Your dialogue flows very nicely. Even though there's quite a bit of it, it all flows together and it all seems necessary to the conversation at hand. It really sounds how these two characters would or do speak if they were real. It just jumps off the page into muh brain.
I would work on the part where things start to get depressing after the coffee shop. It was something like - happy, happy, sad, sad - for the first four moments in time. It just dragged for me. I'm thinking you might want to jumble up the beginning a little more like you did in the second half of the script. Because of that the ending was more engaging than the beginning, though, the beginning was engaging as well, just, not so much, in comparison.
There is some great natural dialogue between the characters here. It's very conversational, but I think there is some missed comedy bits in the beginning when Dianne and Adam start talking. Adam should stand up off the seat hesitantly after she mentions the nudes.
I was a tad bit confused when reading the script. I kept getting the young and old Dianne and Adam mixed up in my head. The distinction between the characters should be clear enough to tell the difference just by the dialogue. People do change, they keep some of the same quirks but they do change over time.
This screenplay reminded me a lot of the beginning of UP. I thought it was really cool seeing a story like this with dialogue, it really shows how life doesn't go as planned and so many people just settle. I like how the story is driven by dialogue and not so much action as many other stories are. You could really use color in the final production to show the contrast between past and present. I would like to see more of the characters showing affection towards each other, or maybe the opposite depending on which way you want to go with it.
Quick easy flow between the characters. I can definitely picture the story unfolding. Interesting concept about the non-linear style and I like how it begins at point A and ends at point B but the middle kind of throws you for a loop. It kind of reminds me of When Harry Met Sally+A lot Like Love+The Family Man. Dialogue has some cute/corny lines that I think work well for the characters. I like the development also over time of their relationship. Would you really want to leave your audience in a cliff hanger though? Perhaps throwing a "Sliding Doors" twist at the end and showing two different ending possibilities would be fun.
I am excited to see how this story develops. I stand behind your passion to create a non-linear story, you pulled it off pretty well here.
I can really see this being a successful screenplay. The words exchanged between them seems natural and real. I really like the out of order/jumps in the relationship.
I feel that there is a lot of reading in-between the lines on this one. Lot of the story will be told through their actions so make good choices in casting. I think for the Diane character, you really have to be careful/picky in your choice. She seems to really stick out in my mind as a strong, defining character.
I would throw in another good memory at the end or at least near it so we all don't lose hope in relationships haha. It is nice to have a relief from the depressing vibe going on and gives the audience a break.
Other than that, I really like the character development of how lovey dovey they are in the begging to not so much (to say the least)
You had me engaged right from the get go, I like it!
Your dialogue is good, things flow well...I almost worry if that there is too much dialogue in some parts, not worried in terms of your script since it feels natural even with a lot of dialogue, but for the sake of things come shoot time. I feel like less dialogue will give your actors more room to become the part in their own way. It's almost like your dialogue belongs in a novel and not in a screenplay. That's a compliment, too haha. However, I only think it'll be a problem if you're a Nazi director that makes sure your actors hit every single syllable as you wrote it.
Like I said, this is solid. But part of me feels like there is something, one last "something" at the end (or maybe not at the end since it's nonlinear) that's missing. I think what I'm looking for is something between these two characters that gets even more in depth that raises the stakes of the situation even higher. Whatever this something is, if it exists outside of my brain, I feel like it's the one thing that can make this good short a great short.
D1 - √ SCRIPT 3; at this point I had the general note that I find the dialogue intriguing, but something seems missing; i don't quite get there relationship and why there is so much "semi-candor"; why's he asking all these questions and what about their relationship allows him to do so? 4; "DIANNE You ask a lot of questions. Why do you need to know? ADAM Because I was going to have lunch with somebody who just canceled." -ok this explains it to some degree, but his answer is confusing 4; these aren't major problems; you just need to make who they are and their relationship a bit more clear; small tweak 8; i'm not sure what is happening in this scene; does she want to get together and he not? 11; DIANNE Starting our lives? We’re not out of school yet. -I'm confused; did we flashback? I thought they were out of school. 13; when Adam is "...driving alone." this is a new scene. 14; "DIANNE No... another you." -this is a nice line overall, I think you are doing a time fractured narrative, which is fine, though I'm not sure it completely comes through in the script. you might look at 21 Grams to see how they did it. (that films wasn't written that way, not just edited that way. amazing.)
