I dont know if it was just me but I really didnt notice very many differences between this draft (#3 if I am not mistaken), and your last one. When you submit your "final updated" version later today/ this week, can you note the changes in bold or something so I know what to keep my eye out for! Its hard to memorize a 25 page script.
I was also hoping to get a peek at your Film Journal for this project, as I think it would really help define/ set the whole "vision" (story/ characters/ tone/ style) you are going for with this project. The script still reads very MYSTERY MEN/ "novelty" for me... and I think that your journal would help eliminate/ explain some of these issues.
Let me know when your "Final Updated" draft is up (the one you mention at the beginning of your PDF)
Basically ditto on what Ian said. Don't really think I can comment much until I see your updated draft.
I do really like that opening though. The fact that it's so normal for her to say she's gonna become a super villain. Good stuff. Really sets the tone.
The scene with the half mail man half dog is pretty funny. Though I can definitely see it coming off as way too cheesy on the screen. I like the dialogue going on in that scene. But I keep picturing the creature walking through the door and it just looks like something you see on the SciFi channel on saturday morning. (It's still SciFi in my book, not Syfy!)
This is such an interesting take on the genre I'm so excited to see it evolve! Good job!!
I second Sandra and Ian. I'd like to see the more updated version if you have it or your film journal. I am really interested to see how you are mapping all of this out. Did you say you had a TV Bible for this or something? Do you have any sketches or something?
I enjoyed the 25 pages though. I think you have a nice story developing and I can't wait to see your idea of where you're gonna take it.
i third everyone else. haha. id really love to see the film journal, i think once that is completed you could really get a sense for the tone of the film. are you still debating on what the tone should be?
sorry but i agree with ian about bolding any changes, it is difficult to remember what was already there and what is new. i also would like to see some sketches, this piece looks like its going to be great.
I really like this project. I get like a Sky High/The Incredibles vibe, which is good because I liked those movies :)
I know how busy you've been, but once you get your film journal together I'd love to see it.
All of the characters are really thought out and unique. Fashist is a particularly good character because she reminds me of the short little lady from the incredibles who makes the out fits. I loved all the scenes with her in them!
I thought the lottery was a nice touch, but I really liked that you went that way because in the scene when they are talking about Kim's persona and whatnot she says she's cursed. Ya know lottery..cursed. Nice touch!
The historian with a star wars shirt is awesome!
pg 20: richard's last line. I think there should be a "you" in there.
Because Richard and Dana do the "running around" I don't see them as execs, but more like agents who represent super villians. Richard doing whatever he can for Dr. Denizen is like Tom Cruise doing for Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry McGuire. Just my two scents.
Overall, I wish the changes were in bold, but I still like this piece. Like a lot, a lot :)
Pg1 - "Whats going on out here? Am I under arrest?" Didn't buy the line. Didn't sound real.
Pg2 - When she says I'm gonna be a super villain. I like the campiness. But. Maybe the announcer is all THERE YOU HAVE IT...and then you add a part where he does a double take cuz it's super villainy...that kinda stuff
So, I decided to just read it over and give you feedback for the story as a whole. It needs to tie together more. We have jinx and the doctor and the whole time i htink it's going to tie together somehow but it never does. I felt cheated. And. You story, well, it's not evident whose story this movie is. Treat it less like a tv pilot and more like a short film. Just think about one story you want to tell and tell it. I think you're limiting yourself by making it a pilot. The characters need more motivationa nd more growth. You almost did that with the girl, but i think you need to delve more into her personal life and what drove her to super villainy and maybe have her seek out evil inc but cant find it cuz its not listed and then they find her. I think you need to make this script more her story than anyone elses.
Pg1 - "Whats going on out here? Am I under arrest?" Didn't buy the line. Didn't sound real.
Pg2 - When she says I'm gonna be a super villain. I like the campiness. But. Maybe the announcer is all THERE YOU HAVE IT...and then you add a part where he does a double take cuz it's super villainy...that kinda stuff
So, I decided to just read it over and give you feedback for the story as a whole. It needs to tie together more. We have jinx and the doctor and the whole time i htink it's going to tie together somehow but it never does. I felt cheated. And. You story, well, it's not evident whose story this movie is. Treat it less like a tv pilot and more like a short film. Just think about one story you want to tell and tell it. I think you're limiting yourself by making it a pilot. The characters need more motivationa nd more growth. You almost did that with the girl, but i think you need to delve more into her personal life and what drove her to super villainy and maybe have her seek out evil inc but cant find it cuz its not listed and then they find her. I think you need to make this script more her story than anyone elses.
Was hoping to read the revised script, but you know my thoughts on this draft. I think it might help if you do get the TV bible up or some more information on the series long term. It'd help me anyways to be more specific with my suggestions since you might have bigger plans for characters that I'm not aware of.
I agree with some above HAH so basically we are all saying that we need to indicate what is different
I think the story is comin along. I do feel that it all needs to flow better. I also think you need to pick who your main focus(es) is(are) on just so we can see a more specific side.
