Hey Matt, This version of the script is much clearer than the last. I could clearly tell the difference between the characters in the past and in the future.
I noticed how you mentioned in the beginning of the script that you want suggestions on how to tell the story. After reading though it I think that the best way to link the past/present stories would be to write situations that can be linked together. Like in "When Harry met Sally", the story bounces between past and present so well because their stories have parallels that link the two. It can be links in locations, in circumstances, in dialogue, or whatever. We just need an easy jumping point between the stories.
Hey matt! I agree with brady in saying that the story is much more clear now; it really helped writing out the two stories. Im not sure if ive said this before but it is very well written and i love the dialogue so great job.
I also read that you want suggestions on how to tell your story. Do you plan on the main story being told in the present? If this is the case I like the idea of jumping around forward and backward in time (in the past). If it wont get entirely too confusing, I like this idea because it reminds me more of the way humans are. We remember things randomly; not in order; we have our memories and they can be triggered by any number of things. just something to dwell on :)
Before I read anything. Write anything. I will say this.
GRAGH 34 PAGES!!!! AGHHH. Okay. I'm gonna read it now.
lolololol.
I'm going to say right now, from your opening statement to your previous script. I felt, for the most part you did a good job mixing and matching the story with that nonlinear style. It's not so much a matter of mixing past and present as it is mixing moments. Mixing ups with downs. You just need to make sure you're showing a good and steady contrast without getting repetitive and boring.
Pg 1 - As this is the opening to their relationship. I don't buy it. I bought it the first time around with the photography studio but this seems, almost, forced. The characters are far too willing to just, accept neither of them is a psychopath or a rapist. They just fall into it. There's needs to be some sort of reluctance or nervousness on at least one of the character's parts. From the nature of this script, it's probably gotta be Adam.
Scene1 - maybe you need a mixture of the two, but I thought your opening scene for the original was better, that said, I think they're the same because in the first draft that scene was their first meeting, yes?
After reading that this is right before the scene in the last script, I really don't think you need that first scene. Maybe play with the structure of the headshot scene to make them seem a little more alien to one another, but it certainly works and plays better to your film. I think that first scene just doesn't add much to what we already know or have seen about their relationship.
Oh. Quick after thought. Next time make sure you get this thing to have the stuff you've added in red or bold it, sometimes I can't figure out what was there before or if you added or changed something.
Scene 3 - I don't think it's needed. Nothing particularly interesting happens. It's neither a high nor a low in this couples life. Pick the most intersting points. I say you axe this one.
Scene 4 - Keep it. This is a good high in their story. I think you should consolidate the scene though. It's a bit lengthy at times.
Scene 5 - Good low.
Scene 6- Another good high. In fact. It's a really good middleground. A really good moment of darkness for the both opposed to a perfectly awful moment for just one of them. This would be a good turning point or darkest night kind of point in your script.
I lost track of the scene numbers, but your Annie Hall scene, you know the one, where they run into each other. I don't think you need it. For one, it's really cliche. Wraps everything up in a nice neat bow. You want your audience to really be unsure of the nature of what is or what might happen to the couple.
Pg24 The scene after that works, but again, it's too long. Pick the best parts and stick with those. Get the point a lot quicker. You just need to get to those last two exchanges with the realization that they needed each other. Do what you need to, but get to that point as quickly as you can without making it seem forced.
Every scene after that seems too happy or too great for me. Maybe it's cause I don't like happy endings, but it's all so expected. They had a rough time, but they finally found each other. I don't think you ever need to answer that question. You don't need to be the show Friends and finally get Ross and Rachel together. Leave little clues, but never really answer the question. Leave you audience wanting more.
I had a much easier time reading this draft. I actually liked this ending a lot. Some potential problems I could see with this though, is that it might turn out a little too mellow dramatic, which might be what you are going for but sometimes it can be hard to pull off. I would try and condense this script it seems a little long and drawn out. Im sure once you start; if you do, make the story non linear you could clear up this problem.
I'm having some trouble with the first scene. I feel that it is not believable to me/I do not see a connection. Maybe there are some underlying details I'm missing but I feel that this needs to be changed.
Also, I feel you need to shorten it in some places. You want the audience to be kept on their toes. I'm still debating where exactly I would cut out- maybe just everything in general be a little shorter- just try to get more to the point in some places.
And I do agree with Chris about the ending. I am the same way in how I dont like/want the typical happy ending (but maybe some do!). Them kissing and it ending in freeze frame is typical romantic comedy (which again, many love). But I would like to see more of a little catch/curve ball. It can still end happy but maybe something unexpected/not so cheesy? I'll try to think of somethin
None the less, I really like it!!!! Its turning out great keep it up yo!!!
