SCRIPT 2; I really like how the picture is in the back of the picture frame, but it's a bit odd that it's in the picture in his room. Did he put it there? Does she already know about it? A bit unclear. 5; I like how you bring them together a lot. But Kate's dialogue makes her seem like a bit of a boob. She can be super nice and still sensitive to what's happening around her 8; did they leave a car behind? did i miss something? 13; seems odd that Kate would want to race after being called a bitch 14; "tho" ??? spelling, please! 19; what is "She had something in her hair." about? Did I miss something again? 21; ..."iron in me body" in my body GENERAL: I like the general set up of this a lot. But it does fee like you're cramming too much story into too little time and, as a result, attempts to get them to bond, feel inorganic. i see spots where they are supposed be bonding, but I'm not feeling them come together. I think this is the most important idea that you ned to address. Let's discuss.
JOURNAL Seems like you skipped sections on Cinematography, Editing, etc.
I like the addition of leaving Kate out of the will but I think she should be introduced at the memorial. It doesn't have to be a big bit where Danielle finds out then that she's coming, but it'd be a nice foreshadow for later.
P05: If you decide not to introduce Kate earlier, I think the dialogue should be changed a bit with her introduction. If they haven't met and this is their first interaction since their father died, I would think that their conversation would be a bit more sorrowful.
P20: I think the line "you have no idea what these are for anyway" makes the whole speech feel choppy, and it would give Kate a reason to check what the pills were for when Danielle passes out rendering the next scene a tad moot.
Overall, I like the changes. Moving the urn scenes up gave me more of a reason to be on Danielle's side early on. I like how the tension between the two carry on longer making Danielle's change of feelings seem less abrupt.
Page 4- small typo "rearview" mirror not review mirror (although that would be cool to have a review mirror in your car)
I like this introduction of Kate a lot better than just having the mom tell her she needs to spend time with her half sister.
I think it's a good idea to cut the dog peeing on the ashes. That just adds a whole day of shooting to work with an animal.
Kate and Danielle's relationship seems a lot more natural now. The dialogue flows and their intentions are present to the audience. Good work there.
The layout is so much better here! Still a little long at 25 pages but I am the last person to talk about length (mines 22 and I still have to add music!) Their relationship starts out slow and the transition point is nice with the OD scare.
Is it absolutely necessary to have those first 3 pages with the dad in the hospital? It might be better to come in later and let the audience put the pieces together. From a producers view casting the dad and having the hospital as a location is a big expense that can be avoided. Just my opinion. The movie is really about the girls anyway.
I agree with Chelsea, the hospital scene at the beginning doesn't impact me in the way it should. Maybe that can come later and have the film start at the wake.
I really think you need to get right to the conflict between the two girls, I was trying to figure out why Danielle was so pissed with Kate, maybe its obvious, but I wanted to know more.
What if some of the conflict arose from Kate not being at the wake therefore the audience can suspect some tension when they meet, it would also contribute to why Danielle is so pissed, besides losing her father.
I really like the story you have, but there were some parts I had issues with. Like the dog causing the ashes to fall. What if she accidentally left the ashes on top off the roof and Kate drove off causing the urn to smash, this is just another option, but one that seems a little more convincing.
Also, the 'irony' of the bird hitting the car, what is the irony? I might be missing something here...again, but I want to mention it in case nobody else does and then then it skips over the audience in the film.
Lastly, it ends a bit abruptly, It would be nice to see more of a finale. Just a thought, what if in the middle of one of their arguments Kate or Danielle threatens to leave once they get to the university, but instead stays and they leave together? This could be one of the many ways to show the sisters finally embracing one another and getting over their differences.
I'm sure there are plenty of ways to finish this film on a high? There is a ton of good stuff in this that could generate a very fulfilling ending. I just think there needs to be more conflict between the girls.
I wrote a few notes down that i thought of while reading your script. I also had a little bit of a problem with the dogs in the fountain scene. First off, Kate trips over a dog on a leash and drops the urn. I would think the owner of the dog would notice this and apologize; the dog just caused a major accident. I also think getting a dog to pee in a specific spot would be incredibly difficult. On the other hand, if you are stuck on the dog idea (and you had the time to work with one) the dog could actually be a funny character within your piece, especially since we are seeing him more than once. Just make sure he is memorable.
