This is a very good story. I loved how Little Ghost set a goal, made a plan, and got something better than he was expecting. Very good script. In the beginning, who can't help but feel sorry for Little Ghost. Also, when Little Ghost didn't get the reaction he wanted from Miss Mint, I could feel his disappointment. But it made me smile at the end when he meets the girl with the mask. Definitely leaves the audience feeling hopeful and good. I was wondering in the final scene, if Little Ghost has his sheet on and the Little Girl has her mask on, how do we know that they have unnaturally large smiles on their faces? Also, there is a typo on page 8: in the INT. CLASSROOM - DAY scene: the narrator says "...almost didn't our Little Ghost." I think there should be a word between didn't and our. Other than that I really enjoyed it.
This should be fun! Haha I like it, simple and original but definitely creative with tons of room to make this great - from casting to production design it seems to be unique and I'm sure you'll take full advantage of that opportunity.
Minor things - I read through it twice and was still a little confused about the whole coloring the apple scratch and sniff stickers orange. He was trying to help her stop sneezing, right, since he knew she sneezed thanks to the apples?
Also, at the start of the script, it is narrated that the children line up at the start of the day to give the teacher her apple. Towards the end, when Little Ghost has his paper mache apple, it is implied that they are all doing this but this time at the end of the day, after the bell rings. This obviously isn't huge, and maybe done on purpose, but thought I'd point it out if not.
This is a pretty unique script and I'm more curious to here from you in person where you're wanting to head with it rather than me try and guess and suggest where you should.
Wow, i thought this was a great script, and its funny you mentioned the film "Matilda" and Miss Honey. Before I had read the journal, "Matilda" came to mind when reading the narration, because the same narration occurs at the beginning of that film (minus the fake british accent if i remember correctly. Does miss mint really care about each of her students? It seemed as though she brushed off Little Ghost pretty quickly, at least if you are wanting to make miss mint similar in character to miss honey. personally, i think having her not care at all adds more contrast to the story. It seems to me that contrast will be important to this piece. Also, what kind of feel are you aiming for? what type of tone?
I'm lovin' the mood that's set forth throughout the movie. The narrator adds this charm to an already charming story about this little ghost boy. The relation between being invisible and the boy wearing the ghost costume is also a nice touch.
I'm not sure how I feel about the narrator going off on a tangent though. It seemed to take a way a bit from the main story as suddenly the narrator becomes a character himself, though perhaps it's because I was hearing Morgan Freeman narrate. When you mentioned a british accent in the FJ, the distractions seem to fit a lot better.
I also agree with Courtney about the reaction the teacher had. Maybe, just before he hands her the apple, he's waiting in line and goes off into a day dream about how she'll react to his gift and it's a very magical experience for him. Then he can snap out of it and the teacher can give him a rather boring but still appreciative reaction.
Last note, but in that final scene, how will we see them smile? You might have a plan for that, but just a suggestion. She could put her hand out and he'll reach for it and they go off to play together.
Love this story. It's cute, funny, original, creative, and definitely entertaining for people of all ages because it touches the inner child in us all.
I like the full circle of the Little Ghost using his parents occupations as a way to reach his teachers heart.
I am a little confused on the sticker part between the apples and the pumpkin, maybe the description in the script was not entirely what you had in mind. Is he just trying to get attention by changing the stickers or does he like to be mischievous and that's why he makes them pumpkins?
The production design in this movie is key. You'll need tons of cuckoo clocks, homemade pies, and bed sheets with flowers and puppies. Love the specificity of his family, it really helps create a believable character.
Has everyone (his parents, classmates, and teacher) just accepted the fact that he wears the ghost costume? I like the Frankenstein girl, how will you show her smiling? Will she tip her mask up a bit? Or can we see her smile through the mask?
Great Story Erica. This is a story that keeps you cheering on this little ghost boy. I love the ending, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and it has a great meaning behind it that there is someone out there for everyone!
As what most people are asking how do you plan on shooting the end sequence where they both smile? I'm sure you want them to keep their costumes on but I think you could also have them both take off their costumes at the same time and you reveal them both smile at one another. After a pleasant moment of eye contact, they hold hands and head for the playground.
I can really see this working well on film, I also agree with Chelsea, production value will be crucial to doing justice to this beautiful story.
