Just finished your 2nd Draft... it's MUCH better this time around. Thanks for noting the changes in blue too!
I really like that you included Terry's lifestyle being shown in the opening scene... it adds so much more to the character without adding to much (if that makes any sense to you?).
I liked that he dies of a heart attack this time... but not the "Son of a bitch" line. It’s kind of awkward and cheesy. I say just have him drop dead. Also, on page 3 you say the driver gets out of the car to investigate, but isn’t he already out talking to Terry?
LOVE the whole suicide prevention bit... it adds a lot of humor to the story (Edgar bitching at the people calling cause he knows they live). I think you should lose Carl's responses though... it would be funnier just hearing Edgar talking to someone on the other side of the phone.
You may also be able to lose the whole Eleanor/ Edgar scene... just show his supervisor stand behind him, say something, and then Edgar rolls his eyes and gets up from his desk. May make the story move a little quicker.
Emma now has a voice. I like her character a lot more.
The whole Jessica/ Edgar relationship is much more fleshed out here. I feel for both of them and I actually want to see them to get back together! I liked the "telling her when she’s going to die during sex" scene from the 1st draft, but this whole cancer story really makes the story more consistent and interesting.
The flashback scene, which Edgar tells Jessica about the dying woman, is very effective. It shows where Edgar had his sudden understanding of life and how to live it. It’s credible. You may want to lose the shot of him jogging though… it feels out of place. Maybe just end on him putting on headphones and music cueing credits.
This was definitely a construct rewrite sir... you have a full story. You have fleshed out characters who we actually care about. There is humor and heart. Good job Ritchie!!!
Pg1 - This is just a minor note, but the opening action seemed a little awkward for only one reason. You have a really nice flow in that first sentence. The, "It's dark, still", kinda through me off. Not sure why. You could keep that nice flow by changing it to "Still dark out," and so on and so forth. For whatever reason that bothered me. I'll stop rambling now.
The per sounds awkward to me. Doesn't really roll of the tongue when I say it out loud. Try every instead. That's just my opinion.
Pg2 - You don't need to say "The driver" every time you're talking about him. You established that so you can just say "he".
"After going through his belongings" It seems kind of obvious that they found his journal after going through his belongings. Is there something more specific or a more important reason you can state for them finding the journal or does it need to be said at all?
Pg.3 - "Only I would spend the rest of my life trying to prove it wrong." This implies that Terry just accepted it. It sounds like the way that line was phrased is provoked, but at this point in the script I don't know what is provoking that...almost as if it's a shot at his brother for not wanting to prove it wrong? Intentional? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but II'm getting the impression that there's some disdain or animosity behind that line.
"Just one fluke was all I WANTED" Would NEEDED be a better substitute since it's a life and death sort of situation.
Pg4 -"You have a very important message on your answering machine. " I think you should shorten this line to give it more of a punch. It reads robotic, during a heated and very emotional argument. Doesn't feel real.
Pg5 - "You're just saying because you have to" Missing word?
Carl seems a little too willing to give into Edgar. I agree he should give in, but maybe change up the dialogue so it's more of a state of confusion and bewilderment opposed to just an immediate surrender. In fact, it's sposed to be quirky. Might be interesting if he starts talking about his college band off the bat, adding to the selfish suicidal guy stereotype.
Pg6 - The hot seat. I get it. But it took me a second. It just read weird.
"I'm just need some time off" Typo
It seems like you're trying to really fuck with Edgar's life. Make it fall apart. Would it be better to straight up can his ass?
Pg7 - "I can to explain" typo
"I take a flight out to Terry’s memorial service." This sounds weird. Is it in the right tense?
Pg8 - I've hit page 8 and I'm somewhat interested in the story, but I'm not entirely invested in Edgar's plight. You got me hooked with Terry being hit by the car, but I guess I just don't know why I should care about Edgar yet. I have a feeling since he's now at the funeral that this will change, but I think you might want to get to this moment sooner in the script.
