SCRIPT I like the opening scene, but their conversation/dialogue is not as sophisticated as maybe it needs to be. A bit inane. Expressions like "Awesome!" and such, diminish your characters a bit. Scene 2 is pretty long for a chatty scene where not much happens is scene 3 a party? not clear at the outset 11; "You look seem embarrassed so I’ll make this easier on you." typo? 11; something I'm not getting about this scene. why is he embarrassed? 15; i know the fighting started earlier, but i realize now that i don't really have a sense of why it started. we really need to see that "pivot point" as well as the moments that hint that this pivot point is on the way. it kind of comes out of nowhere making the film feel a bit like a highlight film of important moments in their relationship and not like a narrative with full causality 22; "They’re all just images. Out" Why is "Out" there? 28; "I solve crimes by talking to dead horses." funny 34; i don't think you want her talking him into her coming along; i think you're better off (more conflict) if she's is still reluctant and he has to try to talk her into it; life has given them one last chace GENERAL: it's pretty doggone talky. that worries me a bit. but the non-linear cutting should help because you keep the audience engaged by trying to figure out where they are and you'll naturally cut out any fat - this will be helped by the fact that you don't have to maintain continuous time.
i do think this was a valuable exercise because it shows just how "story" or "event" thin your piece is. your film will not be driven by big plot devices; it will be driven by our hope that these two get together and our fear that they won't. never forget this as you make this piece. if you don't get your audience hopeful and fearful of those 2 outcomes, your film will not work. so we have to really connect with them at the start of the piece and we have to understand and empathize with the behavior throughout.
JOURNAL i like the general idea of using space "to portray their emotional distress" but you need some pics to communicate what you have in your head. i really have no idea. also, i'm not sure that dutch angles are the right choice of this piece; dutch angles tend to be conspicuous and could undermine the naturalism you are going for you wrote up some good thoughts in your journal; that will help you enormously as you prepare to shoot. however, you are 1 D Cycle behind. but most of all...
I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references.
you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references.
your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references.
Page 3- when he asks if she works often, I feel this is repetitious. Getting cutomers (what he asked earlier) and work is pretty much the same thing.
Page 4- I would take out the Yeah in Dianne's dialogue in "Uhm, I don't know. Yeah..". I know she is nervous but seems kinda choppy dialogue.
I really like the flow of the beginning a lot better. It has more of a beg, middle and end. Nicely done.
Page 5- I would change the "yeah, its me". I think she knows its him cause she said his name. I would change it to something more like "wow been a while" or something.
Overall I feel like there is a lot of dialogue. I know a lot of it is to show the progression (or lack there of hah) of their relationship but I feel some can be taken out. For example page 19 when Adam says "here lets go sit down", I don't think this is necessary.
Other than that I like the progression of this version. It is a lot less choppy and works well. I agree it is a little long but I'm still tryin to figure out where to cut.
Page 1-4- I just thought of a great opening. You should start with the flash of Dianne's camera and have Adam sitting on the stool. He can begin with the line "This is a nice setup". And then you can cut based on the flashes of the camera and that way the flashbacks and forwards can be white flashes. Just a thought.
Page 7- I think you can cut down their dialogue here. Adam doesn't need to ramble on about money and such. I think he should just say up to the "make time for auditions"
Page 7- A lot of the dialogue here is what the character should be thinking, not saying. Is there any way you can make the dialogue illustrate this without having to actually say it?
Page 10- slightly jumped seems like an awkward phrase. Maybe jumped slightly or barely jumped or made a minor hop. Something like that.
Page 15-16- this scene is a nice throwback to AZ film but there are somethings in here that can be trimmed down. There is a lot of dialogue and no action. Are they moving around the room here? Because if they are in bed this whole time, it might be kind of boring watching them talk for a few minutes.
Page 17- Again they are lying in bed? That might be a little weird since the scene before they were lying in bed? Are you going to keep the same angles and just have it jump back in time here? I am missing the transition here.
Page 20- I'm a confused here with the "You know why" line. I don't know why, so what is the why? Should I know? How come Dianne has to invite herself along? She is very desperate. Also, Adam was so willing to speak his feelings and now he can't say anything without Dianne finishing his sentences. Is this supposed to occur? I don't understand why his character changed that way. I feel like it should be the opposite, he's opened up more, no?