Another thing, I was a bit confused over the stickers scene, I'm sure we'll go over this in class because other people have mentioned it too.
As for the ending, I loved it! very sweet and depending on what you choose to do about expressing the smile, I don't think it' a big issue.
Lastly, I just want to add that I felt a Tim Burton feel to this, it reminded me of 'Edward Scissor Hands' - i know its very different but its quirky and the main character is indifferent, which I like.
I'm really looking forward to hearing how your going to film this, I'm guessing it will have a dark undertone to it.
Opening scene what do you mean by the “house falls down”? Does the door open or does the scene of the house literally fall out of frame? I like that we don’t see the adults and we’re somewhat brought into the child’s world. No sure about the narrator saying that “His mother, a pie maker….she made pies” It sounds kind of redundant written down but reading further it all kind of flows with the overall feel of the narrator. I find I imagine seeing this as kind of an older film where the fourth wall could be broken. Not sure what Miss Mint is allergic to, apples? The flashbacks are a little jumpy and I’m kind of lost if with these scenes. Not sure if the descriptions and what the narrator is saying match. For instance on page 6, it say’s “little Ghost shifts his body to reveal the new pumpkin stickers.” Then the narrator says “a vegetable, thought miss mint, rather odd to place…” However, we don’t see Miss Mint in this scene so it doesn’t make sense to me that the narrator would describe what she’s thinking if she’s not in the scene. I like the idea that little ghost tries to do what his parent’s made and then he realizes he has to make something he’s good at. The ending is great and wraps up this piece perfectly. I think the middle of the script needs some work to make it a little less confusing but other than that love the idea and love how the narrator is a character.
This is definitely a fun story and there are a ton of great things you can do with the production design. Most of the comments I had thought of have already been said so I won't repeat all of them. One was, I think Ritchie said it, the narrator going off on little tangents was somewhat distracting to the story. I know you mentioned "Matilda" in your journal and I was definitely got that feeling as well, but for some reason my mind kept going to the show "Pushing Daisies." It has the almost poetic Dr. Sues narration and has a lot to do with pies. I just though I would throw it out there as something you might refer to. Great job!
D1 √ 1ST DRAFT 1; "It could or would not be as any other town would or could not be. A town like and unlike any other, filled with peculiarity while dripping with the mediocrity of yesteryear. Jumping rope. Cooking steak. But like any other and any which way, this town could and might be filled with, well, a bit of madness, perhaps a little fun, perhaps, an adventure. As today of days, as was it seemed. All. Hallows. Eve." -I like this; did you write it? children's book? 1; "...the house suddenly falls down and the camera goes through the door." -door falls down? if house, how do you do it? 1; "A THUNDER CLAP is heard as the screen turns black. Suddenly, with a flash of light the faces of several, scared, SCREAMING TEENAGERS are visible. Intercut with flashes of MONSTERS in the haunted house. The screaming stops. The teenagers stand motionless, bewilderment on their faces. A small boy wearing a plain, ghost costume stands before them. LITTLE GHOST. He is faintly swaying and BOOING." -I like this, but it will take some work for you to be very specific about how to visualize this; you'll need a good dp 1; don't you want to have him try to scare and fail? is that what you are trying to convey? but all in all, i get this and like it. 3; i don't think i'm quite getting the bedsheets gag 3; "Ah, but lest me forget, you see, when a man of my stature and my, dare I say, infinite wisdom, reaches such a ripe old age, of well, a lady never tells, tee hee," -i though the narr. was a he? 3; "The camera begins to slowly pull away from Little Ghost and the scene begins to fade to black. Suddenly, the camera abruptly pushes back into Little Ghost and color returns." -what is this gag? like the film is over? let's discuss; it could work, but would need to be quick and i'm not sure it will get the laugh you hope; jokes about story structure rarely do unless they truly surprise the audience 4; "Each student holding an apple for their beloved teacher." cut image 4; never heard of an apple alergy; maybe she doesn't like apples and you cut to her tossing them out? 5; i'm not getting the scratch and sniff turn the apples into pumpkins thing 6; "How could they not understand the importance of such things?" -of what things? i'm a bit lost 6; "Such ignorance, such bliss, filling their lives like a big pink balloon sailing on and across the sea" -nice writing 7; "His dreams of cowboys and space are erased and replaced solely with Miss Mint." -do we see the new dream? did we see the old dreams? 7; i think you need to get to the plan earlier; that's your story! :-) you've waited until the end to start telling your tale 8; exploding cuckoo is funny 8; i think he has to try more than 2 things and those attempts need to play out longer than montage pieces Frankenstein ending is cute, but sort of random general; i love what you are after here and I think this is a good start, but script still needs a lot of work; you should look at mad boy (http://vimeo.com/7039268) you have a goal, but there needs be a better "tale" of his trying to accomplish his goal; and you should try to add something underneath; what will he learn? what is this about? i'm eager to read your journal
