Pg1 - Give "Surveyor #1" a name straight away. It's going to confuse the audience if his title changes to a name later on and it's easier for the reader to identify with the character if you give them a name. And this is just an opinion of mine. Give Jim and all your other characters last names. Give them a backstory, a purpose, even if it's not in the script, it's always good to have.
Also, another not about the name Surveryor#1....if theres a number one then why is there a Jim and not a number 2?
Pg3 - Avoid using "as if's" just say "mouth agape, frozen in a silent scream" It reads better.
Capitalize people's names when you first introduce them in the action.
Pg4 - Dialogue needs some smoothing out. "You're just a lying motherfucker" doesn't sound right. The motherfucker seems forced. Pulled me out for a sec.
Also, each character sounds the same. They all sound like versions of the same person to me.
Pg5 - I'm confused. Are these guys cops. You said stakeout earlier. Why did they just kill someone without thinking about it? You need to make this clearer when they're introduced. At this point, I know they're bad guys, or dirty, but I can't tell if their cops or just outlaws. Confusing.
Also, as far as this reads, this was all done out in the open, during the day. Seems a little farfetched to me that everything just runs so smoothly.
Pg7-9 - You need to reevaluate how you write your action. There are too many words. Right now you are writing this like someone would write a book, opposed to a script. You need go through and cut out anything that is unnecessary. Anything that the reader does not need to know or find a way to get your points across with less words. It's overwhelming to the eye and as the reader, I am getting pulled out of story just by how the action is written.
And. I still don't understand. Are they cops? How are they getting away with all of this?
"They don't have you" - I think this is gonna come off as cheezy
Pg10 - "There were three people in that room, not tow. And I wound up chasing one of them through half the fucking city. " What's the point of restating something that just happened? The audience already knows this.
pg11-12 - You've got a lot of "OH NO!" moments in here. The problem is they are coming out of nowhere and seem to be placed in the script simply to keep the movie moving forward. They seem like throw aways, or a way to explain the story without actual plot of visuals, but instead having the characters just say it and react.
It's just a really weird transition from a well oiled machine of a hit squad (are they a hit squad??) to a group of men bickering at one another with distrust, which evolves into people disappearing from the group at random.
Bottom of pg 13 - This kind of action should not talk 3/4 of a page to write. it can be cut way down.
And into 14. This again sounds like you're writing a book. Go through and find what's really important to the script.
I don't understand the purpose of this flashback.
Ending?
What is happening? I don't get this at all. You opened up with a dead child. Making the movie seem like it would be a thriller, but from what I've read there is nothing tying these two stories together. More importantly, there is no real end. I don't understand what conflict was the be overcame or how they overcame it. Bulletin got shot. Fell in water. He is now, am I getting this right, working for the feds? This ending came out of nowhere and I don't understand what is happening or why it is happening at all. I feel like you're trying to sell an "OH MY GOD THAT"S WHAT HAPPENED MOMENT" but it's not coming across at all. I'm just confused. Overall, I'm not entirely sure what this story is about.
First off i wanted to say that i think this is a good script it definitely kept me interested but i was confused on a lot of things. Not that the script is confusing, but the characters and locations need some clarification, also how the characters are related. The first part that i needed some help with was the opening scene. We find something that is really intriguing, which is the dead body but we never find out what happens with that, why it happens, and who did it? maybe you hinted at it, but i didnt catch it. Also, at first i thought bulletin kinson and parno were undercover cops until they started shooting all these people. but then later on in the story, when the two men are walking on the playground, you made me believe that bulletin was some kind of undercover fbi agent or something that does all the fbi's dirty, under-the-table work. If im waaaaay off, its because the story was clarified enough. I think you hint at a lot of things, but something we cant pick up those hints, especially just reading the script. i would have liked to have seen some link with the dead child that was found in the beginning. i cant remember if this is a pilot but there was no closure to the story, it just sort of the ends. There is a lot of questions unanswered. interesting script tho!
Hey Lucas, I wasn’t able to check out your first deliverable a few weeks ago, so this whole project was brand new to me. I didn’t find your film journal on the Delivery Cycle website, but Ijust finished reading your 1st Draft for the film. My thoughts below:
Page 1 – You didn’t capitalize two land surveyors when you first introduced them in the script. Whenever a new character makes its appearance, their names (or in this case, titles) need to be in caps so the reader knows whom they are. Not a big deal, but one of my personal pet peeves.
Page 2 - You need to get rid of the parentheses, like "(With revulsion") or "(With Disgust)". It slows down the script, and since the lines that follow deal directly with these emotions ("What the fuck?"), they aren’t needed.
