pg 4 - Haylee should be the one to ask why he isn't on Broadway - it's probably pretty common knowledge around the school and since she's new she wouldn't know.
pg 4 - Twelfth Night Stand - niiiiiiiice :) it's goofy, I like it.
pg 6 - We need something (other than the action) which tells us that this is Haylee's first day at Mamma Mia's. How about next to the musical casting list on the cork board, there's also a flyer from Mamma Mia's looking to hire.
pg 7 - I love that Daryl orders for Johnny.
pg 18 - "TJ told me everything about your sad pathetic life!" What's sad/pathetic about Haylee's life? Seems pretty average to me...also, I mean, we don't know a whole lot about her life - don't know about where she came from, what she did there, what she wants to do in life (she's only doing theater, we're told at the beginning of your script, to make friends), what her family is like, etc...
pg 20 - What makes Haylee think the boys would make fun of her? They don't really know each other and they just saved her from the bathroom. Plus, no one was making fun of her, if anything Fountain was applauding her.
pg 20 - It's been a pretty G rated movie thus far, so to hear Daryl say "clocked that bitch in the face" toward the end will be pretty funny.
pg 21 - Why would TJ and Lauren be at this concert? I feel like it needs to be something where they're forced to go - they would never go on their own free will. It could be a school assembly so they need to be there. That would work better too, because Lauren wanted to be like the queen bee of the school and here she is upstaged by Haylee in front of all of the people that she wanted to be her little followers.
Also, here's a general note. I love you kid, but you need to find a way to make this film stand out from the rest. When I very first started reading it I was like "Nooooooo Chelsea NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! IT'S HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 4!!! NOOOOOOOOO!" and then I changed gears when Tina starts talking about Lauren and TJ and I started screaming "NOOOOOOOOO MEAN GIRLS NOOOOOOO" and then TJ grabbed Haylee's boob and I closed my eyes, shook my head, and softly whispered ... "grease." You need to find something else that makes this truly original and not a conglomerate of all these other movies - and the rock band twist at the end is not enough, because you'll lose your audience from the get go if they start thinking of another movie - that something special that sets your movie apart needs to be right there in the beginning and carried all the way through.
I think what Erica has said is on target, its very predictable and it does need an identity separate from the rest of the musicals out there.
With that said I still enjoyed it, it just needs to be different, the only thing that really surprised me was when Haylee smacked Lauren. That was a strong moment for me and I think for your film to stand out you need more of these moments, otherwise it will be quite flat.
Oh I particularly liked the Mr Fountain character, I hope you get someone good for him.
Pg. 3: once tj grabs haylee, i dont think she'd respond by introducing herself. I do, however, love them meeting this way!
Pg 4: Mr. Fountain's intro speech is good.
Pg 6: I'm glad you kept the piece of paper reading "Haylee McDaniels ... No Thank You"
Pg 6/7: I like the new character Tina. Every new person at school needs like that sidekick/ that person to give the info/background and Tina fits right in with that.
Pg 7: nice intro with Daryl and Johnny. Not too long,not too short.
Pg. 8: Maybe I'm missing the joke, which is quite common for me lol, but if it's Haylee's first day how can the BLT be her favorite? Is she just trying to be nice and prolong the convo with tj??
Pg. 10: Lauren's song is awesome. It's great to finally get some lyrics.
Pg 13: interesting change with tj.
Pg. 14: I dont' think daryl should completely ignore Haylee. At least throw in a glace her way and a thank you then quickly back to the convo with Johnny.
During the potential song, Lauren should be in the background sometimes scowling at Haylee.
Pg. 18: I like how Haylee punches Lauren at the end of the song.
Pg. 18: I like how Darly and Johnny are in the back watching what just happened! :)
Pg. 21: Why are Lauren and TJ at a concert that they know Haylee is the lead singer of?
Overall, this is really well done. Really different from the last script, but also really good.
Your journal is AWESOME! You are really organized and ready to roll! Great job kid!
Pg1 - How do we know she's a new student? Just saying that she is isn't enough. You need something else here to explain or show visually that she's new.
Pg2-3 - Like waht you've done with Lauren. She's quite the thundercunt now.
Pg3 - Sorry to grab you, but yourunderwear is sticking out of your...
That line just sounds awkward . And. Would she really introduce herself immediately...she's new and sees this really super duper attractive guy...would she be more nervous or is she just chockfull of confidence?
