Hey Matt, I just read your newest draft and put down my thoughts below. It was kind of hard to see what had changed or been rewritten in this draft (you should of done the “bold/ color” thang!), and with it being so late in the game, I don’t have much new stuff to say, but I will do my best.
The beginning of the script is kind of confusing to me (pages 1-4, where Adam goes into Dianne’s to get his headshots)… this is the 1st time they have ever met right? It plays off like they have known each other for a while through the same friends or something. I remember in an earlier draft it was where they 1st met, and then hit it off right away but here, I don’t get that vibe.
Pages 8-11 kind of tread similar ground. Both Adam and Dianne go back and forth asking each can you believe we met up again… and it gets kind of old. Just have them say it once and then move forward.
As for the ending… I don’t remember how it used to go, but this ending is somewhat “cheesy”. I cant exactly put my finger on it on reasons why though. I wanted both of these characters to get together… I wanted them to both “grow up”… and it mostly kept up with the rest of the script’s tone, but it just reads “off” to me. Maybe Dianna shouldn’t resist at all, and just say yes to Adam when he tells her idea. I think the audience expects her to be apprehensive and bring up the “what ifs” to the whole situation… surprise us!
I really this story man… and your script is great. This something that hits VERY close to home with me, and I think you nailed the tone… just mix it up with the ending.
I on the other hand liked your new ending, even though I can't say I seen the previous one. It does feel like the story is building up all the way until the climax. I don't remember if you made it clear how they broke up the first time, but I feel that if you didn't you should. This will help us as the audience relate more to the characters and there circumstances. Plus it will make the ending and them "getting back together" more believable and we will see where they're coming from.
Pg1 -Hi, sorry I couldn’t find a place to park where I wouldn’t be towed. I was towed last week so... It was funny cause I thought my car was stolen. You think they’d leave you a note or something... I don’t know... Um... should I go ahead and sit?
Was this line in your last drafts? If it was, well, I don't know why, but I don't think it works now. It's a little wordy for a man who comes into a studio timidly. It sounds too casual. Maybe if you awkward(ed) it up a bit, it might work. It sounds too cool, make it sound more like he's talking just to fill dead space. Or maybe that's what it's sposed to be and I'm just reading it weird in my head. Mer.
Pg2-"So... I liked your exhibit. It was fascinating. I’m glad Bryan and Jen dragged me along."
This line only makes sense because I've read your full breakdown, but that being said, the opening makes it seem like they've never met and that makes this line make no sense.
Pg5 - I don't know if I like your choice of making your second scene of them meeting down the road. Right now, it feels like, oh they never saw each other again until this moment. I think you need to establish, straight on, a relationship in the second scene. Maybe go to one of the explosive moments. Go right into the break up.
The scene just doesn't fit. I'm not invested in the characters yet and really don't know much about them or their relationship so I just don't care yet. You need to invest me this relationship before I can look at it and listen to them talk about the days that once were. And if you are. It needs to be shorter and get to the awesome and horrible parts quick. Right now, it's a lot of exposition just being blurted out by the characters, instead of being discovered in the subtext of the story.
EXT. PARK BENCH
I really think this needs to be your second scene. Except shorter. Don't give away too much. Maybe cut this thing up. Sprinkle bits of it throughout the script. Leave some mystery.
Or maybe. You open with the old version of them meeting up. Shorten that up. And then go right into the bad parts. And this is a little early on in the script to say, since I havent finished reading yet, but have you thought of OLD PEOPLE PART - SPRINKLED IN WITH A LOT OF BAD AND FIGHTING - MAYBE A LITTLE GOOD TO - and then maybe you end with that opening scene....contrasting it all with the pure innocence of that opening scene
Ok. The ending. I don't know. It's alright. I wasn't too invested with it, but I can see it working.