I really like the added tension you have between danielle and kate, though i do think it is a little much sometimes. Are these two similar in age? Danielle almost seems like the older sibling who lost her father, first to kate's mom, and then to death. I get this idea just from the sheer fact that she loves to step all over kate any chance she gets.
Oh, and thanks for the clarification on the pills, much better, now it doesnt seem like someone did actually O.D.
Pg3 - "I couldn't imagine not fulfilling his last request" This line reads untrue to me. Of course, she's going to fulfill his last request. Why is she saying it? A simple, "of course" or something to the measure of her responding with, not in this wording, but, something about how that could even be a question. Right now it's just too direct.
Pg 4 - Just a note about your action, you can simplify this, here's a simplified version of this line , "Danielle’s car pulls up to a parking lot, the first location is, a park and the worlds tallest fountain." Just go through and cut out little unneeded parts
Overal, I like the additions. I like the explanation of the pills and whatnot, and the conflict between the sisters seems clearer. My big issue is there just seems to be too much going on in this script. I think you need to pick one or two central elements in your story and roll with the them. The script is 24 pages and it's a long 24 pages. I think you can get to everything a lot quicker and still keep your overall goal of the story which is to bring these two together. Just start going through and killing babies. Right now it feels like, especially the ending, knew you needed to end it, so you pushed them in a resolution of bonding them together. You need to find that moment in your script that really drives this forward and sends them into a forward momentum to the ultimate bonding. Right now, I don't see or feel that moment, so your finale is just put there for the sake of needing that ending. Like I said before, you should find the most important story within your story and centralize it.
Hey Brittany, Just read your newest draft... I’ve got a few comments and notes, as most of my thoughts have been addressed by the others above:
I ALSO think that the conflict between Kate and Danielle should be more fleshed out. I want to know more about it and more importantly, I want it too kind of hit me full force. I really Dominic's idea about having Kate not be at the father’s wake cause it sends a pretty clear message about their relationship without much really going on.
I didn’t really like the bit with the ashes falling over. Its not the dog specifically, and honestly I don’t know how else I would do it. The dog is a funny “character”, but it may be kind of hard to work with… and may not work out as you like. I kind of like Dominic’s idea about them falling off the car… but maybe you could work on that.
I really feel like the whole relationship between Danielle and Kate has been much more fleshed out, which really builds on the overall story and makes it much more credible… I care more about the characters now, which is a great thing!
I really like the story. I haven't read it before this draft so I can't really comment on the changes, but I can say that I didn't even realize it was 25 pgs long as I was reading because I was enjoying it.
However, I do have a few comments. Why wasn't Kate at the funeral? It seems like she cared enough about her father to go on this trip to spread his ashes, shouldn't she have been there? Or, like someone commented earlier, it would be a good idea for her absence at the funeral to be the reason Danielle is so against Kate joining her on the trip.
I think Courtney mentioned it earlier, Danielle seems to me like the older one. It would make sense if she didn't like Kate because she stole her father, but she was the one who spent most of her life with him. This took away from the story a bit for me.
The idea to cut the hospital scenes is a good idea. As a reader, I didn't think that part was necessary and I actually forgot about it completely until I read the other comments saying to possibly cut it. Beginning at the funeral would be just as good, if not better.
Pg 3- You say, "the last bad" this should be "the last bag."
Pg 4- "They spot the fountain up that is sky high with a field of grass beneath it and shops off to the side." This sentence is a little confusing and shouldn't it be "she" since Danielle is alone in the car?
Pg 17- "They pull into a biker bar and find a group of women surrounded by motorcycles. Kate and Danielle" The description stops here, delete "Kate and Danielle."
I know this is a lot of comments, but I really liked it. I'm not sure if this was mentioned before but it reminds me a little bit of Elizabethtown. Good work!
