I don't believe I have read any of your material before, so this must be the first draft.
Is this the full draft? I saw you had some notes about finishing it. Does that mean you will be coming full circle back to the Old Woman and the children? I am a little confused as to why you have that as an introduction and yet you never return to it.
Page 1-"She points TO a stack of radishes on the side of her house" Why does she point to the radishes?! And why are the children smiling coyly? Page 2- What/who is the TOWN CRIER? I don't know what role this person plays. Are you planning to bring them into the story somewhere? You only need to capitalize the characters when you first introduce them in the script. Page 3-Why is the Prince talking to himself? How did he get to the White Cat's Castle?
I understand from page 3 on that you have no action because you are still developing action, settings, etc.
Page 5- what's a Dogstar? What is muslin?
Page 6- How do we know her name is Blanchette? That kinda came out of nowhere.
I don't understand why the prince says "white cat, white car, are you making fun of me?"
Page 8-What happens to the mom in the garden? It just says she turns her steps in the direction of the garden, how does the daughter disappear.
Will you be showing all of this or just having her tell the story?
Page 11- How are you going to accomplish the crystal chair that shatters?! The description sounds very cool and ambitious to try and accomplish.
So the Princess solves all the problems? I think I missed the conflict here.
This is obviously a beginning draft/outline and I apologize for all the criticism and questions. I think you have a cool concept here and I can't wait to see how you develop it. I wish you had some more material to show us.
I'm not familiar with this story, so with the draft as it is, it's a bit difficult for me to understand. I like what you have so far the dialogue is really good. Is it directly from the story or did you write it? It really sounds like part of an old fairy tale.
One suggestion would be to tie in the old woman and the kids from the beginning of the story at the end. She starts out telling the story in the beginning and disappears from the script all together. I'm a little confused what happens when they hear the bell sound and the town crier approach or if that part isn't finished.
Great idea for a story. I can't wait to hear more!
I don't believe I have read any of your material before, so this must be the first draft.
ReplyDeleteIs this the full draft? I saw you had some notes about finishing it. Does that mean you will be coming full circle back to the Old Woman and the children? I am a little confused as to why you have that as an introduction and yet you never return to it.
Page 1-"She points TO a stack of radishes on the side of her house" Why does she point to the radishes?! And why are the children smiling coyly?
Page 2- What/who is the TOWN CRIER? I don't know what role this person plays. Are you planning to bring them into the story somewhere? You only need to capitalize the characters when you first introduce them in the script.
Page 3-Why is the Prince talking to himself? How did he get to the White Cat's Castle?
I understand from page 3 on that you have no action because you are still developing action, settings, etc.
Page 5- what's a Dogstar? What is muslin?
Page 6- How do we know her name is Blanchette? That kinda came out of nowhere.
I don't understand why the prince says "white cat, white car, are you making fun of me?"
Page 8-What happens to the mom in the garden? It just says she turns her steps in the direction of the garden, how does the daughter disappear.
Will you be showing all of this or just having her tell the story?
Page 11- How are you going to accomplish the crystal chair that shatters?! The description sounds very cool and ambitious to try and accomplish.
So the Princess solves all the problems? I think I missed the conflict here.
This is obviously a beginning draft/outline and I apologize for all the criticism and questions. I think you have a cool concept here and I can't wait to see how you develop it. I wish you had some more material to show us.
Is this animation?
Andrea,
ReplyDeleteI'm not familiar with this story, so with the draft as it is, it's a bit difficult for me to understand. I like what you have so far the dialogue is really good. Is it directly from the story or did you write it? It really sounds like part of an old fairy tale.
One suggestion would be to tie in the old woman and the kids from the beginning of the story at the end. She starts out telling the story in the beginning and disappears from the script all together. I'm a little confused what happens when they hear the bell sound and the town crier approach or if that part isn't finished.
Great idea for a story. I can't wait to hear more!
Andrea,
ReplyDeleteI like this, but I'm concerned it is too dialogue driven and that there is not enough visual storytelling. We can discuss more in class.
Adam
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