I really like the idea of you making this into a musical. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, but totally ambitious. It's kind of hard getting an idea of the feeling of the script without the songs actually in the script, so I'm looking forward to seeing how that changes the flow of the story as it is now.
You need more of a conflict. Her main priority seems to always be to get T.J. opposed to really wanting to star in a musical. In the beginning it reads as if she is only doing this in order to get close to the boy. There's never really any doubt. Getting T.J. seemed too easy. There needs to be more of an obstacle for it be interesting opposed to everything just working out. Liz never has that moment of darkness where everything has just gone to tell. She needs that in order for her moment in the sun at the end to be that much brighter.
I like how this script seems like it will be relatable to a lot of people, everyone has there high school stories going out of their element to try to impress someone. Putting it into a musical will be awesome but also very hard. I think the hardships will pay off in the end though. I would like to see T.J. be more stand offish at the beginning maybe. It might make it seem like more of a challenge for her. I also really liked the movie scene, it shows how first dates never really go as planned.
I'm curious to find out what songs you will be using for this film. It will make a very important statement about the plot and the characters. Music sequences tend to bring the story to a halt unless the song can convey something about the characters or advances the plot along. Be wary.
I like how it catches the spirit of other over-the-top high school musicals. I would be very interested to find out how you will catch this same spirit visually when you film this.
I am very interested/excited for you to do a musical. No one in the program really ever tries to attempt this so I am glad that you are taking that risk. As you know, musicals (obviously) are all about the music, so just make sure that you focus a lot on that. High School Musical was popular because of the songs, not so much of the story! Can't wait to hear all the songs, etc!
I felt that the date between T.J. and Liz was a little too easy for her. I feel that she needs to work for it a little more or have more conflict before he asks her out.
Also, watch out for copyright issues with the line "can I have yo numba". I love that bit, by the way.
I like where you are headed and think you have a very good start. I just think overall that Liz needs to have more problems to get to her goal so the reward is even greater!
I admire the ambition you have wanting to do a musical, so first of all props to that.
At it's core this is a simple high school romance/reach for your goals story and the character of Liz for sure embodies both of those themes well.
For the few quick lines he has, I enjoyed Mr. Fountain and with the right casting you could have an awesome side character that steals some moments for sure.
While Liz and TJ both fit this upbeat, musical, high school-themed and positive story well, I feel like they each could be more unique and fleshed out in their own ways; I clearly see the type of characters that they are, but I want to get to know the characters personally throughout the script. Of course this is the first draft, so I hope the characters will grow as you continue.
Good start, and I'm also looking forward to seeing/hearing anything related to what you have in minds for the musical numbers.
D1 - √ SCRIPT 1; good open; very quickly, i get a clear sense of who she is 2; obviously you need to write the songs 8; I'm not sure if I'm getting it, but it seems too easy for them to get together; i know it's supposed to be cheeky, kind of a send up of musicals and syrupy rom-coms, but there still needs to be a struggle for at least one of them. And if the conflict is about her trying out, that needs to be milked for more drama 14; good lyrics 14; i like how to transforms from audition to performance overall, i like to tone/style of this; it has heart and whimsy and mirth and playfulness; but i think you have to inject more narrative in this; a greater struggle that she has to go through; one that we are invested in because you've made us fall in love with her at the start of the film this has a lot of potential; see if you can find Robert Luketic's (dir. Legally Blonde) short film that launched his career
FJ "I would like to communicate the idea that dreams and reality are only separated by a thin line and with confidence and discipline it is possible to transform your dreams into your reality. I would also like to communicate that the awkwardness, that is ever present in our teenage years, can be" -i love this; but in order to do this you have to see her struggle more; it may be too easy to give her the boyfriend at the head of the film As a side exercise I want you to tell me (in an email) exactly how you intend to express your idea that: "Expressing your true self is the key to bringing dreams to reality." i love that idea but I don't see how it is being conveyed. your close but it's not there yet. I have a perfect Mr. Fountain, but he's in LA Phil Abrams; look him up on IMDb and I think he has a website too. excellent journal; great start, Chelsea!
D2 DUE next draft with conflict or struggle please tell us exactly how you intend to express your idea that: "Expressing your true self is the key to bringing dreams to reality." where does this happen in the story and how does this story turn express the idea
- Love the opening. I think its perfect to start out with a close up of her mouth singing gets you into the musical feel. When Liz takes the orders from the boys and then cuts one of them off without getting his order how is she able to ring in the table’s orders? Maybe if she walked away and realized what she did and went back to the table because most likely in reality she would get in trouble for ignoring a customer. I’m confused about he MAD TV reference when T.J. asks for her number. When T.J. speaks in a British accent in line at the theater concession stand it seems a bit strange that the clerk would laugh too. Unless it’s a girl who maybe does a flirty laugh then as they walk away Liz could glare at her. After the song where T.J. is teaching Liz to dance are they slowly falling for each other as well? Are they dating? Does she get the guy? Can’t wait for the rest of the songs to be done. Lyrics were good and the dialogue fits the age group.
