I really like your story. It has a really good message to it. Only thing is that I'd like to see his moment of realization a little more. Edgar and Jessica's argument is resolved so quickly it almost seems too easy. But I do think it's cool that he ultimately accepts it and just learns to enjoy life. I think it will be a really good film!
ritchie! I really enjoyed the concept that the script was based on, though i think maybe it could use some work. After reading the script, I had an idea of what "I thought" the film was about. I discovered that the moral was the same as what you thought. I then read the journal and noticed some things that I hadnt noticed in the script. You say that Edgar was focused just on death and in trying to find a way to avoid his death. The characters around him tell him that he focuses on death way too much and that he is not living his life out. I would like to see more of this in his actions and what he does. How does he dwell on death? Maybe its just me, but it didnt seem that way at all when i first read the script. it sounded like it was just a guy who knew when everyone was going to die, and he liked sharing it with people. anyway, very cool script, i know this is going to be an awesome short!
This is a really good story. It kind of reminded me of Wanted in the sense that the main character narrates as the audience watches something different on the screen. I'm curious if all the stats are true?
The best line for me was: life's too short to be sitting around waiting to die. Awesome. I think the dialogue between Edgar and Emma needs improvement though. I felt that he jumped to his big question too soon. I mean she just lost the love of her life and he's asking what if scenarious. Or maybe that's how you envisioned your character.
All in all this film sends a really good message and I look forward to seeing it develop.
Interesting concept to know your date of death. I find it funny that the Grandpa's journal had the formula in it.
Page 4 the fight between Jessica and Edgar- I don't think Jess needs to say "when we were having sex" just because the sounds and the fact that she comes out of the room half dressed tells the audience that they were having sex, and Edgar tells his buddy later anyway. Also, she seems upset like this is the first time this has happened and yet she says "why do you always have to do this" I think if she knew from the beginning that he knew his death and stuff they would have established that she didn't want to know when she was going to die, so perhaps she could say something like "I said I don't want to know about that stuff Edgar" or something similar.
I like the end when he finally takes his friend Terry's advice to heart. The resolution seems to come rather quickly though. You could try putting some more time that Edgar thinks about living the last 7 months of his life without Jessica.
I think this is a really good start, I think it's going to end up being a very interesting film. Here's some things I have to say:
-I see where you're coming from with Edgar being happy that Terry died because it proves his death theory, but maybe he should be more depressed and insane. I mean, it's his good friend from childhood - even though Edgar likes his theory to be proven right, he has to be upset that this time it wasn't proven wrong
-Terry wanting everyone to be 'piss drunk' is cliche, as is a lot of Emma's dialogue. Work on her character and simply saying that Terry was 'a good man' is enough.
-Are the statistics real?
-I think it would be neat if Edgar had a watch that counted down to his death time, instead of it being superimposed on the screen.
Great start man, I enjoyed the whole idea and how its told through his perspective. I feel that the pacing is just right for this short and I like how the ending felt open ended, will he die/live? The message of this story is great and more people should live by it.
I really didn't have any issues in particular, if anything see if you can build Emma's character more during her conversation with Edgar. Perhaps he can dive more into the relationship issues he is having with Jessica and getting a different view point from Emma.
Hey buddy, Sorry for such a late reply... I was moving all weekend and didn't have access to the Internet until now (no excuse I know!).
I really liked it. I think that the opening to film is REALLY good and well written. The whole V.O. works great throughout the film, but it is pitch perfect in the beginning. It grabbed my attention and I was hooked to see where it took me... I don’t know what happened to your original idea with hit men, but I really like this idea better. It’s different, which is important.
I think that you have really great dialogue in this script. It was quick and witty, and made the characters interesting.
I got a little confused with the whole Terry/ Edgar name situation, but I think that is just cause I am slow. I wasn’t realizing who was who in some parts. I also agree with Brian in that I want to know more about Emma/ Edgar's relationship... is there a history there or was she just Terry's wife? I think that we should know more about her relationship in the whole scheme of things. Also, did she know about the death equation or was that something Terry kept out of his personal life?