Overall. As much as I like your dialogue and the flow of it, the script is too wordy. I think you've got too much conversation. You're finding the longest way to get a point across in the longest convo possible. I think you need to go through and find exactly what message you want to convey and just get to it, short and to the point. And then sprinkle in your long lengths of dialogue within, but when it's something important keep it short and powerful. I think you could get this script down to 12-15 pages easy. You just need to cut a lot out. Like the scene where they talk about their futures. The most important part is "Do you think we'll make it -- ya it's going to be great" As far as I'm concerned that's all you need. That's your important part. Get to things like that quicker. The tongue and cheek style you have for your characters is only entertaining for so long. Pick and choose your best and throw out what isn't that great.
pg 13 - For one, I have no comments up until page 13, so there's that. For two, Dianne's line "Yeah I don't think..." - she starts both of those sentences with 'yeah,' nix the second 'yeah.'
Ok, all of the dialogue is very naturalistic and I rarely find myself thinking that a line won't work or thinking that something will come off as melodramatic. However, I don't think there's enough conflict here in the end of the story. It's just sorta like Adam: Dianne, come away with me. Dianne: But I'm scared. Adam: Don't worry baby. Dianne: Gee, alright. And then it ends. He never really has to fight for her and it feels like there isn't really a climax. I feel like the stories of the past and present need to build up together and the cutting between them needs to quicken up as the story progresses so by the end they're cutting together rapidly and music crescendos and the movie ends before we find out if they get back together or not...or does it, because just as you think the movie's over and you're about the leave, the picture fades back in and it's a flashback to when they were together six years ago and they're happy, or (like Chris said) it's the opening scene and we see the relationship spark.
Uhhhh, sorry that I just left feedback where I basically told your story like a pitch, but not your story now, your story how I think it would work best, schwooooops, hope you understand what I'm trying to describe.
Pg 1: I like Adam's opening line. But I think Dianne should respond to the whole Ticket thing. Just an "that sucks about your ticket". should work. That way she doesn't seem so cold.
Pg 18 Past Int. Apartment - day I really like this scene.
The ending: I agree with Erica that Adam should fight for Dianne. But not the whole running to catch her before she gets on an airplane, that's too chiche. It could work if Dianne had something to stay for or she got a job promotion or job offer in another state. As it is now, it just falls into place to easily. This scene needs conflict.
But other than that I really, really like this script. I just feel that there's too much dialogue. Especially in coffee shop covnos. I think you can trim those down a bit.
In this version, it ended too easily and happily for me to believe. In your last script I was invested, and that was because I could see how torn they were.
If your going to have them come together at the end, there must be more of a struggle. This is what I love about your piece, and right now this ending doesn't fit with your tone.
i do have to agree with everyone else here about the ending. She seems really mad and scared on page 21. She honestly sounds like someone who is fighting to stay where she is at. (of course, she is!) so.. does she really want to go with him? is she going with him because thats what he wants? It does seem a little too quick with her suddenly changing her approach to all of this especially since she seems to rooted into her opinions of not wanting to go anywhere. He does have a nice way of talking her into it.. just seems quick. good work!
I like this script, I think once all of the ideas above this post are addressed you will have a really solid screenplay. I'm not really sure about the ending, I can't decide if I like it or not but judging from the people before me, the majority think it should be changed, so I am going to suggest listing to them.
Pg 7: Typo: Diference = difference Do we ever get a definitive timeframe of how long it's been? I think it might help make the differences a bit clearer.
Pg 19: Typo: Dian = Dianne
Pg 20: "Listen, it just does." It just does what?
"I don't know, maybe it's just that I'm afraid," the line feels weird after Adam just asked her what is she afraid.
I'll agree with the fight for Dianne at the end. Needs more struggle. Or you could even go the Before Sunset route and have Dianne already be in a relationship so there's even more conflict in the present, though that'd probably change up more dialogue than just tweaking the ending.
Overall though, I'm liking it! The pacing feels good and I love the different moods set forth in each scene.
I think the dialogue in the beginning seems very real. I felt it flowed very nicely and felt like a real conversation!
I feel "I sincerely doubt it" might sound a little odd. I feel like people in general do not talk like that BUT that could be your character. Just a thought
Overall, I really like it. I think the balance between fighting and lovie dovie stuff is composed nicely. One thing though- I dont know why- but I wanted to see Dianne leave Adam. But I get the point of how love conquers all sorta thing.
