Looks good. I don't really any have any narrative suggestions because I feel that it's ultimately your guys decision and it seems like a pretty solid script anyways. Have you figured out who's doing the editing yet. Seems like quite the task to take on, but I have seen your work before; I'm sure it will turn out good. Excited to see who will be cast.
Also watched the Glory at Sea video from your Filmmakers Journal. Makes a lot of sense what you are going for here.
Nice work, I really like your story. I can see your going all out on this one ./ (that was my face smiling)
I love the fantasy element to your story, however I wonder if you need the two pages of the narrator at the beginning. I'm sure you love this part, because it sets up the tone and the story, but to me, if you cut this part out I would still get your story and your tone. I just don't think a narrator fits in with your story.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this and look forward to seeing you put this on.
My only qualm here is the last paragraph. I feel like this part can be summed up in one sentence. I think too much is explained with him trying to get the love back, but instead just leave it at his world fell apart and the rest you can get across visually by just changing the colors and showing physically that he's super depressed. I think the audience can fill in the rest. Hell, I think it'd be more powerful to end on the sentence where she was lost. It just leaves on a very sad and depressing note.
Pg5 - when he asks who are you - maybe since he doesnt think hes real its more of a what are you and an exclamation of the kid not being real
Overal, I just really like this story no that it's focused on David. It just makes more sense. We'll sit down later and go through it with Jen beat by beat. We talked about this already, but what really needs to be worked on is how David finds Sam and Alex. This is gonna be a hell of a thing to film.
pg 1 - Didn't the script used to indicate that Sam is holding her belly? If it didn't, then I've been imagining it this whole time and now wonder why the audience would think that David would have a kid and why it's something Sam wouldn't have actually mentioned to him when she knew she was preggers.
pg 7 - I don't believe that David would use the word "awesome."
pg 10 - I feel like in previous drafts it took David a bit longer before he started to question Alex being his kid - I'd like to see that questioning phase still in here somehow, just seems like he jumps to conclusions soooo quickly here. Also, completely random thought, but have you guys considered working in the drinking aspect? For instance, David is able to bring booze into his art world so he does and he drinks it around the kid but shit happens that makes it so he needs to lay off and then he just wants to lay off for Alex's sake. I don't think it'd be anything that'd have too much focus put on it, but just a simple character thing to show he's taking responsibility.
pg 17 - "Fishing...water..." that line is sorta weird to me. I would just have him say "Bear Lake..." and that's it. But more importantly, I think you need something before this in the script that indicates he would know where Bear Lake was. It can be something in the present, like maybe he sees a billboard or is reading a magazine and there's an ad for it on the back. Or it can be in the past, maybe when he asks Sam where she wants to go, she replies "Bear Lake." If it ends up being something like that, it would be nice if Bear Lake was somehow significant to those two, like it was their favorite spot or they met there or something.
The end - I'm not sure it works. It seems rushed. It's like Sam immediately wants to kick David out (which I think is crazy because it's been nine years and her kid was just asking about him the night before - I think she would be so bewildered she wouldn't know what to do for a while and would want to see how it played out) and then immediately after her dismissal of him she's just like "nahhh, you've got a cell phone now, that's pretty dope, hey stay for breakfast, sorry for shutting the door in your face earlier." I mean, I almost think you can completely end the story at that first fade out with Sam going to sleep - add some shots of David driving right before that and then you'd end on a shot of his truck pulling up outside the house, and then the audience gets that he's going to try and make this work but it leaves you hanging and leaves it up to the audience to decide what happens between them. Also, minor issue - David mentions that Bear Lake is 3 hours away, so why would he not arrive there until morning?
This is an awesome script. A lot of changes were made, but they were for the better.
I like when Alex brings up that his dad is a sailor. Because up until now they're wondering, is it his kid, is it not? But this will "distract" until Alex says that he's never met his dad.
I disagree with Dominic. I think the narration at the beginning helps set the tone of the film. It helps set up the fantasy element of the story. Without it, I'm not sure the audience will buy David's ability to go into his other world.
I'm a little confused on how David is able to find where Sam's house is by knowing that it's three hours from Bear Lake. Once you figure that part out I think the ending won't be as rushed.