The biggest issue I had was with the ending. I like that it kind of ends on a ambiguous ending... you don’t know if he will live/ die, but I felt him saying that "its a good day for a jog" was kind of hokey. I think that you should have something that is less "suburban" (is that a good way?)... it should be darker (like the rest of the film…. Or I guess the lighter ending is more important as it IS the opposite of the rest of the film, which is the point!). I don’t know how to write it… but it is something I would like to talk to you about in person.
Overall, I am really happy with where this is going… and cant wait to see how it turns out. Great start!
I like your idea and it works well for a short. I don't know how dark you want to get with this, but a few things popped up in my head while I was reading this.
What if Terry was in fact his brother? I think it could make the scene with his wife more interesting. Also the scene with the friend seems to simple, I would love to see you try expressing humor through other avenues besides dialogue, perhaps through his day to day life. I like how he knows statistics, maybe extend on that?
Overall I really like it ! I look forward to talking to you tomorrow about it.
p.s Page six, Typo '...better off' - if you didn't catch it already.
This story really makes you think. I totally get the message of living your life to the fullest while you are alive. The voice overs were great, they totally worked with the story and the voice over stats chimed in at just the right time. It set a really good pace for the story.
Someone mentioned making Terri his brother and I think that may not be such a bad idea. Especially since they were together when they discovered the book. Also, if Edgar and Terri were childhood friends even though Edgar knew when Terri would die, I would think he would be a little more upset about the news especially since it seems like he has this underlying hope that the formula is wrong.
I agree with Dominique that Edgar really jumped into his big question with Emma. Other than that I really enjoyed the story and can't wait to hear more about it.
Hey great start. I like the idea of how he knows when he is going to die. It kinda reminds me of The Number 23 with the calculations.
I think you can make the character go a little more crazy knowing that he is going to die. I feel that he could get a lot more emotional and more of a inner struggle.
Also, the end seems a little bit cheesy. I know you are trying to convey a message but I would make the wording a little different, still getting the point across but not being as direct. Just have the message be in between the lines (I'm havin the same problem)
Other than that, just keep writing more inner conflict. I like it! Very cool. I can see a lot of cool effects and shots with this one
D1 √ 1ST DRAFT I like the title 1; GREAT open; but make it longer; more near misses; LOVE the fact that it's not him who dies 3; "JESSICA You were doing math. When we were having sex? What the hell is wrong with you, Edgar?" - funny 5; "HARRY You brought up death during sex? What’s wrong with you?" - funny, but story starting to slow down 6/7; something off about his finding out about Terry 9; good convo btwn Ed and Em 12; look very carefully at the end of the scene with Jess; what would have happened if she had kicked him out? where would that have taken your story? general: i like this a lot; you write very well. strong ear for dialogue. but the ending is very unsatisfying. and the better you start, the more frustrating a bad ending is. and that's the case here. you have a great start, but you have to get him on a better story track where he learns to live. obviously watch groundhog day; and Ikiru
FJ I'm not getting the feeling of upliftment you speak of; story not compelling enough; we have to see how he comes to learn how to live for the day! no problems with cliches as sometimes they are universal truths that need to be told again and again Am Beauty and Lester arc is related to your film, but i'm not sure this is where Lester has his epiphany; it would serve you to find that moment for Lester; get back to me on that. I would have liked some pics for your casting notes
I really like your story. It has a really good message to it. Only thing is that I'd like to see his moment of realization a little more. Edgar and Jessica's argument is resolved so quickly it almost seems too easy. But I do think it's cool that he ultimately accepts it and just learns to enjoy life. I think it will be a really good film!
ReplyDeleteritchie!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the concept that the script was based on, though i think maybe it could use some work. After reading the script, I had an idea of what "I thought" the film was about. I discovered that the moral was the same as what you thought. I then read the journal and noticed some things that I hadnt noticed in the script. You say that Edgar was focused just on death and in trying to find a way to avoid his death. The characters around him tell him that he focuses on death way too much and that he is not living his life out. I would like to see more of this in his actions and what he does. How does he dwell on death?