Page 3 - Typo on "...three men awake there intended...” it should be their*.
Page 3 – Same issue on Page 2… names aren’t in caps.
Page 5 – Typo with “…more run down then the exterior which suggest…” You mean then the exterior suggests*?
Page 6 – After the first line on the page, it cuts to Bulletin inside the house… but you forgot to include the scene heading. There is also a Typo here, when it says, “… Where Steve Bulletin, with his back…” as it is not in proper form (passed tense vs. present tense). You do this a lot through the script, so you just need to go through it again and change it to the proper form.
Page 6 – “…who has now flet..” should be fled*
Page 6 – You add too much detail to things that don’t need it (this goes back to the parenthesis’s I talked about earlier). ½ through this page, you say he pulls out a bullet proof vest with FBI written on it… and then say indicating that he works for the Federal Bureau blah blah blah… all you need to say is he pulls out a vest that says FBI. The audience will get the rest (sorry if the blah blah blah sounded rude… I was trying to make a point).
Page 7 – Typo on “…jumps on the hoos…, should be hood*, as is “… both men hot fence…”, should be hop*
Page 8 – Need to put INSERT SHOT – CLOSE UP OF BILLIARDS BREAKING, so we know it’s a shot (vs. close up of balls).
Page 9 - The line “They don’t have you” reads pretty cheesy and bad. Need something more powerful.
Page 9 – Also, when Bulletin walks out of the bar and you say Willie sinks lower and lower with every step… this reads very “cartoony” for me. I think he should just drop as soon as the shots go off, and as Bulletin walks out, he stops and tells Willie to stand up.
Page 10 – Typo on “would you car to see a menu”, should be care*. Also, you put “very, good”, when it should be one line (“very good”)
Page 10 – “we let a hel” should be “we left* a hell*”
Page 11 – The line “Bulletin leans back in his chair”, and then putting “(Interrupting). Jesus Christ!” reads badly. If you want him to interrupt McGrath, just put the “Jesus Christ” line right after McGrath’s line… then put the he leans back in his chair.
Page 13 – Your scene settings/ descriptions read too clunky and awkward. You could really cut down the descriptions with a simple rewrite and make the script flow smoother. It’s not good to have ¾ of a page with just descriptions as it throws of the reader (especially one as illiterate as me). So for example instead of:
“Steve Bulletin steps out of the restaurant at a moment when the city seems to be experiencing a brief and unsettling mid-afternoon lull with pedestrians and traffic for that time of day. Standing still, he takes a deep breathe and removes from his jacket pocket the envelope containing the money he was just given and deposits it into his front pants pocket.”
You could say:
“Bulletin steps out of the restaurant and onto the city street. It is calm and quite, disturbed by a few cars and walking pedestrians. He takes a deep breath, pulls out the money envelope from his jacket pocket, and then places it into his pant’s pocket.
That isn’t a great example but it really “trims the fat”, getting to the point quicker.
For the rest of the pages, there were a number of typos, but I didn’t want to hammer the point in. Overall, I think you have a decent story here, although I don’t quite understand the ending (was that the ending, as there wasn’t a “The End.” Line).
Basically, in your next re-write you need to go through and do a pretty substantially check on your descriptions/ scene actions. Throughout the entire script, it goes back and forth between past and present tense, which makes the script an awkward read. As you are doing this though, you should really “trim the fat” like how I example above… I think you will find that it will be a much more tighter and interesting script to read... as well as correct all the typo’s/ grammatical errors (which we ALL make!!!).
Also, are you planning on actually shooting this script? It sounds like a pretty ambitious project… I like it!
You are on the right path Lucas, you just need to do a technical rewrite (meaning the structure, rather then the narrative), and I think this will be great!
I thought the first couple of pages were really good, actually the whole first third of the script was really interesting. However, as soon as it did the flash back is where I started to get lost. The ending definetley needs to be flushed out. Another observation; if parno and bulliten were having that discussion while boxing, wouldn't bulliten kind of know what happened to parno and who was shooting at him. My suggestion would to be to just keep the story in the present and avoid the flashbacks. Since this is an action film, the audience really doesn't need that much of a background story.
Interesting story. I was definitely hooked in on the first few pages. A lot of the typos and issues have been addressed by Chris and Ian so I won't repeat them.
Page 4- Jim's line "David, David...come quick" sounds cheesy. But I'm picturing this whole scene to be similar to an opening for CSI:Miami.
Page 5- "...all anybody talks about is RBI's" I think should be "are RBI's"
Page 9- Did you want to say "Aw shit" or "Ah shit"?
