I really want to see some concept art and get more of an idea of how you're going to do it, but this is a pretty good first draft, all formatting issues aside. Although there is very little dialogue, that is the weakest part of the script, mainly just the final narration. It just sounded too ordinary opposed to epic, which is the tone I think you're going for, especially in that final sequence. Other than that, I really like the tone and feel of this script. I especially love the idea of portraying the Cyclops as a lifeless garden gnome.
I like the concept of the hamsters venturing out into the world away from the very familiar cage. The story reminds me of Toy Story when Buzz and Woody are thrown out of the window and are forced to find their way back.
I think there should be a little more danger for Happy when he's out in the world, beyond the cheese and peanut butter. Maybe the mice who help him should turn more menacing when he tries to leave and he has to fight them off a bit, or something else to ramp up the risk involved.
I would love to see some storyboards to see how this will all fit together.
Nick, I love the idea of doing a stop motion film. I agree that they are a dying art form and for that I am willing to rally up behind you. Taking the typical "my pet went to live on a farm" and turning it into an adventure for a hamster is great!
The story is similar to The Brave Little Toaster, which was one of my childhood favorites. Although, it is pretty depressing knowing that Frank is dead from the beginning. Who is your target audience? The violence and near death experiences Happy encounters might be too much for a child to handle.
You had mentioned that Cheese and Peanut Butter were like the Sirens because they call Happy to some deadly situations and lawn gnome as the cyclops. Maybe you could add another greek character before Happy gets taken away by the Falcon of "talons" at the end.
I am very excited to see this! I don't know why Fiefel Goes West popped into my head (maybe because of rodents on adventures?)
ANYWAY, I really like where this story goes. I like the message if conveys and how it is not a happy ending.
I would add more human conflict when he goes on the adventure Maybe encounters knives in the kitchen or getting trampled in a crowd? Just something a little more to make his journey more challenging to make the ending stronger.
I like the childhood hope that is in it. The audience knows Frank is dead but we still hold onto that hope that he might be there in the land.
I know this is a rough draft but I would really like to see the ideas/visuals you have for the locations.
You seem to more or less have your story pretty intact, as in you know exactly what happens within each scene even if it's a little vague on paper considering there is no dialogue and is all description. I feel like what will ultimately help this adventure flow and truly feel epic is how each scene connects to the next. I feel like this is something you'll have to pay attention to with visuals (shot selection) since there is no dialogue. The right type of shot at the end/beginning of each scene should help conclude one part of the adventure and introduce the next. The way it's cut could also help influence this too.
I like the narration at the end, but I wonder if it will feel out of place or unnatural since it is the only one? Maybe finding a way to intertwine narration throughout the journey? I'm not sure.
And as for your question about what screenwriting software - I use final draft, and celtix (google it) is a pretty good, solid and fee software to download.