Other than that, it is comin along nicely. I really like it. I keep thinking of the Incredibles, which i LOVE! lol Keep it comin!
Not to sound redundant but i would agree that its hard to remember exactly what the last script had and what the new one has unless its a huge change. Also i really would like to see a film journal. I think right now your just working on the script which means a lot of work for you in the summer in terms of figuring out all the details in what you want to get across and how your going to do that.
However, Saying that i have faith that you really like this project and will be able to get it completed. Well i think you've come a long way especially changing up the beginning it sets us up for the world we're about to enter better then the first script that you had submitted. I believe your story more even though there are still a few kinds for a whole i think you've come along way :) Can't wait to read more about some awesome super villains!
Hey David! So I like the idea you are going for but while I was reading it I got confused from time to time. Whether it was the verbiage or the way the talked, I agree with everyone else when I say I'd like to see the Film Journal. This will allow you to get your ideas across and you can open us up to the visuals that you are seeing in your mind.
Also when you put the new draft up make sure you bold or color the new changes to help people direct their attention to the new material.
I agree with Chris when he says you need to figure out whose story this is. I can see Jinx being one of the main characters, for some of the other characters like some of the villains I really didn't care about because they really didn't have that much to say.
Keep us updated on your new draft and film journal mayynnnne!
pg 3/4 - Dana saying "What the animal guy?" implies that she knows him and knows all about him, so her asking "why didn't he buy the blizzard machine?" and then the two guys explaining him to her doesn't really make sense - just have her completely out of the loop about him and richard complaining about him being "the animal guy"
end of pg 4 - ...or I guess not. I don't know, just choose - is she familiar with him or not? If so, then the exposition of Denizen needs to come out in a different way.
pg 5 - If he's so obsessed with being "Dr." then you should have it written on the mailbox in a way where "Dr." is waaaaaay bigger than "Denizen."
pg 7 - Might be funny if it's "the Y men" instead of X men or something.
pg 9 - Why does Gunker say "Language based?" like it's a bad thing...that's what pun villainy is right? So shouldn't he just say "Puns are classic!"
Alright man, here's what I think - you should combine this draft and the previous one. I really think you should keep the opening introduction you had in the last one, because now the show just kind of expects us to know all of the backstory and the setting and all, when obviously we don't - it's the pilot. I think the previous competition idea is good for trying to find a new executive for the company, and I think the introduction of Jinx in this script and her transformation into a super villain is good - so if you can combine those two I think it'll play out nicely.
Hey buddy,
ReplyDeleteI dont know if it was just me but I really didnt notice very many differences between this draft (#3 if I am not mistaken), and your last one. When you submit your "final updated" version later today/ this week, can you note the changes in bold or something so I know what to keep my eye out for! Its hard to memorize a 25 page script.
I was also hoping to get a peek at your Film Journal for this project, as I think it would really help define/ set the whole "vision" (story/ characters/ tone/ style) you are going for with this project. The script still reads very MYSTERY MEN/ "novelty" for me... and I think that your journal would help eliminate/ explain some of these issues.
Let me know when your "Final Updated" draft is up (the one you mention at the beginning of your PDF)
Thanks!
Basically ditto on what Ian said. Don't really think I can comment much until I see your updated draft.
ReplyDeleteI do really like that opening though. The fact that it's so normal for her to say she's gonna become a super villain. Good stuff. Really sets the tone.
The scene with the half mail man half dog is pretty funny. Though I can definitely see it coming off as way too cheesy on the screen. I like the dialogue going on in that scene. But I keep picturing the creature walking through the door and it just looks like something you see on the SciFi channel on saturday morning. (It's still SciFi in my book, not Syfy!)
This is such an interesting take on the genre I'm so excited to see it evolve! Good job!!
I second Sandra and Ian. I'd like to see the more updated version if you have it or your film journal. I am really interested to see how you are mapping all of this out. Did you say you had a TV Bible for this or something? Do you have any sketches or something?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the 25 pages though. I think you have a nice story developing and I can't wait to see your idea of where you're gonna take it.
i third everyone else. haha. id really love to see the film journal, i think once that is completed you could really get a sense for the tone of the film. are you still debating on what the tone should be?
ReplyDeletesorry but i agree with ian about bolding any changes, it is difficult to remember what was already there and what is new. i also would like to see some sketches, this piece looks like its going to be great.
Hey David!
ReplyDeleteI really like this project. I get like a Sky High/The Incredibles vibe, which is good because I liked those movies :)
I know how busy you've been, but once you get your film journal together I'd love to see it.
All of the characters are really thought out and unique. Fashist is a particularly good character because she reminds me of the short little lady from the incredibles who makes the out fits. I loved all the scenes with her in them!
I thought the lottery was a nice touch, but I really liked that you went that way because in the scene when they are talking about Kim's persona and whatnot she says she's cursed. Ya know lottery..cursed. Nice touch!
The historian with a star wars shirt is awesome!
pg 20: richard's last line. I think there should be a "you" in there.
Because Richard and Dana do the "running around" I don't see them as execs, but more like agents who represent super villians. Richard doing whatever he can for Dr. Denizen is like Tom Cruise doing for Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry McGuire. Just my two scents.
