Overall I like this draft. Although only minor changes are present, they all seem to strengthen your script.
The one thing that kind of pulled me out was the lengthy action dialogue. It kind of reminds me of my original screenplay. I don't think this will be that big of a deal though when it comes to shooting. As long as you have an experienced crew.
Every time I read this script it reminds me of Adam's film "Mad Boy." I don't know if thats what your going for but I'm sure he could offer the best advise on how to shoot a project like this.
I really enjoyed the script, and even more so, this latest draft (which is also, what I am assuming, is the final incarnation).
I am glad that you (and Chris) decided to include “The Little Girl” in the story much more early on then I your previous drafts. We now get why she’s so special, and why he appearance at the end of the story is so important (with her cute lil purple sheet mask all!). I love when she giggles at the Lil Ghost’s sneeze in the hallway!
But why is her name in CAPS throughout the whole script though?
I also like you including the new story element of Miss Sorrel and her awfully challenging math problems. You have added a lot more conflict over the course of the semester, which makes this Lil Ghost’s struggles in “life” and therefore his crush on Miss Mint much more relevant.
The ending is great! As I kind of touched on earlier, by adding “The Little Girl” into the story at the very beginning, and then peppering in her reactions and little appearances throughout the end, we get what this story is all about. I am also glad that you got rid of the Frankenstein mask, and just went with another sheet, only purple. The two of them are really one and the same.
Quick question about that though… where does she get the sheet from in the first place? I know it’s in the class with the arts n crafts, but why is it sheets they are working with.
This really is the best example of a re-write we have (or at least I have) seen all semester… I know that I have been kind of “tough” on you about this film because I just didn’t quite by or see how this would all come together… but I will admit that with this (please let it be!) final draft, you have made me a believer!
I gotta start commenting before Ian cause he always says what I wanna say. Dangit Ian.
Adding the little girl at the very beginning is awesome. Very good idea. Just seeing her for that second in the beginning adds a lot I think.
I also like the birthday cake part. And I really like the line "Her empty seat would only grow emptier." Very nice.
I also like the Ms. Sorrel character even more now too. I definitely think this is your strongest draft. I think you're pretty much ready to get this thing in motion! Yay Lil' Ghost!
I noticed you mentioned the name Hector at the beginning with the Narrator. Who is Hector?
pg 2-Nice introduction of the LIttle Girl at the beginning.
pg 8- With Ms. Sorrel, I get the feeling of Ms. Trunchbowl from Matilda. Especially with the yardstick. Nice touch.
pg 9- I like that Principal's office scene, but you can avoid all of that by just having one of those huge calendars that elementary teachers have in there classrooms with a big red apple on Miss Mint's birthday that says "Miss Mint's Birthday". I think the idea of a kid under the age of 8 sneaking into the principals office and knowing where to look for a teachers file is a little far fetched.
pg 9- I really like how you've been incorporating the Little Girl so far. Just as Little Ghost sees her, just as a background character, not the main focus.
pg 9- With this new draft, I don't see the necessity of the sticker scene. I think the fact that Little Ghost attempts to makes the pie and the clock are enough to show he is trying to create the perfect present and not have a repeat of Miss Coriander. But the sticker scene seems out of place.
pg 12-Also, I am still unsure why you have this little scene with the tortoises. What purposes do they have?
pg 12- Why a Christmas present? I thought he was looking up Miss Mints birthday? Not Christmas present. I think linking the traumatic events by their birthdays is better then jumping to Christmas.
Plus, his theme is Halloween, not Christmas.
pg 15- Very cute that we see how the Little Girl goes after LIttle Ghost with her self-made purple ghost outfit. I think that was so cute and you were hoping it would happen all along.
im also wondering if that is the real title? this final draft has really pulled things together really nice. i also found it a bit weird that the narrator talks about a character named hector. if there is no hector in the script i would leave that part out. i was totally confused. but maybe that is what you are going for. i agree with chelsea and thinks she has a good idea in using a calendar to get the birthdays instead of the way it is written now, i could really simplify that whole section, which may be a little complicated at the moment.
Hey Erica, This is looking really good! 1: I like the rubber bat, the animal kind. 2: nice into on the Little Girl! 6: again really liking the inclusion of the Little Girl throughout the story. 7: Im really feeling sorry for little ghost here. The changes to this sequence really helped the scene. 8: i like the addition of Ms. sorrel 16: love the last few lines! The incorporation of the little girl is really paying off. I'm liking the script that much more because she doesn't just pop up at the end. But she grows and grows at a very good pace. Overall, a job well done!
Really love the inserts of the Little Girl into the story. The ending is a lot stronger for the audience knowing about her earlier on.
Not much to comment on as I think you handled a lot of the old issues very well. We've gotten to see Little Ghost's motivations much clearer and his reward at the end is much more satisfying.
Good stuff! Can't wait to finally see it come to life.
Best. New. Totally-For-Real Title Ever. Don't change a thing, really.