Maybe its just me, but it didnt seem that way at all when i first read the script. it sounded like it was just a guy who knew when everyone was going to die, and he liked sharing it with people. anyway, very cool script, i know this is going to be an awesome short!
This is a really good story. It kind of reminded me of Wanted in the sense that the main character narrates as the audience watches something different on the screen. I'm curious if all the stats are true?
ReplyDeleteThe best line for me was: life's too short to be sitting around waiting to die. Awesome. I think the dialogue between Edgar and Emma needs improvement though. I felt that he jumped to his big question too soon. I mean she just lost the love of her life and he's asking what if scenarious. Or maybe that's how you envisioned your character.
All in all this film sends a really good message and I look forward to seeing it develop.
Interesting concept to know your date of death. I find it funny that the Grandpa's journal had the formula in it.
ReplyDeletePage 4 the fight between Jessica and Edgar- I don't think Jess needs to say "when we were having sex" just because the sounds and the fact that she comes out of the room half dressed tells the audience that they were having sex, and Edgar tells his buddy later anyway. Also, she seems upset like this is the first time this has happened and yet she says "why do you always have to do this" I think if she knew from the beginning that he knew his death and stuff they would have established that she didn't want to know when she was going to die, so perhaps she could say something like "I said I don't want to know about that stuff Edgar" or something similar.
I like the end when he finally takes his friend Terry's advice to heart. The resolution seems to come rather quickly though. You could try putting some more time that Edgar thinks about living the last 7 months of his life without Jessica.
I think this is a really good start, I think it's going to end up being a very interesting film. Here's some things I have to say:
ReplyDelete-I see where you're coming from with Edgar being happy that Terry died because it proves his death theory, but maybe he should be more depressed and insane. I mean, it's his good friend from childhood - even though Edgar likes his theory to be proven right, he has to be upset that this time it wasn't proven wrong
-Terry wanting everyone to be 'piss drunk' is cliche, as is a lot of Emma's dialogue. Work on her character and simply saying that Terry was 'a good man' is enough.
-Are the statistics real?
-I think it would be neat if Edgar had a watch that counted down to his death time, instead of it being superimposed on the screen.
Great start man, I enjoyed the whole idea and how its told through his perspective. I feel that the pacing is just right for this short and I like how the ending felt open ended, will he die/live? The message of this story is great and more people should live by it.
ReplyDeleteI really didn't have any issues in particular, if anything see if you can build Emma's character more during her conversation with Edgar. Perhaps he can dive more into the relationship issues he is having with Jessica and getting a different view point from Emma.
Looking forward to next deliverable sir!
Hey buddy,
ReplyDeleteSorry for such a late reply... I was moving all weekend and didn't have access to the Internet until now (no excuse I know!).
I really liked it. I think that the opening to film is REALLY good and well written. The whole V.O. works great throughout the film, but it is pitch perfect in the beginning. It grabbed my attention and I was hooked to see where it took me... I don’t know what happened to your original idea with hit men, but I really like this idea better. It’s different, which is important.
I think that you have really great dialogue in this script. It was quick and witty, and made the characters interesting.
I got a little confused with the whole Terry/ Edgar name situation, but I think that is just cause I am slow. I wasn’t realizing who was who in some parts. I also agree with Brian in that I want to know more about Emma/ Edgar's relationship... is there a history there or was she just Terry's wife? I think that we should know more about her relationship in the whole scheme of things. Also, did she know about the death equation or was that something Terry kept out of his personal life?
The biggest issue I had was with the ending. I like that it kind of ends on a ambiguous ending... you don’t know if he will live/ die, but I felt him saying that "its a good day for a jog" was kind of hokey. I think that you should have something that is less "suburban" (is that a good way?)... it should be darker (like the rest of the film…. Or I guess the lighter ending is more important as it IS the opposite of the rest of the film, which is the point!). I don’t know how to write it… but it is something I would like to talk to you about in person.
Overall, I am really happy with where this is going… and cant wait to see how it turns out. Great start!