Page 22- First Adam is against the idea and then he loves it? Why the sudden shift? I say cut the whole "him not knowing what to do" and just get right to the "another purpose, no, another you" dialogue. That should save you some pages.
The way the story cuts to past and present is really cool. I would use this to help the audience become more invested in their relationship in the past. The beginning is great, the way they meet, but I would add happier times. I know it is already long and you are looking for things to cut, but as the reader, this relationship seems somewhat doomed. I understand that they were young and unsettled in life, but based on their past relationship, I wasn't sure why they wanted to be together again in the present. It just seemed like they were always fighting and I want a reason to root for them.
As a couple other people have said, the dialogue is really wordy, there are quite a few places where it can be trimmed down. Especially the present day scene in the bedroom and the past argument in their apartment.
One quick final comment- On Pg 11 you say, "You mean you just wanted us to go our separate ways after getting coffee?" I think it should be something a bit stronger instead of "after getting coffee" like "after spending this time together?" or "seeing each other again like this?" Just a few ideas! Other than that, good job!
A couple suggestions: It seems like every scene from the past they are fighting with each other. This makes me wonder why they want to be together now, their relationship seemed pretty loveless in the beginning why would they be in love 6 years later?
Another thing is when they are in bed in the present and he is telling her about the audition, I would leave out the tax incentive part. I don't think that talking about business details when the couple is in bed is really necessary.
Lastly, I didn't really like the ending too much, I didn't really feel any emotion at the end.
Hey Matt I really liked this draft. You said you were looking for places to cut, so I'll recommend some scenes or part of scenes.
Scene one was a bit on the long side for me. Cutting the small talk intro or a lil bit in the middle. But I do like their relationship so far. (The way the communicate with each other and what not.)
Scene two/three is a good catch up scene, but it was kinda slow for my tastes.
scene four the line "will you stay in my life" doesn't work for me. Maybe "can I still contact you" or something like that.
I really like scene 7. I'm now realizing that you have a lot of times when the characters have like three or more sentences at a time, so if you're looking for places to cut, I'd start there.
Matt, I like the added dialogue in the opening scene seems more realistic and I’m glad they met the night before gives us time to believe that there is an attraction (even if at first one sided). I’m not sure if I like how on page 12 Danielle pulls Adam in and begins to weep. Is she hugging him and crying? This sounds a little phony and I’m not sure audiences are going to buy it. Especially her lines afterwards she does say that it probably sounds sappy but I think that that line works best with out her also crying. I’m not sure I understand Adams line pg 14 and this is talking to you?
I think the changes you’ve made are great. The scenes flow together now and I love the ending. Second chances is a good thing to play on because so many people wonder what could have happened or what would have happened if something had gone differently. I really enjoyed reading you’re script this time around. Great job.
So overall this is solid, and most changes I think at this point are going to have to come from your own feelings and viewpoint of the script. I don't have too much feedback/criticism, but here is what I got:
A bit long (as is mine!) and I know your story has a hefty bit of everything (exposition/character development/conclusion) simply because there is a lot of dialogue. But at the end of the day, I feel like this is still just a story about two people reconnecting and if wanted/need be, should be able to be cut down while still being able to tell the same story.
In terms of the script structure, I think you're doing good now. Two reasons why - it reads fine to me in this order and also simply because why worry THAT much about this story's structure at this point - the way it's written you can worry about the final structure in post.
Now this may totally just be me, but if there had to be on thing I didn't like about this script, even though it's minor, is the AZ comments. "I mean, it is Phoenix after all" and the little shpeel about the AZ tax incentive..."self-aware" things like that, for me anyways, make me cringe cause it just takes me out of the story. It's like making a film about being in film school while in film school. Now granted this will maybe only happen to people who live and do film in AZ, but still it just gets me haha. This may be stemming from this complex I have about hating the flat, average, suburban look of AZ showing up in my films though, and is again why I say that might just be me.
D3
ReplyDeleteDUE:
hair and make-up tests for the aging
SCRIPT
I like the opening scene, but their conversation/dialogue is not as sophisticated as maybe it needs to be. A bit inane. Expressions like "Awesome!" and such, diminish your characters a bit.