"You know I haven't gotten the change to catch up with you" Sounds awkward. Do you need this line? Or can you just go into the dialogue proceeding it? Or maybe, just mention through the dialogue that it's been ages. SOmething like that. Shows their relationship to be more personal I think.
I like the transition from "One Chance" right into the next scene.
Pg10 - If Edgar says hi then Jessica shouldn't say hi. Switch it up.
"This is my life" shouldn't that be was?
The use of watched her pass away. Death is such a normal thing for him. Makes him seem afraid of it if he says pass away. He never seemed afraid before in the script. Seems like he should say die.
Pg15 - "Love you to" too
I like the jogging parallel.
I feel like you're missing something in this script. You've got this really interesting concept of a formula to predict death, but you focus more on the relationship aspect of the script, which is fine, you need that, but I don't feel like you focus enough on Edgar's obsession and his need to figure this kind of thing out. I feel like death should surround him or he should notice it so much more. I'm not sure what you could do, but I think you need more of the scifi aspects to his cause in this thing. Like. I think the conflict you're going for is the ever wondering foreboding doom of his death, but the only thing I ever really think of him is, he lost his job and his girl, but I was never invested in his possible death at every turn. You might want to put him in scenarios where he comes very close to death, playing with the audience, making them think his time might be up. You need more of the formula, the book and death in here to add to the relationship story. You should really show how much this thing controls his life. And if he does know when he'll die wouldn't he be a horrible risk taker knowing he couldn't die until that exact moment?
The beginning seems a lot more intense, I like it.
It's a little weird to me that Terry stops and closes his eyes before the car almost hits him because he doesn't know he's going to be hit by a car, die sure, but he doesn't know how, and if he has time to stop and face the car and everything, why wouldn't he move? Yeah he knows he's going to die, but the basic human reaction when facing a speeding car would be to get out of the way, even if you're waiting for it to happen.
Carl - "...try and get back together with the band" - this seems forced.
Emma - "After Terry passed away, it was hard to even step foot in this house" - how long after his death is this? I got the feeling it was right after, within the week, but this sentence makes it seem months later.
The lady who commits suicide - I'm really happy that you have him trying to prove the formula wrong in this way - that's awesome, but I would suggest making her older than early 20s just to add some age variation to your film - you don't want it looking like it's made in college, even though it is. Also, maybe some pills or something on the ground next to her? Otherwise what exactly is she dying from? Not from being too thin as she was calling the suicide prevention hotline. And I think you need to beef it up a bit - just doesn't seem like solid of a trial for Edgar to be basing his entire 'I have to accept the formula' bit on.
I really like this script a lot better than the first. Things flow a lot better, more believable, etc
The scene in the beginning is a much better way to open it! I like how the issue or life and death is presented from the beginning. The car with terry is funny/good. I like how the whole time the audience thinks that he will be hit by the car and instead we get a curve ball. Nicely done. Also, I think that this scene could be quite pretty, esp if you do it right at day break. Colors in the sky will look awesome!
I also like the whisky addition. How it is eased from what Terry said to the next thing (which obviously both a woman and whiskey do not work for Edgar). Nice
Just a minor detail, on pg 6, the line "i just know, okay", I would take out the okay, so the I just know is stronger.
pg 10. When Jessica and Edgar first meet up at the bench, I would have Jessica a lot more hostile at first. I wouldn't have her ask what the box is, at least not right away. Maybe have Edgar apologize a lot at first, and then she cuts him off, asking what it is. Just have her very stern.
I'm glad that you took out that Edgar reveals his death while having sex with Jessica. I feel that it made him less likable and now that he is much more believable and likable. It makes the audience feel for him and his situation.
I also really like the change with the ending. There is no more melodramatic stuff and flows very nicely.
I think this draft is 100% better than the last. I don't really know what else to change. Good job!
The opening was a lot more engaging and I think it added more to Terry's character.
Page 2- the "less than three minutes" line, does 3 minutes really go by before Terry has the heart attack? It seems more like <90 seconds.