Overall, I wish the changes were in bold, but I still like this piece. Like a lot, a lot :)
Pg1 - "Whats going on out here? Am I under arrest?" Didn't buy the line. Didn't sound real.
ReplyDeletePg2 - When she says I'm gonna be a super villain. I like the campiness. But. Maybe the announcer is all THERE YOU HAVE IT...and then you add a part where he does a double take cuz it's super villainy...that kinda stuff
So, I decided to just read it over and give you feedback for the story as a whole. It needs to tie together more. We have jinx and the doctor and the whole time i htink it's going to tie together somehow but it never does. I felt cheated. And. You story, well, it's not evident whose story this movie is. Treat it less like a tv pilot and more like a short film. Just think about one story you want to tell and tell it. I think you're limiting yourself by making it a pilot. The characters need more motivationa nd more growth. You almost did that with the girl, but i think you need to delve more into her personal life and what drove her to super villainy and maybe have her seek out evil inc but cant find it cuz its not listed and then they find her. I think you need to make this script more her story than anyone elses.
Pg1 - "Whats going on out here? Am I under arrest?" Didn't buy the line. Didn't sound real.
ReplyDeletePg2 - When she says I'm gonna be a super villain. I like the campiness. But. Maybe the announcer is all THERE YOU HAVE IT...and then you add a part where he does a double take cuz it's super villainy...that kinda stuff
So, I decided to just read it over and give you feedback for the story as a whole. It needs to tie together more. We have jinx and the doctor and the whole time i htink it's going to tie together somehow but it never does. I felt cheated. And. You story, well, it's not evident whose story this movie is. Treat it less like a tv pilot and more like a short film. Just think about one story you want to tell and tell it. I think you're limiting yourself by making it a pilot. The characters need more motivationa nd more growth. You almost did that with the girl, but i think you need to delve more into her personal life and what drove her to super villainy and maybe have her seek out evil inc but cant find it cuz its not listed and then they find her. I think you need to make this script more her story than anyone elses.
Was hoping to read the revised script, but you know my thoughts on this draft. I think it might help if you do get the TV bible up or some more information on the series long term. It'd help me anyways to be more specific with my suggestions since you might have bigger plans for characters that I'm not aware of.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some above
ReplyDeleteHAH so basically we are all saying that we need to indicate what is different
I think the story is comin along. I do feel that it all needs to flow better. I also think you need to pick who your main focus(es) is(are) on just so we can see a more specific side.
Other than that, it is comin along nicely. I really like it. I keep thinking of the Incredibles, which i LOVE! lol Keep it comin!
Not to sound redundant but i would agree that its hard to remember exactly what the last script had and what the new one has unless its a huge change. Also i really would like to see a film journal. I think right now your just working on the script which means a lot of work for you in the summer in terms of figuring out all the details in what you want to get across and how your going to do that.
ReplyDeleteHowever, Saying that i have faith that you really like this project and will be able to get it completed. Well i think you've come a long way especially changing up the beginning it sets us up for the world we're about to enter better then the first script that you had submitted. I believe your story more even though there are still a few kinds for a whole i think you've come along way :) Can't wait to read more about some awesome super villains!
Hey David! So I like the idea you are going for but while I was reading it I got confused from time to time. Whether it was the verbiage or the way the talked, I agree with everyone else when I say I'd like to see the Film Journal. This will allow you to get your ideas across and you can open us up to the visuals that you are seeing in your mind.
ReplyDeleteAlso when you put the new draft up make sure you bold or color the new changes to help people direct their attention to the new material.
I agree with Chris when he says you need to figure out whose story this is. I can see Jinx being one of the main characters, for some of the other characters like some of the villains I really didn't care about because they really didn't have that much to say.
Keep us updated on your new draft and film journal mayynnnne!
pg 3/4 - Dana saying "What the animal guy?" implies that she knows him and knows all about him, so her asking "why didn't he buy the blizzard machine?" and then the two guys explaining him to her doesn't really make sense - just have her completely out of the loop about him and richard complaining about him being "the animal guy"
ReplyDeleteend of pg 4 - ...or I guess not. I don't know, just choose - is she familiar with him or not? If so, then the exposition of Denizen needs to come out in a different way.
pg 5 - If he's so obsessed with being "Dr." then you should have it written on the mailbox in a way where "Dr." is waaaaaay bigger than "Denizen."
pg 7 - Might be funny if it's "the Y men" instead of X men or something.
pg 9 - Why does Gunker say "Language based?" like it's a bad thing...that's what pun villainy is right? So shouldn't he just say "Puns are classic!"
Alright man, here's what I think - you should combine this draft and the previous one. I really think you should keep the opening introduction you had in the last one, because now the show just kind of expects us to know all of the backstory and the setting and all, when obviously we don't - it's the pilot. I think the previous competition idea is good for trying to find a new executive for the company, and I think the introduction of Jinx in this script and her transformation into a super villain is good - so if you can combine those two I think it'll play out nicely.