The pictures in your vimeo video are really good. I think they'd work well for your locations. Where are you planning to shoot the Beach scenes? I like how the places you scouted for David's place reflect his character and the same with Sam's. Really good job with locations!
i think the narration in the beginning would fit the piece maybe if you brought the narrator back in at the end, sort of explaining what has happened (or will happen) in the same tone as the beginning. though not all that necessary, i think you should keep the dialogue in the beginning i think it really adds a nice whimsical touch to the entire thing.
I really like the scotch addition. I think it adds a lot of humor! Def keep that (I laughed out loud)
I also think you give the audience a much better idea of what is going on (that Alex is Davids son). It was very clear this time to me from the beginning (and no not because I have read it before hah)
Just minor- ALex says "love you too" twice. Maybe have him say that line once and then "love you mom" a different time, just so it doesn't sound repetitive
You definitely focused on the father and son relationship a lot more in this- nicely done. I know Sam was an important character but we did not need to see her hurting as much as we did because we are focusing on the main/important story. But you knew that- just sayin good job
I really love it!!!!!!!!!!! Its going to be soo perrrrrdyyyy!
This draft is looking good. I like most of the changes and it got rid of some issues from the first one. The focus with David helps a lot and doesn't overwhelm the story.
I'm mostly concerned with Sam and David's relationship. She takes him back rather easily when it feels like there should be a lot more animosity between them. After all, it seems like he abandoned his own child for nine years and hasn't bothered keeping in touch since. She doesn't have to be angry, but I figure she'd at least be a little hesitant.
Overall though, solid script. The visuals and locations from the FJ are also looking great.
You can totally disagree with my comments here, because I feel like I might be super picky about this new script.
I like the new scene with David and Sam dancing and sharing that precious/intimate moment. I missed the part though where we see that she is pregnant. Are you deciding not to reveal that until later now?
pg 7- how does David know Alex? Did he know about Alex this whole time and this is the first time he has actually came across him?
I agree about David not saying the word "awesome". He's an artist, he can come up with something more creative to say.
Alex doesn't seem at all surprised to find someone else in his little world. Does that mean that he sees people a lot? Because if David is the first person he sees, I feel like he should be shocked and then accept him.
Pg 8-what's the purpose of the David's Kitchen scene? I figured he was somewhat of a depressed hermit, not a friendly neighbor.
pg 10- weird wording here "the closest one is The Bear Lake" maybe take out the The.
pg.11- now David calls him kid? He know's his name is Alex.
pg.13- i see where the preggers thing comes in now. But obviously by now the audience has picked up the fact that Alex is David's kid. Even though Alex says his dad is a sailor, I think the audience is smart enough to put the two together.
pg.15- So Alex doesn't want to draw anymore because why exactly? Because some stranger named David that he met twice didn't show up for their date?
pg 19- I don't feel the same emotion for Sam that I did last time. This scene between Sam and Alex is cute but Sam really has no place. I feel like her character should be similar to Toni Collette in The Sixth Sense, but I'm missing it.
How old is Alex supposed to be again? He uses a lot of big intelligent words. Which is strange because Sam seems to still talk to him like he is a young child.
I think the story here would be better developed/played out in a feature film. Your other script worked better for a short. But that's only my opinion.
As far as this ending all I have to say is "Aaaaawwwww!" Cute.
So I couldn't quite place my finger on what was bothering me about your first draft and I realize now that I couldn't figure out who's story it was. Now you could have made a more Alex oriented story, but an audience of adults (your main demographic I'm assuming?) is going to project themselves onto David. Making David the main character works splendidly.
Overall I have no major complaints without being nitpicky (the time will come in Cap 2, I'm sure), but for now it looks great. Good Luck!
I like the development of the relationships in these later drafts a lot better. I had a better idea of who was connected to whom. It seems like you have a really good visualization of what you want this piece to look like in the end and I don't have a doubt you'll be able to achieve that. Are you still thinking of filming this out of state? Is that still necessary? I'd hate to see you spend so much money on transportation costs that could go towards making this great script into an even better film.