Page 2- cut the "son of a bitch" line. it sounds like Terry didn't know he was coming and I don't think Terry would say it. But I like the heart attack a lot more.
Page 4- Awkward line of "you have a very important message"
Interesting addition with the Suicide hotline. It's nice to know that Edgar is using his "gift" on other people.
Page 7- He says "and I know despite all this there's at least a part of you that still loves me I hope" which is contradictory to say I know and I hope about the same thing. Either he knows or he hopes.
Page 9-"Tell her the truth?" doesn't need a question mark.
Page 10- Jess shouldn't say "Hi", just "What is that?"
typo page 15- omelette
This draft is a lot more engaging. Good addition and development of characters.
There is a lot of good additions and changes in the draft for sure, you're definitely on the right track.
That being said, and as much as I like it, I feel like something is missing. I'm not entirely sure, but here's what I'm thinking the reason is - the overall angle you approach Edgar's situation in relationship to his knowledge of death and, I guess that's really the angle of your entire script. Basically, I'm wondering what this script could be like if you instead completely focused on Edgar and his conflict of knowing his time of death rather than focusing on how he deals with it relationship-wise. You have this cool and intriguing concept, and I would love to see you just take it and run with it and make it what the film is really about. The addition of him volunteering at the suicide hot line is great, and is a perfect fit for the character. So good move there. Minimizing the relationship stuff and maximizing the death stuff (I know i'm a graceful speaker haha) is of course what I personally would like to see from this, so take it with a grain of salt.
If you do decide or at least want to look into the idea of the above, I highly suggest you watch Aronofsky's "Pi" if you haven't already. Great, gritty thriller following the knowledge one man has that literally destroys him. I haven't seen it in a while, but now that I think about it, you should really watch this regardless haha.
Some specific stuff -
Why does Terry stop in front of the speeding car? I understand he's accepted his situation/death but accepting it and stopping in your tracks while in front of a speeding vehicle are two different things. Easy Fix. Also, not digging the line of "Oh son of a bitch." It's somewhat contradictory, I thought he accepted death, why add this nearly comical line? I do like, however, that he dies of a heart attack instead of being hit by a car. That sequence could be awesome if shot and acted/directed right.
I see no point in the VO of "I take a flight out to Terry's memorial service." It solely exists to directly tell us that he is taking a flight out to Terry's memorial service. I think the audience is smarter than that, it could work with just the airplane noise.
Last critique I've got here - I'm not buying the whole he-lied-to-her-about-having-cancer bit. How long have they been together? Even if it hasn't been that long, someone in a relationship with a person who has cancer would know if they really have cancer or not, even if it isn't physically noticeable. In some ways, that was the weakest part of this draft for me, completely took me out.
But again, overall, I like what you've got and looking forward to seeing what you decide to do with it in future drafts.
Thanks for the changes in blue! :) I like the new opening, adds some story to Terry, without much effort.
Should there be a new scene heading before the driver hits a speed bump? Otherwise if we (the audience) are still on the outside of the car, how do we know the driver spill the coffee and reaches for some napkins.
I like the new version of how Terry dies. Didn't see that coming. Nicely done!
I like how you cut back to the driver and Terry laying dead in the street.
I like the new scene on page 4. Good dialogue and good way of setting up their relationship, Edgar's state of mind and background info altogether.
I also like the new scene of Edgar being an employee of the suicide prevention hotline. This character is much more fleshed out than the first time around.
Maybe he's having one of those moments, that we all have where we just break, but I just cant see someone who works where he works saying :Go ahead, KILL yourself." and now I see how that line feeds into the convo with Elenore. Hmm maybe Edgar could imply that Carl should kill himself rather than say it flat out?
Good dialogue when Edgar gets the call from Emma.
Is there a reason why Emma wears brown and not black?
Emma's line of "you know I haven't had a chance to catch up with you, etc. " doesn't flow for me. Maybe "Thank you for your support. Is Jessica with you?" That way its more natural.