Most of my thoughts have been addressed above. I do have one suggestion. I noticed the change with the pill scene, where now the character is anemic, I didn't really feel like it was necessary to the story. It doesn't really evolve into anything it just seems like it was there to change the scene about drugs.
On pg.6 when Kate tells Danielle that Dad told her she'd have to go with Danielle on this trip then Danielle says great, I'd like her to question Danielle a bit more. Now she just accepts it, but if she questions her on it like just a simple question like "did he say why" or "you don't have school" or just something like that.
The relationship with D & K has room for improvement. I like how they bicker, but I feel as the story goes on they could tease each other more than bicker so that it shows that their relationship has improved. I don't know if its just me, but it just sort of happens at the very end that they are happy to be on this trip together. I would like to see it build more to that point. Adding a few lines of dialogue here and there of them teasing could solve this issue.
I really like the scene with the security guards. It's funny and you can have a lot of fun with it. It's at a good place in the story. I felt that there needed to be some comedic relief toward the end.
Just a quick note: I really like D's monologue on page 20.
I'm also curious on how you'll do the scene with the dog. I agree with Ian that the dog is a funny character, but might turn out as you expected.
pg 2 - I think this whole "note on the back of the frame" is working, it definitely gives better motivation for the girls to go on this trip.
pg 7 - The store clerk doesn't try to help at all? If he or she did it might be a way to add in some comic relief.
pg 11 - How old is Kate?
pg 19 - Was there actually something in Kate's hair or is Dana making up an excuse? If there actually was something in her hair, I would show Dana holding it afterward. Depends on if you want Dana and Girth to actually seem threatening or not.
pg 21 - "Ya no, those are for my anemia. I passed out because I didn’t have enough iron in me body." I didn't realize Danielle was a pirate - interesting spin.
About the pills - it's a little weird to me that they were in her dad's room to begin with - I know you're trying to make it seem like they're her dad's, but once you find out they're Danielle's you immediately go back to 'why were they in her dad's room?' Perhaps she grabs them from a communal area like the kitchen and we see other bottles prescribed to her dad next to the one she takes and you wouldn't see the label on that one.
Brittany, On page 3 just a quick grammar fix I think you meant to say bag not bad. Love that you changed it so that Danielle and Kate run into each other. I think this is a much better way to have them go together when the dad knew they wouldn’t go together but if he asked them both separately they would go. I think the added dialogue definitely helps the Danielle and Kate’s character building you’re really starting to get a feel of who they are. I like adding the pills and that you think she’s addicted to something but turns out its for anemia. I would research it though just to make sure you can take that many and so on and so forth. Good work so far J
pg4 - "she starts to remember her dad" I get this, but that's in a way writing the character's thoughts. You should write this how you're going to shoot it to convey this action. And when you say intercut the previous hospital scene, is this going to be done in a "flashbacky"/abstract way? Or is it just part of the scene replaying? Just curious.
The change of having Kate meet Danielle at the first location, to Danielle's surprise, is good. I like it. However, I feel like this first exchange between them needs to go a little deeper, it seems too light and quick for A) two half sisters who haven't seen each other in a long time (even if one doesn't care for the other) and especially B) the reason and circumstances surrounding their meeting. Just play with it I think and you'll find more there to write.
pg21 - when Danielle is explaining her reasons for the pills, you have "didn't have enough iron in me body." Unless she's a pirate, you might want to change it to "my" :D
pg23 - "hey sorry for freaking out later." you mean earlier?
That's it for specific notes, mostly just little typos that for all I know people above me have caught. Overall, I think a lot of the minor changes you did in dialogue and the way you introduced Kate in the story now helped a lot. For me, this is really start to feel like the (half) sisterly-bonding road trip that it should be. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it next.
maybe i just missed it but how did kate get to the fountain? did she drive? if so did she just leave her car there in order to travel in danielle's car? i think there is just a slight gap in logic here that needs to be fixed...
SCRIPT
ReplyDelete2; I really like how the picture is in the back of the picture frame, but it's a bit odd that it's in the picture in his room. Did he put it there? Does she already know about it? A bit unclear.
