I like this new version of the script. I found a typo on page 6 that said "impact is harah but" was "harah" supposed to be "hard"? What do you mean when you said "he begins to feel a smell in his nose" on page 7?
I really like the imaginary farm scene, I think is helps keep the audience with Happy's goal of finding Frank.
Also, you decided to use the narrator only for the end, which seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe you should use the narrator to talk about Happy, Frank, and the little boy. Because we still only show the dad but we never know that he actually IS the father. Also, we still don't know how we know the names of Happy and Frank.
I like the desert trek and then the big thorny patch. It really drives home the fact that this is a mega journey for this little hamster. The ending with Happy falling to the ground and having his bones crushed is great. I want to see how that will look on screen!
This version of the script is much stronger than the first. There is a very strong goal in mind and the dangers faced along the way are more menacing this time around. Especially the vast stretch of desert and some of the other hazards along the way.
I like the final narration when Happy is swooped up by the hawk. It gives it more of a final message, like a moral to the story. Good touch.
Are you any closer to having a working stop motion figure for Happy? I would be interested to see how they look and what sort of feel they would give the film.
Based off the comments before me, I'm almost wondering if I read the correct script. I double checked, and I am pretty sure I am.
The reason I say that is because from what I remember, this isn't too different from your first draft. Don't get me wrong, I like your story and want to see this get made but there doesn't seem to be much new content to give feedback on.
With that said, here is what I've got. I'm curious how you will visually show some of the moments you've written in your script - basically all of the hamster's thoughts. For example, how will we really know that Happy leaves the mice behind because they will not let him leave due to the danger of the world?
Good addition with the fantasy/daydream scene. It more clearly depicts Happy's motivation behind his entire journey.
This last one is minor and can be easily fixed with some dialogue changes if you decide to, but at the beginning the Father says "Oh crap, not again." This implies that it has happened before and I just began to wonder why the son wouldn't have any clue at all to what actually happened or, at the least, be so worried/confused when Frank is gone. Again, it's minor but just something I picked up on this time around.
Pg9 - I think you need to flesh out the fact that the mice are a danger to Happy. It seems like not enough time passes, nor do they particularly do anything to set off such an alarm causing Happy to need to escape them. I feel like he needs to be thwarted or they actually need to prevent him from leaving to really get this point across.
Pg10 - Again like my last suggestion, it seems like there's something in your head but it isn't exactly getting across in your script. You say Happy needs sees the front door and needs to get there as soon as possible. Why? There needs to be something going on, something visual or some conflict to really spur him forward.
Pg13 - I think the lawn gnome part is really funny, but I don't know if that sense of urgency is going to be gotten across with the lawn gnome alone. Maybe something bigger is going on around him that makes Happy believe the lawn gnome is a threat. For example, you could have a lawn mower turn on, but he's so small he can't comprehend what is going on so all he puts together is the loud noise and wind blowing to be associated with this new threat that is the gnome.
Overall I really like the story, like before. I think the ending narration needs some work to make it sound more fantastical, but other than that I get what you want from it and it's good. The only thing you really need to work on is that sense of urgency and conflict. Right now, as I read it now, it's a lot of walking and implied danger, but there's needs to be something going on so the audience gets that idea visually.
hey nick I really enjoyed reading the script again. I have to admit I really like the fact the mice come to Happy's rescue since they know ALLL about mouse traps, i read from the script that Happy doesnt believe that the mice will allow him to leave so he must sneak out unnoticed. It seems to me like just a quick fix almost to keep the story moving. I personally really like the fact the mice are there. maybe there is someway that they can help happy on his journey?
From your film makers journal im really excited to see that you want to do quick cuts and maybe make it as though it were from a handheld camera. Do you intend to move the camera bit by bit to create that effect? I think that it would add a whole other dimension and make it feel like its THAT much more urgent. I love this project, things seem like they are coming along :)
hey I think that his is much more improved! I feel I really got a sense of the story more and there is no confusion. I think you laid the beginning out very nicely. Its very quick and to the point, not leaving the audience wondering what is going on.
I feel there might need to be more with the mice family. It seems quite quick.
I really like the flash of the farm idea.
I was wondering how you are going to let the audience know of Happy's feelings in places like "Happy sighs at the though of the comfort of his old cage but ...has a new life now on filled with adventure and excitiment" Maybe a thought bubble overhead? Or going to have narration over this.