This draft is a big improvement. Like everyone else has said, the dialogue it great. I especially like the part where she says something about searching for "another you." The dialogue at the end was really good and I liked the ending until pg 21 where she it says "Dianne comes to her conclusion." For me, it kind of came out of nowhere. It seemed like she was so against it and then she was suddenly just convinced. I'm not sure how to get around that besides doing something really dramatic like having him propose to make her change her mind or possibly leaving an open ending. What I'm trying to say is I do like the ending I just think her decision shouldnt happen so suddenly for no reason.
Its a really good idea and I definitely get a better feel for the characters in this draft! Nice work!
GREAT feedback. I will take this all very seriously.
So essentially I've come to the conclusion that I have chopped this thing up and rewritten to the point of where it's become a mess and I need to figure out what the fuck I was trying to say in the first place.
Thanks everybody, I think I kind of see what I've been doing incorrectly. Too bad this is the last deliverable however.
Most of the people got the typos covered, one thing I found: pg 20-grab her arm lightly to keep HER from walking away again.
pg 21-"dianne comes to her conclusion" this sentence is a little strange. What do you mean by this? You don't need to say she comes to her conclusion, we see this when she moves in and kisses Adam. She is obviously choosing destiny.
This ending is a lot better than the last one. I think Adam's character should be going after Dianne and not the other way around. Her hesitating definitely fits her character and the fact that she can't make a clear decision matches a typical woman's train of thought, nice job.
You have some great natural dialog in here! Great work Matt.
It seems like everyone already hit on my biggest issue that I had with this script and that's the problem with lack of enough conflict. I didn't feel like there was enough reason for Dianne to get from point A where she doesn't want to leave to point B where she's ready to go.
I felt like I wanted to see more conflict in the second act that leads to the reasoning of the character's in the 3rd act.
So you'll probably think I'm crazy but after reading the script this time in non-linear form I enjoyed it. But after you jump back and forth from the past and present so often I kind of got lost in this relationship. This is something I have to be careful of myself with my script.
I feel like one or two of these scenes can be at least shortened. I agree with Chris with starting your second scene with them meeting down the road. I feel it's too soon and think you can create some great tension by smash cutting into one of their fights. It will throw the audience off and make them becoming vested in your characters early on.
Chris's points are spot on off what I'm coming across. This is pretty wordy and at times seems like it just carries on. I think you should start thinking in terms of visual story telling for your next revision. I'd be more than happy to help you with that because I believe that will come off stronger and let the audience soak in the images.
I'm sorry I feel like I'm rambling on here but next time I see you in person lets have a sit down and chat about this.
Middle of 4 – “Tom, I’m going to have to call you back.” Just a little too long/awkward perhaps. “I’ll call you back.” “Tom, call you back.” Instead?
Really enjoy the “cable series where I solve crimes by talking to dead horses” joke
ROFL “You know valeting pays really well if you find the right place.”
Bottom of 19, “I’m not just hear me out-“ = "I’m not, just hear me out.”
Top of 20, “Listen, it just does.” What?
Same-ish spot, Dianne's line "Good question." Don't need it. Just jump right into "I don't know."
Ending dialogue needs work. Feels forced and too wordy. Good moments throughout however.
Matt, you could take Chris Meyer's comments and basically put my seal of approval on them. I was talking to him last night and I agree that to end on the first scene could be a really strong choice, giving closure and a sense of "Circle of life" or something to the piece. Your title is "Still," I feel like that has a lot more to say about your piece and we're not seeing it quite yet.
Focus focus focus what you're trying to say and use as few words to get there as possible. I think to make this romance work well, you're going to have to be as precise and economical with your words, scenes, and acts as possible. As economical as a Country Club going through a recession and a drought at the same time... ;-)
Hey Matt,
ReplyDeleteI just read your newest draft and put down my thoughts below. It was kind of hard to see what had changed or been rewritten in this draft (you should of done the “bold/ color” thang!), and with it being so late in the game, I don’t have much new stuff to say, but I will do my best.
