Hey Nikki, Just finished looking over your newest draft and updated Journal... every time I download your work I just see "Hippo" (My download menu screen is small, so the rest of "Hippocratic..." is cut off), and I think I am about to read some animated tale about a Hippopotamus... and am then disappointed.
I didn’t see any real major changes in this newest draft of the script (which is also what I imagine is your final draft?)... Just minor rewrites/ spelling corrections/ etc. here n there. The biggest thing was your inclusion of the Milani's, and I was curious if you could explain why that was?
As for your journal, I only really noticed your recent addition of pictures. While it may of seemed pretty straightforward with your script, I still had some issues picturing who the characters were exactly and I got this soap-opera’ish vision in my head… your journal really helped clarify the feeling/ look/ style you are going for (ER was a great show for the first few years). While looking at the Production Design part of the journal, I realized that you don’t really know where you are going to film this thing… have you ever thought about using the ASU Communication Building? It is an old hospital from the 50’s, and it is virtually vacant (off of Curry & Mill’ish)… LaMont’s old office used to be in there, and he could probably help you out with getting to shoot in there.
pg 14 - Roth AND Ramirez...I hope you know I'm expecting to see a Dr. Mazzella in the next draft
I particularly like this Greg Laswell song - I think it hits your film's mood spot on. I'm wondering though, you talk about the songs like they are the ones you'll be using in the film? You're not actually planning on using these specific songs are you? Just ones that are similar right? I mean...copyright...unless you have a way to get the rights.
So not too many changes to discuss here, there were some decent minor changes like Jen's eyes opening for a quick moment there, should get the audience a little more on edge at your film's climax.
I know you've heard this before in past deliverables but I'm still getting a lot of melodrama out of some of these lines. You haven't changed much of them so if this is what you're stickin' with then go for it, just cast some good actors and work well with em! Although, I suppose that's a given for all of us regardless haha
I will try my hardest to remember to ask you this in person on Wednesday because I know I wrote this last time, but are the last lines of dialogue a VO (you wrote CONT'D but no VO) or is this live dialogue? Or, is it both, starting with one and transitioning to the other? My only concern is if the entire thing was live, cause I think that would be pushing it in terms of the already heavy drama.
First off I apologize for not giving you enough feedback, I have read your script a number of times and I'm always unsure what to say.
Although, I think I know why I haven't commented on your script in the past. It's very sad...and at times too much for me. It may be a little melodramatic at times, but I think its the way you end this story that makes me so unsure what to say.
As an audience member I am left feeling empty and melancholy at the end of this. The fact that he is punished for his job (which is a very important one) bothers me a great deal, it could be a personal issue, but I'm interested in what other people think about this.
I read part of your diary and you said you wanted people to feel "grateful" for what they have after watching this, but I am only saddened. Like I say I could be the only one that thinks this, but it feels too dark.
However, with my sentiments aside, your script flowed much better and your additions were good. I really had a sense of the characters this time and although I still think the medical jargon is a bit much, it does seem very real and it does hit my nerves.
I really liked that you described how you wanted you’re cinematic look to be cramped. That’s definitely how I feel ER’s are like however, do you want to put that throughout the whole film the cramped look? I see for each scene you have different feels you’re going to go for but are you still going to keep it tight shots? Looking at what you’re characters are wearing I like how Toms clothes get stricter but I think Jen’s should stay the same but maybe a little less color in her clothes showing her loss of happiness in the relationship. You added the part where it says 9 hours earlier. Are you adding that to the film or just for the script? I like the added part about staples vs. sowing builds some good character. From reading now I get a feeling that you actually researched dialogues that would happen in crisis situations at an OR.
I do think Dominic makes a good point. Grateful is not exactly when I'm feeling at the end of this story. Grateful implies a somewhat upbeat tone. There's really nothing upbeat about the ending. And yes, some parts get a little melodramatic. In the beginning when all the doctors are talking to the Milani's I get that soap opera vibe. Things like when Milani says "But I can fight this. I know I can. What I can’t take is hospital beds, and hospital food...." It's a little too much I think. I mean depending on the actor's skill it could work. But it's just not working for me here. Also, toward the end of that scene I'm not in love with the fact that it's this long, serious, melodramatic conversation with Milani and then all of the sudden the two doctors are smiling because they'll get to do the operation. I understand why that's in there but that makes me dislike the characters a bit. Maybe if they left the room and then smiled it would be better. But here they just come off as being very cold. I know you have to show that Dr. Lawrence cares about his job more than anything, but if the viewer doesn't like his character than they're not gonna really care about his loss.