And. Something I thought of. To really bring her down and get an interesting laugh. Maybe. They have a conversation. It goes well. She's all dreamified. Then. At the end you end with. Btw, your underwear is sticking out. And it ends on that beat. That might take your script in a direction you dont want though. Like I said. Just a thought that went a popping in muh head
Pg4 - Twelth Night Stand - hehehehe - that made me laugh
I like the haylee no thank you line
Ok. I'm 7 pages in and this time around I feel really invested in your character. I actually care where she's going and if she'll succeed. Great improvement yoooouuuuuu
Pg15 - Why would she want to get back at her? She didnt do much and this is after you find out TJ is a prick.
I think you still have some minor tweaking to do, but you found your story. Good job.
Just a thought for more humor- in scene 7 when Haylee gets angry about the "no thank you"/not getting the part, I think she should rip it down and get all frustrated. Then she should realize what she just did and notices everyone looking at her. She can then sheepishly say sorry to everyone as she uncrinkles the paper.
As for the predictability- it does feel like High School Musical. Just the new girl bit, caddy bitch, etc etc. Have her die in the end. Hah JUST KIDDING! Maybe make it take place on a college campus so you can make a lot of aspects different from the norm?
Other than that, since musicals are pretty predictable. I really like the humor in this. Again, cant wait to hear the songs.
I really like that in this draft Haylee's audition is sabotaged by Lauren because in the first one I was thinking she was just kind of bad. That definitely changes the story for me, not to mention it makes Laurens character seem like a total biotch.
I like the way Daryl and Johnny are introduced but I thought it was a little strange that Daryl ordered for Johnny. Just something small.
Laurens song lyrics are really good. I was excited to see them! Great job, I love it!
i really liked the script and cant wait to see the song lyrics especially. The one song (i think) that was in there was the one Lauren was performing and i think it turned out good. the changes you've made to get to this draft have been right on, i also really like the fact that lauren is trying to sabotage haylees number.
will you be posting more song lyrics? are they still being made? we wanna see! good work :)
So late response I know, but take it for what it is.
First of all, I am way more invested in Haylee since you gave her a worthy antagonist. It was far more interesting this time around.
To not tread similar ground I will tell you my biggest complaints:
1 - You give into a LOT of cliches. I know it's called I Am Musical so clearly anyone can tell that the creator is aware of this. However! Why not make it more self aware? Why not take some parody approaches? Like somebody sees something coming cause they've seen it in a musical? Or somebody comments on why there is so much spontaneous singing? I mean, SOMETHING to set it apart other than the fact that you can make an impressive musical. And have fun with it! You and your sister could probably make numerous references that people who love musicals can laugh at. Just a thought.
2 - Too long. This is the problem with my script as well. You're running into the twenties page-wise and don't forget the length of time it will take to do all the musical numbers. You need to cut some stuff or shorten something or get to the point quicker. Your script seems pretty tight as it is so you may have you kill some of your babies (ie: scenes)
Regardless, I love it and will help wherever you need it. This looks like a lot of fun.
Again, not too much to say here. I agree with Chris' comments about some of the language. Read this out loud to yourself at some point to pinpoint some of the lines that seem a little forced or unnatural.
Also, I wouldn't have known she's a new student from how the script reads other than saying that she's the new student. Make sure you make this clear any way you can. T.V. shows do this all the time and usually quite poorly, try to come up with something original to show that she's uncomfortable, nervous, confused, etc.
Hey Chelsea, I enjoyed the new script and I agree with Chris with your story being flushed out.
Pg 3 - I also thought it was quite strange when TJ calls her out on her underwear showing when he doesn't even know who she is, but after reading the script it turns out that TJ is a punk ass anyways so if your actors play the scene in a certain way it good be a great foreshadow. Perhaps TJ has this attitude that he is "all that" you don't show to much of it but just a glipse so the audience understands why he would call her out on her underwear sticking out.
Pg 4- I also enjoyed Twelfth Night stand, very goofy and something that everyone can laugh at.
The ending works for me but I do feel that you wrapped up quite quickly. I was confused on how the boys felt Haylee would be great for their band by hearing her crying in the bathroom. I know you show the boys with guitars and stuff throughout the script. I guess it'll land on how you present the two guys and show us that they are all about "the band"
Overall great read, Great Work Chelsea! This is going to be a fun project!
pg 4 - Haylee should be the one to ask why he isn't on Broadway - it's probably pretty common knowledge around the school and since she's new she wouldn't know.
