Hey Tommy Boy! Love the start of this script but where be the rest of it?? I didn't see a journal uploaded so I don't really know where you want the story to go. I can say the 8 pages you wrote left me wanting more so lock yourself in your room and punch it out, Arrr CHa Charrr!
Good start, looking to see where you're going to take it. The intro can be a lot of fun and I'm seeing what you're looking for what the slide show/montage thing going on - I'm enjoying the idea of a main character who was raised by a gay couple, don't think I've seen that much before if at all.
It's hard to give much more feedback or criticisms at this point, though. I am wondering why it is such a big deal for him to go on this blind date...Collin says he's had his girlfriend on his back for not spending enough time together so his solution is to set up a double date? But I'll stop with that inquiry there until I can read the rest of the script.
By the way, the "Tom WTf?!" was from when you had said you had uploaded your stuff the other day and then I looked only to find none of it haha.
Off the bat, like the other two, good start for a first draft. I'm a bit unsure of your use of voiceover. I'm thinking you might want to (just as an exercise to see if the story tells better one way or the other) rewrite the script without the voiceover and tell the story and character predicament through action and present dialogue. Also, if you're gonna use voiceover, use less of it, I think you could get your point across with the voice over the maybe 2 pages opposed to 5. Shorten the exposition.
I don't really understand the need to have the jogging scene with him being asked to go on the blind date. We already know he's going on one and that he's pissed about it. Maybe incorporate that into the exposition somehow.
So far all you've got is exposition, which just needs to be cut way down so we can get into the real grit of your story. Personally, since it's about a blind date, I think we should get into that really early on, or hell, even have the story start at the blind date and then incorporate the voiceover/exposition inter-cutting at the beginning of the whole endeavor.
Hey Buddy, Just read the First "Draft" (aka 8 pages). I like it man... or whats there at least. I think you have a great writing style, and want to see where this goes... but without the journal, we don't know where this is going. How long do you think this is going to end up being?
Of course, I love the setting of Chicago for this story (ANY story really!). I know that Chris says he wants you to lose the jogging scene, but I think it works. It gives the film a great shift in style, and I think with this kind of story (Somewhat Dry-Romantic-Comedy), you need to give it something that makes it different and stand out.
Can't wait to see where this goes man... I really was hooked/ interested in those first 8 pages... so finish the damn thing!
Tom WTF?!
ReplyDeleteHey Tommy Boy! Love the start of this script but where be the rest of it?? I didn't see a journal uploaded so I don't really know where you want the story to go. I can say the 8 pages you wrote left me wanting more so lock yourself in your room and punch it out, Arrr CHa Charrr!
ReplyDeleteGood start, looking to see where you're going to take it. The intro can be a lot of fun and I'm seeing what you're looking for what the slide show/montage thing going on - I'm enjoying the idea of a main character who was raised by a gay couple, don't think I've seen that much before if at all.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to give much more feedback or criticisms at this point, though. I am wondering why it is such a big deal for him to go on this blind date...Collin says he's had his girlfriend on his back for not spending enough time together so his solution is to set up a double date? But I'll stop with that inquiry there until I can read the rest of the script.
By the way, the "Tom WTf?!" was from when you had said you had uploaded your stuff the other day and then I looked only to find none of it haha.
Off the bat, like the other two, good start for a first draft. I'm a bit unsure of your use of voiceover. I'm thinking you might want to (just as an exercise to see if the story tells better one way or the other) rewrite the script without the voiceover and tell the story and character predicament through action and present dialogue. Also, if you're gonna use voiceover, use less of it, I think you could get your point across with the voice over the maybe 2 pages opposed to 5. Shorten the exposition.
ReplyDeleteI don't really understand the need to have the jogging scene with him being asked to go on the blind date. We already know he's going on one and that he's pissed about it. Maybe incorporate that into the exposition somehow.
So far all you've got is exposition, which just needs to be cut way down so we can get into the real grit of your story. Personally, since it's about a blind date, I think we should get into that really early on, or hell, even have the story start at the blind date and then incorporate the voiceover/exposition inter-cutting at the beginning of the whole endeavor.
Hey Buddy,
ReplyDeleteJust read the First "Draft" (aka 8 pages). I like it man... or whats there at least. I think you have a great writing style, and want to see where this goes... but without the journal, we don't know where this is going. How long do you think this is going to end up being?
Of course, I love the setting of Chicago for this story (ANY story really!). I know that Chris says he wants you to lose the jogging scene, but I think it works. It gives the film a great shift in style, and I think with this kind of story (Somewhat Dry-Romantic-Comedy), you need to give it something that makes it different and stand out.
Can't wait to see where this goes man... I really was hooked/ interested in those first 8 pages... so finish the damn thing!