Just finished reading the first draft of your script... which I am assuming is unfinished. So far, it’s a good start. I am not quite sure where this story is going, or rather, how long it will end up being (I think you mentioned it is supposed to be a Pilot episode?).
I couldn’t find your journal in the Drop Box, so I am not quite sure what kind of film (or TV series rather) this is going to be, but I like where it’s headed. I think it is pretty funny and has somewhat of a THE OFFICE vibe going for it (zany and almost surreal cast of characters, see this “world” through the eyes of one guy, etc.)
I had some issues reading it in some places though, as some of the dialogue was a little "clunky", an example being on Page 8 when Craig says "Why does she want to talk to me and this goofy bastard if she’s the one dumping you". I had to re-read it a few times to get what you meant.
I feel that the beginning basis for most of the characters are there... but we obviously need to see more about them to get who they are... AJ is the main character who would be getting more out of life, Craig/ Ron are the lazy stoners, Gwen is the sweet but selective girlfriend, and then the rest of the pizza place are Russians. We need to care about these characters more, give them more of a voice and distinct direction.
That being said, I know that this is an unfinished script, so you probably have a lot of this taken care of in the next draft.
I wish there was more to read, I think this is a good start but for obvious reasons I only have so much feedback to give.
Interesting cast of characters for sure and given that each character will hopefully be more than just a stereotype (slacker, stoner, russian) and have a little something extra to them I think this could be a lot of fun. It's only the start of the script, so at this point they mostly are stereotypes but that's fine, it helps to quickly establish your cast. I just hope that further in (not necessarily just in this 1 episode since it'd be a series) that each character has more to them than meets the eye.
So far, I'm liking your main character and how he more or less seems to be the only normal one of this crazy cast. I'm digging Thaddeus, so far seems like he could be a fun/ridiculous character as well.
I looked at your journal and read the description saying that the series leads him on "misadventures." That's fine, but even with just this first part of the script I'm hoping it's something more specific than just misadventures, something big that disrupts this "normal" daily life of his and the characters around him (maybe that's where you're headed with the pot in the pizza box?) Now that I think of it I should also take a closer look at your bible and that'll probably answer my question haha.
So yeah, good start, want to see more. That's about all I got at this point.
I like this beginning. I can really see the first developments of scene, character, and situation.
Page 1- does that Scottsdale sign really say "Most Livable City"? I didn't know that.
This is a very mutli-cultural pizza shop. You have Russian, Italians, etc.
Funny part with the friends saying "haven't you ever wondered why we don't have girlfriends"
Page 7- "there is a deliver up" should that say "delivery" instead?
Page 9- "Let's here it" should be "hear it"
Good character development here. I like where you are headed. I am a little confused on Ron's role. Is he a drug dealer but also a part of the pizza shop management? Does Thad not know about the pot situation?
Pg1 - The first bit of action can be compressed into something that flows better. It's very wordy right now. There are a lot of words that could be omitted, condensing this bit.
Also, be careful with opening your show with a wake up scene. It's been done a million times before and unless it has something particularly original about it, then that' all it will be, just another wake up morning montage scene. Right now the scene's only purpose is to show he's waking up, probably going to work. I think you need a better opening. Come up with something that hasn't been done before. It just so reminiscent of so much else, Clerks specifically. It also doesn't give any real insight into the character other than that he is perfectly average, nothing that really grabs me as the reader.
I know this is only the beginning of the script, but so far, nothing of terrible interest is really happening. An ordinary guy gets up for work. He is greeted by the stereotypical foreign cook and angry girlfriend. We have no insight into his life or the people in it other than their stereotypes. As is now, I don't care if he gets dumped or not, and that seems to be the central conflict thus far. His character seems to exist soley to whine about how he thinks he is getting dumped and he seems far too willing to just open up to everyone around him, makes him seem pathetic, which isn't a quality the hero should have. I guess it could work if there was something endearing about him, but so far there isn't.
