hey chris i know in your film journal you said that the script you submitted was only small parts of what you want to submit, i would really like to read the whole thing. The characters seem very distinguished, I thought it started off a little slow; but maybe you chose to do that because you wanted the audience to get to know the characters a little bit. What is your main conflict of the story?
Page 1: Title is very catchy. Jackie's second line: why do think.... There should a be you there? Love the vampire line. page 2: nice "made up proverb"; I like the George Foreman, grilling line. Page 4: after the movie convo is a lil slow. Maybe just one or two lines about the film, then jump into talking about Adrian. Page 6: good dialogue. Page 13: I like Herman's last line. It really picks up in the last few scenes. This is a really good start. Where abouts in the script are these scenes? Just to clarify, they don't follow right after each other? Like the roof top doesn't follow the movie set? This seems like a very interesting TV series. But I couldn't open your film journal because it's not in a pdf.
I think you've got a good idea going here. I have to disagree a little with Niki though, sorry! ;) I thought some of the lines like "You're grilling me like George Foreman" were a little too goofy. It just feels out of place. But that's totally just my opinion. I also think some of the dialogue is a little slow. It's kind of interesting to read it but when I picture watching it, it just seems like too much. Like in the movie theatre when they talk about vampires, then the expensive concessions and stuff. I think you've got good stuff there, just needs to be cut down a tad. I must say I thought the "Ya two for the Jew movie" line to be very funny, and fitting for those characters.
Other than some of those pacing and dialogue issues I really like what you have going so far.
On page 7 I think you left out Marco saying yes….? It doesn’t seem like an action yet I think you put it as an action? Just a bit confused. Maybe say yes Marco is crying. Also what’s a stunod? I feel that there should be a scene about Jackie’s kid. It’s kind of odd to leave a kid in the car for an entire movie. So I feel something needs to be done about that. Either the girls gone or there’s a policeman waiting there for them with a ticket. On page 8 we’re introduced to Kevin but not really. Is he a mobster like the rest of them? Also are they talking about a movie plot? I think I get that from the next scen when they’re on set. Maybe make this more clear in the beginning with Jackie saying “I got ideas for movies comin’ out…” On page 9 when Kevin blushes does he say “no big deal” or is that what the smile is suppose to imply? So who is Herman? As a reader I’m seeing a lot of characters popping up so this is kind of confusing.
So I like the dialogue its really funny and believable however I think a lot of things are just thrown in there and don’t make complete sense. It seems unfinished to me. But an awesome start. ☺
I really like it! Can't wait to see the final story and how it all comes together.
On page 8, I really like the way the joke is being told with Marco trying to chyme in. I can totally see this, fast paced and quite funny. I think there needs to be more here, more development of the situation.
On page 9, the line "he has a crush on this girl" does not really work. Maybe just say imply it with the actions he portrays - just my opinion though!
On page 12, just a lil typo. Fedor says "you mother she lives in asshole" I duno if thats how you meant it "you" instead of your or if that is how it is suppose to be.
Overall I like the story and the characters. I think the dialogue between the mobsters could be a little more updating to today. I have a contact who is an Italian from Chicago who can help revise their lines if you'd like. This story is like a mix of Get Shorty and Road Trip. I am assuming that all of the lawsuits from the BAD DAY film were sorted out. The story takes a little while to get going, maybe you could have something happen right away, like running over the fat guy. Then cut or flashback to the rest of the script. I am a little confused on the role of Sean's girlfriend. Does she ever come back into play in story? I read the 39 pages, but I am thinking you will be writing more, no? For the line we Jackie says "Jesus Christ on a cross" you could use "Madonna" instead. I have heard my Italian relatives use it so many times, not to mention the Italians in Italy use it too.
Chris I'm diggin this man! I was reading through it with Dom and I love your dialogue. You really get a sense of character from the different dialogue from the characters and I found myself laughing out loud quite a bit. I don't know if its because I'm from New York but I really got into the mob dialogue. There is a nice separation between the mob guys and the three film fellas. I can see this show going places. My question to you is where do you want advice or where are you stuck if you are?? I look forward to hearing your thoughts in class.
I'm a little hazy on some of the details of the character's relationships after the first read, but I'm eager to find out where this is all going.
I am also confused as to what a stunod (pp. 17) is, like Lauren said, as well as a madon (pp. 1), and a gumar (pp. 1). I looked both up, and assumed that gumar was a reference to The Sopranos? (I haven't seen it.) But I couldn't find anything on stunod or madon.
Anyways, I'm very interested to see what the relationship between the mob and the filmmakers ends up developing into. By the end of the script I felt a little less informed than I would like to be as to what's about to happen, but it's the first draft and I'm usually a good test audience for the people who don't catch everything the first time around.