ReplyDeletepg 4 - Twelfth Night Stand - niiiiiiiice :) it's goofy, I like it.
pg 6 - We need something (other than the action) which tells us that this is Haylee's first day at Mamma Mia's. How about next to the musical casting list on the cork board, there's also a flyer from Mamma Mia's looking to hire.
pg 7 - I love that Daryl orders for Johnny.
pg 18 - "TJ told me everything about your sad pathetic life!" What's sad/pathetic about Haylee's life? Seems pretty average to me...also, I mean, we don't know a whole lot about her life - don't know about where she came from, what she did there, what she wants to do in life (she's only doing theater, we're told at the beginning of your script, to make friends), what her family is like, etc...
pg 20 - What makes Haylee think the boys would make fun of her? They don't really know each other and they just saved her from the bathroom. Plus, no one was making fun of her, if anything Fountain was applauding her.
pg 20 - It's been a pretty G rated movie thus far, so to hear Daryl say "clocked that bitch in the face" toward the end will be pretty funny.
pg 21 - Why would TJ and Lauren be at this concert? I feel like it needs to be something where they're forced to go - they would never go on their own free will. It could be a school assembly so they need to be there. That would work better too, because Lauren wanted to be like the queen bee of the school and here she is upstaged by Haylee in front of all of the people that she wanted to be her little followers.
Also, here's a general note. I love you kid, but you need to find a way to make this film stand out from the rest. When I very first started reading it I was like "Nooooooo Chelsea NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! IT'S HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 4!!! NOOOOOOOOO!" and then I changed gears when Tina starts talking about Lauren and TJ and I started screaming "NOOOOOOOOO MEAN GIRLS NOOOOOOO" and then TJ grabbed Haylee's boob and I closed my eyes, shook my head, and softly whispered ... "grease." You need to find something else that makes this truly original and not a conglomerate of all these other movies - and the rock band twist at the end is not enough, because you'll lose your audience from the get go if they start thinking of another movie - that something special that sets your movie apart needs to be right there in the beginning and carried all the way through.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Chelse,
ReplyDeleteI think what Erica has said is on target, its very predictable and it does need an identity separate from the rest of the musicals out there.
With that said I still enjoyed it, it just needs to be different, the only thing that really surprised me was when Haylee smacked Lauren.
That was a strong moment for me and I think for your film to stand out you need more of these moments, otherwise it will be quite flat.
Oh I particularly liked the Mr Fountain character, I hope you get someone good for him.
Hey Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good script!
Pg. 3: once tj grabs haylee, i dont think she'd respond by introducing herself. I do, however, love them meeting this way!
Pg 4: Mr. Fountain's intro speech is good.
Pg 6: I'm glad you kept the piece of paper reading "Haylee McDaniels ... No Thank You"
Pg 6/7: I like the new character Tina. Every new person at school needs like that sidekick/ that person to give the info/background and Tina fits right in with that.
Pg 7: nice intro with Daryl and Johnny. Not too long,not too short.
Pg. 8: Maybe I'm missing the joke, which is quite common for me lol, but if it's Haylee's first day how can the BLT be her favorite? Is she just trying to be nice and prolong the convo with tj??
Pg. 10: Lauren's song is awesome. It's great to finally get some lyrics.
Pg 13: interesting change with tj.
Pg. 14: I dont' think daryl should completely ignore Haylee. At least throw in a glace her way and a thank you then quickly back to the convo with Johnny.
During the potential song, Lauren should be in the background sometimes scowling at Haylee.
Pg. 18: I like how Haylee punches Lauren at the end of the song.
Pg. 18: I like how Darly and Johnny are in the back watching what just happened! :)
Pg. 21: Why are Lauren and TJ at a concert that they know Haylee is the lead singer of?
Overall, this is really well done. Really different from the last script, but also really good.
Your journal is AWESOME! You are really organized and ready to roll! Great job kid!
Pg1 - How do we know she's a new student? Just saying that she is isn't enough. You need something else here to explain or show visually that she's new.
ReplyDeletePg2-3 - Like waht you've done with Lauren. She's quite the thundercunt now.
Pg3 - Sorry to grab you, but yourunderwear is sticking out of your...
That line just sounds awkward . And. Would she really introduce herself immediately...she's new and sees this really super duper attractive guy...would she be more nervous or is she just chockfull of confidence?