Emma's line of "I have to get back to the other guest" sounds like she's throwing a party and not at her husbands funeral. Maybe something like " I've been hiding in here long enough, I'll go thank everybody for coming."
I like the flashback. But what does the girl die from?
I like that you took out the roommater and sex scene.
Overall, good job. You made a lot of changes, but there were for the better.
As everyone else has said I loved the added part with Terry, and how he dies of a heart attack instead of the car. It reminds me of a movie I saw called the time machine where a man builds a time machine to go back and save his wife. But no matter how he tried to alter the past, she still died at the exact moment she does the first time, only through different circumstances.
The ending is a little too vague for me. Is this the day he dies? I was thinking maybe he could stay for that omelette. Maybe his relationship with Jessica could save his life.. Maybe he insists on going for a jog but she doesnt let him or gets in the way of his death somehow
I really like your story. I also like what you added about his job at the suicide hotline, it's kind of morbidly ironic, but it totally works. The whole part with the supervisor is a question mark for me. I like that it tells you more about the character, but I didn't find it as interesting as the rest of your story. It was definitely a slow point so if there is another way to get more insight into Edgar's character it might be better. Maybe add it into the scene with Emma since she seems to know him pretty well. Just a thought!
Page 1: I agree with Chris on the first few words. "It's dark, still." Is it dark still? Or dark and still? If it's the former, you don't need the still, if it's the latter, perhaps, "It's dark, and incredibly still." or "It's dark. The room is still." Or something similar will fix that clarification road bump.
Otherwise, the pace is electric this time! Great work. The time imagery to match the VO is a great touch.
Page 2: The "Son of a bitch" line did sound cheesy to me as well. I would much rather he drops after the previous line.
Small thing, but you say "A book lies on a table, open," in the action. It's the Grandpa's journal, so I would suggest saying journal. Also, be wary of using too many commas (which is far superior to the opposite). Maybe, "An open book/journal lies on the table."?
Page 3-4: The decision to have Edgar lie and blame his death on cancer was a great choice. It makes much more sense that he wouldn't advertise the death time theory for fear of being called crazy.
The first bit of the message from the doctor is great. The second portion, starting with "Not a broken bone..." I agree feels a little more than was needed. Perhaps just a cursory mention, "See you next month!" or something would be enough. Keep the pace up during this heated argument at all costs!
Page 5: Suicide prevention hot-line! That's brilliant... That's wonderful writing right there my friend. It fits perfectly. Sorry I had to rave, it was just a great surprise.
Page 6: I was a little disappointed when Eleanore took pity on Edgar so quickly. It felt to me that immediately all the tension and stakes drained out of the scene. Perhaps have her really chew him out. I felt like if the boss at a suicide hot-line caught one of their phone people talking to someone like that, they'd be out of there in a heartbeat.
Page 15: "Love you too." not "Love you to."
This is awesome Ritchie. I really enjoyed this story. It gets a little murky in the middle but I felt like your beginning and end are incredibly strong. If you can find a way to keep the pace up during the scene with Eleanor and Emma, (make it tighter!) it'll be a lean mean script man.
Hey Buddy,
ReplyDeleteJust finished your 2nd Draft... it's MUCH better this time around. Thanks for noting the changes in blue too!
I really like that you included Terry's lifestyle being shown in the opening scene... it adds so much more to the character without adding to much (if that makes any sense to you?).
I liked that he dies of a heart attack this time... but not the "Son of a bitch" line. It’s kind of awkward and cheesy. I say just have him drop dead. Also, on page 3 you say the driver gets out of the car to investigate, but isn’t he already out talking to Terry?
LOVE the whole suicide prevention bit... it adds a lot of humor to the story (Edgar bitching at the people calling cause he knows they live). I think you should lose Carl's responses though... it would be funnier just hearing Edgar talking to someone on the other side of the phone.
You may also be able to lose the whole Eleanor/ Edgar scene... just show his supervisor stand behind him, say something, and then Edgar rolls his eyes and gets up from his desk. May make the story move a little quicker.