You've got a good basic structure going on, but there needs to be more of a conflict other than, I think I'm getting dumped. I think you could really benefit from fleshing out one or two relationships in this beginning part of the episode and addressing the nature of the beast while doing so. Figure out some original way to retell this story.
But is it a TV script or film? I like when Gwen mocks Thad by standing at attention. Very funny. I like the close ups of Eddy and Craig showing why they cant get girlfriends. Craig's line of "we are talking" hilarious! It got a whole lot more interesting when Ron puts marijuana into a pizza box. But it ended so fast. I want more!
But what you do have is great. I really like where this is going. Can't wait to see what happens next!
Pg 1. First how long is the first part of short going to be? Is it a montage? Also when Ron talks I’m not sure I believe he’s Russian from the way he’s talking. Maybe find some help with Russian dialect.
Pg 2. Does A.J. go into his bosses room or is he just saying hi from the doorway. I think when Gwen has her first line it should read “oh…it’s you” or maybe just “Oh…You.” Sounds more realistic.
Pg 3. I like the part of her scowling before turning to talk to her manager. Very realistic and funny.
Pg 7. Loved the conversation between the guys they seem a lot like people I know and could definitely see this happen.
Pg 8. So A.J. knows Drewer? Does he know him well this part kind of confuses me doesn’t make that much sense.
Pg 9. So A.J. understands something. It doesn’t make sense at all why he just sat down and then leaves. Maybe a little bit more of a back story or something.
Pg 10. When Thaddeus talks to A.J. about delivering pizza he says “if you do not comply” this really doesn’t seem like someone would say this in real life especially a Russian. Maybe a different word there. I feel that A.J. got the realization to talk to Gwen but then he see’s Gwen and walks away. Not sure this makes sense to me.
Good start. But the story isn’t finished. Not sure where the story is going and what the story is about. Dialogue seems pretty good need to work out a few kinks but overall great start.
I don't understand the interaction between Thaddeus and Gwen. She immediately seems like a girl who doesn't take shit from people, so why would she put up with Thaddeus questioning her in what I assume to be a critical tone? Especially if she's already pissed off?
With the relationship that Matt and AJ appear to have, the whole assistant manager George Washington thing doesn't work - Matt would immediately know who AJ was talking about and wouldn't have to confirm it.
Why is AJ so reluctant to take the two pizzas? It is his job, afterall.
So far, I think the characters are interesting enough for good moments between each other. Good supporting characters are a must for TV, so you definitely got a strong base here.
I think the kitchen staffer might benefit from being turned into a character with a name. He doesn't have to have a big role or anything, but seems like he could turn into a fun minor character. You could even have it so that the other kitchen staffers are sort of their own clique in the pizza place and they become more than just some random person.
I'll wait to see more to be critical since I really want to see how the whole episode is handled. It's a good start, but it's too early to say if I care enough about the characters yet.
I think the whole idea is really good and I like where you are going so far. It really starts to get interesting when there is the mix up with the delivery boxes. I am interested to see where you go with that because it has potential to be really funny.
I like the Matthew character. I know it's a small part so far but it's interesting to see the different kind of people these delivery guys meet. I'm sure there are plenty of strange people out there who would make great characters.
Ritchie said to make the kitchen staffer a character with a name and the first type of character who popped into my head was Kenneth from 30 Rock. Someone like him might be funny to add to the staff.
I would have to agree with a few of the comments about the part where A.J. says he doesnt want to deliver the pizzas. I get that he is kinda lazy like the other delivery boys, but it is his job and he was really defensive.
I would like to know see more between A.J. and his girlfriend because right now I dot know anything about their relationship other than that the have been together for a couple years. Other than that, I cant wait to read more.
Hey Lauren,
ReplyDeleteJust finished reading the first draft of your script... which I am assuming is unfinished. So far, it’s a good start. I am not quite sure where this story is going, or rather, how long it will end up being (I think you mentioned it is supposed to be a Pilot episode?).