Very interesting concept. Everyone definitely thinks about death and when you’re going to die, it’s a scary thought to have an equation of your time of death. You probably would be like Edgar and think about death all the time. I’m amazed that Jessica would have stuck with him must have been quite morbid at times. I really like the beginning V.O. of Edgar giving the facts about peoples death. Now in the scene on page 2 are we going to be seeing Terry and Edgar as young boys or just the formula things. You could do it as a flashback or in recent times and have it look like it’s in an attic and dust covered. On page 7 Harry says “I’m sorry for your loss. Or should I congratulations?” Probably just a typo but I would put in “or should I give my congratulations?” At the bottom of page 7 he says “odds of death in a plane accident. One in a million. Still, I should stay grounded when my time comes” And at the end of your script he goes for a jog. If he thought he would die if he got on a plane wouldn’t he also avoid jogging which is what killed Terry? Or maybe he’s going to go jogging because he changed his life and was living it instead of thinking about death? Maybe at the end he shouldn’t go jogging because we don’t see him jog in the film. Maybe he went out to get the paper or he leaves to go to work? Something different so it’s not to cliché. Overall love the idea very interesting can’t wait to see this made ☺
ReplyDeleteRitchie...nice work man.
ReplyDeleteI like your idea and it works well for a short. I don't know how dark you want to get with this, but a few things popped up in my head while I was reading this.
What if Terry was in fact his brother? I think it could make the scene with his wife more interesting.
Also the scene with the friend seems to simple, I would love to see you try expressing humor through other avenues besides dialogue, perhaps through his day to day life. I like how he knows statistics, maybe extend on that?
Overall I really like it ! I look forward to talking to you tomorrow about it.
p.s Page six, Typo '...better off' - if you didn't catch it already.
This story really makes you think. I totally get the message of living your life to the fullest while you are alive. The voice overs were great, they totally worked with the story and the voice over stats chimed in at just the right time. It set a really good pace for the story.
ReplyDeleteSomeone mentioned making Terri his brother and I think that may not be such a bad idea. Especially since they were together when they discovered the book. Also, if Edgar and Terri were childhood friends even though Edgar knew when Terri would die, I would think he would be a little more upset about the news especially since it seems like he has this underlying hope that the formula is wrong.
I agree with Dominique that Edgar really jumped into his big question with Emma. Other than that I really enjoyed the story and can't wait to hear more about it.
Hey great start. I like the idea of how he knows when he is going to die. It kinda reminds me of The Number 23 with the calculations.
ReplyDeleteI think you can make the character go a little more crazy knowing that he is going to die. I feel that he could get a lot more emotional and more of a inner struggle.
Also, the end seems a little bit cheesy. I know you are trying to convey a message but I would make the wording a little different, still getting the point across but not being as direct. Just have the message be in between the lines (I'm havin the same problem)
Other than that, just keep writing more inner conflict. I like it! Very cool. I can see a lot of cool effects and shots with this one
D1 √
ReplyDelete1ST DRAFT
I like the title
1; GREAT open; but make it longer; more near misses; LOVE the fact that it's not him who dies
3; "JESSICA You were doing math. When we were having sex? What the hell is wrong with you, Edgar?"
- funny
5; "HARRY You brought up death during sex? What’s wrong with you?"
- funny, but story starting to slow down
6/7; something off about his finding out about Terry
9; good convo btwn Ed and Em
12; look very carefully at the end of the scene with Jess; what would have happened if she had kicked him out? where would that have taken your story?
general: i like this a lot; you write very well. strong ear for dialogue. but the ending is very unsatisfying. and the better you start, the more frustrating a bad ending is. and that's the case here. you have a great start, but you have to get him on a better story track where he learns to live. obviously watch groundhog day; and Ikiru
FJ
I'm not getting the feeling of upliftment you speak of; story not compelling enough; we have to see how he comes to learn how to live for the day!
no problems with cliches as sometimes they are universal truths that need to be told again and again
Am Beauty and Lester arc is related to your film, but i'm not sure this is where Lester has his epiphany; it would serve you to find that moment for Lester; get back to me on that.
I would have liked some pics for your casting notes