Emma now has a voice. I like her character a lot more.
The whole Jessica/ Edgar relationship is much more fleshed out here. I feel for both of them and I actually want to see them to get back together! I liked the "telling her when she’s going to die during sex" scene from the 1st draft, but this whole cancer story really makes the story more consistent and interesting.
The flashback scene, which Edgar tells Jessica about the dying woman, is very effective. It shows where Edgar had his sudden understanding of life and how to live it. It’s credible. You may want to lose the shot of him jogging though… it feels out of place. Maybe just end on him putting on headphones and music cueing credits.
This was definitely a construct rewrite sir... you have a full story. You have fleshed out characters who we actually care about. There is humor and heart. Good job Ritchie!!!
Pg1 - This is just a minor note, but the opening action seemed a little awkward for only one reason. You have a really nice flow in that first sentence. The, "It's dark, still", kinda through me off. Not sure why. You could keep that nice flow by changing it to "Still dark out," and so on and so forth. For whatever reason that bothered me. I'll stop rambling now.
ReplyDeleteThe per sounds awkward to me. Doesn't really roll of the tongue when I say it out loud. Try every instead. That's just my opinion.
Pg2 - You don't need to say "The driver" every time you're talking about him. You established that so you can just say "he".
"After going through his belongings" It seems kind of obvious that they found his journal after going through his belongings. Is there something more specific or a more important reason you can state for them finding the journal or does it need to be said at all?
Pg.3 - "Only I would spend the rest of my life trying to prove it wrong." This implies that Terry just accepted it. It sounds like the way that line was phrased is provoked, but at this point in the script I don't know what is provoking that...almost as if it's a shot at his brother for not wanting to prove it wrong? Intentional? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but II'm getting the impression that there's some disdain or animosity behind that line.
"Just one fluke was all I WANTED" Would NEEDED be a better substitute since it's a life and death sort of situation.
Pg4 -"You have a very important message on your answering machine. " I think you should shorten this line to give it more of a punch. It reads robotic, during a heated and very emotional argument. Doesn't feel real.
Pg5 - "You're just saying because you have to" Missing word?
The supervisor was a nice touch.
Carl seems a little too willing to give into Edgar. I agree he should give in, but maybe change up the dialogue so it's more of a state of confusion and bewilderment opposed to just an immediate surrender. In fact, it's sposed to be quirky. Might be interesting if he starts talking about his college band off the bat, adding to the selfish suicidal guy stereotype.
ReplyDeletePg6 - The hot seat. I get it. But it took me a second. It just read weird.
"I'm just need some time off" Typo
It seems like you're trying to really fuck with Edgar's life. Make it fall apart. Would it be better to straight up can his ass?
Pg7 - "I can to explain" typo
"I take a flight out to Terry’s memorial service." This sounds weird. Is it in the right tense?
Pg8 - I've hit page 8 and I'm somewhat interested in the story, but I'm not entirely invested in Edgar's plight. You got me hooked with Terry being hit by the car, but I guess I just don't know why I should care about Edgar yet. I have a feeling since he's now at the funeral that this will change, but I think you might want to get to this moment sooner in the script.
"You know I haven't gotten the change to catch up with you" Sounds awkward. Do you need this line? Or can you just go into the dialogue proceeding it? Or maybe, just mention through the dialogue that it's been ages. SOmething like that. Shows their relationship to be more personal I think.
I like the transition from "One Chance" right into the next scene.
Pg10 - If Edgar says hi then Jessica shouldn't say hi. Switch it up.
"This is my life" shouldn't that be was?
The use of watched her pass away. Death is such a normal thing for him. Makes him seem afraid of it if he says pass away. He never seemed afraid before in the script. Seems like he should say die.
Pg15 - "Love you to" too
I like the jogging parallel.