5; I like how you bring them together a lot. But Kate's dialogue makes her seem like a bit of a boob. She can be super nice and still sensitive to what's happening around her
8; did they leave a car behind? did i miss something?
13; seems odd that Kate would want to race after being called a bitch
14; "tho" ??? spelling, please!
19; what is "She had something in her hair." about? Did I miss something again?
21; ..."iron in me body" in my body
GENERAL: I like the general set up of this a lot. But it does fee like you're cramming too much story into too little time and, as a result, attempts to get them to bond, feel inorganic. i see spots where they are supposed be bonding, but I'm not feeling them come together. I think this is the most important idea that you ned to address. Let's discuss.
JOURNAL
Seems like you skipped sections on Cinematography, Editing, etc.
I like the addition of leaving Kate out of the will but I think she should be introduced at the memorial. It doesn't have to be a big bit where Danielle finds out then that she's coming, but it'd be a nice foreshadow for later.
ReplyDeleteP05: If you decide not to introduce Kate earlier, I think the dialogue should be changed a bit with her introduction. If they haven't met and this is their first interaction since their father died, I would think that their conversation would be a bit more sorrowful.
P20: I think the line "you have no idea what these are for anyway" makes the whole speech feel choppy, and it would give Kate a reason to check what the pills were for when Danielle passes out rendering the next scene a tad moot.
Overall, I like the changes. Moving the urn scenes up gave me more of a reason to be on Danielle's side early on. I like how the tension between the two carry on longer making Danielle's change of feelings seem less abrupt.
Page 4- small typo "rearview" mirror not review mirror (although that would be cool to have a review mirror in your car)
ReplyDeleteI like this introduction of Kate a lot better than just having the mom tell her she needs to spend time with her half sister.
I think it's a good idea to cut the dog peeing on the ashes. That just adds a whole day of shooting to work with an animal.
Kate and Danielle's relationship seems a lot more natural now. The dialogue flows and their intentions are present to the audience. Good work there.
The layout is so much better here! Still a little long at 25 pages but I am the last person to talk about length (mines 22 and I still have to add music!) Their relationship starts out slow and the transition point is nice with the OD scare.
Is it absolutely necessary to have those first 3 pages with the dad in the hospital? It might be better to come in later and let the audience put the pieces together. From a producers view casting the dad and having the hospital as a location is a big expense that can be avoided. Just my opinion. The movie is really about the girls anyway.
I agree with Chelsea, the hospital scene at the beginning doesn't impact me in the way it should. Maybe that can come later and have the film start at the wake.
ReplyDeleteI really think you need to get right to the conflict between the two girls, I was trying to figure out why Danielle was so pissed with Kate, maybe its obvious, but I wanted to know more.
What if some of the conflict arose from Kate not being at the wake therefore the audience can suspect some tension when they meet, it would also contribute to why Danielle is so pissed, besides losing her father.
I really like the story you have, but there were some parts I had issues with. Like the dog causing the ashes to fall. What if she accidentally left the ashes on top off the roof and Kate drove off causing the urn to smash, this is just another option, but one that seems a little more convincing.
Also, the 'irony' of the bird hitting the car, what is the irony? I might be missing something here...again, but I want to mention it in case nobody else does and then then it skips over the audience in the film.
Lastly, it ends a bit abruptly, It would be nice to see more of a finale. Just a thought, what if in the middle of one of their arguments Kate or Danielle threatens to leave once they get to the university, but instead stays and they leave together? This could be one of the many ways to show the sisters finally embracing one another and getting over their differences.
I'm sure there are plenty of ways to finish this film on a high? There is a ton of good stuff in this that could generate a very fulfilling ending. I just think there needs to be more conflict between the girls.
Nice One!
hey brittany,
ReplyDeleteI wrote a few notes down that i thought of while reading your script. I also had a little bit of a problem with the dogs in the fountain scene. First off, Kate trips over a dog on a leash and drops the urn. I would think the owner of the dog would notice this and apologize; the dog just caused a major accident. I also think getting a dog to pee in a specific spot would be incredibly difficult. On the other hand, if you are stuck on the dog idea (and you had the time to work with one) the dog could actually be a funny character within your piece, especially since we are seeing him more than once. Just make sure he is memorable.