So you all know I purposefully threw a bunch of stuff in there with the intention of it being cut so thank you for telling me what is useless and what isn't. I'm basically seeing what sticks to the wall on this one.
First Problem:
Okay so I wasn't feelin' it writing the first scene either but the suggestion was to show how their attraction toward each other started. Is this accomplished if I just ax it entirely? The party scene shows that they've been crushing on each other so however I'm hearing that's superfluous as well. Perhaps I need to compress these two into subtext shown in the Headshots scene?
Second Problem:
Ending with Closure vs. Vague Uncertain Ending
With the second ending (you know, the happy one?) I was attempting to throw in more conflict and raise the stakes. It turns out that only gave me the desire to wrap it up because I felt as if I was cheating the audience not going with it. My original ending had more of the tone I was going for but when I throw in a big conflict I REALLY feel like it has to go one way or the other (am I wrong?). I'm so confused on this one.
However I coud raise the stakes with Adam moving to LA and have them break it off again. That would be more dramatic and far more saddening.
I'll bring this all up in class, but any more help would be great.
Good work with writing them separately and linearly. The way I see it you've now got the meat of your script laid out in front of you and now it's time to cut it up, mix it around and just play with it to get the right combo to make a real good script.
Yes, with some of the new additions/dialogue this time around it was getting a bit melodramatic for me and of course that's tough with a romance story any way you spin it. Putting this back into its nonlinear form will help with that though, I think. And although I'm not 100% sure, I think I agree with a few other people here about the ending - a bit predictable/typical. Doesn't mean it's bad, but depending on the tone you're going for with this film I think it's something you'll have to decide to either go with or totally cut out/change. Like you said, what if he does move to LA? Could that be a good ending, or at least part of a good ending? And by good I don't necessarily mean happy but rather memorable, I suppose.
Now that I continue to think even though I couldn't make up my mind a minute ago, at this point I think a more vague ending would be a better fit, assuming the film can really, really make me like these characters beforehand. That way, it's an ending where I would want so bad to know what happens/argue what happens based off of any hints you may have. We wouldn't 100% for sure know if they got back together, but you better believe we'd all hope they did sorta thing.
First off, I like the script, a little long, but like you said, you're just experimenting here.
Two major things, I agree with a few others about the first scene. I'm a little bored by their encounter and I think your first draft was a bit stronger here. I think it was just the initial feel of the characters that the audience connected with, where as here, I get the feeling that I'm on an awkward blind date, which I know you are not wanting from the audience. Also, for the end, again, I have to agree that a satisfying and yet not necessarily typical Hollywood ending would work great here.
You have a good roller-coaster of scenes here with some good highs and lows. I would say trim down the dialog between Adam and DIanne in the 1st and 3rd scene because I found myself getting a little tired of hearing them talk. Otherwise, you can take Chris' advice and cut the scene. The fight scene raises tension, so nice set up there.
I couldn't really tell what was revised and what was old stuff. Not sure if you're using Final Draft or Celtx, but both of them have a revision mode. If you do have Celtx, you might have to download the newest version to get the revision mode, but it works.
Whats the significance of the Hostess/waitress lady, Janice? I get that she wants to show how good of a couple they made but I got a little confused as to why this scene was relevant. If you don't need it, maybe this could be a cut scene.
Also, I feel like Dianne is the stronger of the two characters (in terms of "wearing the pants" if you know what I mean). Maybe Adam should say something different at the end instead of "Alright, now what" because that is not his character. He is sensitive and very open for a male so his commitment to Dianne I think show reflect that.
In regards to how the story is told, I agree with some of the comments here in that the story should focus on the present, and various things in their actions link back to the past. I think, if possible, the past should be told in reverse. Start with remembering the break up and end it with how they first met. You could even have it end ambigiously by using the first time they met at a final scene. It would cut from them looking at each other, without the kiss, to the scene where they first met and we can come to our own conclusion whether or not they'll live happily ever after.
Good stuff overall though. I was surprised at the huge boost in pages but there are a lot of moments there to toy with now.
Matt this is the first time I've read your script and I enjoyed it Linear. Of course its a meaty script and I do agree with Chris. You just need to pick the best/juicy parts and cut the rest. As far as what to cut I believe Chris had some solid insight and agree with him.
Let me know if you have any other questions on certain scenes or if you think something is not clear but overall matt I really enjoyed the story.