I feel like you're missing something in this script. You've got this really interesting concept of a formula to predict death, but you focus more on the relationship aspect of the script, which is fine, you need that, but I don't feel like you focus enough on Edgar's obsession and his need to figure this kind of thing out. I feel like death should surround him or he should notice it so much more. I'm not sure what you could do, but I think you need more of the scifi aspects to his cause in this thing. Like. I think the conflict you're going for is the ever wondering foreboding doom of his death, but the only thing I ever really think of him is, he lost his job and his girl, but I was never invested in his possible death at every turn. You might want to put him in scenarios where he comes very close to death, playing with the audience, making them think his time might be up. You need more of the formula, the book and death in here to add to the relationship story. You should really show how much this thing controls his life. And if he does know when he'll die wouldn't he be a horrible risk taker knowing he couldn't die until that exact moment?
The beginning seems a lot more intense, I like it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a little weird to me that Terry stops and closes his eyes before the car almost hits him because he doesn't know he's going to be hit by a car, die sure, but he doesn't know how, and if he has time to stop and face the car and everything, why wouldn't he move? Yeah he knows he's going to die, but the basic human reaction when facing a speeding car would be to get out of the way, even if you're waiting for it to happen.
Carl - "...try and get back together with the band" - this seems forced.
Emma - "After Terry passed away, it was hard to even step foot in this house" - how long after his death is this? I got the feeling it was right after, within the week, but this sentence makes it seem months later.
The lady who commits suicide - I'm really happy that you have him trying to prove the formula wrong in this way - that's awesome, but I would suggest making her older than early 20s just to add some age variation to your film - you don't want it looking like it's made in college, even though it is. Also, maybe some pills or something on the ground next to her? Otherwise what exactly is she dying from? Not from being too thin as she was calling the suicide prevention hotline. And I think you need to beef it up a bit - just doesn't seem like solid of a trial for Edgar to be basing his entire 'I have to accept the formula' bit on.
Pg 1. Definitely like the beginning much better with the narrative and the imagery. You worked out a lot of the kinks and it flows much better with what we’re seeing and then what we hear the narrator tell us about death.
ReplyDeletePg 2. I definitely like that you changed the way he died. Its like fate needed him to die and was playing with him. Definitely more interesting and more surprising. It could be considered a bit too cliché like final destination style.
Pg 3. I like that you added in that Edgar is trying to prove the theory wrong and not just researching it.
Pg. 4. I like how he told Jessica that he had cancer however, could be a bit weird that she believed him, if he wasn’t sickly or going through treatments.
Pg 5. Not sure about the phone conversation doesn’t sound to realistic. I understand that Edgar would be frustrated but maybe if he does more of a subtle kind of way of telling Carl to shut up and stop complaining. Also I think Carl would be the one who would be more upset about hearing what he heard.
Pg 6. I think the convo with his boss really helps. Definitely like that you added that piece in here. We’re starting to get more of a character of who Edgar is.
Pg 9. I like the conversation between Edgar and Emma very realistic. I feel that she is trying to get through a lot of the pain with Terry being dead but dealing with it by getting distracted with other peoples problems. When the phone rings I love the line “One chance.” Definitely a good line.
Pg 14. Edgar and Jessica’s talk is good, dialogue is realistic and it explains everythimg much better.
Pg 15. I like how we don’t know if Edgar dies or not but then again some part of me wants to know.
Overall, I think you did tremendous revisions on your piece and I really like where its going. Good work ☺
I really like this script a lot better than the first. Things flow a lot better, more believable, etc
ReplyDeleteThe scene in the beginning is a much better way to open it! I like how the issue or life and death is presented from the beginning. The car with terry is funny/good. I like how the whole time the audience thinks that he will be hit by the car and instead we get a curve ball. Nicely done. Also, I think that this scene could be quite pretty, esp if you do it right at day break. Colors in the sky will look awesome!