FJ the theme of being alone, lonely is perfect, but it's not fully realized yet (as one might expect give that we've just started) i can tell you can see it in your head; it's not quite coming through yet, but i have confidence that it will "I was at a haunted house a few years ago and thought how funny it would be to turn a corner and see something not frightening at all." -NOW, I get your scene. Now find a way to convey it thru the screenwriting. That really is funny! I see it. I get it. your moral and driving motivations aren't quite fully expressed in the screenplay, but i know they will be random thought: seems like eventually we should see his face; could be a powerful moment. (unless not seeing his face is the point.) good explanation of connection between yours epiphany and Matilda's the jcrew links go to the general jcrew website; glad that you did a fair amount of research here; i would use links only when you have to; copy and paste pics into your journal; it will help you in pre-prod meetings and when your shooting i really like this; think about use of "plants and payoffs"; watch Mad Boy and The Apartment for examples; remember that plants are only good if the audience doesn't know they are a plant; so the plant has to have a function in the scene in which it is planted (ask me more about this if you don't get it); for example, frankengirl should have been in the story all along, but we never would have seen their getting together coming
D2 watch MB watch A Christmas Story watch The Apartment and look for plants and payoffs - report on plants and payoffs in all 3 films
This is a very good story. I loved how Little Ghost set a goal, made a plan, and got something better than he was expecting. Very good script. In the beginning, who can't help but feel sorry for Little Ghost. Also, when Little Ghost didn't get the reaction he wanted from Miss Mint, I could feel his disappointment. But it made me smile at the end when he meets the girl with the mask. Definitely leaves the audience feeling hopeful and good. I was wondering in the final scene, if Little Ghost has his sheet on and the Little Girl has her mask on, how do we know that they have unnaturally large smiles on their faces? Also, there is a typo on page 8: in the INT. CLASSROOM - DAY scene: the narrator says "...almost didn't our Little Ghost." I think there should be a word between didn't and our. Other than that I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteThis should be fun! Haha I like it, simple and original but definitely creative with tons of room to make this great - from casting to production design it seems to be unique and I'm sure you'll take full advantage of that opportunity.
ReplyDeleteMinor things - I read through it twice and was still a little confused about the whole coloring the apple scratch and sniff stickers orange. He was trying to help her stop sneezing, right, since he knew she sneezed thanks to the apples?
Also, at the start of the script, it is narrated that the children line up at the start of the day to give the teacher her apple. Towards the end, when Little Ghost has his paper mache apple, it is implied that they are all doing this but this time at the end of the day, after the bell rings. This obviously isn't huge, and maybe done on purpose, but thought I'd point it out if not.
This is a pretty unique script and I'm more curious to here from you in person where you're wanting to head with it rather than me try and guess and suggest where you should.
I feel I can't comment on this because I co-wrote it.
ReplyDeleteKablamo.
Wow, i thought this was a great script, and its funny you mentioned the film "Matilda" and Miss Honey. Before I had read the journal, "Matilda" came to mind when reading the narration, because the same narration occurs at the beginning of that film (minus the fake british accent if i remember correctly.
ReplyDeleteDoes miss mint really care about each of her students? It seemed as though she brushed off Little Ghost pretty quickly, at least if you are wanting to make miss mint similar in character to miss honey. personally, i think having her not care at all adds more contrast to the story. It seems to me that contrast will be important to this piece. Also, what kind of feel are you aiming for? what type of tone?