So good work with the addition of the little girl throughout, it helps round out your adorable script with a much stronger adorable ending (not sarcasm). I love her tactic of disguising herself to finally get the attention of Lil' Ghost. However, now that we've seen the girl and what she looks like throughout, I'm wondering if your X-ray bubbles are necessary. The little girl made the decision to dress up to catch LG's attention, why not just leave it at this in all of her costumy glory and keep LG as the sweet-yet-mysterious star of the script?
Aside from that, here's how I feel about this draft overall. It's there, I can see your film in here. But, I think there's a lot of built up fluff that has gotten put in through all these revisions that can be cut or written in a much more quick-paced, effective and ultimately fun style. All the back story and flashbacks to Ms. Coriander and Ms. Sorrel drag it down for me. I understand this part of the script's purpose, to explain LG's motivation and concern over making Miss Mint happy (at least that's all I'm taking from those parts), but I just think it's going way too off the path your film is traveling on at the point. I'd say either cut them and find a new and creative way to explain the same motivation in the present day, or at least find a way to make these flashbacks super quick, in and out.
That's my biggest quarrel. Maybe a few other parts here and there could use the same approach of slimming down but other than that, I see your script here. Just make it lose those extra pounds and tweak it (your script used to 10 pages, now it's 16!!!) and you're there.
Anyways, I really like the changes you've made. At first i didn't like the addition of the other teachers but i think you've worked them in well. Especially the new "substitute" teacher. Also i think you dug gold with including Little Girl throughout the story. This definitely gives her more character and the story more character and the audience a want to follow little ghost and have him notice little girl.
I really like that she's not frankenstein anymore. I love that she also ends up wearing a sheet. So cute.
I love the changes you've made and i'm so excited to see this! Good Work :)
Well as everyone is saying, Great job with putting the little girl throughout the entire script so the payoff at the end has much more of an impact on the audience.
With Ian's question on where she gets the sheets, I really don't think this is an issue. Seeing it in the arts and crafts is more than enough. Even if you didn't have that or we didn't see where she got the sheets doesn't matter to me because the message is strong enough throughout the script that she likes him and it comes all together with her making the ghost outfit to show her crush on LG.
I do agree with Nick that there are parts with the teachers that drag on a bit and it seems that you may be able to cut some of that stuff out. I wouldn't say cut them entirely but either shorten them up or make it a quick flashback where we're in and then we come out quite fast.
Overall Great stuff guys, a touching piece indeed.
The addition of the little girl's presence is what I felt was missing all along and now that it is there you have the missing piece of the puzzle. The narrator additions are also very whimsical and funny. Good Times. Can't wait to see it.
Overall I like this draft. Although only minor changes are present, they all seem to strengthen your script.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that kind of pulled me out was the lengthy action dialogue. It kind of reminds me of my original screenplay. I don't think this will be that big of a deal though when it comes to shooting. As long as you have an experienced crew.
Every time I read this script it reminds me of Adam's film "Mad Boy." I don't know if thats what your going for but I'm sure he could offer the best advise on how to shoot a project like this.
Miss Mazzella,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the script, and even more so, this latest draft (which is also, what I am assuming, is the final incarnation).
I am glad that you (and Chris) decided to include “The Little Girl” in the story much more early on then I your previous drafts. We now get why she’s so special, and why he appearance at the end of the story is so important (with her cute lil purple sheet mask all!). I love when she giggles at the Lil Ghost’s sneeze in the hallway!
But why is her name in CAPS throughout the whole script though?
I also like you including the new story element of Miss Sorrel and her awfully challenging math problems. You have added a lot more conflict over the course of the semester, which makes this Lil Ghost’s struggles in “life” and therefore his crush on Miss Mint much more relevant.
The ending is great! As I kind of touched on earlier, by adding “The Little Girl” into the story at the very beginning, and then peppering in her reactions and little appearances throughout the end, we get what this story is all about. I am also glad that you got rid of the Frankenstein mask, and just went with another sheet, only purple. The two of them are really one and the same.
Quick question about that though… where does she get the sheet from in the first place? I know it’s in the class with the arts n crafts, but why is it sheets they are working with.
This really is the best example of a re-write we have (or at least I have) seen all semester… I know that I have been kind of “tough” on you about this film because I just didn’t quite by or see how this would all come together… but I will admit that with this (please let it be!) final draft, you have made me a believer!
Congrats to both you and Chris!
I gotta start commenting before Ian cause he always says what I wanna say. Dangit Ian.
ReplyDeleteAdding the little girl at the very beginning is awesome. Very good idea. Just seeing her for that second in the beginning adds a lot I think.
I also like the birthday cake part. And I really like the line "Her empty seat would only grow emptier." Very nice.
I also like the Ms. Sorrel character even more now too. I definitely think this is your strongest draft. I think you're pretty much ready to get this thing in motion! Yay Lil' Ghost!
So is that seriously the new title?