Hey Matt, This version of the script is much clearer than the last. I could clearly tell the difference between the characters in the past and in the future.
ReplyDeleteI noticed how you mentioned in the beginning of the script that you want suggestions on how to tell the story. After reading though it I think that the best way to link the past/present stories would be to write situations that can be linked together. Like in "When Harry met Sally", the story bounces between past and present so well because their stories have parallels that link the two. It can be links in locations, in circumstances, in dialogue, or whatever. We just need an easy jumping point between the stories.
Hey matt!
ReplyDeleteI agree with brady in saying that the story is much more clear now; it really helped writing out the two stories. Im not sure if ive said this before but it is very well written and i love the dialogue so great job.
I also read that you want suggestions on how to tell your story. Do you plan on the main story being told in the present? If this is the case I like the idea of jumping around forward and backward in time (in the past). If it wont get entirely too confusing, I like this idea because it reminds me more of the way humans are. We remember things randomly; not in order; we have our memories and they can be triggered by any number of things. just something to dwell on :)
Before I read anything. Write anything. I will say this.
ReplyDeleteGRAGH 34 PAGES!!!! AGHHH. Okay. I'm gonna read it now.
lolololol.
I'm going to say right now, from your opening statement to your previous script. I felt, for the most part you did a good job mixing and matching the story with that nonlinear style. It's not so much a matter of mixing past and present as it is mixing moments. Mixing ups with downs. You just need to make sure you're showing a good and steady contrast without getting repetitive and boring.
Pg 1 - As this is the opening to their relationship. I don't buy it. I bought it the first time around with the photography studio but this seems, almost, forced. The characters are far too willing to just, accept neither of them is a psychopath or a rapist. They just fall into it. There's needs to be some sort of reluctance or nervousness on at least one of the character's parts. From the nature of this script, it's probably gotta be Adam.
Scene1 - maybe you need a mixture of the two, but I thought your opening scene for the original was better, that said, I think they're the same because in the first draft that scene was their first meeting, yes?
After reading that this is right before the scene in the last script, I really don't think you need that first scene. Maybe play with the structure of the headshot scene to make them seem a little more alien to one another, but it certainly works and plays better to your film. I think that first scene just doesn't add much to what we already know or have seen about their relationship.
Oh. Quick after thought. Next time make sure you get this thing to have the stuff you've added in red or bold it, sometimes I can't figure out what was there before or if you added or changed something.
Scene 3 - I don't think it's needed. Nothing particularly interesting happens. It's neither a high nor a low in this couples life. Pick the most intersting points. I say you axe this one.
Scene 4 - Keep it. This is a good high in their story. I think you should consolidate the scene though. It's a bit lengthy at times.
Scene 5 - Good low.
Scene 6- Another good high. In fact. It's a really good middleground. A really good moment of darkness for the both opposed to a perfectly awful moment for just one of them. This would be a good turning point or darkest night kind of point in your script.
I lost track of the scene numbers, but your Annie Hall scene, you know the one, where they run into each other. I don't think you need it. For one, it's really cliche. Wraps everything up in a nice neat bow. You want your audience to really be unsure of the nature of what is or what might happen to the couple.
Pg24 The scene after that works, but again, it's too long. Pick the best parts and stick with those. Get the point a lot quicker. You just need to get to those last two exchanges with the realization that they needed each other. Do what you need to, but get to that point as quickly as you can without making it seem forced.
Every scene after that seems too happy or too great for me. Maybe it's cause I don't like happy endings, but it's all so expected. They had a rough time, but they finally found each other. I don't think you ever need to answer that question. You don't need to be the show Friends and finally get Ross and Rachel together. Leave little clues, but never really answer the question. Leave you audience wanting more.
I had a much easier time reading this draft. I actually liked this ending a lot. Some potential problems I could see with this though, is that it might turn out a little too mellow dramatic, which might be what you are going for but sometimes it can be hard to pull off. I would try and condense this script it seems a little long and drawn out. Im sure once you start; if you do, make the story non linear you could clear up this problem.
ReplyDeleteI'm having some trouble with the first scene. I feel that it is not believable to me/I do not see a connection. Maybe there are some underlying details I'm missing but I feel that this needs to be changed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel you need to shorten it in some places. You want the audience to be kept on their toes. I'm still debating where exactly I would cut out- maybe just everything in general be a little shorter- just try to get more to the point in some places.