Hey Nick, This script doesn't feel all that different but since I didn't give you feedback the first time around I'll go ahead here.
I think the story is fun and the whole idea of the journey through the Odyssey is intriguing.
Quick thoughts: Perhaps something could flash before the hamsters eyes one final time before his death? I'm not sure what, but I feel like it would be a nice touch.
The lawn gnome bit is my favorite, but maybe there could be a gigantic gnome shadow cast for it to appear intimidating. Then once the stick bounces off we see its actual non-threatening size.
Has the dad told his son this same story before since it is happening again? Perhaps maybe he could reiterate to his son that this is the same farm all his hamsters went.
I also love the Flash animation idea. Combining two different forms of animation is awesome and inventive. I love it.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to the final product!
Really looking forward to the final project. So far it's sounding great.
In regards to Chelsea's comment on the narration, I agree that it's a little jarring because it's the first time in the entire film we get any. Killing two birds with one stone, you could use the narrator as a way to also give the audience an idea of what's going on through his head, though I'm guessing you have a plan already to show that. A little introduction narration might help give a nice bookend feel to the film as well.
In regards to the ending, I think it might be better if, just before Happy comes crashing, you fade to black and just give the sound of him hitting the ground. From what I've read, this short doesn't seem to have the tone of a movie that'd show the bloody aftermath.
Hey Nick, Just got done reading your 2nd draft (were there any changes to this version... I didnt really notice anything to big). I am really liking where this is going... it sounds like its going to be epic (Aardman Studios meets TROY). I like how much this mirrors an almost Greek tragedy (with the giant humans, the knowledgeable mice who help him the with the traps, the gnome, and the ending with the bird)... and if executed right, it should come out awesome!
I agree with some of above comments in that I think you should have narration throughout the entire film, and not just the end (as it is quite abrupt)... and make it really over-the-top and fantastic sounding (like some British Historian or something). I also think that the idea of combining a bunch of various animation styles is a good idea... just sounds kind of hard to do.
This feels like something I have never seen before, but that is a good thing. I really look forward to seeing where this goes... hopefully I will get a crack at editing it too.
I like this new version of the script. I found a typo on page 6 that said "impact is harah but" was "harah" supposed to be "hard"? What do you mean when you said "he begins to feel a smell in his nose" on page 7?
ReplyDeleteI really like the imaginary farm scene, I think is helps keep the audience with Happy's goal of finding Frank.
Also, you decided to use the narrator only for the end, which seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe you should use the narrator to talk about Happy, Frank, and the little boy. Because we still only show the dad but we never know that he actually IS the father. Also, we still don't know how we know the names of Happy and Frank.
I like the desert trek and then the big thorny patch. It really drives home the fact that this is a mega journey for this little hamster. The ending with Happy falling to the ground and having his bones crushed is great. I want to see how that will look on screen!
This version of the script is much stronger than the first. There is a very strong goal in mind and the dangers faced along the way are more menacing this time around. Especially the vast stretch of desert and some of the other hazards along the way.
ReplyDeleteI like the final narration when Happy is swooped up by the hawk. It gives it more of a final message, like a moral to the story. Good touch.
Are you any closer to having a working stop motion figure for Happy? I would be interested to see how they look and what sort of feel they would give the film.
Based off the comments before me, I'm almost wondering if I read the correct script. I double checked, and I am pretty sure I am.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I say that is because from what I remember, this isn't too different from your first draft. Don't get me wrong, I like your story and want to see this get made but there doesn't seem to be much new content to give feedback on.
With that said, here is what I've got. I'm curious how you will visually show some of the moments you've written in your script - basically all of the hamster's thoughts. For example, how will we really know that Happy leaves the mice behind because they will not let him leave due to the danger of the world?
Good addition with the fantasy/daydream scene. It more clearly depicts Happy's motivation behind his entire journey.
This last one is minor and can be easily fixed with some dialogue changes if you decide to, but at the beginning the Father says "Oh crap, not again." This implies that it has happened before and I just began to wonder why the son wouldn't have any clue at all to what actually happened or, at the least, be so worried/confused when Frank is gone. Again, it's minor but just something I picked up on this time around.
Pg9 - I think you need to flesh out the fact that the mice are a danger to Happy. It seems like not enough time passes, nor do they particularly do anything to set off such an alarm causing Happy to need to escape them. I feel like he needs to be thwarted or they actually need to prevent him from leaving to really get this point across.