I really like the idea of you making this into a musical. It seems like it could be a lot of fun, but totally ambitious. It's kind of hard getting an idea of the feeling of the script without the songs actually in the script, so I'm looking forward to seeing how that changes the flow of the story as it is now.
ReplyDeleteYou need more of a conflict. Her main priority seems to always be to get T.J. opposed to really wanting to star in a musical. In the beginning it reads as if she is only doing this in order to get close to the boy. There's never really any doubt. Getting T.J. seemed too easy. There needs to be more of an obstacle for it be interesting opposed to everything just working out. Liz never has that moment of darkness where everything has just gone to tell. She needs that in order for her moment in the sun at the end to be that much brighter.
I like how this script seems like it will be relatable to a lot of people, everyone has there high school stories going out of their element to try to impress someone. Putting it into a musical will be awesome but also very hard. I think the hardships will pay off in the end though. I would like to see T.J. be more stand offish at the beginning maybe. It might make it seem like more of a challenge for her. I also really liked the movie scene, it shows how first dates never really go as planned.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to find out what songs you will be using for this film. It will make a very important statement about the plot and the characters. Music sequences tend to bring the story to a halt unless the song can convey something about the characters or advances the plot along. Be wary.
ReplyDeleteI like how it catches the spirit of other over-the-top high school musicals. I would be very interested to find out how you will catch this same spirit visually when you film this.
I am very interested/excited for you to do a musical. No one in the program really ever tries to attempt this so I am glad that you are taking that risk. As you know, musicals (obviously) are all about the music, so just make sure that you focus a lot on that. High School Musical was popular because of the songs, not so much of the story! Can't wait to hear all the songs, etc!
ReplyDeleteI felt that the date between T.J. and Liz was a little too easy for her. I feel that she needs to work for it a little more or have more conflict before he asks her out.
Also, watch out for copyright issues with the line "can I have yo numba". I love that bit, by the way.
I like where you are headed and think you have a very good start. I just think overall that Liz needs to have more problems to get to her goal so the reward is even greater!
I admire the ambition you have wanting to do a musical, so first of all props to that.
ReplyDeleteAt it's core this is a simple high school romance/reach for your goals story and the character of Liz for sure embodies both of those themes well.
For the few quick lines he has, I enjoyed Mr. Fountain and with the right casting you could have an awesome side character that steals some moments for sure.
While Liz and TJ both fit this upbeat, musical, high school-themed and positive story well, I feel like they each could be more unique and fleshed out in their own ways; I clearly see the type of characters that they are, but I want to get to know the characters personally throughout the script. Of course this is the first draft, so I hope the characters will grow as you continue.
Good start, and I'm also looking forward to seeing/hearing anything related to what you have in minds for the musical numbers.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
1; good open; very quickly, i get a clear sense of who she is
2; obviously you need to write the songs
8; I'm not sure if I'm getting it, but it seems too easy for them to get together; i know it's supposed to be cheeky, kind of a send up of musicals and syrupy rom-coms, but there still needs to be a struggle for at least one of them.
And if the conflict is about her trying out, that needs to be milked for more drama
14; good lyrics
14; i like how to transforms from audition to performance
overall, i like to tone/style of this; it has heart and whimsy and mirth and playfulness; but i think you have to inject more narrative in this; a greater struggle that she has to go through; one that we are invested in because you've made us fall in love with her at the start of the film
this has a lot of potential; see if you can find Robert Luketic's (dir. Legally Blonde) short film that launched his career
FJ
"I would like to communicate the idea that dreams and reality are only separated by a thin line and with confidence and discipline it is possible to transform your dreams into your reality. I would also like to communicate that the awkwardness, that is ever present in our teenage years, can be"
-i love this; but in order to do this you have to see her struggle more; it may be too easy to give her the boyfriend at the head of the film
As a side exercise I want you to tell me (in an email) exactly how you intend to express your idea that: "Expressing your true self is the key to bringing dreams to reality." i love that idea but I don't see how it is being conveyed. your close but it's not there yet.
I have a perfect Mr. Fountain, but he's in LA Phil Abrams; look him up on IMDb and I think he has a website too.
excellent journal; great start, Chelsea!
D2
DUE
next draft with conflict or struggle please
tell us exactly how you intend to express your idea that: "Expressing your true self is the key to bringing dreams to reality." where does this happen in the story and how does this story turn express the idea
- Love the opening. I think its perfect to start out with a close up of her mouth singing gets you into the musical feel. When Liz takes the orders from the boys and then cuts one of them off without getting his order how is she able to ring in the table’s orders? Maybe if she walked away and realized what she did and went back to the table because most likely in reality she would get in trouble for ignoring a customer. I’m confused about he MAD TV reference when T.J. asks for her number. When T.J. speaks in a British accent in line at the theater concession stand it seems a bit strange that the clerk would laugh too. Unless it’s a girl who maybe does a flirty laugh then as they walk away Liz could glare at her. After the song where T.J. is teaching Liz to dance are they slowly falling for each other as well? Are they dating? Does she get the guy? Can’t wait for the rest of the songs to be done. Lyrics were good and the dialogue fits the age group.
ReplyDelete