Not too sure on the actual story you have here. You have a lot of great action scenes and I get a general sense of the characters. But the ending was a little confusing, maybe it was because I missed the fact that you jumped back and forth between present and past.
There are A LOT of props and equipment required for this film. Do you have access to these items? Like a Lexus and bullet proof vests?
Good work here overall. I didn't see your script during the last delivery cycle so I apologize for being behind on your story.
Pg 6 - "Nothing important" Is he saying this as in they think they're above the FBI or is he worried and trying to hide it?
Pg 7 - The mother's dialog is unnecessary and will slow down the scene.
Pg 8 - "the Baseline Billiards Academy. A place frequented by some of the areas most prominent political deal makers by night, and high school drop-outs and underworld wannabes by day. " How do we know this?
Pg 9 - The guy he's chasing after just decides to hide? He doesn't have a gun? Even if he didn't, he doesn't even try to fight back or get away when he's in the closet? Just seems like a fight or flight situation would be the natural thing, like the guy, after pleading, would at least try to run past Bulletin.
Pg 10 - He's just had a hard few days - he's not going to order iced tea, he's going to order a real drink.
Pg 12- So McGrath is sort of like his boss, so why would McGrath be all worried and scared that Bulletin would be questioning if McGrath had anything to do with Parno disappearing? I think it would be the other way aound - McGrath would think maybe Bulletin had something to do with Parno just so stay with the chain of command thing.
Pg 13 - I'm excited to see where you go with this - what I'm getting right now is that whoever is shooting him plans on taking him as a hostage basically because if they wanted him dead and they're good enough to not be seen by anyone, they're probably also good enough to hit a target in the correct spot in order to kill him.
Pg 15 - Just for the script it would be helpful to indicate if the 18 months later is still a flashback and where the flashback actually ends (if it does). Also, the shots of welding play no part in the script right now, so just wondering if that's going to mean something later on?
I think this'll turn out really nicely, excited to read more.
Pg1 - Give "Surveyor #1" a name straight away. It's going to confuse the audience if his title changes to a name later on and it's easier for the reader to identify with the character if you give them a name. And this is just an opinion of mine. Give Jim and all your other characters last names. Give them a backstory, a purpose, even if it's not in the script, it's always good to have.
ReplyDeleteAlso, another not about the name Surveryor#1....if theres a number one then why is there a Jim and not a number 2?
Pg3 - Avoid using "as if's" just say "mouth agape, frozen in a silent scream" It reads better.
Capitalize people's names when you first introduce them in the action.
Pg4 - Dialogue needs some smoothing out. "You're just a lying motherfucker" doesn't sound right. The motherfucker seems forced. Pulled me out for a sec.
Also, each character sounds the same. They all sound like versions of the same person to me.
Pg5 - I'm confused. Are these guys cops. You said stakeout earlier. Why did they just kill someone without thinking about it? You need to make this clearer when they're introduced. At this point, I know they're bad guys, or dirty, but I can't tell if their cops or just outlaws. Confusing.
Also, as far as this reads, this was all done out in the open, during the day. Seems a little farfetched to me that everything just runs so smoothly.
Pg7-9 - You need to reevaluate how you write your action. There are too many words. Right now you are writing this like someone would write a book, opposed to a script. You need go through and cut out anything that is unnecessary. Anything that the reader does not need to know or find a way to get your points across with less words. It's overwhelming to the eye and as the reader, I am getting pulled out of story just by how the action is written.
And. I still don't understand. Are they cops? How are they getting away with all of this?
"They don't have you" - I think this is gonna come off as cheezy
Pg10 - "There were three people in that room, not tow. And I wound up
chasing one of them through half the fucking city. " What's the point of restating something that just happened? The audience already knows this.
pg11-12 - You've got a lot of "OH NO!" moments in here. The problem is they are coming out of nowhere and seem to be placed in the script simply to keep the movie moving forward. They seem like throw aways, or a way to explain the story without actual plot of visuals, but instead having the characters just say it and react.
It's just a really weird transition from a well oiled machine of a hit squad (are they a hit squad??) to a group of men bickering at one another with distrust, which evolves into people disappearing from the group at random.
Bottom of pg 13 - This kind of action should not talk 3/4 of a page to write. it can be cut way down.
And into 14. This again sounds like you're writing a book. Go through and find what's really important to the script.
I don't understand the purpose of this flashback.
Ending?