The beginning of the script is kind of confusing to me (pages 1-4, where Adam goes into Dianne’s to get his headshots)… this is the 1st time they have ever met right? It plays off like they have known each other for a while through the same friends or something. I remember in an earlier draft it was where they 1st met, and then hit it off right away but here, I don’t get that vibe.
Pages 8-11 kind of tread similar ground. Both Adam and Dianne go back and forth asking each can you believe we met up again… and it gets kind of old. Just have them say it once and then move forward.
As for the ending… I don’t remember how it used to go, but this ending is somewhat “cheesy”. I cant exactly put my finger on it on reasons why though. I wanted both of these characters to get together… I wanted them to both “grow up”… and it mostly kept up with the rest of the script’s tone, but it just reads “off” to me. Maybe Dianna shouldn’t resist at all, and just say yes to Adam when he tells her idea. I think the audience expects her to be apprehensive and bring up the “what ifs” to the whole situation… surprise us!
I really this story man… and your script is great. This something that hits VERY close to home with me, and I think you nailed the tone… just mix it up with the ending.
Good script,
ReplyDeleteI on the other hand liked your new ending, even though I can't say I seen the previous one. It does feel like the story is building up all the way until the climax. I don't remember if you made it clear how they broke up the first time, but I feel that if you didn't you should. This will help us as the audience relate more to the characters and there circumstances. Plus it will make the ending and them "getting back together" more believable and we will see where they're coming from.
I really like it though
Pg1 -Hi, sorry I couldn’t find a place to park where I wouldn’t be towed. I was towed last week so... It was funny cause I thought my car was stolen. You think they’d leave you a note or something... I don’t know... Um... should I go ahead and sit?
ReplyDeleteWas this line in your last drafts? If it was, well, I don't know why, but I don't think it works now. It's a little wordy for a man who comes into a studio timidly. It sounds too casual. Maybe if you awkward(ed) it up a bit, it might work. It sounds too cool, make it sound more like he's talking just to fill dead space. Or maybe that's what it's sposed to be and I'm just reading it weird in my head. Mer.
Pg2-"So... I liked your exhibit. It was fascinating. I’m glad Bryan and Jen dragged me along."
This line only makes sense because I've read your full breakdown, but that being said, the opening makes it seem like they've never met and that makes this line make no sense.
Pg5 - I don't know if I like your choice of making your second scene of them meeting down the road. Right now, it feels like, oh they never saw each other again until this moment. I think you need to establish, straight on, a relationship in the second scene. Maybe go to one of the explosive moments. Go right into the break up.
The scene just doesn't fit. I'm not invested in the characters yet and really don't know much about them or their relationship so I just don't care yet. You need to invest me this relationship before I can look at it and listen to them talk about the days that once were. And if you are. It needs to be shorter and get to the awesome and horrible parts quick. Right now, it's a lot of exposition just being blurted out by the characters, instead of being discovered in the subtext of the story.
EXT. PARK BENCH
I really think this needs to be your second scene. Except shorter. Don't give away too much. Maybe cut this thing up. Sprinkle bits of it throughout the script. Leave some mystery.
Or maybe. You open with the old version of them meeting up. Shorten that up. And then go right into the bad parts. And this is a little early on in the script to say, since I havent finished reading yet, but have you thought of OLD PEOPLE PART - SPRINKLED IN WITH A LOT OF BAD AND FIGHTING - MAYBE A LITTLE GOOD TO - and then maybe you end with that opening scene....contrasting it all with the pure innocence of that opening scene
Ok. The ending. I don't know. It's alright. I wasn't too invested with it, but I can see it working.
Overall. As much as I like your dialogue and the flow of it, the script is too wordy. I think you've got too much conversation. You're finding the longest way to get a point across in the longest convo possible. I think you need to go through and find exactly what message you want to convey and just get to it, short and to the point. And then sprinkle in your long lengths of dialogue within, but when it's something important keep it short and powerful. I think you could get this script down to 12-15 pages easy. You just need to cut a lot out. Like the scene where they talk about their futures. The most important part is "Do you think we'll make it -- ya it's going to be great" As far as I'm concerned that's all you need. That's your important part. Get to things like that quicker. The tongue and cheek style you have for your characters is only entertaining for so long. Pick and choose your best and throw out what isn't that great.
pg 13 - For one, I have no comments up until page 13, so there's that. For two, Dianne's line "Yeah I don't think..." - she starts both of those sentences with 'yeah,' nix the second 'yeah.'