Oh and on a technical note, I'm a little thrown off when Dr. Ryan starts doing CPR on Milani. Because they just cut open his abdomen. I don't think he'd be able to do CPR with his stomach and/or chest cut open. Not that I'm a doctor or anything! ;)
script is lookin really nice, i have to disagree with all the people saying the script seems melodramatic, i actually think the dialogue is very believable. It does sound how people would really speak. Especially if Mr. milani is really close with these doctors i think the dialogue would work. It actually just goes to show how close these guys are.
i gotta agree with sandra though with the scene when the doctors find out that they will be doing the operation with taylor and they are smiling about it in front of milani, i agree that they should wait until they get out of the room, or just express their enthusiasm in words. (outside of the room of course). things are looking awesome. I would love to work on your capstone, let me know if i can help!
I like this piece, I don't have much criticism to give. I remember people saying last class to make the dialogue less technical, I didn't really think that it was necessary, they are doctors, that is how they talk.
Well this is my first time reading this script and I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. To not totally reiterate what people have already said I will try to keep it fresh.
You may have already done this, but I think it would be wise to have experienced doctors read this and give you input on this realism in an ER and in these situations.
Secondly, yes its melodramatic, but it is an extremely dramatic situation. Downplaying the drama may downplay the stakes you are trying to set here and I disagree with that philosophy. If you want to keep it from being soapy then you need to work with your actors in NOT overacting. The dialogue speaks for itself, we don't need over the top performances here.
Thirdly, great work. I'm excited to see how this turns out, and I hope you pull it off because you definitely have a challenge here conceptually.
I really don't have many comments for you on this revision. It really has come along nicely. It reminds me a lot of something you would see on Grey's anatomy. Maybe something from one of their soundtracks will also inspire you, the music they choose is strangely good.
I would agree with Matt about the melodrama. The dialogue is good, it all depends on the performances for this one.
What I get from this piece is to not take the people or relationships in your life for granted. It is the ultimate circumstance for the workaholic and it shows the consequence of choosing work above those you love. I'm not sure if this is what you are going for, but it is my interpretation. Good work!
Definitely a good script with a lot of work ahead of you. Not much to say as the script hasn't changed much.
I agree with Dominic that it's a real heavy drama, and a part of me wishes there were more good moments in the film, but without making it longer, I think you have what's necessary to tell the story you want to tell. It seems too easy to go the happy ending route, which would be Jen living, but at the same time, if it's a route you'd rather take, it's an easy fix.
To be honest, there really wasn't much changed in this script from the last one, other than adding that bit of character development I think the previous drafts were missing. It's going to be a difficult piece to shoot, but if you pull it off I think you'll achieve something pretty powerful. The characters are intriguing and I think I understand them more and have more of a personal relation to them.
Pg 3- typo Dr. Lawrence says "Well I'm pleased to head that." Head should be hear.
Pg 3- I think Dr. Ryan should say "Positive thinking equals positive results" instead of answers.
Pg 19- Is Dr Lawrence's last lines in a VO? Make sure you not that if they are.
I think I had asked this before, but do you have access to a hospital? There are A LOT of props required here that could take a long time, such as the chest/abdomen of Mr. Milani. This film will be great just make sure you focus on set design, props, make-up, and actors! They will make this movie feel realistic and help drive home the emotion you have in your characters.
I didn't say it the last draft but thanks for using my last name in there. Even if it was unintentional, I was excited! Dr. Ryan does have a nice ring to it :)
So like everyone is saying there are some minor changes to the script. The changes and additions work and help the story flow better.
I'm gonna agree with Matt, that yes this is coming off melodramatic but the situations in this are very dramatic and intense. It's all going to come down with finding great actors and really working out some of these lines because the visuals that the audience will see are going to have a large impact on our caring for these characters.
Just make sure you find actors through all possible outlets here in the valley, going to agencies and the more respected actor databases.
You are setting the bar for yourself with this piece and with the right location and set of actors this can be a compelling story. If you need help when coming to shooting be sure to keep all of us in the loop so we can do our best to help you achieve your vision!