i'm also not sure where the story conflict is here. you can make a story out of "two people who missed their chance at love get one more chance", but you have to make more drama out of the second chance. we have to know the stakes and what is getting in the way in terms of SPECIFIC story events, not just general character flaws (i.e. fear of commitment)
you have a pretty good ear for dialogue; felt pretty real; compelling start; good luck
FJ "What ideas and themes do you want to communicate? The idea I want to communicate is that relationships and nurturing one another are what help the creative prosses, the other is a concept of fate." -not coming through; let's discuss Why do you think you're project is going to be great? What do you love about it? (Convey your passion.) My Project is going to be great because I love my script. Maybe it's not everybody's cup of tea, but I've ALWAYS wanted a non-linear story about a relationship -Loving your script is not why it's going to be great. There have been many a script loved by their authors that didn't end up great. You did a nice job with the non-linearity especially considering that you didn't state where we were in time. "I want to manipulate you and make you cry." -don't manipulate your audience; dance with them; you lead, they follow based on your elevator pitch and brief synopsis, I would say that you're not setting up the fact that they had this amazing creative outflow while they were together; you have to intoxicate us with that if you are going to try to convey the feeling of loss that comes from giving that up moral is coming through - sort of. but what they learn, that's not really coming through. you are right that you need great naturalistic actors especially for this piece why does the moment in ESoftheSM remind you of your epiphany? also, your answer to the epiphany question ("The very very very very end.") isn't sufficient. You need to describe the moment (i.e. When Luke Skywalker is racing his ship down the canyon of the Death Star and suddenly hears Obie Won say, "Use the Force, Luke." This is when he realizes that he needs to trust his spiritual side.) Where are the rest of your casting notes from the journal? No pics??
- I like the beat changes in the dialogue. Makes the scene flow really well and brings out the characters. However, I don’t like Adams line “How about some lunch after this? Then you can ask me questions. It’s only fair. I can tell you about the acting trade.” I like this except for the last sentence it makes him seem conceited. I really like the transitioning to the next scene where they are older and meeting again for the first time in a while it’s a great scene to go to next. However, again Adams line “yeah, yeah okay…” Just doesn’t seem to flow with the rest maybe he say something about how great the coffee shop is then ask if he could treat her to some coffee. I like the order of the scenes it really flows well. Once it gets to the Interior Apartment – Day scene I kind of get lost at why Adam is driving and then sits on a bench. I would either have him sitting on a bench alone, in the car, or have him sitting on a bench next to his car. I like how you ended the script however, I would play around with the dialogue a bit it’s a bit melodramatic. I really do like the line from Dianne “no…another you.” That’s great, love that it really brings out emotions. Overall, I like that you focused on the dialogue instead of the action, definitely makes for a great and really realistic script.
I really liked this.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue flows very nicely. Even though there's quite a bit of it, it all flows together and it all seems necessary to the conversation at hand. It really sounds how these two characters would or do speak if they were real. It just jumps off the page into muh brain.
I would work on the part where things start to get depressing after the coffee shop. It was something like - happy, happy, sad, sad - for the first four moments in time. It just dragged for me. I'm thinking you might want to jumble up the beginning a little more like you did in the second half of the script. Because of that the ending was more engaging than the beginning, though, the beginning was engaging as well, just, not so much, in comparison.
There is some great natural dialogue between the characters here. It's very conversational, but I think there is some missed comedy bits in the beginning when Dianne and Adam start talking. Adam should stand up off the seat hesitantly after she mentions the nudes.
ReplyDeleteI was a tad bit confused when reading the script. I kept getting the young and old Dianne and Adam mixed up in my head. The distinction between the characters should be clear enough to tell the difference just by the dialogue. People do change, they keep some of the same quirks but they do change over time.
This screenplay reminded me a lot of the beginning of UP. I thought it was really cool seeing a story like this with dialogue, it really shows how life doesn't go as planned and so many people just settle. I like how the story is driven by dialogue and not so much action as many other stories are. You could really use color in the final production to show the contrast between past and present. I would like to see more of the characters showing affection towards each other, or maybe the opposite depending on which way you want to go with it.
ReplyDeleteQuick easy flow between the characters. I can definitely picture the story unfolding. Interesting concept about the non-linear style and I like how it begins at point A and ends at point B but the middle kind of throws you for a loop. It kind of reminds me of When Harry Met Sally+A lot Like Love+The Family Man. Dialogue has some cute/corny lines that I think work well for the characters. I like the development also over time of their relationship. Would you really want to leave your audience in a cliff hanger though? Perhaps throwing a "Sliding Doors" twist at the end and showing two different ending possibilities would be fun.
ReplyDeleteI am excited to see how this story develops. I stand behind your passion to create a non-linear story, you pulled it off pretty well here.
I can really see this being a successful screenplay. The words exchanged between them seems natural and real. I really like the out of order/jumps in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI feel that there is a lot of reading in-between the lines on this one. Lot of the story will be told through their actions so make good choices in casting. I think for the Diane character, you really have to be careful/picky in your choice. She seems to really stick out in my mind as a strong, defining character.
I would throw in another good memory at the end or at least near it so we all don't lose hope in relationships haha. It is nice to have a relief from the depressing vibe going on and gives the audience a break.
