The problem that keeps coming back to me is the fact that you have a feature length script, but want to turn it into a short film. I like the idea and it's definitely doable, but as it is now, I just don't know what to make of it, as I imagine it is going to drastically change from what it is now to what it will be. I guess what I'm trying to say is I really want to read this thing once the script is down to the length of the film you are planning to shoot. You have a really packed story and it's got a lot of great story devices. What needs to be done is you need to eliminate a lot of these and figure out what story within this feature length story is the one you want to tell.
I think your strongest part of the story is the conflict between brothers. It'll be interesting to see how you build their relationship around the zombie sub-plot in a shorter script.
I strongly agree with Chris, It is a very good script, condensing it might be hard though. You will have to get rid of a lot of the dialogue and a lot of the exposition at the beginning. I think all together it has good character development and a strong plot It will be really cool to see this as a short film if you can capture the same essence as the full length script.
Perhaps you could just develop this feature length script and use it as your capstone instead of shooting a short film. OR better yet, make the trailer for this film because that is like making a short except you get to shoot all the best shots and then you can use that trailer as a marketing piece for your feature script.
Otherwise, I think you will be loosing a lot if you try and condense the script into a short film script.
Sorry for any repetitiveness, but I don't feel like I can give very specific feedback until I can read your script and see your story in short form.
I like it being set around two brothers that can be put in positions where their differences are highlighted, it allows for some good character-driven moments/scenes throughout the film. And with them being put into such an intense situation will make their relationship that much more engaging.
While I'm always behind anyone who's out to make a film, Chelsea suggestion is pretty cool I think. It'd give you a chance to make the script the best it can be starting from where already are but at the same time you could have a blast shooting some of the coolest parts of your film just to make the trailer, which in a way will be like doing a short as well.
I agree with everyone else about this. It may be hard to condense all the emotion and events into a short script. I think if we saw a script we could get a better idea of what you mean.
I like the story between the two brothers, just be careful not to lose that in the short. The conflict makes the story strong and it may be hard to show that in a short amount of time. I am not saying don't do it, but I think we are all curious as to see what you are visualizing more.
D1 - √ SCRIPT I thought this was a short?? 72 pages???!! ask me about the survivalist article in the SW magazine 12; at this point, i get the characters, but you need some hint at the intriguing story that is about to come; i'm not pulled into your story; i'm rolling with it, but that's not enough. 12; the dead animal helps with the above, but a good visceral description of the dead animal and why it looks and smells out of the ordinary will help intrigue and pull in the audience 13; WHOOPS - you do the above not here. good stuff 14; I'm not sure about the blocking of Sam turning over the body and getting sprayed; why/how does the spray come out (and not feel like a Monty Python/Kill Bill 1) moment? 17; intriguing when Sam loses it I'm not sure but I think you wanted us to stop at page 17 since there is the note from the writer and since there is a new character who comes out of nowhere 20; "Sam suddenly VOMITS dark blood all over Brian’s face, and into his open mouth." -WHOA!! nice! 21; DAVID What the hell is wrong with him? PETER Dehydration, maybe? -supposed to be funny? 23; interesting twist that Peter thinks Brian is testing them 27; I like the idea that they now have to worry if Brian is now like Sam; adds tension 33; this is a bit of a stretch, but given the brothers in the desert/one is a writer the the other has a complex/is a crook themes, you might want to look at Sam Shepard's True West 41; great scene having Sam and Brian attack like animals 44; being suspicious of Peter is a good tension device 48/49; blocking and who is doing what is unclear here 57/58; hard to imagine the brothers sharing fond stories under the circumstances 65; powerful with David shoot his brother 69; "Dark liquids pool out from under all of the vehicles." -can you explain? 71; nice ending with David's trickle; a bit predictable, but fun
FJ no brief synopsis Not a great answer on what they learn, but it may not be the sort of piece where they learn something; it may be all plot and action on not have much character growth Where are your "Character and Casting Notes by Character"? this journal could use some pics!
- I’m confused on page 19 where Joe comes from? He’s not in any of the previous parts of the script so not sure who he is or what he is doing there in the middle of the story. When the guys find the bloody thing on the ground and think it’s a body why wouldn’t they go back to tell someone? Or do they not think it’s a body? Slightly confused here and not sure I understand their decision completely. On page 24 and 25 you have a line where I think your trying to say probably but it says pPeterably. Just a typo. Also on page 27 you say, “Joe and Brian come to the end of the wash. Peter and Peter catch up with them.” Unless Peter cloned himself I think you mean someone else there. Then on page 31 you have Peter talking to Peter…kind of confused here if its suppose to be Joe? On page 40 you have two Peters again… I’m guessing now that there are two peters maybe give one of them a last name so we don’t get confused on whose who. Overall very good script good adventure but there are a lot of confusing parts with the characters I would go back over it and figure out the characters and the dialogue and whose who.