I couldn’t find your journal in the Drop Box, so I am not quite sure what kind of film (or TV series rather) this is going to be, but I like where it’s headed. I think it is pretty funny and has somewhat of a THE OFFICE vibe going for it (zany and almost surreal cast of characters, see this “world” through the eyes of one guy, etc.)
I had some issues reading it in some places though, as some of the dialogue was a little "clunky", an example being on Page 8 when Craig says "Why does she want to talk to me and this goofy bastard if she’s the one dumping you". I had to re-read it a few times to get what you meant.
I feel that the beginning basis for most of the characters are there... but we obviously need to see more about them to get who they are... AJ is the main character who would be getting more out of life, Craig/ Ron are the lazy stoners, Gwen is the sweet but selective girlfriend, and then the rest of the pizza place are Russians. We need to care about these characters more, give them more of a voice and distinct direction.
That being said, I know that this is an unfinished script, so you probably have a lot of this taken care of in the next draft.
Good job!
I wish there was more to read, I think this is a good start but for obvious reasons I only have so much feedback to give.
ReplyDeleteInteresting cast of characters for sure and given that each character will hopefully be more than just a stereotype (slacker, stoner, russian) and have a little something extra to them I think this could be a lot of fun. It's only the start of the script, so at this point they mostly are stereotypes but that's fine, it helps to quickly establish your cast. I just hope that further in (not necessarily just in this 1 episode since it'd be a series) that each character has more to them than meets the eye.
So far, I'm liking your main character and how he more or less seems to be the only normal one of this crazy cast. I'm digging Thaddeus, so far seems like he could be a fun/ridiculous character as well.
I looked at your journal and read the description saying that the series leads him on "misadventures." That's fine, but even with just this first part of the script I'm hoping it's something more specific than just misadventures, something big that disrupts this "normal" daily life of his and the characters around him (maybe that's where you're headed with the pot in the pizza box?) Now that I think of it I should also take a closer look at your bible and that'll probably answer my question haha.
So yeah, good start, want to see more. That's about all I got at this point.
I like this beginning. I can really see the first developments of scene, character, and situation.
ReplyDeletePage 1- does that Scottsdale sign really say "Most Livable City"? I didn't know that.
This is a very mutli-cultural pizza shop. You have Russian, Italians, etc.
Funny part with the friends saying "haven't you ever wondered why we don't have girlfriends"
Page 7- "there is a deliver up" should that say "delivery" instead?
Page 9- "Let's here it" should be "hear it"
Good character development here. I like where you are headed. I am a little confused on Ron's role. Is he a drug dealer but also a part of the pizza shop management? Does Thad not know about the pot situation?
Can't wait to see what you are developing next.
Pg1 - The first bit of action can be compressed into something that flows better. It's very wordy right now. There are a lot of words that could be omitted, condensing this bit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, be careful with opening your show with a wake up scene. It's been done a million times before and unless it has something particularly original about it, then that' all it will be, just another wake up morning montage scene. Right now the scene's only purpose is to show he's waking up, probably going to work. I think you need a better opening. Come up with something that hasn't been done before. It just so reminiscent of so much else, Clerks specifically. It also doesn't give any real insight into the character other than that he is perfectly average, nothing that really grabs me as the reader.
I know this is only the beginning of the script, but so far, nothing of terrible interest is really happening. An ordinary guy gets up for work. He is greeted by the stereotypical foreign cook and angry girlfriend. We have no insight into his life or the people in it other than their stereotypes. As is now, I don't care if he gets dumped or not, and that seems to be the central conflict thus far. His character seems to exist soley to whine about how he thinks he is getting dumped and he seems far too willing to just open up to everyone around him, makes him seem pathetic, which isn't a quality the hero should have. I guess it could work if there was something endearing about him, but so far there isn't.
