I really like Sam's character. I had some trouble sympathizing with Peter and Davids character. Peter I felt was kind of a jerk but then he sacrifices himself in the end, which was pretty bold.
It might still be a little long for a short film, but I think you did a great job with the whole script overall.
Is the title Passenger supposed to be a reference to David at the end in the guys truck?
Cool mix of The Ghost and the Darkness and Dawn of the Dead.
Some of the dialogue at the beginning seems unnatural like Sam saying "sweating like a whore in church already" That doesn't seem like something a office dork would say.
I think that you cut out a lot of what needed to be cut out to make this shorter, but I think you could go even further. The story is awesome but since it is supposed to be a short film I would try to get to the action faster. The first scene could probably be cut out completely. I really like what you did Sam's character as well. One thing that I think could be cut out of the dialogue is how peter and david talk about the investors being rich and businessmen. With the correct clothing and attitude I think you could show this visually.
I agree with Nick. You could cut a lot out of this script and still keep the story you're going for. I think if you manage to cut this thing way down, you're final product/message/goal will be that much more intense.
Pg2 - "Legit? Who says that anymore". Seems like you could achieve that joke with more of a character play or body language instead of expressing it solely through the dialogue. I think you could get away with him just saying "legit?" and the joke would still sell.
Pg5 - On page 5, I don't know if these characters develop or not, but from first impressions, I don't see the point of having both Brian and Sam. You might be able to fuse them into one character.
Also. The scottsdale line, while it'll be funny to people in the area, I dunno, something about it sounds right. You can still get away with the joke by being vague. Just saying town.
Pg7 - Supply station? I guess I'm a little confused. Maybe I missed something but I'm not entirely getting what's going on. I'm assuming this is some sort of scavenger hunt or game, but I was under the impression that this was some big scam that the characters didn't really know anything about what they're doing.
Pg9 - One concern. We're 9 pages in and nothing has really happened. You need to come in a lot earlier. Or you need to somehow start weaving a kind of sense of doom that is lingering in the desert. One of the characters needs to be overly worried about what's going on and everyone else doesn't take him seriously maybe.
Pg11 - You come in. Just try and get here earlier. Maybe page 8. This was the point in the script where I was actually grabbed and really wanted to keep reading. Everything else is just relatively normal.
I really like this scene. It's very well described and it is very grabbing.
Pg.13 - I don't know about everyone's reaction to Sam getting a mouthful of gore. I feel like people would be more concerned for his health considering something like this.
Pg.16 - Explain more of the action when Sam jumps on Peter. Does he hit him? Bite him? Try to bite him? What happens?
Pg22 - Who is he? The silhouette. Is that Sam? You need to at least give him a name even if it's UNKNOWN MAN. It's confusing.
I really like how you ended it with the blood trickling down his nose.
Like I said before. Shorten the hell out of this thing. Start killing babies. Give yourself a target length. Something like 15 or 16 pages. Come in earlier. Do all that and I think you've got yourself a really good script.
I like how you made this shorter- I feel that it is stronger now. But I would like to see if even shorter.
Sam's character is very strong to me. I agree with Chelsea I feel there needs to be something a little more with Peter and David.
I feel that for this you need very strong actors, especially for the last scene. Your actors can make or break it in this, so just be picky and make sure they get a feel for the characters and exactly what you want!
Overall, love it!!! I just think it needs to be more condensed!
Good job getting this into a (relatively) short script. Horror/Thrillers aren't generally my type of film, but I was engaged while reading through your script.
I feel like we could use a bit more development between David and Peter early on, flesh out their characters a bit more as they start out/early on in the hike. Set up their morals (don't know if that's the right word I'm looking for) that'll help make their decisions later on either that much more significant or interesting (if their decisions turn out to be something we wouldn't expect from the character).
I think from here you should mainly focus on getting it shorter. I feel like you can cut/condense quite a bit of this and still retain the story you want to tell and film you want to make.
Hey buddy, Just read your new draft. This feels like a fully trimmed and tight story now. I love it!
You set up a great story here... the setting, the characters, the incident. Its got a real, gritty style that makes this film feel dirty and chaotic! I got a real 28 DAYS LATER.../ 28 WEEKS LATER... vibe... which is awesome cause those are some intense films that pay homage to the great Zombie genre. Every good Zombie story is not so much about the outbreak/ infection/ zombies themselves, but rather how if affects the normal people, and what they do to each other to survive.
One issue I had was towards the end of the script, after Sam/ Brian fell off the ledge and Peter/ David have their heart-to-heart... it feels a bit dragged out too me. We get that these guys are brothers, we get they don't want to suffer, you get that they don't want to infect other people and just want to cut it off at the neck there and now... but it takes you 4 pages to show it (pg.29-34). I feel that it should be trimmed down a bit, which should make it much more effective in the emotional impact it has on the audience.
Do you know if you are going to shorten it anymore or is this about as trimmed as its going to get? Going from 70+ pages to the 35 pages now is great start... and I honestly didn't think it read to long or anything.
Love this story.
