im glad you did the first act beat sheet, it really gives me a more focused perception of what the piece will look like. during scene four, do you plan on the old woman telling the entire story? or only what is included in the beat sheet?
i think it might be a good idea for someone to mention the "man in black" in the town unless the king is trying to hush it up. the only reason i suggest this is because someone made an attempt on the king's life and i think that would be a really huge deal unless it had happened before..
is loki your addition? i dont remember this being part of the original story but it is a good side story and shows aiden is really a good person
Andrea, if I didn't say this before, then I'll say it now. I love this story. It's unique, it's creative and it has really great content. I also like the fairy backstory. I like Edmund and Aiden, but the name Ivan kind of took me out of the story. But I do like all of the names starting with a vowel.
My only thing is why did the princes' mother die trying to save Aiden in battle? Normally, the royal family is protected by their own "security team" so this part kinda took distracted me. Perhaps she could have died by giving birth to Aiden that way She's still dead and Edmund abhors/ blames Aiden for taking away "his mommy."
page 5: steel should be steals
Journal looks great. I like all of your clip examples from movies like Beauty and the Beast, and Lion, Witch and Wardrobe.
Hey Andrea! Thanks for posting the original story! It's cool to compare the two. And it's a fun story. It helps me to see what kind of changes you've made and what new material you've added. You've got a good imagination. You should have no problem making this a full screenplay-length!
And ya, you have a great film journal going. You clearly have a solid picture in your mind of what you want the film to look like.
But btw, it's "sword" not "sward". Several other spelling/grammatical errors as well. I know it doesn't matter so much at this point, but once you get the the script it will help you.
I dunno about the part when the princes are leaving and all of the girls are giving him hugs and kisses. It kind of comes off as a bunch of girls with that Twilight guy or something. lol. I just picture women in the fairytale-mideivel times to be very proper and not be kissing and hugging him. More like they are near him, lusting over him, and he kissing their hand or something. Just my opinion.
Good job with your beat sheet! You're on your way!
By reading your journal I have a good idea where you want to take this. I like the story and I think you've put a good spin on it as far as making it into a screenplay. Dominique brings up a good point about the the mother dying in battle, but I can buy it. King Leonidas went to battle and died right?
This is much clearer this deliverable. I definitely understand what you are going for here. I like that you have a clear antagonist - Edmund and his bad fairy companion.
The part with the old lady who is a good fairy in the beginning makes much more sense and ties into the story.
Aiden showing up late and all disheveled is a good addition. So is the part where he is lured into the forest by the beautiful woman. Although I dont know that she needs to have a dog with her. Him giving in to his own vices could be enough, but I dont know that changing it is make or break for the story.
Overall, everything I have to say about what you have so far is positive. Keep it up!
i really think your journal is helping you a lot in this production! Really gives us.. and you a perfect idea how i will all go down! So great job with that!!!
I agree with sandra about the price part... I though that too when I was reading it. But then again, it is a fairy tale and things are cheesy. It almost kinda reminds me of Shrek with Charming, how the girls go crazy over him. SO basically what i am saying is initially i thought that the girls gushing over him was too much but it could work, depending on the final result.
Just a few ends need to be tied up for the most part it is awesome. Seems to flow a lot better! Keep goin!
hey andrea,
ReplyDeleteim glad you did the first act beat sheet, it really gives me a more focused perception of what the piece will look like. during scene four, do you plan on the old woman telling the entire story? or only what is included in the beat sheet?
i think it might be a good idea for someone to mention the "man in black" in the town unless the king is trying to hush it up. the only reason i suggest this is because someone made an attempt on the king's life and i think that would be a really huge deal unless it had happened before..
is loki your addition? i dont remember this being part of the original story but it is a good side story and shows aiden is really a good person
Andrea, if I didn't say this before, then I'll say it now. I love this story. It's unique, it's creative and it has really great content. I also like the fairy backstory. I like Edmund and Aiden, but the name Ivan kind of took me out of the story. But I do like all of the names starting with a vowel.
ReplyDeleteMy only thing is why did the princes' mother die trying to save Aiden in battle? Normally, the royal family is protected by their own "security team" so this part kinda took distracted me. Perhaps she could have died by giving birth to Aiden that way She's still dead and Edmund abhors/ blames Aiden for taking away "his mommy."
page 5: steel should be steals
Journal looks great. I like all of your clip examples from movies like Beauty and the Beast, and Lion, Witch and Wardrobe.
Great Job!
Hey Andrea! Thanks for posting the original story! It's cool to compare the two. And it's a fun story. It helps me to see what kind of changes you've made and what new material you've added. You've got a good imagination. You should have no problem making this a full screenplay-length!
ReplyDeleteAnd ya, you have a great film journal going. You clearly have a solid picture in your mind of what you want the film to look like.
But btw, it's "sword" not "sward". Several other spelling/grammatical errors as well. I know it doesn't matter so much at this point, but once you get the the script it will help you.
I dunno about the part when the princes are leaving and all of the girls are giving him hugs and kisses. It kind of comes off as a bunch of girls with that Twilight guy or something. lol. I just picture women in the fairytale-mideivel times to be very proper and not be kissing and hugging him. More like they are near him, lusting over him, and he kissing their hand or something. Just my opinion.
Good job with your beat sheet! You're on your way!
By reading your journal I have a good idea where you want to take this. I like the story and I think you've put a good spin on it as far as making it into a screenplay. Dominique brings up a good point about the the mother dying in battle, but I can buy it. King Leonidas went to battle and died right?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, keep on writing! Good work.
Andrea,
ReplyDeleteThis is much clearer this deliverable. I definitely understand what you are going for here. I like that you have a clear antagonist - Edmund and his bad fairy companion.
The part with the old lady who is a good fairy in the beginning makes much more sense and ties into the story.
Aiden showing up late and all disheveled is a good addition. So is the part where he is lured into the forest by the beautiful woman. Although I dont know that she needs to have a dog with her. Him giving in to his own vices could be enough, but I dont know that changing it is make or break for the story.
Overall, everything I have to say about what you have so far is positive. Keep it up!
i really think your journal is helping you a lot in this production! Really gives us.. and you a perfect idea how i will all go down! So great job with that!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with sandra about the price part... I though that too when I was reading it. But then again, it is a fairy tale and things are cheesy. It almost kinda reminds me of Shrek with Charming, how the girls go crazy over him. SO basically what i am saying is initially i thought that the girls gushing over him was too much but it could work, depending on the final result.
Just a few ends need to be tied up for the most part it is awesome. Seems to flow a lot better! Keep goin!