This is the first time I've read through your script so I apologize if this has been addressed (also I haven't had time to go through other people's post so bear with me).
Overall I thought the dialogue was very well written. The first half of the script had be riveted. It lost me when it got into the struggling relationship between Thomas Lawrence and Jennifer. The entire first half seemed more like a setup for how hard the day to day of a doctor can be but then I felt like it was a huge turn when it stopped at the death of the patient and focused on the doc's marriage. My biggest critique would be that the script should focus on one or the other. Since it's short film format, I don't know if there's enough time to establish both dynamics and fully flesh out those relationships.
You're going to need some damn good actors/actresses for these roles. This IS melodrama so I feel like the characters are what's important over the story. If the acting is sub-par, that distraction may be enough to take the audience out of the story.
That being said I wasn't a fan of the final monologue. It felt preachy and forced. I think the final message should be shortened up and less melodramatic.
But great work! I really look forward to seeing this progress. You have a great script here and it seems like you've done quite a bit of research to make these characters believable. Keep it up!
I like the script, very melodramatic, but what hospital movie isn't? personally i would keep the script as is right now, and focus more on pre-production. As good as the script is, i cant help in the back of my mind thinking how hard it is going to be to find a believable location, equip, props, special effects ext. do you know someone in the field that can hook you up somehow, because my only other suggestion would be to cut some of the "intense hospital scenes" but that would be counter productive because that is virtually where ALL of your drama is coming from so i really hope you dont have to do that....Good Luck!!
SO... sorry this is so late. Major internet issues. Now that I'm on campus I can finally post!
I agree with pretty much what everyone has said above! I really like the dialogue and think it flows well. All the changes made are for the better. The argument of how it is still melodramatic- i disagree. I think it needs to be. Medical shows/shorts/etc are always serious just like this so I think you are good!
Hey Nikki,
ReplyDeleteJust finished looking over your newest draft and updated Journal... every time I download your work I just see "Hippo" (My download menu screen is small, so the rest of "Hippocratic..." is cut off), and I think I am about to read some animated tale about a Hippopotamus... and am then disappointed.
I didn’t see any real major changes in this newest draft of the script (which is also what I imagine is your final draft?)... Just minor rewrites/ spelling corrections/ etc. here n there. The biggest thing was your inclusion of the Milani's, and I was curious if you could explain why that was?
As for your journal, I only really noticed your recent addition of pictures. While it may of seemed pretty straightforward with your script, I still had some issues picturing who the characters were exactly and I got this soap-opera’ish vision in my head… your journal really helped clarify the feeling/ look/ style you are going for (ER was a great show for the first few years). While looking at the Production Design part of the journal, I realized that you don’t really know where you are going to film this thing… have you ever thought about using the ASU Communication Building? It is an old hospital from the 50’s, and it is virtually vacant (off of Curry & Mill’ish)… LaMont’s old office used to be in there, and he could probably help you out with getting to shoot in there.
Good Job!
pg 4 - Nice addition of layman's terms.
ReplyDeletepg 14 - Roth AND Ramirez...I hope you know I'm expecting to see a Dr. Mazzella in the next draft
I particularly like this Greg Laswell song - I think it hits your film's mood spot on. I'm wondering though, you talk about the songs like they are the ones you'll be using in the film? You're not actually planning on using these specific songs are you? Just ones that are similar right? I mean...copyright...unless you have a way to get the rights.
So not too many changes to discuss here, there were some decent minor changes like Jen's eyes opening for a quick moment there, should get the audience a little more on edge at your film's climax.
ReplyDeleteI know you've heard this before in past deliverables but I'm still getting a lot of melodrama out of some of these lines. You haven't changed much of them so if this is what you're stickin' with then go for it, just cast some good actors and work well with em! Although, I suppose that's a given for all of us regardless haha
I will try my hardest to remember to ask you this in person on Wednesday because I know I wrote this last time, but are the last lines of dialogue a VO (you wrote CONT'D but no VO) or is this live dialogue? Or, is it both, starting with one and transitioning to the other? My only concern is if the entire thing was live, cause I think that would be pushing it in terms of the already heavy drama.
Hey Nikki,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I apologize for not giving you enough feedback, I have read your script a number of times and I'm always unsure what to say.
