More or less, I don't feel like I can give much feedback until I see the script to start to come together. I like where it's going and it's a pretty solid outline. It'll be interesting to discover who the characters are in regards to their dialogue and those little actions added here in there hidden amongst the script.
Outline looks good. I am not sure about the name Clayton, it doesn't fit an art student, all I keep picturing is the character from Disney's Tarzan. Nice how the story comes full circle and Clayton is able to move on with his life and it almost seems as if the girl was never really there to begin with, sort of like a Twilight Zone episode.
When you say rooftop do you mean balcony or an actual apartment building rooftop because I don't see how Clayton can be watching other people from up on the rooftop as oppose to a balcony.
I like your idea so far. It is only the outline so far but I see it having a lot of potential!
I think that you could really play around visuals in this. When reading the outline, I saw a lot of potential. For instance, with the blue dress, you could definitely do something cool (I'm sure you already have something in mind)
Very curious/excited to see where this goes with a script.
about your question with him on a rooftop - yes I mean rooftop. This is way easier to explain in person, but maybe this will clear it up quicker - As of right now, this story is definitely not set in anywhere similar to the Phoenix area, or AZ for that matter. Big city, urban, buildings. Lots of em, close together. Shooting out of AZ is a lofty goal I'm aiming high to achieve, but I understand the logistical/financial/emotional and stressful nightmare it may bring upon myself and my producer haha and not a day goes by right now that I'm thinking how I will transplant the story to a less urban setting if it ends up being too complicated/expensive.
D1 - √ STORY OUTLINE I; How can the audience know that the apt has been empty a long time? 2; cool idea that when he brings out the figurine, she appears in the apt 3; Montage will be an ambitious thing cinematically and from a production design pov 5; good to have the figurine break; creates worry/tension about the girl and if she's hurt; hand coming from below window is effective I'm not sure what the end is giving you; looking forward to reading you journal to see what you are after
this is an ambitious intriguing piece; i sense you have a lot on your mind that isn't getting on the page; classic gap problem. Lastly, you will need to make clear(er) that he's getting over a break-up, but I think that will be more easily done in a screenplay format One last thing: you can't just montage what he does with his figurine after discovering the power it has; the drama lies in watching what he chooses to do with the new found power and the consequences the choices have for her and him; you have to flesh out the period between him discovering his power and Ralph coming over; that section IS YOUR MOVIE creating the city will be challenging (the actual city, not the model - but the model will be really tough as well!)
FJ your moral and what he learns are NOT coming through where are your pics for Casting?? overall a very thoughtful journal; outline and journal combine for a strong start
D2 DUE first draft sketch of the model and and apt in background and 6 other sketches watch Synecdoche NY and report on it's relationship to your piece
- I’m assuming dialogue is still yet to come. So far I love the idea so interesting and different. I’m not sure about him only going to art class. Does he work or is he going to college? When he leaves his art pieces that he makes for the imaginary girl he leaves them on the roof. Isn’t the rooftop a communal place? Wouldn’t he be worried other people would mess with it? Also when he first gets the figurine is it clothed? If not wouldn’t the girl have been naked? Also I’m not sure if Clayton is the only on who can see the girl? When he brings up Ralph its unclear weather he just doesn’t believe him and doesn’t want to look or if he looks and doesn’t see anything.
More or less, I don't feel like I can give much feedback until I see the script to start to come together. I like where it's going and it's a pretty solid outline. It'll be interesting to discover who the characters are in regards to their dialogue and those little actions added here in there hidden amongst the script.
ReplyDeleteOutline looks good. I am not sure about the name Clayton, it doesn't fit an art student, all I keep picturing is the character from Disney's Tarzan. Nice how the story comes full circle and Clayton is able to move on with his life and it almost seems as if the girl was never really there to begin with, sort of like a Twilight Zone episode.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say rooftop do you mean balcony or an actual apartment building rooftop because I don't see how Clayton can be watching other people from up on the rooftop as oppose to a balcony.
I like your idea so far. It is only the outline so far but I see it having a lot of potential!
ReplyDeleteI think that you could really play around visuals in this. When reading the outline, I saw a lot of potential. For instance, with the blue dress, you could definitely do something cool (I'm sure you already have something in mind)
Very curious/excited to see where this goes with a script.
Chelsea -
ReplyDeleteabout your question with him on a rooftop - yes I mean rooftop. This is way easier to explain in person, but maybe this will clear it up quicker - As of right now, this story is definitely not set in anywhere similar to the Phoenix area, or AZ for that matter. Big city, urban, buildings. Lots of em, close together. Shooting out of AZ is a lofty goal I'm aiming high to achieve, but I understand the logistical/financial/emotional and stressful nightmare it may bring upon myself and my producer haha and not a day goes by right now that I'm thinking how I will transplant the story to a less urban setting if it ends up being too complicated/expensive.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSTORY OUTLINE
I; How can the audience know that the apt has been empty a long time?
2; cool idea that when he brings out the figurine, she appears in the apt
3; Montage will be an ambitious thing cinematically and from a production design pov
5; good to have the figurine break; creates worry/tension about the girl and if she's hurt; hand coming from below window is effective
I'm not sure what the end is giving you; looking forward to reading you journal to see what you are after
this is an ambitious intriguing piece; i sense you have a lot on your mind that isn't getting on the page; classic gap problem.
Lastly, you will need to make clear(er) that he's getting over a break-up, but I think that will be more easily done in a screenplay format
One last thing: you can't just montage what he does with his figurine after discovering the power it has; the drama lies in watching what he chooses to do with the new found power and the consequences the choices have for her and him; you have to flesh out the period between him discovering his power and Ralph coming over; that section IS YOUR MOVIE
creating the city will be challenging (the actual city, not the model - but the model will be really tough as well!)
FJ
your moral and what he learns are NOT coming through
where are your pics for Casting??
overall a very thoughtful journal; outline and journal combine for a strong start
D2
DUE
first draft
sketch of the model and and apt in background and 6 other sketches
watch Synecdoche NY and report on it's relationship to your piece
D3
DUE
protoype of the model
- I’m assuming dialogue is still yet to come. So far I love the idea so interesting and different. I’m not sure about him only going to art class. Does he work or is he going to college? When he leaves his art pieces that he makes for the imaginary girl he leaves them on the roof. Isn’t the rooftop a communal place? Wouldn’t he be worried other people would mess with it? Also when he first gets the figurine is it clothed? If not wouldn’t the girl have been naked? Also I’m not sure if Clayton is the only on who can see the girl? When he brings up Ralph its unclear weather he just doesn’t believe him and doesn’t want to look or if he looks and doesn’t see anything.
ReplyDelete