Looks good. I don't really any have any narrative suggestions because I feel that it's ultimately your guys decision and it seems like a pretty solid script anyways. Have you figured out who's doing the editing yet. Seems like quite the task to take on, but I have seen your work before; I'm sure it will turn out good. Excited to see who will be cast.
ReplyDeleteAlso watched the Glory at Sea video from your Filmmakers Journal. Makes a lot of sense what you are going for here.
Hey Nick,
ReplyDeleteNice work, I really like your story. I can see your going all out on this one ./ (that was my face smiling)
I love the fantasy element to your story, however I wonder if you need the two pages of the narrator at the beginning. I'm sure you love this part, because it sets up the tone and the story, but to me, if you cut this part out I would still get your story and your tone. I just don't think a narrator fits in with your story.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this and look forward to seeing you put this on.
Opening narration
ReplyDeleteMy only qualm here is the last paragraph. I feel like this part can be summed up in one sentence. I think too much is explained with him trying to get the love back, but instead just leave it at his world fell apart and the rest you can get across visually by just changing the colors and showing physically that he's super depressed. I think the audience can fill in the rest. Hell, I think it'd be more powerful to end on the sentence where she was lost. It just leaves on a very sad and depressing note.
Pg5 - when he asks who are you - maybe since he doesnt think hes real its more of a what are you and an exclamation of the kid not being real
Overal, I just really like this story no that it's focused on David. It just makes more sense. We'll sit down later and go through it with Jen beat by beat. We talked about this already, but what really needs to be worked on is how David finds Sam and Alex. This is gonna be a hell of a thing to film.
pg 1 - Didn't the script used to indicate that Sam is holding her belly? If it didn't, then I've been imagining it this whole time and now wonder why the audience would think that David would have a kid and why it's something Sam wouldn't have actually mentioned to him when she knew she was preggers.
ReplyDeletepg 7 - I don't believe that David would use the word "awesome."
pg 10 - I feel like in previous drafts it took David a bit longer before he started to question Alex being his kid - I'd like to see that questioning phase still in here somehow, just seems like he jumps to conclusions soooo quickly here. Also, completely random thought, but have you guys considered working in the drinking aspect? For instance, David is able to bring booze into his art world so he does and he drinks it around the kid but shit happens that makes it so he needs to lay off and then he just wants to lay off for Alex's sake. I don't think it'd be anything that'd have too much focus put on it, but just a simple character thing to show he's taking responsibility.
pg 17 - "Fishing...water..." that line is sorta weird to me. I would just have him say "Bear Lake..." and that's it. But more importantly, I think you need something before this in the script that indicates he would know where Bear Lake was. It can be something in the present, like maybe he sees a billboard or is reading a magazine and there's an ad for it on the back. Or it can be in the past, maybe when he asks Sam where she wants to go, she replies "Bear Lake." If it ends up being something like that, it would be nice if Bear Lake was somehow significant to those two, like it was their favorite spot or they met there or something.
The end - I'm not sure it works. It seems rushed. It's like Sam immediately wants to kick David out (which I think is crazy because it's been nine years and her kid was just asking about him the night before - I think she would be so bewildered she wouldn't know what to do for a while and would want to see how it played out) and then immediately after her dismissal of him she's just like "nahhh, you've got a cell phone now, that's pretty dope, hey stay for breakfast, sorry for shutting the door in your face earlier." I mean, I almost think you can completely end the story at that first fade out with Sam going to sleep - add some shots of David driving right before that and then you'd end on a shot of his truck pulling up outside the house, and then the audience gets that he's going to try and make this work but it leaves you hanging and leaves it up to the audience to decide what happens between them. Also, minor issue - David mentions that Bear Lake is 3 hours away, so why would he not arrive there until morning?
Hey Nick,
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome script. A lot of changes were made, but they were for the better.
I like when Alex brings up that his dad is a sailor. Because up until now they're wondering, is it his kid, is it not? But this will "distract" until Alex says that he's never met his dad.
I disagree with Dominic. I think the narration at the beginning helps set the tone of the film. It helps set up the fantasy element of the story. Without it, I'm not sure the audience will buy David's ability to go into his other world.
I'm a little confused on how David is able to find where Sam's house is by knowing that it's three hours from Bear Lake. Once you figure that part out I think the ending won't be as rushed.
