SCRIPT First off, did I tell you about this: http://www.spiritmag.com/features/article/the_happiest_man_on_earth/ 10; I think you need a bit of build up before Sam finds the carcass. This would be in the form of non-narrative sequence. Not a bunch of dialogue. It's more of a directing note than a writing note. 12; stream of blood still is an issue 13; "Can’t take you anywhere." not sure if I buy that line after blood splash 18; hard to imagine the mood lightening 28; i like the tension about trying to get to the car before Brian starts freaking 29; feels predictable that Sam will show up again; almost a bit comical GENERAL: It's getting there. The length is still too long, but you've improved a lot. I think you need to find a way to get out on the hike much quicker. You spend a lot of pages making introductions and such. You have to get to the action quicker. Then, the next thing will be massaging the structure. It feels a bit mushy now. This might be something to speak with Philip about. But I'm not feeling the tension ratcheting up and then releasing. Something feels off. Does that make sense? Maybe it needs some sort of thematic throughline. Perhaps it opens with them all hiking and taking about the virtue of never leaving a man behind in the wilderness. And then you pull that theme more into the narrative. All that said, you are definitely moving in the right direction. Let's discuss.
FJ no scene to scene notes no editing or sound notes the notes you have aren't bad, but you will benefit enormously from fleshing this out. i like the clips you chose and understand why you have them. but get caught up.
Brady, I like that you got rid of the first part with the two guys meeting, good scene but not really part of the story. Definitely good dialogue on pg 6. I think it gives us a better look into the characters and who they are. Feels much more natural. I like that we open scenes with the guys telling stories. Very realistic and makes everything flow together very well. I’m not quite sure of all the changes you’ve made next time maybe have the changes in bold, italic or another color. But reading through it I can tell its been looked over and definitely cut down. The dialogue flows much better and I think it makes a lot more sense. Good job so far.
So there wasn't any sort of revision mode so I'm not entirely sure on what all changed, but here's what I've got from reading this draft -
While it reads well and the pacing works for me, this still is just simply too long. For what basically happens in your story - men go hiking, one gets infected, goes nuts, others are too and then crazy ending - that can still happen but just quicker. I think the hard part is either trying to simply condense what you have with minor changes/cuts, or taking a look at this thing and its entirety and rewriting it with a hard page-goal in mind.
What I did quickly notice was the cut of that opening scene with the brothers. I think it's a smart cut for getting your script shorter, but I feel like you need to compensate for it more than you have. In other words, someone who hasn't read earlier drafts (i.e. your true audience once this thing is all said and done) may not have any understanding of what the circumstances are of these four men in the desert. There's no setup or explanation, there's hints of it still in the dialogue but not enough for us to put it all together.
As I was writing that, I'm kind of wondering, for the sake of getting this thing shorter but still having everything happen the same way - maybe you don't have to worry at all about setting up the whole Brian-is-a-young-rich-business-guy-and-Sam-is-trying-to-get-a-job scenario. Why can't this story be told with just four friends? Or two sets of friends? Or three friends and one that's kinda the outsider? That change could help shorten things cause then you don't have to worry about certain character info you've worked into the dialogue. Just a thought.
I think that's all I got at this point. The whole vomiting technique that Sam used still makes me cringe when I think about it, this can be a ton of fun haha.
Hey Brady,
ReplyDeleteWheres the "beef" buddy?
Ian
SCRIPT
ReplyDeleteFirst off, did I tell you about this: http://www.spiritmag.com/features/article/the_happiest_man_on_earth/
10; I think you need a bit of build up before Sam finds the carcass. This would be in the form of non-narrative sequence. Not a bunch of dialogue. It's more of a directing note than a writing note.
12; stream of blood still is an issue
13; "Can’t take you anywhere."
not sure if I buy that line after blood splash
18; hard to imagine the mood lightening
28; i like the tension about trying to get to the car before Brian starts freaking
29; feels predictable that Sam will show up again; almost a bit comical
GENERAL: It's getting there. The length is still too long, but you've improved a lot. I think you need to find a way to get out on the hike much quicker. You spend a lot of pages making introductions and such. You have to get to the action quicker. Then, the next thing will be massaging the structure. It feels a bit mushy now. This might be something to speak with Philip about. But I'm not feeling the tension ratcheting up and then releasing. Something feels off. Does that make sense? Maybe it needs some sort of thematic throughline. Perhaps it opens with them all hiking and taking about the virtue of never leaving a man behind in the wilderness. And then you pull that theme more into the narrative. All that said, you are definitely moving in the right direction. Let's discuss.
FJ
no scene to scene notes
no editing or sound notes
the notes you have aren't bad, but you will benefit enormously from fleshing this out. i like the clips you chose and understand why you have them. but get caught up.
Brady,
ReplyDeleteI like that you got rid of the first part with the two guys meeting, good scene but not really part of the story. Definitely good dialogue on pg 6. I think it gives us a better look into the characters and who they are. Feels much more natural. I like that we open scenes with the guys telling stories. Very realistic and makes everything flow together very well. I’m not quite sure of all the changes you’ve made next time maybe have the changes in bold, italic or another color. But reading through it I can tell its been looked over and definitely cut down. The dialogue flows much better and I think it makes a lot more sense. Good job so far.
Hey man -
ReplyDeleteSo there wasn't any sort of revision mode so I'm not entirely sure on what all changed, but here's what I've got from reading this draft -
While it reads well and the pacing works for me, this still is just simply too long. For what basically happens in your story - men go hiking, one gets infected, goes nuts, others are too and then crazy ending - that can still happen but just quicker. I think the hard part is either trying to simply condense what you have with minor changes/cuts, or taking a look at this thing and its entirety and rewriting it with a hard page-goal in mind.
What I did quickly notice was the cut of that opening scene with the brothers. I think it's a smart cut for getting your script shorter, but I feel like you need to compensate for it more than you have. In other words, someone who hasn't read earlier drafts (i.e. your true audience once this thing is all said and done) may not have any understanding of what the circumstances are of these four men in the desert. There's no setup or explanation, there's hints of it still in the dialogue but not enough for us to put it all together.
As I was writing that, I'm kind of wondering, for the sake of getting this thing shorter but still having everything happen the same way - maybe you don't have to worry at all about setting up the whole Brian-is-a-young-rich-business-guy-and-Sam-is-trying-to-get-a-job scenario. Why can't this story be told with just four friends? Or two sets of friends? Or three friends and one that's kinda the outsider? That change could help shorten things cause then you don't have to worry about certain character info you've worked into the dialogue. Just a thought.
I think that's all I got at this point. The whole vomiting technique that Sam used still makes me cringe when I think about it, this can be a ton of fun haha.