ReplyDeletePg10 - Again like my last suggestion, it seems like there's something in your head but it isn't exactly getting across in your script. You say Happy needs sees the front door and needs to get there as soon as possible. Why? There needs to be something going on, something visual or some conflict to really spur him forward.
Pg13 - I think the lawn gnome part is really funny, but I don't know if that sense of urgency is going to be gotten across with the lawn gnome alone. Maybe something bigger is going on around him that makes Happy believe the lawn gnome is a threat. For example, you could have a lawn mower turn on, but he's so small he can't comprehend what is going on so all he puts together is the loud noise and wind blowing to be associated with this new threat that is the gnome.
Overall I really like the story, like before. I think the ending narration needs some work to make it sound more fantastical, but other than that I get what you want from it and it's good. The only thing you really need to work on is that sense of urgency and conflict. Right now, as I read it now, it's a lot of walking and implied danger, but there's needs to be something going on so the audience gets that idea visually.
hey nick
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading the script again. I have to admit I really like the fact the mice come to Happy's rescue since they know ALLL about mouse traps, i read from the script that Happy doesnt believe that the mice will allow him to leave so he must sneak out unnoticed. It seems to me like just a quick fix almost to keep the story moving. I personally really like the fact the mice are there. maybe there is someway that they can help happy on his journey?
From your film makers journal im really excited to see that you want to do quick cuts and maybe make it as though it were from a handheld camera. Do you intend to move the camera bit by bit to create that effect? I think that it would add a whole other dimension and make it feel like its THAT much more urgent. I love this project, things seem like they are coming along :)
Just thought I'd let you guys know, my scanner broke so I can't post the storyboard, but ill bring it to class.
ReplyDeletehey I think that his is much more improved! I feel I really got a sense of the story more and there is no confusion. I think you laid the beginning out very nicely. Its very quick and to the point, not leaving the audience wondering what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI feel there might need to be more with the mice family. It seems quite quick.
I really like the flash of the farm idea.
I was wondering how you are going to let the audience know of Happy's feelings in places like "Happy sighs at the though of the comfort of his old cage but ...has a new life now on filled with adventure and excitiment" Maybe a thought bubble overhead? Or going to have narration over this.
I really like where this is going!!!
Hey Nick,
ReplyDeleteThis script doesn't feel all that different but since I didn't give you feedback the first time around I'll go ahead here.
I think the story is fun and the whole idea of the journey through the Odyssey is intriguing.
Quick thoughts:
Perhaps something could flash before the hamsters eyes one final time before his death? I'm not sure what, but I feel like it would be a nice touch.
The lawn gnome bit is my favorite, but maybe there could be a gigantic gnome shadow cast for it to appear intimidating. Then once the stick bounces off we see its actual non-threatening size.
Has the dad told his son this same story before since it is happening again? Perhaps maybe he could reiterate to his son that this is the same farm all his hamsters went.
I also love the Flash animation idea. Combining two different forms of animation is awesome and inventive. I love it.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to the final product!
Really looking forward to the final project. So far it's sounding great.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to Chelsea's comment on the narration, I agree that it's a little jarring because it's the first time in the entire film we get any. Killing two birds with one stone, you could use the narrator as a way to also give the audience an idea of what's going on through his head, though I'm guessing you have a plan already to show that. A little introduction narration might help give a nice bookend feel to the film as well.
In regards to the ending, I think it might be better if, just before Happy comes crashing, you fade to black and just give the sound of him hitting the ground. From what I've read, this short doesn't seem to have the tone of a movie that'd show the bloody aftermath.
Hey Nick,
ReplyDeleteJust got done reading your 2nd draft (were there any changes to this version... I didnt really notice anything to big). I am really liking where this is going... it sounds like its going to be epic (Aardman Studios meets TROY). I like how much this mirrors an almost Greek tragedy (with the giant humans, the knowledgeable mice who help him the with the traps, the gnome, and the ending with the bird)... and if executed right, it should come out awesome!
I agree with some of above comments in that I think you should have narration throughout the entire film, and not just the end (as it is quite abrupt)... and make it really over-the-top and fantastic sounding (like some British Historian or something). I also think that the idea of combining a bunch of various animation styles is a good idea... just sounds kind of hard to do.
This feels like something I have never seen before, but that is a good thing. I really look forward to seeing where this goes... hopefully I will get a crack at editing it too.