Scene 2 is pretty long for a chatty scene where not much happens
is scene 3 a party? not clear at the outset
11; "You look seem embarrassed so I’ll make this easier on you." typo?
11; something I'm not getting about this scene. why is he embarrassed?
15; i know the fighting started earlier, but i realize now that i don't really have a sense of why it started. we really need to see that "pivot point" as well as the moments that hint that this pivot point is on the way. it kind of comes out of nowhere making the film feel a bit like a highlight film of important moments in their relationship and not like a narrative with full causality
22; "They’re all just images. Out" Why is "Out" there?
28; "I solve crimes by talking to dead horses." funny
34; i don't think you want her talking him into her coming along; i think you're better off (more conflict) if she's is still reluctant and he has to try to talk her into it; life has given them one last chace
GENERAL: it's pretty doggone talky. that worries me a bit. but the non-linear cutting should help because you keep the audience engaged by trying to figure out where they are and you'll naturally cut out any fat - this will be helped by the fact that you don't have to maintain continuous time.
i do think this was a valuable exercise because it shows just how "story" or "event" thin your piece is. your film will not be driven by big plot devices; it will be driven by our hope that these two get together and our fear that they won't. never forget this as you make this piece. if you don't get your audience hopeful and fearful of those 2 outcomes, your film will not work. so we have to really connect with them at the start of the piece and we have to understand and empathize with the behavior throughout.
JOURNAL
i like the general idea of using space "to portray their emotional distress" but you need some pics to communicate what you have in your head. i really have no idea. also, i'm not sure that dutch angles are the right choice of this piece; dutch angles tend to be conspicuous and could undermine the naturalism you are going for
you wrote up some good thoughts in your journal; that will help you enormously as you prepare to shoot.
however, you are 1 D Cycle behind.
but most of all...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references. I need visual references.
ReplyDeleteyou need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references. you need visual references.
ReplyDeleteyour team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references. your team will need visual references.
ReplyDeletelastly, where are your make-up tests?
ReplyDeleteTESTS
none
Alrightayyy
ReplyDeletePage 3- when he asks if she works often, I feel this is repetitious. Getting cutomers (what he asked earlier) and work is pretty much the same thing.
Page 4- I would take out the Yeah in Dianne's dialogue in "Uhm, I don't know. Yeah..". I know she is nervous but seems kinda choppy dialogue.
I really like the flow of the beginning a lot better. It has more of a beg, middle and end. Nicely done.
Page 5- I would change the "yeah, its me". I think she knows its him cause she said his name. I would change it to something more like "wow been a while" or something.
Overall I feel like there is a lot of dialogue. I know a lot of it is to show the progression (or lack there of hah) of their relationship but I feel some can be taken out.
For example page 19 when Adam says "here lets go sit down", I don't think this is necessary.
Other than that I like the progression of this version. It is a lot less choppy and works well. I agree it is a little long but I'm still tryin to figure out where to cut.
Page 1-4- I just thought of a great opening. You should start with the flash of Dianne's camera and have Adam sitting on the stool. He can begin with the line "This is a nice setup". And then you can cut based on the flashes of the camera and that way the flashbacks and forwards can be white flashes. Just a thought.
ReplyDeletePage 7- I think you can cut down their dialogue here. Adam doesn't need to ramble on about money and such. I think he should just say up to the "make time for auditions"
Page 7- A lot of the dialogue here is what the character should be thinking, not saying. Is there any way you can make the dialogue illustrate this without having to actually say it?
Page 10- slightly jumped seems like an awkward phrase. Maybe jumped slightly or barely jumped or made a minor hop. Something like that.
Page 15-16- this scene is a nice throwback to AZ film but there are somethings in here that can be trimmed down. There is a lot of dialogue and no action. Are they moving around the room here? Because if they are in bed this whole time, it might be kind of boring watching them talk for a few minutes.
Page 17- Again they are lying in bed? That might be a little weird since the scene before they were lying in bed? Are you going to keep the same angles and just have it jump back in time here? I am missing the transition here.
Page 20- I'm a confused here with the "You know why" line. I don't know why, so what is the why? Should I know? How come Dianne has to invite herself along? She is very desperate. Also, Adam was so willing to speak his feelings and now he can't say anything without Dianne finishing his sentences. Is this supposed to occur? I don't understand why his character changed that way. I feel like it should be the opposite, he's opened up more, no?