ReplyDeleteOk, all of the dialogue is very naturalistic and I rarely find myself thinking that a line won't work or thinking that something will come off as melodramatic. However, I don't think there's enough conflict here in the end of the story. It's just sorta like
Adam: Dianne, come away with me.
Dianne: But I'm scared.
Adam: Don't worry baby.
Dianne: Gee, alright.
And then it ends. He never really has to fight for her and it feels like there isn't really a climax. I feel like the stories of the past and present need to build up together and the cutting between them needs to quicken up as the story progresses so by the end they're cutting together rapidly and music crescendos and the movie ends before we find out if they get back together or not...or does it, because just as you think the movie's over and you're about the leave, the picture fades back in and it's a flashback to when they were together six years ago and they're happy, or (like Chris said) it's the opening scene and we see the relationship spark.
Uhhhh, sorry that I just left feedback where I basically told your story like a pitch, but not your story now, your story how I think it would work best, schwooooops, hope you understand what I'm trying to describe.
Hey Matt, this script is coming together nicely!
ReplyDeletePg 1: I like Adam's opening line. But I think Dianne should respond to the whole Ticket thing. Just an "that sucks about your ticket". should work. That way she doesn't seem so cold.
Pg 18 Past Int. Apartment - day
I really like this scene.
The ending: I agree with Erica that Adam should fight for Dianne. But not the whole running to catch her before she gets on an airplane, that's too chiche. It could work if Dianne had something to stay for or she got a job promotion or job offer in another state. As it is now, it just falls into place to easily. This scene needs conflict.
But other than that I really, really like this script. I just feel that there's too much dialogue. Especially in coffee shop covnos. I think you can trim those down a bit.
Overall, good job on this draft!
Matt, I prefer the other ending.
ReplyDeleteIn this version, it ended too easily and happily for me to believe. In your last script I was invested, and that was because I could see how torn they were.
If your going to have them come together at the end, there must be more of a struggle. This is what I love about your piece, and right now this ending doesn't fit with your tone.
I know you can fix this.
hey matt
ReplyDeletei do have to agree with everyone else here about the ending. She seems really mad and scared on page 21. She honestly sounds like someone who is fighting to stay where she is at. (of course, she is!) so.. does she really want to go with him? is she going with him because thats what he wants? It does seem a little too quick with her suddenly changing her approach to all of this especially since she seems to rooted into her opinions of not wanting to go anywhere. He does have a nice way of talking her into it.. just seems quick. good work!
I like this script, I think once all of the ideas above this post are addressed you will have a really solid screenplay. I'm not really sure about the ending, I can't decide if I like it or not but judging from the people before me, the majority think it should be changed, so I am going to suggest listing to them.
ReplyDeletePg 2: Typo: Lense = lens
ReplyDeletePg 7: Typo: Diference = difference
Do we ever get a definitive timeframe of how long it's been? I think it might help make the differences a bit clearer.
Pg 19: Typo: Dian = Dianne
Pg 20: "Listen, it just does." It just does what?
"I don't know, maybe it's just that I'm afraid," the line feels weird after Adam just asked her what is she afraid.
I'll agree with the fight for Dianne at the end. Needs more struggle. Or you could even go the Before Sunset route and have Dianne already be in a relationship so there's even more conflict in the present, though that'd probably change up more dialogue than just tweaking the ending.
Overall though, I'm liking it! The pacing feels good and I love the different moods set forth in each scene.
I think the dialogue in the beginning seems very real. I felt it flowed very nicely and felt like a real conversation!
ReplyDeleteI feel "I sincerely doubt it" might sound a little odd. I feel like people in general do not talk like that BUT that could be your character. Just a thought
Overall, I really like it. I think the balance between fighting and lovie dovie stuff is composed nicely. One thing though- I dont know why- but I wanted to see Dianne leave Adam. But I get the point of how love conquers all sorta thing.