ReplyDeleteI noticed you mentioned the name Hector at the beginning with the Narrator. Who is Hector?
pg 2-Nice introduction of the LIttle Girl at the beginning.
pg 8- With Ms. Sorrel, I get the feeling of Ms. Trunchbowl from Matilda. Especially with the yardstick. Nice touch.
pg 9- I like that Principal's office scene, but you can avoid all of that by just having one of those huge calendars that elementary teachers have in there classrooms with a big red apple on Miss Mint's birthday that says "Miss Mint's Birthday". I think the idea of a kid under the age of 8 sneaking into the principals office and knowing where to look for a teachers file is a little far fetched.
pg 9- I really like how you've been incorporating the Little Girl so far. Just as Little Ghost sees her, just as a background character, not the main focus.
pg 9- With this new draft, I don't see the necessity of the sticker scene. I think the fact that Little Ghost attempts to makes the pie and the clock are enough to show he is trying to create the perfect present and not have a repeat of Miss Coriander. But the sticker scene seems out of place.
pg 12-Also, I am still unsure why you have this little scene with the tortoises. What purposes do they have?
pg 12- Why a Christmas present? I thought he was looking up Miss Mints birthday? Not Christmas present. I think linking the traumatic events by their birthdays is better then jumping to Christmas.
Plus, his theme is Halloween, not Christmas.
pg 15- Very cute that we see how the Little Girl goes after LIttle Ghost with her self-made purple ghost outfit. I think that was so cute and you were hoping it would happen all along.
im also wondering if that is the real title?
ReplyDeletethis final draft has really pulled things together really nice. i also found it a bit weird that the narrator talks about a character named hector. if there is no hector in the script i would leave that part out. i was totally confused. but maybe that is what you are going for.
i agree with chelsea and thinks she has a good idea in using a calendar to get the birthdays instead of the way it is written now, i could really simplify that whole section, which may be a little complicated at the moment.
Hey Erica,
ReplyDeleteThis is looking really good!
1: I like the rubber bat, the animal kind.
2: nice into on the Little Girl!
6: again really liking the inclusion of the Little Girl throughout the story.
7: Im really feeling sorry for little ghost here. The changes to this sequence really helped the scene.
8: i like the addition of Ms. sorrel
16: love the last few lines!
The incorporation of the little girl is really paying off. I'm liking the script that much more because she doesn't just pop up at the end. But she grows and grows at a very good pace.
Overall, a job well done!
Really love the inserts of the Little Girl into the story. The ending is a lot stronger for the audience knowing about her earlier on.
ReplyDeleteNot much to comment on as I think you handled a lot of the old issues very well. We've gotten to see Little Ghost's motivations much clearer and his reward at the end is much more satisfying.
Good stuff! Can't wait to finally see it come to life.
Erica, Chris -
ReplyDeleteBest. New. Totally-For-Real Title Ever. Don't change a thing, really.
So good work with the addition of the little girl throughout, it helps round out your adorable script with a much stronger adorable ending (not sarcasm). I love her tactic of disguising herself to finally get the attention of Lil' Ghost. However, now that we've seen the girl and what she looks like throughout, I'm wondering if your X-ray bubbles are necessary. The little girl made the decision to dress up to catch LG's attention, why not just leave it at this in all of her costumy glory and keep LG as the sweet-yet-mysterious star of the script?
Aside from that, here's how I feel about this draft overall. It's there, I can see your film in here. But, I think there's a lot of built up fluff that has gotten put in through all these revisions that can be cut or written in a much more quick-paced, effective and ultimately fun style. All the back story and flashbacks to Ms. Coriander and Ms. Sorrel drag it down for me. I understand this part of the script's purpose, to explain LG's motivation and concern over making Miss Mint happy (at least that's all I'm taking from those parts), but I just think it's going way too off the path your film is traveling on at the point. I'd say either cut them and find a new and creative way to explain the same motivation in the present day, or at least find a way to make these flashbacks super quick, in and out.
That's my biggest quarrel. Maybe a few other parts here and there could use the same approach of slimming down but other than that, I see your script here. Just make it lose those extra pounds and tweak it (your script used to 10 pages, now it's 16!!!) and you're there.
Wait is that the real title...haha just kidding.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I really like the changes you've made. At first i didn't like the addition of the other teachers but i think you've worked them in well. Especially the new "substitute" teacher. Also i think you dug gold with including Little Girl throughout the story. This definitely gives her more character and the story more character and the audience a want to follow little ghost and have him notice little girl.
I really like that she's not frankenstein anymore. I love that she also ends up wearing a sheet. So cute.
I love the changes you've made and i'm so excited to see this! Good Work :)
Hey you love birds!
ReplyDeleteWell as everyone is saying, Great job with putting the little girl throughout the entire script so the payoff at the end has much more of an impact on the audience.
With Ian's question on where she gets the sheets, I really don't think this is an issue. Seeing it in the arts and crafts is more than enough. Even if you didn't have that or we didn't see where she got the sheets doesn't matter to me because the message is strong enough throughout the script that she likes him and it comes all together with her making the ghost outfit to show her crush on LG.
I do agree with Nick that there are parts with the teachers that drag on a bit and it seems that you may be able to cut some of that stuff out. I wouldn't say cut them entirely but either shorten them up or make it a quick flashback where we're in and then we come out quite fast.
Overall Great stuff guys, a touching piece indeed.
The addition of the little girl's presence is what I felt was missing all along and now that it is there you have the missing piece of the puzzle. The narrator additions are also very whimsical and funny. Good Times. Can't wait to see it.
ReplyDelete