say "two years ealier" or will there be some other way that the audience will know? I love that we see the deterioration of the relationship a little bit at a time.
One question about all the different time stuff. Is the car crash part present day? You go from 'present day' and they have the argument about their anniversary, then 'six months earlier' the big argument about him never having time for her, then the car accident. The car accident doesn't say "present day" or anything else so is it also six months earlier? And if that's so, the present day argument about the anniversary doesn't really make sense. Unless I'm totally missing something which is very possible! ;)
But good job so far!
lol Yea I'm going to go back and put present day at the beginning of the scenes that need it. The only flashbacks are the ones in the bedroom. Sorry for the confusion! Also, I didn't have him go to Jen's O.R. room because I don't think doctors are allowed to do surgery on people they know. So I wanted from the moment that Tom finds out (that Jen was the other driver)to the end of scene for him to go through Tonic Immobility (when people freeze in a crisis). Thanks for pointing that out!
ReplyDeleteGood story, I like the twist of the wife being the other victim. I was wondering how their story was going to play back in.
ReplyDeleteFrom a producers POV, it's going to be tough to get a hospital to shoot in and all the instruments required for this film. Do you have a connection in the medical field?
This was like an episode of ER, with the drama in the trauma room and at the doctors home. What role does Dr. Ryan play in this? Is he a friend of Dr. Lawrence?
There were a lot of words I didn't know how to pronounce so I commend you for your research on the extensive medical terms.
Your story does a good job of coming full circle and I like the non-linear structure intertwined with the present day situation.
Yeah, it looks like it’ll be a tough shoot in terms of locations, props and everything, but as far as the script goes, I really like it. I enjoyed the non-linear storytelling as well, but script wise, I did get lost as to what time we were in. Though it seems like the bedroom and the first/last flashback to past and present will be easy enough to distinguish in the actual short since the location will usually mean flashback.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the research as well, if you actually do know what you’re talking about, haha. I believed it in any case.
One thing, the line “He made a mistake,” doesn’t seem right to me just because it makes Ryan too sympathetic to the one who caused the accident. I know he’s being positive, but figured he’d be around so much death and what not that he wouldn’t excuse someone who had a choice to stop.
Ok, I think it would be interesting to show the scene of Jen in the hospital after or at the same time as we see that she's been hit by a car, otherwise the way it is now you know that it's her that got hit - and if you already know that it's her, then honestly you don't really care. I also think that maybe she shouldn't be so much pissed when she's at the hospital (because she's already done that) and be more just kind of sadly accepting, like she's a shell of a person now because this has been happening for so long but she loves him too much to leave. That way the audience might be guessing whether or not she had intentions of getting into or played any part in the car accident. Also, all of the doctors have only first names - intentional?
ReplyDeleteWow Dominique this is going to be an intense shoot! Overall, I really enjoy how the story starts with the doctors voice over. I agree with Erica about the confrontation with the doctor and his wife when its their anniversary. I think it comes off stronger if she is more sadly accepting because I feel the audience will believe her more. Also the scene where the doctor comes home and he doesn't even realize that she is upset? I think it would be stronger if he actually sees her upset and they talk it over, maybe he even just holds her?
ReplyDeleteOther than that this definitely has some strong E.R. keys with the drama in the O.R. and the relationship issues at home. I look forward to your next deliverable. :)
- Emotional, definitely have tears in my eyes. I like how it starts with the voice over. Definitely ads a good kind of gloomy feel. There are a couple typos and I hope you did the research about the procedures that the doctors are talking about. I think the flashbacks work very well but I think they may get a little confusing. How are we going to be able to tell how far back in time we’re going? Are you going to age them differently or have text on the screen? The Interior bedroom evening scene on page 4 to 5 is a little bit scripted maybe lighten up the dialogue with more of a slang or some sort of informality to the dialogue, just so it does seem more playful and as if the two are close and in love. Then as the years change have them speak to each other more formally, coldly. When Dr. Ryan and Dr. Lawrence are operating on Robert and Dr. Taylor tells Tom about Jennifer does he stay there and close up Robert or does he just stand there? If he closes her up the next scene of what he says doesn’t exactly makes sense if he says he cared about her more. Maybe after Dr Ryan says Tom on page 13 Tom can finally realize what’s going on and run out? I understand that he’s loyal to his patients and is definitely different twist in the story but is extremely cruel. Which is maybe what you’re going for. Also at the end on page 14 when it says “Tom lets himself fall apart.” Is he crying or what is he doing? Maybe a better description of what’s going on instead of falls apart, that could mean a lot of things. Overall amazing script very heartbreaking and intense.
ReplyDeleteDom,
ReplyDeleteThis is intense ! I do think Abraham would do a good job playing one of the doctors.
With that said, I think the dialogue could be tightened up, for example the first encounter between the doctors, when he says' Hello my wife' and she says 'hello my husband' I felt like it was forced to inform us of their relationship. I don't know if you were going for humor, but to me it felt a little forced.
On the other hand, towards the end I was hooked right in, especially when we find out that it is his wife that is in critical condition.
I'm looking forward to hearing about how you plan to film this! Great start.
D1 √
ReplyDelete1ST DRAFT
1; intriguing open
4; "JENNIFER LAWRENCE Last time we went there, you had pretty bad gas during the night."
-kind of an odd joke; doesn't feel in keeping with the tone of the piece
4; "...number of mahcines" typo
11; overall i like the dialogue in this, but when Jen says "You." it feels melodramatic and on the nose and not believable
general: there is some very good writing here; good dialogue; but something concerns me about the story structure; maybe we need the problems with the wife set up earlier; also, i think the audience will see the surprise (that Jen is the victim) coming; this isn't good; but i think it's a storytelling/structural thing, not a story idea issue; the idea that a doctor is doing surgery on the man who just killed his wife is pretty compelling. let's discuss with the class; also, i'm concerned i'm not seeing enough story evolution, a series of events that unfolds, one leading to another in a causal way, in a way to progresses (i.e. things get more complicated or jeopardy for main character gets more and more dire). also, main character doesn't have a clear goal laid out at the start of the film; it's pretty amorphous; he wants to be a good doctor; consider this: is it more interesting to watch someone try to become a rock star or to watch someone try to get on the cover of rolling stone?
FJ
Theme is kinda coming through; i'm getting it intellectually; i know that's what you want the film to be about; but i'm not feeling it yet
i think you need to set up his "workaholism" more at the top of the piece; that will help clarify what is driving him
not sure about the vo yet. it's a bit much; let's discuss with class
good correlation to Click