Although, I think I know why I haven't commented on your script in the past. It's very sad...and at times too much for me. It may be a little melodramatic at times, but I think its the way you end this story that makes me so unsure what to say.
As an audience member I am left feeling empty and melancholy at the end of this. The fact that he is punished for his job (which is a very important one) bothers me a great deal, it could be a personal issue, but I'm interested in what other people think about this.
I read part of your diary and you said you wanted people to feel "grateful" for what they have after watching this, but I am only saddened. Like I say I could be the only one that thinks this, but it feels too dark.
However, with my sentiments aside, your script flowed much better and your additions were good. I really had a sense of the characters this time and although I still think the medical jargon is a bit much, it does seem very real and it does hit my nerves.
Good Job,
I really liked that you described how you wanted you’re cinematic look to be cramped. That’s definitely how I feel ER’s are like however, do you want to put that throughout the whole film the cramped look? I see for each scene you have different feels you’re going to go for but are you still going to keep it tight shots? Looking at what you’re characters are wearing I like how Toms clothes get stricter but I think Jen’s should stay the same but maybe a little less color in her clothes showing her loss of happiness in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteYou added the part where it says 9 hours earlier. Are you adding that to the film or just for the script? I like the added part about staples vs. sowing builds some good character. From reading now I get a feeling that you actually researched dialogues that would happen in crisis situations at an OR.
Hey Niki!!
ReplyDeleteI do think Dominic makes a good point. Grateful is not exactly when I'm feeling at the end of this story. Grateful implies a somewhat upbeat tone. There's really nothing upbeat about the ending. And yes, some parts get a little melodramatic. In the beginning when all the doctors are talking to the Milani's I get that soap opera vibe. Things like when Milani says "But I can fight this. I know I can.
What I can’t take is hospital beds, and hospital food...." It's a little too much I think. I mean depending on the actor's skill it could work. But it's just not working for me here. Also, toward the end of that scene I'm not in love with the fact that it's this long, serious, melodramatic conversation with Milani and then all of the sudden the two doctors are smiling because they'll get to do the operation. I understand why that's in there but that makes me dislike the characters a bit. Maybe if they left the room and then smiled it would be better. But here they just come off as being very cold. I know you have to show that Dr. Lawrence cares about his job more than anything, but if the viewer doesn't like his character than they're not gonna really care about his loss.
Oh and on a technical note, I'm a little thrown off when Dr. Ryan starts doing CPR on Milani. Because they just cut open his abdomen. I don't think he'd be able to do CPR with his stomach and/or chest cut open. Not that I'm a doctor or anything! ;)
Good work though!
hey niki,
ReplyDeletescript is lookin really nice, i have to disagree with all the people saying the script seems melodramatic, i actually think the dialogue is very believable. It does sound how people would really speak. Especially if Mr. milani is really close with these doctors i think the dialogue would work. It actually just goes to show how close these guys are.
i gotta agree with sandra though with the scene when the doctors find out that they will be doing the operation with taylor and they are smiling about it in front of milani, i agree that they should wait until they get out of the room, or just express their enthusiasm in words. (outside of the room of course). things are looking awesome. I would love to work on your capstone, let me know if i can help!
I like this piece, I don't have much criticism to give. I remember people saying last class to make the dialogue less technical, I didn't really think that it was necessary, they are doctors, that is how they talk.
ReplyDeleteHi Niki,
ReplyDeleteWell this is my first time reading this script and I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. To not totally reiterate what people have already said I will try to keep it fresh.
You may have already done this, but I think it would be wise to have experienced doctors read this and give you input on this realism in an ER and in these situations.
Secondly, yes its melodramatic, but it is an extremely dramatic situation. Downplaying the drama may downplay the stakes you are trying to set here and I disagree with that philosophy. If you want to keep it from being soapy then you need to work with your actors in NOT overacting. The dialogue speaks for itself, we don't need over the top performances here.
Thirdly, great work. I'm excited to see how this turns out, and I hope you pull it off because you definitely have a challenge here conceptually.
I really don't have many comments for you on this revision. It really has come along nicely. It reminds me a lot of something you would see on Grey's anatomy. Maybe something from one of their soundtracks will also inspire you, the music they choose is strangely good.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with Matt about the melodrama. The dialogue is good, it all depends on the performances for this one.