ReplyDeleteI really like Sam's character. I had some trouble sympathizing with Peter and Davids character. Peter I felt was kind of a jerk but then he sacrifices himself in the end, which was pretty bold.
It might still be a little long for a short film, but I think you did a great job with the whole script overall.
Is the title Passenger supposed to be a reference to David at the end in the guys truck?
Cool mix of The Ghost and the Darkness and Dawn of the Dead.
Some of the dialogue at the beginning seems unnatural like Sam saying "sweating like a whore in church already" That doesn't seem like something a office dork would say.
I think that you cut out a lot of what needed to be cut out to make this shorter, but I think you could go even further. The story is awesome but since it is supposed to be a short film I would try to get to the action faster. The first scene could probably be cut out completely. I really like what you did Sam's character as well. One thing that I think could be cut out of the dialogue is how peter and david talk about the investors being rich and businessmen. With the correct clothing and attitude I think you could show this visually.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nick. You could cut a lot out of this script and still keep the story you're going for. I think if you manage to cut this thing way down, you're final product/message/goal will be that much more intense.
ReplyDeletePg2 - "Legit? Who says that anymore". Seems like you could achieve that joke with more of a character play or body language instead of expressing it solely through the dialogue. I think you could get away with him just saying "legit?" and the joke would still sell.
Pg5 - On page 5, I don't know if these characters develop or not, but from first impressions, I don't see the point of having both Brian and Sam. You might be able to fuse them into one character.
Also. The scottsdale line, while it'll be funny to people in the area, I dunno, something about it sounds right. You can still get away with the joke by being vague. Just saying town.
Pg7 - Supply station? I guess I'm a little confused. Maybe I missed something but I'm not entirely getting what's going on. I'm assuming this is some sort of scavenger hunt or game, but I was under the impression that this was some big scam that the characters didn't really know anything about what they're doing.
Pg9 - One concern. We're 9 pages in and nothing has really happened. You need to come in a lot earlier. Or you need to somehow start weaving a kind of sense of doom that is lingering in the desert. One of the characters needs to be overly worried about what's going on and everyone else doesn't take him seriously maybe.
Pg11 - You come in. Just try and get here earlier. Maybe page 8. This was the point in the script where I was actually grabbed and really wanted to keep reading. Everything else is just relatively normal.
I really like this scene. It's very well described and it is very grabbing.
Pg.13 - I don't know about everyone's reaction to Sam getting a mouthful of gore. I feel like people would be more concerned for his health considering something like this.
Pg.16 - Explain more of the action when Sam jumps on Peter. Does he hit him? Bite him? Try to bite him? What happens?
Pg22 - Who is he? The silhouette. Is that Sam? You need to at least give him a name even if it's UNKNOWN MAN. It's confusing.
I really like how you ended it with the blood trickling down his nose.
Like I said before. Shorten the hell out of this thing. Start killing babies. Give yourself a target length. Something like 15 or 16 pages. Come in earlier. Do all that and I think you've got yourself a really good script.
I like how you made this shorter- I feel that it is stronger now. But I would like to see if even shorter.
ReplyDeleteSam's character is very strong to me. I agree with Chelsea I feel there needs to be something a little more with Peter and David.
I feel that for this you need very strong actors, especially for the last scene. Your actors can make or break it in this, so just be picky and make sure they get a feel for the characters and exactly what you want!
Overall, love it!!! I just think it needs to be more condensed!
Good job getting this into a (relatively) short script. Horror/Thrillers aren't generally my type of film, but I was engaged while reading through your script.
ReplyDeleteI feel like we could use a bit more development between David and Peter early on, flesh out their characters a bit more as they start out/early on in the hike. Set up their morals (don't know if that's the right word I'm looking for) that'll help make their decisions later on either that much more significant or interesting (if their decisions turn out to be something we wouldn't expect from the character).
I think from here you should mainly focus on getting it shorter. I feel like you can cut/condense quite a bit of this and still retain the story you want to tell and film you want to make.
Hey buddy,
ReplyDeleteJust read your new draft. This feels like a fully trimmed and tight story now. I love it!
You set up a great story here... the setting, the characters, the incident. Its got a real, gritty style that makes this film feel dirty and chaotic! I got a real 28 DAYS LATER.../ 28 WEEKS LATER... vibe... which is awesome cause those are some intense films that pay homage to the great Zombie genre. Every good Zombie story is not so much about the outbreak/ infection/ zombies themselves, but rather how if affects the normal people, and what they do to each other to survive.
One issue I had was towards the end of the script, after Sam/ Brian fell off the ledge and Peter/ David have their heart-to-heart... it feels a bit dragged out too me. We get that these guys are brothers, we get they don't want to suffer, you get that they don't want to infect other people and just want to cut it off at the neck there and now... but it takes you 4 pages to show it (pg.29-34). I feel that it should be trimmed down a bit, which should make it much more effective in the emotional impact it has on the audience.
Do you know if you are going to shorten it anymore or is this about as trimmed as its going to get? Going from 70+ pages to the 35 pages now is great start... and I honestly didn't think it read to long or anything.
Cant wait to see how this turns out!