What is happening? I don't get this at all. You opened up with a dead child. Making the movie seem like it would be a thriller, but from what I've read there is nothing tying these two stories together. More importantly, there is no real end. I don't understand what conflict was the be overcame or how they overcame it. Bulletin got shot. Fell in water. He is now, am I getting this right, working for the feds? This ending came out of nowhere and I don't understand what is happening or why it is happening at all. I feel like you're trying to sell an "OH MY GOD THAT"S WHAT HAPPENED MOMENT" but it's not coming across at all. I'm just confused. Overall, I'm not entirely sure what this story is about.
Hey Lucas
ReplyDeleteFirst off i wanted to say that i think this is a good script it definitely kept me interested but i was confused on a lot of things. Not that the script is confusing, but the characters and locations need some clarification, also how the characters are related. The first part that i needed some help with was the opening scene. We find something that is really intriguing, which is the dead body but we never find out what happens with that, why it happens, and who did it? maybe you hinted at it, but i didnt catch it. Also, at first i thought bulletin kinson and parno were undercover cops until they started shooting all these people. but then later on in the story, when the two men are walking on the playground, you made me believe that bulletin was some kind of undercover fbi agent or something that does all the fbi's dirty, under-the-table work. If im waaaaay off, its because the story was clarified enough. I think you hint at a lot of things, but something we cant pick up those hints, especially just reading the script. i would have liked to have seen some link with the dead child that was found in the beginning. i cant remember if this is a pilot but there was no closure to the story, it just sort of the ends. There is a lot of questions unanswered. interesting script tho!
Hey Lucas,
ReplyDeleteI wasn’t able to check out your first deliverable a few weeks ago, so this whole project was brand new to me. I didn’t find your film journal on the Delivery Cycle website, but Ijust finished reading your 1st Draft for the film. My thoughts below:
Page 1 – You didn’t capitalize two land surveyors when you first introduced them in the script. Whenever a new character makes its appearance, their names (or in this case, titles) need to be in caps so the reader knows whom they are. Not a big deal, but one of my personal pet peeves.
Page 2 - You need to get rid of the parentheses, like "(With revulsion") or "(With Disgust)". It slows down the script, and since the lines that follow deal directly with these emotions ("What the fuck?"), they aren’t needed.
Page 3 - Typo on "...three men awake there intended...” it should be their*.
Page 3 – Same issue on Page 2… names aren’t in caps.
Page 5 – Typo with “…more run down then the exterior which suggest…” You mean then the exterior suggests*?
Page 6 – After the first line on the page, it cuts to Bulletin inside the house… but you forgot to include the scene heading. There is also a Typo here, when it says, “… Where Steve Bulletin, with his back…” as it is not in proper form (passed tense vs. present tense). You do this a lot through the script, so you just need to go through it again and change it to the proper form.
Page 6 – “…who has now flet..” should be fled*
Page 6 – You add too much detail to things that don’t need it (this goes back to the parenthesis’s I talked about earlier). ½ through this page, you say he pulls out a bullet proof vest with FBI written on it… and then say indicating that he works for the Federal Bureau blah blah blah… all you need to say is he pulls out a vest that says FBI. The audience will get the rest (sorry if the blah blah blah sounded rude… I was trying to make a point).
Page 7 – Typo on “…jumps on the hoos…, should be hood*, as is “… both men hot fence…”, should be hop*
Page 8 – Need to put INSERT SHOT – CLOSE UP OF BILLIARDS BREAKING, so we know it’s a shot (vs. close up of balls).
Page 9 - The line “They don’t have you” reads pretty cheesy and bad. Need something more powerful.
Page 9 – Also, when Bulletin walks out of the bar and you say Willie sinks lower and lower with every step… this reads very “cartoony” for me. I think he should just drop as soon as the shots go off, and as Bulletin walks out, he stops and tells Willie to stand up.
Page 10 – Typo on “would you car to see a menu”, should be care*. Also, you put “very, good”, when it should be one line (“very good”)
Page 10 – “we let a hel” should be “we left* a hell*”
PART II:
ReplyDeletePage 11 – The line “Bulletin leans back in his chair”, and then putting “(Interrupting). Jesus Christ!” reads badly. If you want him to interrupt McGrath, just put the “Jesus Christ” line right after McGrath’s line… then put the he leans back in his chair.
Page 13 – Your scene settings/ descriptions read too clunky and awkward. You could really cut down the descriptions with a simple rewrite and make the script flow smoother. It’s not good to have ¾ of a page with just descriptions as it throws of the reader (especially one as illiterate as me). So for example instead of:
“Steve Bulletin steps out of the restaurant at a moment when
the city seems to be experiencing a brief and unsettling
mid-afternoon lull with pedestrians and traffic for that
time of day. Standing still, he takes a deep breathe and
removes from his jacket pocket the envelope containing the
money he was just given and deposits it into his front pants pocket.”