I also like the whisky addition. How it is eased from what Terry said to the next thing (which obviously both a woman and whiskey do not work for Edgar). Nice
Just a minor detail, on pg 6, the line "i just know, okay", I would take out the okay, so the I just know is stronger.
pg 10. When Jessica and Edgar first meet up at the bench, I would have Jessica a lot more hostile at first. I wouldn't have her ask what the box is, at least not right away. Maybe have Edgar apologize a lot at first, and then she cuts him off, asking what it is. Just have her very stern.
I'm glad that you took out that Edgar reveals his death while having sex with Jessica. I feel that it made him less likable and now that he is much more believable and likable. It makes the audience feel for him and his situation.
I also really like the change with the ending. There is no more melodramatic stuff and flows very nicely.
I think this draft is 100% better than the last. I don't really know what else to change. Good job!
2nd draft=better! Great job.
ReplyDeleteThe opening was a lot more engaging and I think it added more to Terry's character.
Page 2- the "less than three minutes" line, does 3 minutes really go by before Terry has the heart attack? It seems more like <90 seconds.
Page 2- cut the "son of a bitch" line. it sounds like Terry didn't know he was coming and I don't think Terry would say it. But I like the heart attack a lot more.
Page 4- Awkward line of "you have a very important message"
Interesting addition with the Suicide hotline. It's nice to know that Edgar is using his "gift" on other people.
Page 7- He says "and I know despite all this there's at least a part of you that still loves me I hope" which is contradictory to say I know and I hope about the same thing. Either he knows or he hopes.
Page 9-"Tell her the truth?" doesn't need a question mark.
Page 10- Jess shouldn't say "Hi", just "What is that?"
typo page 15- omelette
This draft is a lot more engaging. Good addition and development of characters.
There is a lot of good additions and changes in the draft for sure, you're definitely on the right track.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, and as much as I like it, I feel like something is missing. I'm not entirely sure, but here's what I'm thinking the reason is - the overall angle you approach Edgar's situation in relationship to his knowledge of death and, I guess that's really the angle of your entire script. Basically, I'm wondering what this script could be like if you instead completely focused on Edgar and his conflict of knowing his time of death rather than focusing on how he deals with it relationship-wise. You have this cool and intriguing concept, and I would love to see you just take it and run with it and make it what the film is really about. The addition of him volunteering at the suicide hot line is great, and is a perfect fit for the character. So good move there. Minimizing the relationship stuff and maximizing the death stuff (I know i'm a graceful speaker haha) is of course what I personally would like to see from this, so take it with a grain of salt.
If you do decide or at least want to look into the idea of the above, I highly suggest you watch Aronofsky's "Pi" if you haven't already. Great, gritty thriller following the knowledge one man has that literally destroys him. I haven't seen it in a while, but now that I think about it, you should really watch this regardless haha.
Some specific stuff -
Why does Terry stop in front of the speeding car? I understand he's accepted his situation/death but accepting it and stopping in your tracks while in front of a speeding vehicle are two different things. Easy Fix. Also, not digging the line of "Oh son of a bitch." It's somewhat contradictory, I thought he accepted death, why add this nearly comical line? I do like, however, that he dies of a heart attack instead of being hit by a car. That sequence could be awesome if shot and acted/directed right.
I see no point in the VO of "I take a flight out to Terry's memorial service." It solely exists to directly tell us that he is taking a flight out to Terry's memorial service. I think the audience is smarter than that, it could work with just the airplane noise.
Last critique I've got here - I'm not buying the whole he-lied-to-her-about-having-cancer bit. How long have they been together? Even if it hasn't been that long, someone in a relationship with a person who has cancer would know if they really have cancer or not, even if it isn't physically noticeable. In some ways, that was the weakest part of this draft for me, completely took me out.
But again, overall, I like what you've got and looking forward to seeing what you decide to do with it in future drafts.
Thanks for the changes in blue! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the new opening, adds some story to Terry, without much effort.
Should there be a new scene heading before the driver hits a speed bump? Otherwise if we (the audience) are still on the outside of the car, how do we know the driver spill the coffee and reaches for some napkins.
I like the new version of how Terry dies. Didn't see that coming. Nicely done!