I'm lovin' the mood that's set forth throughout the movie. The narrator adds this charm to an already charming story about this little ghost boy. The relation between being invisible and the boy wearing the ghost costume is also a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I feel about the narrator going off on a tangent though. It seemed to take a way a bit from the main story as suddenly the narrator becomes a character himself, though perhaps it's because I was hearing Morgan Freeman narrate. When you mentioned a british accent in the FJ, the distractions seem to fit a lot better.
I also agree with Courtney about the reaction the teacher had. Maybe, just before he hands her the apple, he's waiting in line and goes off into a day dream about how she'll react to his gift and it's a very magical experience for him. Then he can snap out of it and the teacher can give him a rather boring but still appreciative reaction.
Last note, but in that final scene, how will we see them smile? You might have a plan for that, but just a suggestion. She could put her hand out and he'll reach for it and they go off to play together.
Love this story. It's cute, funny, original, creative, and definitely entertaining for people of all ages because it touches the inner child in us all.
ReplyDeleteI like the full circle of the Little Ghost using his parents occupations as a way to reach his teachers heart.
I am a little confused on the sticker part between the apples and the pumpkin, maybe the description in the script was not entirely what you had in mind. Is he just trying to get attention by changing the stickers or does he like to be mischievous and that's why he makes them pumpkins?
The production design in this movie is key. You'll need tons of cuckoo clocks, homemade pies, and bed sheets with flowers and puppies. Love the specificity of his family, it really helps create a believable character.
Has everyone (his parents, classmates, and teacher) just accepted the fact that he wears the ghost costume? I like the Frankenstein girl, how will you show her smiling? Will she tip her mask up a bit? Or can we see her smile through the mask?
Great Story Erica. This is a story that keeps you cheering on this little ghost boy. I love the ending, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and it has a great meaning behind it that there is someone out there for everyone!
ReplyDeleteAs what most people are asking how do you plan on shooting the end sequence where they both smile? I'm sure you want them to keep their costumes on but I think you could also have them both take off their costumes at the same time and you reveal them both smile at one another. After a pleasant moment of eye contact, they hold hands and head for the playground.
Overall, Good Things! :)
Good job Erica!
ReplyDeleteI can really see this working well on film, I also agree with Chelsea, production value will be crucial to doing justice to this beautiful story.
Another thing, I was a bit confused over the stickers scene, I'm sure we'll go over this in class because other people have mentioned it too.
As for the ending, I loved it! very sweet and depending on what you choose to do about expressing the smile, I don't think it' a big issue.
Lastly, I just want to add that I felt a Tim Burton feel to this, it reminded me of 'Edward Scissor Hands' - i know its very different but its quirky and the main character is indifferent, which I like.
I'm really looking forward to hearing how your going to film this, I'm guessing it will have a dark undertone to it.
Opening scene what do you mean by the “house falls down”? Does the door open or does the scene of the house literally fall out of frame? I like that we don’t see the adults and we’re somewhat brought into the child’s world. No sure about the narrator saying that “His mother, a pie maker….she made pies” It sounds kind of redundant written down but reading further it all kind of flows with the overall feel of the narrator. I find I imagine seeing this as kind of an older film where the fourth wall could be broken. Not sure what Miss Mint is allergic to, apples? The flashbacks are a little jumpy and I’m kind of lost if with these scenes. Not sure if the descriptions and what the narrator is saying match. For instance on page 6, it say’s “little Ghost shifts his body to reveal the new pumpkin stickers.” Then the narrator says “a vegetable, thought miss mint, rather odd to place…” However, we don’t see Miss Mint in this scene so it doesn’t make sense to me that the narrator would describe what she’s thinking if she’s not in the scene. I like the idea that little ghost tries to do what his parent’s made and then he realizes he has to make something he’s good at. The ending is great and wraps up this piece perfectly. I think the middle of the script needs some work to make it a little less confusing but other than that love the idea and love how the narrator is a character.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a fun story and there are a ton of great things you can do with the production design. Most of the comments I had thought of have already been said so I won't repeat all of them. One was, I think Ritchie said it, the narrator going off on little tangents was somewhat distracting to the story. I know you mentioned "Matilda" in your journal and I was definitely got that feeling as well, but for some reason my mind kept going to the show "Pushing Daisies." It has the almost poetic Dr. Sues narration and has a lot to do with pies. I just though I would throw it out there as something you might refer to. Great job!