You could say:
“Bulletin steps out of the restaurant and onto the city street. It is calm and quite, disturbed by a few cars and walking pedestrians. He takes a deep breath, pulls out the money envelope from his jacket pocket, and then places it into his pant’s pocket.
That isn’t a great example but it really “trims the fat”, getting to the point quicker.
For the rest of the pages, there were a number of typos, but I didn’t want to hammer the point in. Overall, I think you have a decent story here, although I don’t quite understand the ending (was that the ending, as there wasn’t a “The End.” Line).
Basically, in your next re-write you need to go through and do a pretty substantially check on your descriptions/ scene actions. Throughout the entire script, it goes back and forth between past and present tense, which makes the script an awkward read. As you are doing this though, you should really “trim the fat” like how I example above… I think you will find that it will be a much more tighter and interesting script to read... as well as correct all the typo’s/ grammatical errors (which we ALL make!!!).
Also, are you planning on actually shooting this script? It sounds like a pretty ambitious project… I like it!
You are on the right path Lucas, you just need to do a technical rewrite (meaning the structure, rather then the narrative), and I think this will be great!
I thought the first couple of pages were really good, actually the whole first third of the script was really interesting. However, as soon as it did the flash back is where I started to get lost. The ending definetley needs to be flushed out. Another observation; if parno and bulliten were having that discussion while boxing, wouldn't bulliten kind of know what happened to parno and who was shooting at him. My suggestion would to be to just keep the story in the present and avoid the flashbacks. Since this is an action film, the audience really doesn't need that much of a background story.
ReplyDeleteInteresting story. I was definitely hooked in on the first few pages. A lot of the typos and issues have been addressed by Chris and Ian so I won't repeat them.
ReplyDeletePage 4- Jim's line "David, David...come quick" sounds cheesy. But I'm picturing this whole scene to be similar to an opening for CSI:Miami.
Page 5- "...all anybody talks about is RBI's" I think should be "are RBI's"
Page 9- Did you want to say "Aw shit" or "Ah shit"?
Not too sure on the actual story you have here. You have a lot of great action scenes and I get a general sense of the characters. But the ending was a little confusing, maybe it was because I missed the fact that you jumped back and forth between present and past.
There are A LOT of props and equipment required for this film. Do you have access to these items? Like a Lexus and bullet proof vests?
Good work here overall. I didn't see your script during the last delivery cycle so I apologize for being behind on your story.
pg 1- good start it really grabbed my attention
ReplyDeletepg5- if they are well trained snipers i think they would go for the head, a chest shot just doesnt seem realistic...but thats minor..
and i agree with some of the "big chunks" of action, get strait to the point and cut the fat...
oh yea, and i think there is a spelling error on almost every page, so just proof read.
ReplyDeleteWait. Ok.
ReplyDeleteIs this the first act of a feature? I read this a second time and the story started to make sense to me.
I definitely read this as a short film and got super confused as to what was happening, in terms of it being a short. Harumph.
Pg 6 - "Nothing important" Is he saying this as in they think they're above the FBI or is he worried and trying to hide it?
ReplyDeletePg 7 - The mother's dialog is unnecessary and will slow down the scene.
Pg 8 - "the Baseline Billiards Academy. A place
frequented by some of the areas most prominent political
deal makers by night, and high school drop-outs and
underworld wannabes by day. " How do we know this?
Pg 9 - The guy he's chasing after just decides to hide? He doesn't have a gun? Even if he didn't, he doesn't even try to fight back or get away when he's in the closet? Just seems like a fight or flight situation would be the natural thing, like the guy, after pleading, would at least try to run past Bulletin.
Pg 10 - He's just had a hard few days - he's not going to order iced tea, he's going to order a real drink.
Pg 12- So McGrath is sort of like his boss, so why would McGrath be all worried and scared that Bulletin would be questioning if McGrath had anything to do with Parno disappearing? I think it would be the other way aound - McGrath would think maybe Bulletin had something to do with Parno just so stay with the chain of command thing.
Pg 13 - I'm excited to see where you go with this - what I'm getting right now is that whoever is shooting him plans on taking him as a hostage basically because if they wanted him dead and they're good enough to not be seen by anyone, they're probably also good enough to hit a target in the correct spot in order to kill him.
Pg 15 - Just for the script it would be helpful to indicate if the 18 months later is still a flashback and where the flashback actually ends (if it does). Also, the shots of welding play no part in the script right now, so just wondering if that's going to mean something later on?
I think this'll turn out really nicely, excited to read more.
This is compelling stuff. Pretty gruesome. But well written. Let's discuss more in class.
ReplyDelete