Jarrod you got something good flowing here. I can see the spinal tap element and the vision you want being a mockumentary. I do feel however the ending is too rushed. I read in your journal that you are trying to bring out the feeling of sympathy and I really didn't feel that way towards Denny's character.
What I saw with the ending when you bring in the child is that Denny realizes that he was so over the hill and ignorant that when the child makes him see his life and it rekindles his love for comedy and why he wanted to be a comedian. Perhaps you don't have to go for that happy ending.
I enjoyed when you dived back into their childhood and the laughter they shared. Is that why you brought back the child in the end? Perhaps you could dive more into his childhood. What were his parents like? Were they around?
You have a solid foundation and I look forward in hearing what you say in class this week.
I liked what you were going for in this piece! I think once you have done your research into a comedian's life you will get a lot of inspiration for this.
With that said I liked the classroom scene with the sandwich joke - that worked, but I think some of the one liners could be stronger. Also, I had trouble feeling sympathy towards Denny, maybe you could delve more into his past?
Overall, I enjoyed reading the script and can see the potential for this. If it helps try looking at Ricky Gervais 'Extras' Season 2, it's British comedy, so of course I'm biased, but it's worth a look, especially when you get to see his character (a funny man) observing himself on t.v.
Hey Jarrod, Just took a look at your journal/ script. I like where this all going... could be something really interesting here.
Being a huge fan of mockumentaries (I know that isn’t what this is exactly, but its got that vibe), I can defiantly see what kind of humor and emotional connection you are trying to achieve here… its just not there yet (for me anyways!). You really need to get back to the core of Denny… which is something I know you made note of at the beginning of the script (the ending feeling a bit “rushed”).
I fully support Dominic on his recommendation of watching EXTRAS: Series 2 (although, as a huge Gervais fan… I say watch both series!). Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais have created a situation very similar to yours (a man gets to the height of fame and then realizes how much more happy he was at the bottom), but executed to perfection (Gervais is brilliant as Andy Millman… who you as the audience have nothing but heartache for).
This is an interesting project… and it is on its way man. I just feel you need a little extra something (heart I guess is the word I am looking for here), and then you will be on your way.
For sure a good start. I enjoyed it, and I'm only so much of a mockumentary film fan, if that is in fact the way you're presenting this. Yes, the ending is rushed, but you mentioned that already. As much as Denny is the star of the show, with Matt pushing most of the film I feel like I want/should know more about him other than that he is just Denny's best friend. This sort of goes without saying, but you'll definitely need some solid actors with read comedic timing to make this as funny/funnier than it is on paper. Possibly look into using actual young stand up comedians?
I really liked the script, I think this project is going to be really funny. I'm a big fan of mockumentaries and I think that one has a lot of potential. I think the character of Denny and Matt really have good chemistry on the page and it should work out well when you go to film it. As some people said earlier, this project is definitely going to need excellent comedic timing and casting will definitely be key for this.
In terms of the script, I found myself laughing out loud during the scene when Matt's kid tells the joke to Denny, it really works. One thing I was confused about is whether you are trying to make Denny look like a complete hack or a good comedian. Either way, it has a lot of potential. Good job.
The idea of this piece is definitely original and something that would be interesting to see when it is finished. I know some of the other posts have mentioned not feeling sympathetic towards Denny and I would have to agree. He just kind of seems like a jerk. I find myself caring more about how his failing career impacts Matt. Maybe giving him some kind of redeeming quality or making his character just kind of ignorant of the fact that he is a jerk and has some kind of realization at the end. I do really like Denny's ending lines. It ties the story together really nicely. Overall, it seems like a tough project but it could definitely be funny!
Jarrod you got something good flowing here. I can see the spinal tap element and the vision you want being a mockumentary. I do feel however the ending is too rushed. I read in your journal that you are trying to bring out the feeling of sympathy and I really didn't feel that way towards Denny's character.
ReplyDeleteWhat I saw with the ending when you bring in the child is that Denny realizes that he was so over the hill and ignorant that when the child makes him see his life and it rekindles his love for comedy and why he wanted to be a comedian. Perhaps you don't have to go for that happy ending.
I enjoyed when you dived back into their childhood and the laughter they shared. Is that why you brought back the child in the end? Perhaps you could dive more into his childhood. What were his parents like? Were they around?
You have a solid foundation and I look forward in hearing what you say in class this week.
Hey Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteI liked what you were going for in this piece! I think once you have done your research into a comedian's life you will get a lot of inspiration for this.
With that said I liked the classroom scene with the sandwich joke - that worked, but I think some of the one liners could be stronger. Also, I had trouble feeling sympathy towards Denny, maybe you could delve more into his past?
Overall, I enjoyed reading the script and can see the potential for this. If it helps try looking at Ricky Gervais 'Extras' Season 2, it's British comedy, so of course I'm biased, but it's worth a look, especially when you get to see his character (a funny man) observing himself on t.v.
I'll talk to you more in class about this.
Good job, bud!
Hey Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteJust took a look at your journal/ script. I like where this all going... could be something really interesting here.
Being a huge fan of mockumentaries (I know that isn’t what this is exactly, but its got that vibe), I can defiantly see what kind of humor and emotional connection you are trying to achieve here… its just not there yet (for me anyways!). You really need to get back to the core of Denny… which is something I know you made note of at the beginning of the script (the ending feeling a bit “rushed”).
I fully support Dominic on his recommendation of watching EXTRAS: Series 2 (although, as a huge Gervais fan… I say watch both series!). Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais have created a situation very similar to yours (a man gets to the height of fame and then realizes how much more happy he was at the bottom), but executed to perfection (Gervais is brilliant as Andy Millman… who you as the audience have nothing but heartache for).
This is an interesting project… and it is on its way man. I just feel you need a little extra something (heart I guess is the word I am looking for here), and then you will be on your way.
For sure a good start. I enjoyed it, and I'm only so much of a mockumentary film fan, if that is in fact the way you're presenting this. Yes, the ending is rushed, but you mentioned that already. As much as Denny is the star of the show, with Matt pushing most of the film I feel like I want/should know more about him other than that he is just Denny's best friend. This sort of goes without saying, but you'll definitely need some solid actors with read comedic timing to make this as funny/funnier than it is on paper. Possibly look into using actual young stand up comedians?
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the next deliverable.
*real comedic timing, i meant.
ReplyDeleteJarrod-
ReplyDeleteI really liked the script, I think this project is going to be really funny. I'm a big fan of mockumentaries and I think that one has a lot of potential. I think the character of Denny and Matt really have good chemistry on the page and it should work out well when you go to film it. As some people said earlier, this project is definitely going to need excellent comedic timing and casting will definitely be key for this.
In terms of the script, I found myself laughing out loud during the scene when Matt's kid tells the joke to Denny, it really works. One thing I was confused about is whether you are trying to make Denny look like a complete hack or a good comedian. Either way, it has a lot of potential. Good job.
The idea of this piece is definitely original and something that would be interesting to see when it is finished. I know some of the other posts have mentioned not feeling sympathetic towards Denny and I would have to agree. He just kind of seems like a jerk. I find myself caring more about how his failing career impacts Matt. Maybe giving him some kind of redeeming quality or making his character just kind of ignorant of the fact that he is a jerk and has some kind of realization at the end. I do really like Denny's ending lines. It ties the story together really nicely. Overall, it seems like a tough project but it could definitely be funny!
ReplyDelete