D1 - √ SCRIPT 1; How do we know: "He is the father of the the boy who owns the hamsters." Be mindful of making assumptions about what the audience will get. Any info you intend to communicate, must be communicated visually or through dialogue or sound. A possible solution is to establish the boy also sleeping along with the hamsters. Then if you cut to the man, we'll know it's dad 1; funny open with "Oh crap, not again." 1; " He walks to the edge of the cage and looks out, he sighs, thinking of what the world outside must be like, a world that he will never know. he then turns around and begins to walk towards his exercise wheel, when he notices something is missing. FRANK is gone, HAPPY runs frantically throughout the cage, unsettling saw dust where he thinks frank might be hiding" -again, you need to write what we are going to see, not what is happening in someone's (or some hamster's) head. don't assume we will get it. write in a way that visually communicates that Happy realizes that Frank is gone (i.e. Frank has a mini-bed with his name embroidered on it (as would Happy), but Happy realizes it's now empty). 2; "HAPPY pushes his exercise wheel, with the top of his head; not (typo) the wheel is lined up perpendicular to the door of the cage." 2; very funny having him run the wheel through the door then fall to the ground 2; "At the top of the staircase he begins his journey downward. on his way down he begins to feel a smell in his nose. It is impossible for him to ignore, the sent of cheese and peanut butter is to good to pass." -again, how to we know he's smelling cheese and peanut butter. what will you show us that communicates this? 3; I love that the mice help him 3; it's a bit abrupt when he leaves the mice; you maybe need some scene with them 3; "HAPPY sighs at the thought of the comfort of his old cage..." -how would we know? classic gap problem!!!! 4; I had this notion that he should full on attack the gnome; tackle him, beat the crap out of the inanimate figurine and then feel like a badass when he's done 4; That is a wild ending! I'm not sure if I like it or not. Something about it is great though. I think he needs more of a journey getting there though. That's what I think you need to brainstorm on; fleshing out the 2nd act journey. But overall, very enjoyable. Keep developing this. I think it could be very unique and funny. prep the stop motion; you must do tests this semester
FJ "What do you want this piece to say about you as a professional? That I can build a good story around obscure elements" -good answer Elevator Pitch is a logline/brief synopsis. You need to flesh this out "What do you think your character will learn from going through this story? He will learn that being in a cage his whole life has made him miss out on happiness." -this is not coming through; nor is the moral Nothing on 1st character chapter question "What does the main character learn? Life in a cage, although comfortable, is boring." -not coming through When does he/she have their epiphany? When he hears that his friend has gone to the farm. -I don't think so. Wouldn't it happen when he learns that life in a cage is boring? You need to establish he's comfortable life and that he is afraid to venture out (if this is what you really want to moral to be Why does this moment remind of of HGTTG? Where are the pictures for your cast?? You could have begun the process of visualizing and should have done so. All in all, not a bad job on the journal. But I would have liked more pics and more elaboration on your answers. Remember, it's about conveying what's in your head. It's sort of like the initial exercises in bridging The Gap. I do like what's in your head a lot. Very funny. And you're doing a pretty good job of conveying. Keep up the good work.
D2 DUE: better 2nd act all ideas communicated visually new moral and what does he learn plan for tests with storyboards
- First line of the scene where the father finds the dead hamster and say’s “Oh crap, not again.” Seems like too much dialogue and doesn’t seem real. Maybe to fix this you can show the father walking in and whispering “shit” or “crap”. Then the father takes poor little franks body out of the cage and maybe we could see him dump the body either in the backyard or a flowerpot and maybe we could see a tiny foot poking out from hamsters past. Now this probably could be too much information if you’re going for the audience to kind of take what they want from the beginning scene. From here there’s not much dialogue which is perfect since hamsters don’t talk, however, a lot of the scenes descriptions I’m finding hard to imagine how that’s going to be shown. Things such as how he thinks the house is huge and confusing and smelling cheese and peanut butter aren’t going to be easy to show unless you make it obvious with maybe little word bubbles or thought bubbles. This could be cute in this kind of stop motion movie however it could also make it seem way to cheesy; this of course is up to you. I’m confused at the Interior night mouses den scene, how will we see that the mice won’t let him leave? They won’t let him leave however, in the same scene with out any action he just leaves. Either show a small struggle between them or have the mice show him off on his journey now that they helped him out. I love the gnome scene I think this will definitely be an entertaining scene, I imagine a lot of reaction cuts from the moving frightened hamster to the still emotionless gnome. Overall I love the idea of your piece there are a few tweaks I think that could be made and maybe think about the narration at the end, it is sort of thrown at you from no where, and either put it throughout the whole piece or rely on camera techniques and editing to get the emotion your looking for at the end of the movie. I’m excited to see little Happy’s adventure ☺
This sounds awesome.