I look forward to future incarnations of this one! Good work so far man! It should be really fun!
hey chris
ReplyDeletei know in your film journal you said that the script you submitted was only small parts of what you want to submit, i would really like to read the whole thing. The characters seem very distinguished, I thought it started off a little slow; but maybe you chose to do that because you wanted the audience to get to know the characters a little bit. What is your main conflict of the story?
Hey Chris,
ReplyDeletePage 1: Title is very catchy. Jackie's second line: why do think.... There should a be you there? Love the vampire line.
page 2: nice "made up proverb"; I like the George Foreman, grilling line.
Page 4: after the movie convo is a lil slow. Maybe just one or two lines about the film, then jump into talking about Adrian.
Page 6: good dialogue.
Page 13: I like Herman's last line.
It really picks up in the last few scenes. This is a really good start. Where abouts in the script are these scenes? Just to clarify, they don't follow right after each other? Like the roof top doesn't follow the movie set? This seems like a very interesting TV series. But I couldn't open your film journal because it's not in a pdf.
I think you've got a good idea going here. I have to disagree a little with Niki though, sorry! ;) I thought some of the lines like "You're grilling me like George Foreman" were a little too goofy. It just feels out of place. But that's totally just my opinion. I also think some of the dialogue is a little slow. It's kind of interesting to read it but when I picture watching it, it just seems like too much. Like in the movie theatre when they talk about vampires, then the expensive concessions and stuff. I think you've got good stuff there, just needs to be cut down a tad. I must say I thought the "Ya two for the Jew movie" line to be very funny, and fitting for those characters.
ReplyDeleteOther than some of those pacing and dialogue issues I really like what you have going so far.
On page 7 I think you left out Marco saying yes….? It doesn’t seem like an action yet I think you put it as an action? Just a bit confused. Maybe say yes Marco is crying. Also what’s a stunod? I feel that there should be a scene about Jackie’s kid. It’s kind of odd to leave a kid in the car for an entire movie. So I feel something needs to be done about that. Either the girls gone or there’s a policeman waiting there for them with a ticket. On page 8 we’re introduced to Kevin but not really. Is he a mobster like the rest of them? Also are they talking about a movie plot? I think I get that from the next scen when they’re on set. Maybe make this more clear in the beginning with Jackie saying “I got ideas for movies comin’ out…” On page 9 when Kevin blushes does he say “no big deal” or is that what the smile is suppose to imply? So who is Herman? As a reader I’m seeing a lot of characters popping up so this is kind of confusing.
ReplyDeleteSo I like the dialogue its really funny and believable however I think a lot of things are just thrown in there and don’t make complete sense. It seems unfinished to me. But an awesome start. ☺
I really like it! Can't wait to see the final story and how it all comes together.
ReplyDeleteOn page 8, I really like the way the joke is being told with Marco trying to chyme in. I can totally see this, fast paced and quite funny. I think there needs to be more here, more development of the situation.
On page 9, the line "he has a crush on this girl" does not really work. Maybe just say imply it with the actions he portrays - just my opinion though!
On page 12, just a lil typo. Fedor says "you mother she lives in asshole" I duno if thats how you meant it "you" instead of your or if that is how it is suppose to be.
Good job so far- excited to see the rest!!!!
Overall I like the story and the characters. I think the dialogue between the mobsters could be a little more updating to today. I have a contact who is an Italian from Chicago who can help revise their lines if you'd like.
ReplyDeleteThis story is like a mix of Get Shorty and Road Trip. I am assuming that all of the lawsuits from the BAD DAY film were sorted out. The story takes a little while to get going, maybe you could have something happen right away, like running over the fat guy. Then cut or flashback to the rest of the script.
I am a little confused on the role of Sean's girlfriend. Does she ever come back into play in story? I read the 39 pages, but I am thinking you will be writing more, no?
For the line we Jackie says "Jesus Christ on a cross" you could use "Madonna" instead. I have heard my Italian relatives use it so many times, not to mention the Italians in Italy use it too.
Chris I'm diggin this man! I was reading through it with Dom and I love your dialogue. You really get a sense of character from the different dialogue from the characters and I found myself laughing out loud quite a bit. I don't know if its because I'm from New York but I really got into the mob dialogue. There is a nice separation between the mob guys and the three film fellas. I can see this show going places. My question to you is where do you want advice or where are you stuck if you are?? I look forward to hearing your thoughts in class.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff Chris.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little hazy on some of the details of the character's relationships after the first read, but I'm eager to find out where this is all going.
I am also confused as to what a stunod (pp. 17) is, like Lauren said, as well as a madon (pp. 1), and a gumar (pp. 1). I looked both up, and assumed that gumar was a reference to The Sopranos? (I haven't seen it.) But I couldn't find anything on stunod or madon.
Anyways, I'm very interested to see what the relationship between the mob and the filmmakers ends up developing into. By the end of the script I felt a little less informed than I would like to be as to what's about to happen, but it's the first draft and I'm usually a good test audience for the people who don't catch everything the first time around.
I look forward to future incarnations of this one! Good work so far man! It should be really fun!