And. Something I thought of. To really bring her down and get an interesting laugh. Maybe. They have a conversation. It goes well. She's all dreamified. Then. At the end you end with. Btw, your underwear is sticking out. And it ends on that beat. That might take your script in a direction you dont want though. Like I said. Just a thought that went a popping in muh head
Pg4 - Twelth Night Stand - hehehehe - that made me laugh
I like the haylee no thank you line
Ok. I'm 7 pages in and this time around I feel really invested in your character. I actually care where she's going and if she'll succeed. Great improvement yoooouuuuuu
Pg15 - Why would she want to get back at her? She didnt do much and this is after you find out TJ is a prick.
I think you still have some minor tweaking to do, but you found your story. Good job.
Just a thought for more humor- in scene 7 when Haylee gets angry about the "no thank you"/not getting the part, I think she should rip it down and get all frustrated. Then she should realize what she just did and notices everyone looking at her. She can then sheepishly say sorry to everyone as she uncrinkles the paper.
ReplyDeleteAs for the predictability- it does feel like High School Musical. Just the new girl bit, caddy bitch, etc etc. Have her die in the end. Hah JUST KIDDING! Maybe make it take place on a college campus so you can make a lot of aspects different from the norm?
Other than that, since musicals are pretty predictable. I really like the humor in this. Again, cant wait to hear the songs.
Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteI really like that in this draft Haylee's audition is sabotaged by Lauren because in the first one I was thinking she was just kind of bad. That definitely changes the story for me, not to mention it makes Laurens character seem like a total biotch.
I like the way Daryl and Johnny are introduced but I thought it was a little strange that Daryl ordered for Johnny. Just something small.
Laurens song lyrics are really good. I was excited to see them! Great job, I love it!
hi chelsea,
ReplyDeletei really liked the script and cant wait to see the song lyrics especially. The one song (i think) that was in there was the one Lauren was performing and i think it turned out good. the changes you've made to get to this draft have been right on, i also really like the fact that lauren is trying to sabotage haylees number.
will you be posting more song lyrics? are they still being made? we wanna see! good work :)
Hey!
ReplyDeleteSo late response I know, but take it for what it is.
First of all, I am way more invested in Haylee since you gave her a worthy antagonist. It was far more interesting this time around.
To not tread similar ground I will tell you my biggest complaints:
1 - You give into a LOT of cliches. I know it's called I Am Musical so clearly anyone can tell that the creator is aware of this. However! Why not make it more self aware? Why not take some parody approaches? Like somebody sees something coming cause they've seen it in a musical? Or somebody comments on why there is so much spontaneous singing? I mean, SOMETHING to set it apart other than the fact that you can make an impressive musical. And have fun with it! You and your sister could probably make numerous references that people who love musicals can laugh at. Just a thought.
2 - Too long. This is the problem with my script as well. You're running into the twenties page-wise and don't forget the length of time it will take to do all the musical numbers. You need to cut some stuff or shorten something or get to the point quicker. Your script seems pretty tight as it is so you may have you kill some of your babies (ie: scenes)
Regardless, I love it and will help wherever you need it. This looks like a lot of fun.
Again, not too much to say here. I agree with Chris' comments about some of the language. Read this out loud to yourself at some point to pinpoint some of the lines that seem a little forced or unnatural.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wouldn't have known she's a new student from how the script reads other than saying that she's the new student. Make sure you make this clear any way you can. T.V. shows do this all the time and usually quite poorly, try to come up with something original to show that she's uncomfortable, nervous, confused, etc.
Hey Chelsea, I enjoyed the new script and I agree with Chris with your story being flushed out.
ReplyDeletePg 3 - I also thought it was quite strange when TJ calls her out on her underwear showing when he doesn't even know who she is, but after reading the script it turns out that TJ is a punk ass anyways so if your actors play the scene in a certain way it good be a great foreshadow. Perhaps TJ has this attitude that he is "all that" you don't show to much of it but just a glipse so the audience understands why he would call her out on her underwear sticking out.
Pg 4- I also enjoyed Twelfth Night stand, very goofy and something that everyone can laugh at.
The ending works for me but I do feel that you wrapped up quite quickly. I was confused on how the boys felt Haylee would be great for their band by hearing her crying in the bathroom. I know you show the boys with guitars and stuff throughout the script. I guess it'll land on how you present the two guys and show us that they are all about "the band"
Overall great read, Great Work Chelsea! This is going to be a fun project!