ReplyDeleteI really want to see some concept art and get more of an idea of how you're going to do it, but this is a pretty good first draft, all formatting issues aside. Although there is very little dialogue, that is the weakest part of the script, mainly just the final narration. It just sounded too ordinary opposed to epic, which is the tone I think you're going for, especially in that final sequence. Other than that, I really like the tone and feel of this script. I especially love the idea of portraying the Cyclops as a lifeless garden gnome.
I like the concept of the hamsters venturing out into the world away from the very familiar cage. The story reminds me of Toy Story when Buzz and Woody are thrown out of the window and are forced to find their way back.
ReplyDeleteI think there should be a little more danger for Happy when he's out in the world, beyond the cheese and peanut butter. Maybe the mice who help him should turn more menacing when he tries to leave and he has to fight them off a bit, or something else to ramp up the risk involved.
I would love to see some storyboards to see how this will all fit together.
What programs do you guys use to write with? Whenever I convert mine to pdf the format gets destroyed.
ReplyDeleteNick, I love the idea of doing a stop motion film. I agree that they are a dying art form and for that I am willing to rally up behind you. Taking the typical "my pet went to live on a farm" and turning it into an adventure for a hamster is great!
ReplyDeleteThe story is similar to The Brave Little Toaster, which was one of my childhood favorites. Although, it is pretty depressing knowing that Frank is dead from the beginning. Who is your target audience? The violence and near death experiences Happy encounters might be too much for a child to handle.
You had mentioned that Cheese and Peanut Butter were like the Sirens because they call Happy to some deadly situations and lawn gnome as the cyclops. Maybe you could add another greek character before Happy gets taken away by the Falcon of "talons" at the end.
I am very excited to see this! I don't know why Fiefel Goes West popped into my head (maybe because of rodents on adventures?)
ReplyDeleteANYWAY, I really like where this story goes. I like the message if conveys and how it is not a happy ending.
I would add more human conflict when he goes on the adventure Maybe encounters knives in the kitchen or getting trampled in a crowd? Just something a little more to make his journey more challenging to make the ending stronger.
I like the childhood hope that is in it. The audience knows Frank is dead but we still hold onto that hope that he might be there in the land.
I know this is a rough draft but I would really like to see the ideas/visuals you have for the locations.
Great concept! Simple but fresh and awesome.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to more or less have your story pretty intact, as in you know exactly what happens within each scene even if it's a little vague on paper considering there is no dialogue and is all description. I feel like what will ultimately help this adventure flow and truly feel epic is how each scene connects to the next. I feel like this is something you'll have to pay attention to with visuals (shot selection) since there is no dialogue. The right type of shot at the end/beginning of each scene should help conclude one part of the adventure and introduce the next. The way it's cut could also help influence this too.
I like the narration at the end, but I wonder if it will feel out of place or unnatural since it is the only one? Maybe finding a way to intertwine narration throughout the journey? I'm not sure.
And as for your question about what screenwriting software - I use final draft, and celtix (google it) is a pretty good, solid and fee software to download.
*free software to download I meant
ReplyDeleteD1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
1; How do we know: "He is the father of the the boy who owns the hamsters." Be mindful of making assumptions about what the audience will get. Any info you intend to communicate, must be communicated visually or through dialogue or sound. A possible solution is to establish the boy also sleeping along with the hamsters. Then if you cut to the man, we'll know it's dad
1; funny open with "Oh crap, not again."
1; " He walks to the edge of the cage and looks out, he sighs, thinking of what the world outside must be like, a world that he will never know. he then turns around and begins to walk towards his exercise wheel, when he notices something is missing. FRANK is gone, HAPPY runs frantically throughout the cage, unsettling saw dust where he thinks frank might be hiding"
-again, you need to write what we are going to see, not what is happening in someone's (or some hamster's) head. don't assume we will get it. write in a way that visually communicates that Happy realizes that Frank is gone (i.e. Frank has a mini-bed with his name embroidered on it (as would Happy), but Happy realizes it's now empty).
2; "HAPPY pushes his exercise wheel, with the top of his head; not (typo) the wheel is lined up perpendicular to the door of the cage."