You've got a good basic structure going on, but there needs to be more of a conflict other than, I think I'm getting dumped. I think you could really benefit from fleshing out one or two relationships in this beginning part of the episode and addressing the nature of the beast while doing so. Figure out some original way to retell this story.
Hey Lauren I like this.
ReplyDeleteBut is it a TV script or film?
I like when Gwen mocks Thad by standing at attention. Very funny.
I like the close ups of Eddy and Craig showing why they cant get girlfriends.
Craig's line of "we are talking" hilarious!
It got a whole lot more interesting when Ron puts marijuana into a pizza box.
But it ended so fast. I want more!
But what you do have is great. I really like where this is going. Can't wait to see what happens next!
Pg 1. First how long is the first part of short going to be? Is it a montage? Also when Ron talks I’m not sure I believe he’s Russian from the way he’s talking. Maybe find some help with Russian dialect.
ReplyDeletePg 2. Does A.J. go into his bosses room or is he just saying hi from the doorway. I think when Gwen has her first line it should read “oh…it’s you” or maybe just “Oh…You.” Sounds more realistic.
Pg 3. I like the part of her scowling before turning to talk to her manager. Very realistic and funny.
Pg 7. Loved the conversation between the guys they seem a lot like people I know and could definitely see this happen.
Pg 8. So A.J. knows Drewer? Does he know him well this part kind of confuses me doesn’t make that much sense.
Pg 9. So A.J. understands something. It doesn’t make sense at all why he just sat down and then leaves. Maybe a little bit more of a back story or something.
Pg 10. When Thaddeus talks to A.J. about delivering pizza he says “if you do not comply” this really doesn’t seem like someone would say this in real life especially a Russian. Maybe a different word there. I feel that A.J. got the realization to talk to Gwen but then he see’s Gwen and walks away. Not sure this makes sense to me.
Good start. But the story isn’t finished. Not sure where the story is going and what the story is about. Dialogue seems pretty good need to work out a few kinks but overall great start.
How are we going to know Ron's illegal?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the interaction between Thaddeus and Gwen. She immediately seems like a girl who doesn't take shit from people, so why would she put up with Thaddeus questioning her in what I assume to be a critical tone? Especially if she's already pissed off?
With the relationship that Matt and AJ appear to have, the whole assistant manager George Washington thing doesn't work - Matt would immediately know who AJ was talking about and wouldn't have to confirm it.
Why is AJ so reluctant to take the two pizzas? It is his job, afterall.
So far, I think the characters are interesting enough for good moments between each other. Good supporting characters are a must for TV, so you definitely got a strong base here.
ReplyDeleteI think the kitchen staffer might benefit from being turned into a character with a name. He doesn't have to have a big role or anything, but seems like he could turn into a fun minor character. You could even have it so that the other kitchen staffers are sort of their own clique in the pizza place and they become more than just some random person.
I'll wait to see more to be critical since I really want to see how the whole episode is handled. It's a good start, but it's too early to say if I care enough about the characters yet.
I think the whole idea is really good and I like where you are going so far. It really starts to get interesting when there is the mix up with the delivery boxes. I am interested to see where you go with that because it has potential to be really funny.
ReplyDeleteI like the Matthew character. I know it's a small part so far but it's interesting to see the different kind of people these delivery guys meet. I'm sure there are plenty of strange people out there who would make great characters.
Ritchie said to make the kitchen staffer a character with a name and the first type of character who popped into my head was Kenneth from 30 Rock. Someone like him might be funny to add to the staff.
I would have to agree with a few of the comments about the part where A.J. says he doesnt want to deliver the pizzas. I get that he is kinda lazy like the other delivery boys, but it is his job and he was really defensive.
I would like to know see more between A.J. and his girlfriend because right now I dot know anything about their relationship other than that the have been together for a couple years. Other than that, I cant wait to read more.