Page 22- First Adam is against the idea and then he loves it? Why the sudden shift? I say cut the whole "him not knowing what to do" and just get right to the "another purpose, no, another you" dialogue. That should save you some pages.
Do you having casting or locations in mind yet?
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThe way the story cuts to past and present is really cool. I would use this to help the audience become more invested in their relationship in the past. The beginning is great, the way they meet, but I would add happier times. I know it is already long and you are looking for things to cut, but as the reader, this relationship seems somewhat doomed. I understand that they were young and unsettled in life, but based on their past relationship, I wasn't sure why they wanted to be together again in the present. It just seemed like they were always fighting and I want a reason to root for them.
As a couple other people have said, the dialogue is really wordy, there are quite a few places where it can be trimmed down. Especially the present day scene in the bedroom and the past argument in their apartment.
One quick final comment- On Pg 11 you say, "You mean you just wanted us to go our separate ways after getting coffee?" I think it should be something a bit stronger instead of "after getting coffee" like "after spending this time together?" or "seeing each other again like this?" Just a few ideas! Other than that, good job!
A couple suggestions:
ReplyDeleteIt seems like every scene from the past they are fighting with each other. This makes me wonder why they want to be together now, their relationship seemed pretty loveless in the beginning why would they be in love 6 years later?
Another thing is when they are in bed in the present and he is telling her about the audition, I would leave out the tax incentive part. I don't think that talking about business details when the couple is in bed is really necessary.
Lastly, I didn't really like the ending too much, I didn't really feel any emotion at the end.
Hey Matt I really liked this draft. You said you were looking for places to cut, so I'll recommend some scenes or part of scenes.
ReplyDeleteScene one was a bit on the long side for me. Cutting the small talk intro or a lil bit in the middle. But I do like their relationship so far. (The way the communicate with each other and what not.)
Scene two/three is a good catch up scene, but it was kinda slow for my tastes.
scene four the line "will you stay in my life" doesn't work for me. Maybe "can I still contact you" or something like that.
I really like scene 7. I'm now realizing that you have a lot of times when the characters have like three or more sentences at a time, so if you're looking for places to cut, I'd start there.
Overall, this really good. A bit long though.
Matt,
ReplyDeleteI like the added dialogue in the opening scene seems more realistic and I’m glad they met the night before gives us time to believe that there is an attraction (even if at first one sided). I’m not sure if I like how on page 12 Danielle pulls Adam in and begins to weep. Is she hugging him and crying? This sounds a little phony and I’m not sure audiences are going to buy it. Especially her lines afterwards she does say that it probably sounds sappy but I think that that line works best with out her also crying. I’m not sure I understand Adams line pg 14 and this is talking to you?
I think the changes you’ve made are great. The scenes flow together now and I love the ending. Second chances is a good thing to play on because so many people wonder what could have happened or what would have happened if something had gone differently. I really enjoyed reading you’re script this time around. Great job.
YO
ReplyDeleteSo overall this is solid, and most changes I think at this point are going to have to come from your own feelings and viewpoint of the script. I don't have too much feedback/criticism, but here is what I got:
A bit long (as is mine!) and I know your story has a hefty bit of everything (exposition/character development/conclusion) simply because there is a lot of dialogue. But at the end of the day, I feel like this is still just a story about two people reconnecting and if wanted/need be, should be able to be cut down while still being able to tell the same story.
In terms of the script structure, I think you're doing good now. Two reasons why - it reads fine to me in this order and also simply because why worry THAT much about this story's structure at this point - the way it's written you can worry about the final structure in post.
Now this may totally just be me, but if there had to be on thing I didn't like about this script, even though it's minor, is the AZ comments. "I mean, it is Phoenix after all" and the little shpeel about the AZ tax incentive..."self-aware" things like that, for me anyways, make me cringe cause it just takes me out of the story. It's like making a film about being in film school while in film school. Now granted this will maybe only happen to people who live and do film in AZ, but still it just gets me haha. This may be stemming from this complex I have about hating the flat, average, suburban look of AZ showing up in my films though, and is again why I say that might just be me.