Great work! Glad your piece turned out so well!
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThis draft is a big improvement. Like everyone else has said, the dialogue it great. I especially like the part where she says something about searching for "another you." The dialogue at the end was really good and I liked the ending until pg 21 where she it says "Dianne comes to her conclusion." For me, it kind of came out of nowhere. It seemed like she was so against it and then she was suddenly just convinced. I'm not sure how to get around that besides doing something really dramatic like having him propose to make her change her mind or possibly leaving an open ending. What I'm trying to say is I do like the ending I just think her decision shouldnt happen so suddenly for no reason.
Its a really good idea and I definitely get a better feel for the characters in this draft! Nice work!
Hello to everybody commenting!
ReplyDeleteGREAT feedback. I will take this all very seriously.
So essentially I've come to the conclusion that I have chopped this thing up and rewritten to the point of where it's become a mess and I need to figure out what the fuck I was trying to say in the first place.
Thanks everybody, I think I kind of see what I've been doing incorrectly. Too bad this is the last deliverable however.
Most of the people got the typos covered, one thing I found:
ReplyDeletepg 20-grab her arm lightly to keep HER from walking away again.
pg 21-"dianne comes to her conclusion" this sentence is a little strange. What do you mean by this? You don't need to say she comes to her conclusion, we see this when she moves in and kisses Adam. She is obviously choosing destiny.
This ending is a lot better than the last one. I think Adam's character should be going after Dianne and not the other way around. Her hesitating definitely fits her character and the fact that she can't make a clear decision matches a typical woman's train of thought, nice job.
You have some great natural dialog in here! Great work Matt.
It seems like everyone already hit on my biggest issue that I had with this script and that's the problem with lack of enough conflict. I didn't feel like there was enough reason for Dianne to get from point A where she doesn't want to leave to point B where she's ready to go.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I wanted to see more conflict in the second act that leads to the reasoning of the character's in the 3rd act.
Hey Matt! ;)
ReplyDeleteSo you'll probably think I'm crazy but after reading the script this time in non-linear form I enjoyed it. But after you jump back and forth from the past and present so often I kind of got lost in this relationship. This is something I have to be careful of myself with my script.
I feel like one or two of these scenes can be at least shortened. I agree with Chris with starting your second scene with them meeting down the road. I feel it's too soon and think you can create some great tension by smash cutting into one of their fights. It will throw the audience off and make them becoming vested in your characters early on.
Chris's points are spot on off what I'm coming across. This is pretty wordy and at times seems like it just carries on. I think you should start thinking in terms of visual story telling for your next revision. I'd be more than happy to help you with that because I believe that will come off stronger and let the audience soak in the images.
I'm sorry I feel like I'm rambling on here but next time I see you in person lets have a sit down and chat about this.
Much love brotha!!
Matt Eidenbock
ReplyDeleteBottom of page 2 lense = lens
Middle of 4 – “Tom, I’m going to have to call you back.” Just a little too long/awkward perhaps. “I’ll call you back.” “Tom, call you back.” Instead?
Really enjoy the “cable series where I solve crimes by talking to dead horses” joke
ROFL “You know valeting pays really well if you find the right place.”
Bottom of 19, “I’m not just hear me out-“ = "I’m not, just hear me out.”
Top of 20, “Listen, it just does.” What?
Same-ish spot, Dianne's line "Good question." Don't need it. Just jump right into "I don't know."
Ending dialogue needs work. Feels forced and too wordy. Good moments throughout however.
Matt, you could take Chris Meyer's comments and basically put my seal of approval on them. I was talking to him last night and I agree that to end on the first scene could be a really strong choice, giving closure and a sense of "Circle of life" or something to the piece. Your title is "Still," I feel like that has a lot more to say about your piece and we're not seeing it quite yet.
Focus focus focus what you're trying to say and use as few words to get there as possible. I think to make this romance work well, you're going to have to be as precise and economical with your words, scenes, and acts as possible. As economical as a Country Club going through a recession and a drought at the same time... ;-)