The problem that keeps coming back to me is the fact that you have a feature length script, but want to turn it into a short film. I like the idea and it's definitely doable, but as it is now, I just don't know what to make of it, as I imagine it is going to drastically change from what it is now to what it will be. I guess what I'm trying to say is I really want to read this thing once the script is down to the length of the film you are planning to shoot. You have a really packed story and it's got a lot of great story devices. What needs to be done is you need to eliminate a lot of these and figure out what story within this feature length story is the one you want to tell.
ReplyDeleteI think your strongest part of the story is the conflict between brothers. It'll be interesting to see how you build their relationship around the zombie sub-plot in a shorter script.
I strongly agree with Chris, It is a very good script, condensing it might be hard though. You will have to get rid of a lot of the dialogue and a lot of the exposition at the beginning. I think all together it has good character development and a strong plot It will be really cool to see this as a short film if you can capture the same essence as the full length script.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could just develop this feature length script and use it as your capstone instead of shooting a short film. OR better yet, make the trailer for this film because that is like making a short except you get to shoot all the best shots and then you can use that trailer as a marketing piece for your feature script.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I think you will be loosing a lot if you try and condense the script into a short film script.
Sorry for any repetitiveness, but I don't feel like I can give very specific feedback until I can read your script and see your story in short form.
ReplyDeleteI like it being set around two brothers that can be put in positions where their differences are highlighted, it allows for some good character-driven moments/scenes throughout the film. And with them being put into such an intense situation will make their relationship that much more engaging.
While I'm always behind anyone who's out to make a film, Chelsea suggestion is pretty cool I think. It'd give you a chance to make the script the best it can be starting from where already are but at the same time you could have a blast shooting some of the coolest parts of your film just to make the trailer, which in a way will be like doing a short as well.
I agree with everyone else about this. It may be hard to condense all the emotion and events into a short script. I think if we saw a script we could get a better idea of what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI like the story between the two brothers, just be careful not to lose that in the short. The conflict makes the story strong and it may be hard to show that in a short amount of time. I am not saying don't do it, but I think we are all curious as to see what you are visualizing more.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
I thought this was a short?? 72 pages???!!
ask me about the survivalist article in the SW magazine
12; at this point, i get the characters, but you need some hint at the intriguing story that is about to come; i'm not pulled into your story; i'm rolling with it, but that's not enough.
12; the dead animal helps with the above, but a good visceral description of the dead animal and why it looks and smells out of the ordinary will help intrigue and pull in the audience
13; WHOOPS - you do the above not here. good stuff
14; I'm not sure about the blocking of Sam turning over the body and getting sprayed; why/how does the spray come out (and not feel like a Monty Python/Kill Bill 1) moment?
17; intriguing when Sam loses it
I'm not sure but I think you wanted us to stop at page 17 since there is the note from the writer and since there is a new character who comes out of nowhere
20; "Sam suddenly VOMITS dark blood all over Brian’s face, and into his open mouth."
-WHOA!! nice!
21; DAVID What the hell is wrong with him?
PETER Dehydration, maybe?
-supposed to be funny?
23; interesting twist that Peter thinks Brian is testing them
27; I like the idea that they now have to worry if Brian is now like Sam; adds tension
33; this is a bit of a stretch, but given the brothers in the desert/one is a writer the the other has a complex/is a crook themes, you might want to look at Sam Shepard's True West
41; great scene having Sam and Brian attack like animals
44; being suspicious of Peter is a good tension device
48/49; blocking and who is doing what is unclear here
57/58; hard to imagine the brothers sharing fond stories under the circumstances
65; powerful with David shoot his brother
69; "Dark liquids pool out from under all of the vehicles."
-can you explain?
71; nice ending with David's trickle; a bit predictable, but fun
FJ
no brief synopsis
Not a great answer on what they learn, but it may not be the sort of piece where they learn something; it may be all plot and action on not have much character growth
Where are your "Character and Casting Notes by Character"?
this journal could use some pics!
D2
DUE
short version
- I’m confused on page 19 where Joe comes from? He’s not in any of the previous parts of the script so not sure who he is or what he is doing there in the middle of the story. When the guys find the bloody thing on the ground and think it’s a body why wouldn’t they go back to tell someone? Or do they not think it’s a body? Slightly confused here and not sure I understand their decision completely. On page 24 and 25 you have a line where I think your trying to say probably but it says pPeterably. Just a typo. Also on page 27 you say, “Joe and Brian come to the end of the wash. Peter and Peter catch up with them.” Unless Peter cloned himself I think you mean someone else there. Then on page 31 you have Peter talking to Peter…kind of confused here if its suppose to be Joe? On page 40 you have two Peters again… I’m guessing now that there are two peters maybe give one of them a last name so we don’t get confused on whose who. Overall very good script good adventure but there are a lot of confusing parts with the characters I would go back over it and figure out the characters and the dialogue and whose who.
ReplyDelete