I like how you cut back to the driver and Terry laying dead in the street.
I like the new scene on page 4. Good dialogue and good way of setting up their relationship, Edgar's state of mind and background info altogether.
I also like the new scene of Edgar being an employee of the suicide prevention hotline. This character is much more fleshed out than the first time around.
Maybe he's having one of those moments, that we all have where we just break, but I just cant see someone who works where he works saying :Go ahead, KILL yourself."
and now I see how that line feeds into the convo with Elenore. Hmm maybe Edgar could imply that Carl should kill himself rather than say it flat out?
Good dialogue when Edgar gets the call from Emma.
Is there a reason why Emma wears brown and not black?
Emma's line of "you know I haven't had a chance to catch up with you, etc. " doesn't flow for me. Maybe "Thank you for your support. Is Jessica with you?" That way its more natural.
Emma's line of "I have to get back to the other guest" sounds like she's throwing a party and not at her husbands funeral. Maybe something like " I've been hiding in here long enough, I'll go thank everybody for coming."
I like the flashback. But what does the girl die from?
I like that you took out the roommater and sex scene.
Overall, good job. You made a lot of changes, but there were for the better.
ritchie,
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else has said I loved the added part with Terry, and how he dies of a heart attack instead of the car. It reminds me of a movie I saw called the time machine where a man builds a time machine to go back and save his wife. But no matter how he tried to alter the past, she still died at the exact moment she does the first time, only through different circumstances.
The ending is a little too vague for me. Is this the day he dies? I was thinking maybe he could stay for that omelette. Maybe his relationship with Jessica could save his life.. Maybe he insists on going for a jog but she doesnt let him or gets in the way of his death somehow
Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteI really like your story. I also like what you added about his job at the suicide hotline, it's kind of morbidly ironic, but it totally works. The whole part with the supervisor is a question mark for me. I like that it tells you more about the character, but I didn't find it as interesting as the rest of your story. It was definitely a slow point so if there is another way to get more insight into Edgar's character it might be better. Maybe add it into the scene with Emma since she seems to know him pretty well. Just a thought!
Page 1: I agree with Chris on the first few words. "It's dark, still." Is it dark still? Or dark and still? If it's the former, you don't need the still, if it's the latter, perhaps, "It's dark, and incredibly still." or "It's dark. The room is still." Or something similar will fix that clarification road bump.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the pace is electric this time! Great work. The time imagery to match the VO is a great touch.
Page 2: The "Son of a bitch" line did sound cheesy to me as well. I would much rather he drops after the previous line.
Small thing, but you say "A book lies on a table, open," in the action. It's the Grandpa's journal, so I would suggest saying journal. Also, be wary of using too many commas (which is far superior to the opposite). Maybe, "An open book/journal lies on the table."?
Page 3-4: The decision to have Edgar lie and blame his death on cancer was a great choice. It makes much more sense that he wouldn't advertise the death time theory for fear of being called crazy.
The first bit of the message from the doctor is great. The second portion, starting with "Not a broken bone..." I agree feels a little more than was needed. Perhaps just a cursory mention, "See you next month!" or something would be enough. Keep the pace up during this heated argument at all costs!
Page 5: Suicide prevention hot-line! That's brilliant... That's wonderful writing right there my friend. It fits perfectly. Sorry I had to rave, it was just a great surprise.
Page 6: I was a little disappointed when Eleanore took pity on Edgar so quickly. It felt to me that immediately all the tension and stakes drained out of the scene. Perhaps have her really chew him out. I felt like if the boss at a suicide hot-line caught one of their phone people talking to someone like that, they'd be out of there in a heartbeat.
Page 15: "Love you too." not "Love you to."
This is awesome Ritchie. I really enjoyed this story. It gets a little murky in the middle but I felt like your beginning and end are incredibly strong. If you can find a way to keep the pace up during the scene with Eleanor and Emma, (make it tighter!) it'll be a lean mean script man.
Great work!
-David