I love the additions and changes to the script. The ending is much stronger this time around and wraps up all of the loose ends. Overall the story presents the characters very clearly, both visually and through the dialogue.
I like the clear difference between the brothers this time around. I seems like Benny is sticking around with Trip because of brotherly responsibility and for nothing else. He's there to clean up Trip's mess.
At times it seems like Trip is taking advantage of this relationship with Benny, because Benny is never going to say anything. He's taking advantage of the relationship because Benny is always going to lead Trip to new victims, whether on purpose or not.
Weren't there more scenes with the Soldiers? I wanted to know more about them. Just a thought.
Overall good use of dialogue to show characterization and to move the story along. I think this will come out great an will definitely hold the audience's attention!
For me personally, the changes/additions (the addition of an initial altercation between Benny and Trip after he kills John, especially) helped me believe/enjoy Benny's decision to kill Trip this time around. Their relationship is definitely a bit more fleshed out and it works well in pretty much all the scenes, especially the last scene as Trip dies.
I'm still torn on your decision to kill Hal. In the past few minutes I've made the case in my head for both options, and it could go either way and this is still a good script. I can explain more in detail in person, doooood.
Like the comments above me, I really like this script. The biggest problem I had with the first draft was the ending, but it seems like you have cleared it up very well. Your dialogue is very strong and I believe that this will be important in the final outcome of the film, make sure you get good actors and this story will really come to life.
One thing I was kind of wondering is, where is this supposed to take place? Like is it supposed to occur in a more southern area or a southwest region where laws have not really been established?
I agree with everyone above! I think that the audience has a better understanding of why Benny kills Trip and that it is more justified than last time. Before it seemed too random but now i feel it has more purpose.
Other than that I do not have much to add! I really like the script and how it is turning out. I'm not one for westerns but I really do like this!!! Let me know if you need help on set.
Personally I enjoy the new ending. A very dark and very despairing feel that I really enjoyed. Plus you gave more of a motivation for Benny to kill Trip which created a tension I didn't feel before. I also have more of an understanding toward their relationship.
And killing Hall left a more hopeless and wonderful Reservoir Dogs feel.
What I said last time is that you're really going to have to focus on sound for this film in order to get under the audience's skin and create even more tension and grittiness.
This new draft is great! I was really engaged in the ending this time and I think the little additions you made were great.
The characters are a lot more well rounded here and they seem to come full circle in their "journey" throughout the film.
I could picture some great shots for this film and I can really get a sense of what you are trying to accomplish just through the description and dialog.
Production design, props, and permits seem to be your next step, I think the script is great!
I know you have decided on Hal dying at the end of the story and I get it. When you think about it why should Hal live anyways? I always try to leave a little hope but I honestly think the story could work both ways. When Johnny Rowe shoots at Benny you could cut it to leave a last bit of tension with the audience. We see Benny about to shoot Hal but then the camera cuts to a forest shot where we just hear the gun blast. We assume Benny shot Hal but then you cut to see that Benny is the one thats been shot and then you have your final shot with Johnny Rowe standing there stupefied with his gun barrel smoking.
Its just my opinion Chris so don't get upset. I just personally think it can work both ways, I know you prefer the darker endings but this one could work just as well. Loves Ya!
I love the additions and changes to the script. The ending is much stronger this time around and wraps up all of the loose ends. Overall the story presents the characters very clearly, both visually and through the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI like the clear difference between the brothers this time around. I seems like Benny is sticking around with Trip because of brotherly responsibility and for nothing else. He's there to clean up Trip's mess.
At times it seems like Trip is taking advantage of this relationship with Benny, because Benny is never going to say anything. He's taking advantage of the relationship because Benny is always going to lead Trip to new victims, whether on purpose or not.
Weren't there more scenes with the Soldiers? I wanted to know more about them. Just a thought.
Overall good use of dialogue to show characterization and to move the story along. I think this will come out great an will definitely hold the audience's attention!
Diggin' the new draft.
ReplyDeleteFor me personally, the changes/additions (the addition of an initial altercation between Benny and Trip after he kills John, especially) helped me believe/enjoy Benny's decision to kill Trip this time around. Their relationship is definitely a bit more fleshed out and it works well in pretty much all the scenes, especially the last scene as Trip dies.
I'm still torn on your decision to kill Hal. In the past few minutes I've made the case in my head for both options, and it could go either way and this is still a good script. I can explain more in detail in person, doooood.
Like the comments above me, I really like this script. The biggest problem I had with the first draft was the ending, but it seems like you have cleared it up very well. Your dialogue is very strong and I believe that this will be important in the final outcome of the film, make sure you get good actors and this story will really come to life.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I was kind of wondering is, where is this supposed to take place? Like is it supposed to occur in a more southern area or a southwest region where laws have not really been established?
I agree with everyone above! I think that the audience has a better understanding of why Benny kills Trip and that it is more justified than last time. Before it seemed too random but now i feel it has more purpose.
ReplyDeleteOther than that I do not have much to add! I really like the script and how it is turning out. I'm not one for westerns but I really do like this!!! Let me know if you need help on set.
Personally I enjoy the new ending. A very dark and very despairing feel that I really enjoyed. Plus you gave more of a motivation for Benny to kill Trip which created a tension I didn't feel before. I also have more of an understanding toward their relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd killing Hall left a more hopeless and wonderful Reservoir Dogs feel.
What I said last time is that you're really going to have to focus on sound for this film in order to get under the audience's skin and create even more tension and grittiness.
This new draft is great! I was really engaged in the ending this time and I think the little additions you made were great.
ReplyDeleteThe characters are a lot more well rounded here and they seem to come full circle in their "journey" throughout the film.
I could picture some great shots for this film and I can really get a sense of what you are trying to accomplish just through the description and dialog.
Production design, props, and permits seem to be your next step, I think the script is great!
I know you have decided on Hal dying at the end of the story and I get it. When you think about it why should Hal live anyways? I always try to leave a little hope but I honestly think the story could work both ways. When Johnny Rowe shoots at Benny you could cut it to leave a last bit of tension with the audience. We see Benny about to shoot Hal but then the camera cuts to a forest shot where we just hear the gun blast. We assume Benny shot Hal but then you cut to see that Benny is the one thats been shot and then you have your final shot with Johnny Rowe standing there stupefied with his gun barrel smoking.
ReplyDeleteIts just my opinion Chris so don't get upset. I just personally think it can work both ways, I know you prefer the darker endings but this one could work just as well. Loves Ya!