The pictures in your vimeo video are really good. I think they'd work well for your locations. Where are you planning to shoot the Beach scenes? I like how the places you scouted for David's place reflect his character and the same with Sam's. Really good job with locations!
Nice job!
i think the narration in the beginning would fit the piece maybe if you brought the narrator back in at the end, sort of explaining what has happened (or will happen) in the same tone as the beginning. though not all that necessary, i think you should keep the dialogue in the beginning i think it really adds a nice whimsical touch to the entire thing.
ReplyDeleteI really like the scotch addition. I think it adds a lot of humor! Def keep that (I laughed out loud)
ReplyDeleteI also think you give the audience a much better idea of what is going on (that Alex is Davids son). It was very clear this time to me from the beginning (and no not because I have read it before hah)
Just minor- ALex says "love you too" twice. Maybe have him say that line once and then "love you mom" a different time, just so it doesn't sound repetitive
You definitely focused on the father and son relationship a lot more in this- nicely done. I know Sam was an important character but we did not need to see her hurting as much as we did because we are focusing on the main/important story. But you knew that- just sayin good job
I really love it!!!!!!!!!!! Its going to be soo perrrrrdyyyy!
This draft is looking good. I like most of the changes and it got rid of some issues from the first one. The focus with David helps a lot and doesn't overwhelm the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm mostly concerned with Sam and David's relationship. She takes him back rather easily when it feels like there should be a lot more animosity between them. After all, it seems like he abandoned his own child for nine years and hasn't bothered keeping in touch since. She doesn't have to be angry, but I figure she'd at least be a little hesitant.
Overall though, solid script. The visuals and locations from the FJ are also looking great.
You can totally disagree with my comments here, because I feel like I might be super picky about this new script.
ReplyDeleteI like the new scene with David and Sam dancing and sharing that precious/intimate moment. I missed the part though where we see that she is pregnant. Are you deciding not to reveal that until later now?
pg 7- how does David know Alex? Did he know about Alex this whole time and this is the first time he has actually came across him?
I agree about David not saying the word "awesome". He's an artist, he can come up with something more creative to say.
Alex doesn't seem at all surprised to find someone else in his little world. Does that mean that he sees people a lot? Because if David is the first person he sees, I feel like he should be shocked and then accept him.
Pg 8-what's the purpose of the David's Kitchen scene? I figured he was somewhat of a depressed hermit, not a friendly neighbor.
pg 10- weird wording here "the closest one is The Bear Lake" maybe take out the The.
pg.11- now David calls him kid? He know's his name is Alex.
pg.13- i see where the preggers thing comes in now. But obviously by now the audience has picked up the fact that Alex is David's kid. Even though Alex says his dad is a sailor, I think the audience is smart enough to put the two together.
pg.15- So Alex doesn't want to draw anymore because why exactly? Because some stranger named David that he met twice didn't show up for their date?
pg 19- I don't feel the same emotion for Sam that I did last time. This scene between Sam and Alex is cute but Sam really has no place. I feel like her character should be similar to Toni Collette in The Sixth Sense, but I'm missing it.
How old is Alex supposed to be again? He uses a lot of big intelligent words. Which is strange because Sam seems to still talk to him like he is a young child.
I think the story here would be better developed/played out in a feature film. Your other script worked better for a short. But that's only my opinion.
As far as this ending all I have to say is "Aaaaawwwww!" Cute.
ReplyDeleteSo I couldn't quite place my finger on what was bothering me about your first draft and I realize now that I couldn't figure out who's story it was. Now you could have made a more Alex oriented story, but an audience of adults (your main demographic I'm assuming?) is going to project themselves onto David. Making David the main character works splendidly.
Overall I have no major complaints without being nitpicky (the time will come in Cap 2, I'm sure), but for now it looks great. Good Luck!
I like the development of the relationships in these later drafts a lot better. I had a better idea of who was connected to whom. It seems like you have a really good visualization of what you want this piece to look like in the end and I don't have a doubt you'll be able to achieve that. Are you still thinking of filming this out of state? Is that still necessary? I'd hate to see you spend so much money on transportation costs that could go towards making this great script into an even better film.
ReplyDelete