2; very funny having him run the wheel through the door then fall to the ground
2; "At the top of the staircase he begins his journey downward. on his way down he begins to feel a smell in his nose. It is impossible for him to ignore, the sent of cheese and peanut butter is to good to pass."
-again, how to we know he's smelling cheese and peanut butter. what will you show us that communicates this?
3; I love that the mice help him
3; it's a bit abrupt when he leaves the mice; you maybe need some scene with them
3; "HAPPY sighs at the thought of the comfort of his old cage..."
-how would we know? classic gap problem!!!!
4; I had this notion that he should full on attack the gnome; tackle him, beat the crap out of the inanimate figurine and then feel like a badass when he's done
4; That is a wild ending! I'm not sure if I like it or not. Something about it is great though. I think he needs more of a journey getting there though. That's what I think you need to brainstorm on; fleshing out the 2nd act journey.
But overall, very enjoyable. Keep developing this. I think it could be very unique and funny.
prep the stop motion; you must do tests this semester
FJ
ReplyDelete"What do you want this piece to say about you as a professional? That I can build a good story around obscure elements"
-good answer
Elevator Pitch is a logline/brief synopsis. You need to flesh this out
"What do you think your character will learn from going through this story? He will learn that being in a cage his whole life has made him miss out on happiness."
-this is not coming through; nor is the moral
Nothing on 1st character chapter question
"What does the main character learn? Life in a cage, although comfortable, is boring."
-not coming through
When does he/she have their epiphany? When he hears that his friend has gone to the farm.
-I don't think so. Wouldn't it happen when he learns that life in a cage is boring? You need to establish he's comfortable life and that he is afraid to venture out (if this is what you really want to moral to be
Why does this moment remind of of HGTTG?
Where are the pictures for your cast?? You could have begun the process of visualizing and should have done so.
All in all, not a bad job on the journal. But I would have liked more pics and more elaboration on your answers. Remember, it's about conveying what's in your head. It's sort of like the initial exercises in bridging The Gap. I do like what's in your head a lot. Very funny. And you're doing a pretty good job of conveying. Keep up the good work.
D2
DUE:
better 2nd act
all ideas communicated visually
new moral and what does he learn
plan for tests with storyboards
D3
DUE
animation tests; 60 seconds worth
- First line of the scene where the father finds the dead hamster and say’s “Oh crap, not again.” Seems like too much dialogue and doesn’t seem real. Maybe to fix this you can show the father walking in and whispering “shit” or “crap”. Then the father takes poor little franks body out of the cage and maybe we could see him dump the body either in the backyard or a flowerpot and maybe we could see a tiny foot poking out from hamsters past. Now this probably could be too much information if you’re going for the audience to kind of take what they want from the beginning scene. From here there’s not much dialogue which is perfect since hamsters don’t talk, however, a lot of the scenes descriptions I’m finding hard to imagine how that’s going to be shown. Things such as how he thinks the house is huge and confusing and smelling cheese and peanut butter aren’t going to be easy to show unless you make it obvious with maybe little word bubbles or thought bubbles. This could be cute in this kind of stop motion movie however it could also make it seem way to cheesy; this of course is up to you. I’m confused at the Interior night mouses den scene, how will we see that the mice won’t let him leave? They won’t let him leave however, in the same scene with out any action he just leaves. Either show a small struggle between them or have the mice show him off on his journey now that they helped him out. I love the gnome scene I think this will definitely be an entertaining scene, I imagine a lot of reaction cuts from the moving frightened hamster to the still emotionless gnome. Overall I love the idea of your piece there are a few tweaks I think that could be made and maybe think about the narration at the end, it is sort of thrown at you from no where, and either put it throughout the whole piece or rely on camera techniques and editing to get the emotion your looking for at the end of the movie. I’m excited to see little Happy’s adventure ☺
ReplyDelete