ReplyDeleteD1 √
ReplyDelete1ST DRAFT
1; "It could or would not be as any other town would or could not be. A town like and unlike any other, filled with peculiarity while dripping with the mediocrity of yesteryear. Jumping rope. Cooking steak. But like any other and any which way, this town could and might be filled with, well, a bit of madness, perhaps a little fun, perhaps, an adventure. As today of days, as was it seemed. All. Hallows. Eve."
-I like this; did you write it? children's book?
1; "...the house suddenly falls down and the camera goes through the door."
-door falls down? if house, how do you do it?
1; "A THUNDER CLAP is heard as the screen turns black. Suddenly, with a flash of light the faces of several, scared, SCREAMING TEENAGERS are visible. Intercut with flashes of MONSTERS in the haunted house. The screaming stops. The teenagers stand motionless, bewilderment on their faces. A small boy wearing a plain, ghost costume stands before them. LITTLE GHOST. He is faintly swaying and BOOING."
-I like this, but it will take some work for you to be very specific about how to visualize this; you'll need a good dp
1; don't you want to have him try to scare and fail? is that what you are trying to convey? but all in all, i get this and like it.
3; i don't think i'm quite getting the bedsheets gag
3; "Ah, but lest me forget, you see, when a man of my stature and my, dare I say, infinite wisdom, reaches such a ripe old age, of well, a lady never tells, tee hee,"
-i though the narr. was a he?
3; "The camera begins to slowly pull away from Little Ghost and the scene begins to fade to black. Suddenly, the camera abruptly pushes back into Little Ghost and color returns."
-what is this gag? like the film is over? let's discuss; it could work, but would need to be quick and i'm not sure it will get the laugh you hope; jokes about story structure rarely do unless they truly surprise the audience
4; "Each student holding an apple for their beloved teacher." cut image
4; never heard of an apple alergy; maybe she doesn't like apples and you cut to her tossing them out?
5; i'm not getting the scratch and sniff turn the apples into pumpkins thing
6; "How could they not understand the importance of such things?"
-of what things? i'm a bit lost
6; "Such ignorance, such bliss, filling their lives like a big pink balloon sailing on and across the sea"
-nice writing
7; "His dreams of cowboys and space are erased and replaced solely with Miss Mint."
-do we see the new dream? did we see the old dreams?
7; i think you need to get to the plan earlier; that's your story! :-) you've waited until the end to start telling your tale
8; exploding cuckoo is funny
8; i think he has to try more than 2 things and those attempts need to play out longer than montage pieces
Frankenstein ending is cute, but sort of random
general; i love what you are after here and I think this is a good start, but script still needs a lot of work; you should look at mad boy (http://vimeo.com/7039268)
you have a goal, but there needs be a better "tale" of his trying to accomplish his goal; and you should try to add something underneath; what will he learn? what is this about? i'm eager to read your journal
FJ
ReplyDeletethe theme of being alone, lonely is perfect, but it's not fully realized yet (as one might expect give that we've just started)
i can tell you can see it in your head; it's not quite coming through yet, but i have confidence that it will
"I was at a haunted house a few years ago and thought how funny it would be to turn a corner and see something not frightening at all."
-NOW, I get your scene. Now find a way to convey it thru the screenwriting. That really is funny! I see it. I get it.
your moral and driving motivations aren't quite fully expressed in the screenplay, but i know they will be
random thought: seems like eventually we should see his face; could be a powerful moment. (unless not seeing his face is the point.)
good explanation of connection between yours epiphany and Matilda's
the jcrew links go to the general jcrew website; glad that you did a fair amount of research here; i would use links only when you have to; copy and paste pics into your journal; it will help you in pre-prod meetings and when your shooting
i really like this; think about use of "plants and payoffs"; watch Mad Boy and The Apartment for examples; remember that plants are only good if the audience doesn't know they are a plant; so the plant has to have a function in the scene in which it is planted (ask me more about this if you don't get it); for example, frankengirl should have been in the story all along, but we never would have seen their getting together coming
D2
watch MB
watch A Christmas Story
watch The Apartment and look for plants and payoffs - report on plants and payoffs in all 3 films