Other than that, I really like the character development of how lovey dovey they are in the begging to not so much (to say the least)
You had me engaged right from the get go, I like it!
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue is good, things flow well...I almost worry if that there is too much dialogue in some parts, not worried in terms of your script since it feels natural even with a lot of dialogue, but for the sake of things come shoot time. I feel like less dialogue will give your actors more room to become the part in their own way. It's almost like your dialogue belongs in a novel and not in a screenplay. That's a compliment, too haha. However, I only think it'll be a problem if you're a Nazi director that makes sure your actors hit every single syllable as you wrote it.
Like I said, this is solid. But part of me feels like there is something, one last "something" at the end (or maybe not at the end since it's nonlinear) that's missing. I think what I'm looking for is something between these two characters that gets even more in depth that raises the stakes of the situation even higher. Whatever this something is, if it exists outside of my brain, I feel like it's the one thing that can make this good short a great short.
Looking forward to more.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
3; at this point I had the general note that I find the dialogue intriguing, but something seems missing; i don't quite get there relationship and why there is so much "semi-candor"; why's he asking all these questions and what about their relationship allows him to do so?
4; "DIANNE You ask a lot of questions. Why do you need to know?
ADAM Because I was going to have lunch with somebody who just canceled."
-ok this explains it to some degree, but his answer is confusing
4; these aren't major problems; you just need to make who they are and their relationship a bit more clear; small tweak
8; i'm not sure what is happening in this scene; does she want to get together and he not?
11; DIANNE Starting our lives? We’re not out of school yet.
-I'm confused; did we flashback? I thought they were out of school.
13; when Adam is "...driving alone." this is a new scene.
14; "DIANNE No... another you."
-this is a nice line
overall, I think you are doing a time fractured narrative, which is fine, though I'm not sure it completely comes through in the script. you might look at 21 Grams to see how they did it. (that films wasn't written that way, not just edited that way. amazing.)
i'm also not sure where the story conflict is here. you can make a story out of "two people who missed their chance at love get one more chance", but you have to make more drama out of the second chance. we have to know the stakes and what is getting in the way in terms of SPECIFIC story events, not just general character flaws (i.e. fear of commitment)
you have a pretty good ear for dialogue; felt pretty real; compelling start; good luck
FJ
"What ideas and themes do you want to communicate?
The idea I want to communicate is that relationships and nurturing one another are what help the creative prosses, the other is a concept of fate."
-not coming through; let's discuss
Why do you think you're project is going to be great? What do you love about it? (Convey your passion.) My Project is going to be great because I love my script. Maybe it's not everybody's cup of tea, but I've ALWAYS wanted a non-linear story about a relationship
-Loving your script is not why it's going to be great. There have been many a script loved by their authors that didn't end up great. You did a nice job with the non-linearity especially considering that you didn't state where we were in time.
"I want to manipulate you and make you cry."
-don't manipulate your audience; dance with them; you lead, they follow
based on your elevator pitch and brief synopsis, I would say that you're not setting up the fact that they had this amazing creative outflow while they were together; you have to intoxicate us with that if you are going to try to convey the feeling of loss that comes from giving that up
moral is coming through - sort of. but what they learn, that's not really coming through.
you are right that you need great naturalistic actors especially for this piece
why does the moment in ESoftheSM remind you of your epiphany? also, your answer to the epiphany question ("The very very very very end.") isn't sufficient. You need to describe the moment (i.e. When Luke Skywalker is racing his ship down the canyon of the Death Star and suddenly hears Obie Won say, "Use the Force, Luke." This is when he realizes that he needs to trust his spiritual side.)
Where are the rest of your casting notes from the journal? No pics??
D2
DUE:
write both stories separately
D3
DUE:
hair and make-up tests for the aging
- I like the beat changes in the dialogue. Makes the scene flow really well and brings out the characters. However, I don’t like Adams line “How about some lunch after this? Then you can ask me questions. It’s only fair. I can tell you about the acting trade.” I like this except for the last sentence it makes him seem conceited. I really like the transitioning to the next scene where they are older and meeting again for the first time in a while it’s a great scene to go to next. However, again Adams line “yeah, yeah okay…” Just doesn’t seem to flow with the rest maybe he say something about how great the coffee shop is then ask if he could treat her to some coffee. I like the order of the scenes it really flows well. Once it gets to the Interior Apartment – Day scene I kind of get lost at why Adam is driving and then sits on a bench. I would either have him sitting on a bench alone, in the car, or have him sitting on a bench next to his car. I like how you ended the script however, I would play around with the dialogue a bit it’s a bit melodramatic. I really do like the line from Dianne “no…another you.” That’s great, love that it really brings out emotions. Overall, I like that you focused on the dialogue instead of the action, definitely makes for a great and really realistic script.
ReplyDelete