I really like the added tension you have between danielle and kate, though i do think it is a little much sometimes. Are these two similar in age? Danielle almost seems like the older sibling who lost her father, first to kate's mom, and then to death. I get this idea just from the sheer fact that she loves to step all over kate any chance she gets.
Oh, and thanks for the clarification on the pills, much better, now it doesnt seem like someone did actually O.D.
Pg3 - "I couldn't imagine not fulfilling his last request" This line reads untrue to me. Of course, she's going to fulfill his last request. Why is she saying it? A simple, "of course" or something to the measure of her responding with, not in this wording, but, something about how that could even be a question. Right now it's just too direct.
ReplyDeletePg 4 - Just a note about your action, you can simplify this, here's a simplified version of this line , "Danielle’s car pulls up to a parking lot, the first location is, a park and the worlds tallest fountain." Just go through and cut out little unneeded parts
Overal, I like the additions. I like the explanation of the pills and whatnot, and the conflict between the sisters seems clearer. My big issue is there just seems to be too much going on in this script. I think you need to pick one or two central elements in your story and roll with the them. The script is 24 pages and it's a long 24 pages. I think you can get to everything a lot quicker and still keep your overall goal of the story which is to bring these two together. Just start going through and killing babies. Right now it feels like, especially the ending, knew you needed to end it, so you pushed them in a resolution of bonding them together. You need to find that moment in your script that really drives this forward and sends them into a forward momentum to the ultimate bonding. Right now, I don't see or feel that moment, so your finale is just put there for the sake of needing that ending. Like I said before, you should find the most important story within your story and centralize it.
Hey Brittany,
ReplyDeleteJust read your newest draft... I’ve got a few comments and notes, as most of my thoughts have been addressed by the others above:
I ALSO think that the conflict between Kate and Danielle should be more fleshed out. I want to know more about it and more importantly, I want it too kind of hit me full force. I really Dominic's idea about having Kate not be at the father’s wake cause it sends a pretty clear message about their relationship without much really going on.
I didn’t really like the bit with the ashes falling over. Its not the dog specifically, and honestly I don’t know how else I would do it. The dog is a funny “character”, but it may be kind of hard to work with… and may not work out as you like. I kind of like Dominic’s idea about them falling off the car… but maybe you could work on that.
I really feel like the whole relationship between Danielle and Kate has been much more fleshed out, which really builds on the overall story and makes it much more credible… I care more about the characters now, which is a great thing!
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI really like the story. I haven't read it before this draft so I can't really comment on the changes, but I can say that I didn't even realize it was 25 pgs long as I was reading because I was enjoying it.
However, I do have a few comments. Why wasn't Kate at the funeral? It seems like she cared enough about her father to go on this trip to spread his ashes, shouldn't she have been there? Or, like someone commented earlier, it would be a good idea for her absence at the funeral to be the reason Danielle is so against Kate joining her on the trip.
I think Courtney mentioned it earlier, Danielle seems to me like the older one. It would make sense if she didn't like Kate because she stole her father, but she was the one who spent most of her life with him. This took away from the story a bit for me.
The idea to cut the hospital scenes is a good idea. As a reader, I didn't think that part was necessary and I actually forgot about it completely until I read the other comments saying to possibly cut it. Beginning at the funeral would be just as good, if not better.
Pg 3- You say, "the last bad" this should be "the last bag."
Pg 4- "They spot the fountain up that is sky high with a field of grass beneath it and shops off to the side." This sentence is a little confusing and shouldn't it be "she" since Danielle is alone in the car?
Pg 17- "They pull into a biker bar and find a group of women surrounded by motorcycles. Kate and Danielle" The description stops here, delete "Kate and Danielle."
I know this is a lot of comments, but I really liked it. I'm not sure if this was mentioned before but it reminds me a little bit of Elizabethtown. Good work!