What I get from this piece is to not take the people or relationships in your life for granted. It is the ultimate circumstance for the workaholic and it shows the consequence of choosing work above those you love. I'm not sure if this is what you are going for, but it is my interpretation. Good work!
-Danielle
Definitely a good script with a lot of work ahead of you. Not much to say as the script hasn't changed much.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Dominic that it's a real heavy drama, and a part of me wishes there were more good moments in the film, but without making it longer, I think you have what's necessary to tell the story you want to tell. It seems too easy to go the happy ending route, which would be Jen living, but at the same time, if it's a route you'd rather take, it's an easy fix.
To be honest, there really wasn't much changed in this script from the last one, other than adding that bit of character development I think the previous drafts were missing. It's going to be a difficult piece to shoot, but if you pull it off I think you'll achieve something pretty powerful. The characters are intriguing and I think I understand them more and have more of a personal relation to them.
ReplyDeletePg 3- typo Dr. Lawrence says "Well I'm pleased to head that." Head should be hear.
ReplyDeletePg 3- I think Dr. Ryan should say "Positive thinking equals positive results" instead of answers.
Pg 19- Is Dr Lawrence's last lines in a VO? Make sure you not that if they are.
I think I had asked this before, but do you have access to a hospital? There are A LOT of props required here that could take a long time, such as the chest/abdomen of Mr. Milani. This film will be great just make sure you focus on set design, props, make-up, and actors! They will make this movie feel realistic and help drive home the emotion you have in your characters.
I didn't say it the last draft but thanks for using my last name in there. Even if it was unintentional, I was excited! Dr. Ryan does have a nice ring to it :)
Hey Niki,
ReplyDeleteSo like everyone is saying there are some minor changes to the script. The changes and additions work and help the story flow better.
I'm gonna agree with Matt, that yes this is coming off melodramatic but the situations in this are very dramatic and intense. It's all going to come down with finding great actors and really working out some of these lines because the visuals that the audience will see are going to have a large impact on our caring for these characters.
Just make sure you find actors through all possible outlets here in the valley, going to agencies and the more respected actor databases.
You are setting the bar for yourself with this piece and with the right location and set of actors this can be a compelling story. If you need help when coming to shooting be sure to keep all of us in the loop so we can do our best to help you achieve your vision!
This is the first time I've read through your script so I apologize if this has been addressed (also I haven't had time to go through other people's post so bear with me).
ReplyDeleteOverall I thought the dialogue was very well written. The first half of the script had be riveted. It lost me when it got into the struggling relationship between Thomas Lawrence and Jennifer. The entire first half seemed more like a setup for how hard the day to day of a doctor can be but then I felt like it was a huge turn when it stopped at the death of the patient and focused on the doc's marriage. My biggest critique would be that the script should focus on one or the other. Since it's short film format, I don't know if there's enough time to establish both dynamics and fully flesh out those relationships.
You're going to need some damn good actors/actresses for these roles. This IS melodrama so I feel like the characters are what's important over the story. If the acting is sub-par, that distraction may be enough to take the audience out of the story.
That being said I wasn't a fan of the final monologue. It felt preachy and forced. I think the final message should be shortened up and less melodramatic.
But great work! I really look forward to seeing this progress. You have a great script here and it seems like you've done quite a bit of research to make these characters believable. Keep it up!
By the way, this is Jarrod Bruner. Can't get my name to pop up arrrgggg...
ReplyDeleteI like the script, very melodramatic, but what hospital movie isn't? personally i would keep the script as is right now, and focus more on pre-production. As good as the script is, i cant help in the back of my mind thinking how hard it is going to be to find a believable location, equip, props, special effects ext. do you know someone in the field that can hook you up somehow, because my only other suggestion would be to cut some of the "intense hospital scenes" but that would be counter productive because that is virtually where ALL of your drama is coming from so i really hope you dont have to do that....Good Luck!!
ReplyDeleteSO... sorry this is so late. Major internet issues. Now that I'm on campus I can finally post!
ReplyDeleteI agree with pretty much what everyone has said above! I really like the dialogue and think it flows well. All the changes made are for the better. The argument of how it is still melodramatic- i disagree. I think it needs to be. Medical shows/shorts/etc are always serious just like this so I think you are good!
Other than that, good job!!!!!!