And I do agree with Chris about the ending. I am the same way in how I dont like/want the typical happy ending (but maybe some do!). Them kissing and it ending in freeze frame is typical romantic comedy (which again, many love). But I would like to see more of a little catch/curve ball. It can still end happy but maybe something unexpected/not so cheesy? I'll try to think of somethin
None the less, I really like it!!!! Its turning out great keep it up yo!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo you all know I purposefully threw a bunch of stuff in there with the intention of it being cut so thank you for telling me what is useless and what isn't. I'm basically seeing what sticks to the wall on this one.
ReplyDeleteFirst Problem:
Okay so I wasn't feelin' it writing the first scene either but the suggestion was to show how their attraction toward each other started. Is this accomplished if I just ax it entirely? The party scene shows that they've been crushing on each other so however I'm hearing that's superfluous as well. Perhaps I need to compress these two into subtext shown in the Headshots scene?
Second Problem:
Ending with Closure vs. Vague Uncertain Ending
With the second ending (you know, the happy one?) I was attempting to throw in more conflict and raise the stakes. It turns out that only gave me the desire to wrap it up because I felt as if I was cheating the audience not going with it. My original ending had more of the tone I was going for but when I throw in a big conflict I REALLY feel like it has to go one way or the other (am I wrong?). I'm so confused on this one.
However I coud raise the stakes with Adam moving to LA and have them break it off again. That would be more dramatic and far more saddening.
I'll bring this all up in class, but any more help would be great.
Good work with writing them separately and linearly. The way I see it you've now got the meat of your script laid out in front of you and now it's time to cut it up, mix it around and just play with it to get the right combo to make a real good script.
ReplyDeleteYes, with some of the new additions/dialogue this time around it was getting a bit melodramatic for me and of course that's tough with a romance story any way you spin it. Putting this back into its nonlinear form will help with that though, I think. And although I'm not 100% sure, I think I agree with a few other people here about the ending - a bit predictable/typical. Doesn't mean it's bad, but depending on the tone you're going for with this film I think it's something you'll have to decide to either go with or totally cut out/change. Like you said, what if he does move to LA? Could that be a good ending, or at least part of a good ending? And by good I don't necessarily mean happy but rather memorable, I suppose.
Now that I continue to think even though I couldn't make up my mind a minute ago, at this point I think a more vague ending would be a better fit, assuming the film can really, really make me like these characters beforehand. That way, it's an ending where I would want so bad to know what happens/argue what happens based off of any hints you may have. We wouldn't 100% for sure know if they got back together, but you better believe we'd all hope they did sorta thing.
First off, I like the script, a little long, but like you said, you're just experimenting here.
ReplyDeleteTwo major things, I agree with a few others about the first scene. I'm a little bored by their encounter and I think your first draft was a bit stronger here. I think it was just the initial feel of the characters that the audience connected with, where as here, I get the feeling that I'm on an awkward blind date, which I know you are not wanting from the audience. Also, for the end, again, I have to agree that a satisfying and yet not necessarily typical Hollywood ending would work great here.
You have a good roller-coaster of scenes here with some good highs and lows. I would say trim down the dialog between Adam and DIanne in the 1st and 3rd scene because I found myself getting a little tired of hearing them talk. Otherwise, you can take Chris' advice and cut the scene. The fight scene raises tension, so nice set up there.
I couldn't really tell what was revised and what was old stuff. Not sure if you're using Final Draft or Celtx, but both of them have a revision mode. If you do have Celtx, you might have to download the newest version to get the revision mode, but it works.
Whats the significance of the Hostess/waitress lady, Janice? I get that she wants to show how good of a couple they made but I got a little confused as to why this scene was relevant. If you don't need it, maybe this could be a cut scene.
Also, I feel like Dianne is the stronger of the two characters (in terms of "wearing the pants" if you know what I mean). Maybe Adam should say something different at the end instead of "Alright, now what" because that is not his character. He is sensitive and very open for a male so his commitment to Dianne I think show reflect that.
In regards to how the story is told, I agree with some of the comments here in that the story should focus on the present, and various things in their actions link back to the past. I think, if possible, the past should be told in reverse. Start with remembering the break up and end it with how they first met. You could even have it end ambigiously by using the first time they met at a final scene. It would cut from them looking at each other, without the kiss, to the scene where they first met and we can come to our own conclusion whether or not they'll live happily ever after.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff overall though. I was surprised at the huge boost in pages but there are a lot of moments there to toy with now.
Matt this is the first time I've read your script and I enjoyed it Linear. Of course its a meaty script and I do agree with Chris. You just need to pick the best/juicy parts and cut the rest. As far as what to cut I believe Chris had some solid insight and agree with him.
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you have any other questions on certain scenes or if you think something is not clear but overall matt I really enjoyed the story.