Most of my thoughts have been addressed above. I do have one suggestion. I noticed the change with the pill scene, where now the character is anemic, I didn't really feel like it was necessary to the story. It doesn't really evolve into anything it just seems like it was there to change the scene about drugs.
ReplyDeleteThis is an improvment from your last draft.
ReplyDeleteOn pg.6 when Kate tells Danielle that Dad told her she'd have to go with Danielle on this trip then Danielle says great, I'd like her to question Danielle a bit more. Now she just accepts it, but if she questions her on it like just a simple question like "did he say why" or "you don't have school" or just something like that.
The relationship with D & K has room for improvement. I like how they bicker, but I feel as the story goes on they could tease each other more than bicker so that it shows that their relationship has improved. I don't know if its just me, but it just sort of happens at the very end that they are happy to be on this trip together. I would like to see it build more to that point. Adding a few lines of dialogue here and there of them teasing could solve this issue.
I really like the scene with the security guards. It's funny and you can have a lot of fun with it. It's at a good place in the story. I felt that there needed to be some comedic relief toward the end.
Just a quick note: I really like D's monologue on page 20.
I'm also curious on how you'll do the scene with the dog. I agree with Ian that the dog is a funny character, but might turn out as you expected.
All in all, there is some really good stuff here.
pg 2 - I think this whole "note on the back of the frame" is working, it definitely gives better motivation for the girls to go on this trip.
ReplyDeletepg 7 - The store clerk doesn't try to help at all? If he or she did it might be a way to add in some comic relief.
pg 11 - How old is Kate?
pg 19 - Was there actually something in Kate's hair or is Dana making up an excuse? If there actually was something in her hair, I would show Dana holding it afterward. Depends on if you want Dana and Girth to actually seem threatening or not.
pg 21 - "Ya no, those are for my anemia. I passed out because I didn’t have enough iron in me body." I didn't realize Danielle was a pirate - interesting spin.
About the pills - it's a little weird to me that they were in her dad's room to begin with - I know you're trying to make it seem like they're her dad's, but once you find out they're Danielle's you immediately go back to 'why were they in her dad's room?' Perhaps she grabs them from a communal area like the kitchen and we see other bottles prescribed to her dad next to the one she takes and you wouldn't see the label on that one.
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteOn page 3 just a quick grammar fix I think you meant to say bag not bad. Love that you changed it so that Danielle and Kate run into each other. I think this is a much better way to have them go together when the dad knew they wouldn’t go together but if he asked them both separately they would go. I think the added dialogue definitely helps the Danielle and Kate’s character building you’re really starting to get a feel of who they are. I like adding the pills and that you think she’s addicted to something but turns out its for anemia. I would research it though just to make sure you can take that many and so on and so forth. Good work so far J
pg4 - "she starts to remember her dad" I get this, but that's in a way writing the character's thoughts. You should write this how you're going to shoot it to convey this action. And when you say intercut the previous hospital scene, is this going to be done in a "flashbacky"/abstract way? Or is it just part of the scene replaying? Just curious.
ReplyDeleteThe change of having Kate meet Danielle at the first location, to Danielle's surprise, is good. I like it. However, I feel like this first exchange between them needs to go a little deeper, it seems too light and quick for A) two half sisters who haven't seen each other in a long time (even if one doesn't care for the other) and especially B) the reason and circumstances surrounding their meeting. Just play with it I think and you'll find more there to write.
pg21 - when Danielle is explaining her reasons for the pills, you have "didn't have enough iron in me body." Unless she's a pirate, you might want to change it to "my" :D
pg23 - "hey sorry for freaking out later." you mean earlier?
That's it for specific notes, mostly just little typos that for all I know people above me have caught. Overall, I think a lot of the minor changes you did in dialogue and the way you introduced Kate in the story now helped a lot. For me, this is really start to feel like the (half) sisterly-bonding road trip that it should be. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it next.
maybe i just missed it but how did kate get to the fountain? did she drive? if so did she just leave her car there in order to travel in danielle's car? i think there is just a slight gap in logic here that needs to be fixed...
ReplyDelete