Just finished with your newest draft… thanks for marking the changes in red! I read the first draft of your script last delivery cycle, but never made any comments on the blog, so I am going to address my thoughts on both that draft and this one below.
I like the story you have here. It’s very creative and distinct. Its kind of a throwback to early black and white cartoons from the 60’s (with the offbeat narrator, the mute characters, etc.). I can tell that this story is something personal to you… and it has a lot of heart!
That being said… I must say that I got somewhat distracted when reading the script. Although I had a lot more issues with it when I was reading the first draft, I still found myself re-reading lines with this one as well. My major issues are with the narrator, and how he speaks to the audience. He tends to ramble on about this and that, and loses focus on the story at hand. I KNOW that this is intentional, in that it is trying to be quirky and clever, but it doesn’t work for me (the tee-hees especially!).
I was very confused with the first draft regarding what the Little Ghosts intentions originally were, but after we talked about it in class, going into this draft I felt like I knew more, which made it a lot easier to understand and made it more interesting (I don’t know if the pumpkin stickers were always there or if you just changed it in this draft)! I am talking about the whole was he trying to make her sneeze or NOT trying to make her sneeze (which is what I originally thought).
Also, the ending is somewhat abrupt as I don’t know exactly it was the Little Ghost made his teacher (a fake apple?). I am assuming this is supposed to be somewhat ambiguous, but it didn’t work for me… after we see him work so hard to please her, I wanted to see what it was that he thought would work.
Overall, I like this story. It is something refreshing and different. I know that in some of the ways it was told was distracting for me (something I am sure Chris will have a problem with ☺), but I know that making this a weird film is part of the point to it… so its not something I really know how you can change it.
I REALLY do look forward to see where this all goes!
Can't really comment on the draft as I'm writing it with you, but yeah.
As for the journal, I think the cinematography itself would make more sense and seem more fleshed out if we saw some storyboards or some sort of mock up of these sets and just the overall feel of the film's imagery itself.
Same goes for the production design. I'd like to start seeing some pictures of objects and props (or things like them) in your journal to get more of an idea. Probably a good idea to draw out a basic overview of what the world you want to shoot in should look like. Maybe not even shot specific but show us a big portrait of a place in this world which you think is very important and displays virtually every aspect of your script. For the production design and wardrobe. respectively.
Page 3- How about instead of him watching TV, he's listening to a radio show! The tone of this film is very 40's early 50's (like when my father was growing up). Especially with the cuckoo clock and dad smoking a pipe, I think a radio instead of a TV will help explain why Little Ghost is so imaginative.
Page 4- I like the new image of the mother's hand reaching for the package of sheets.
Page 7- I like the clarification here of him provoking her sneezes and wanted to say "bless you" but he just can't. Very cute.
Page 8- The turtles are cute. They are supposed to foreshadow young love, right?
Page 10- How are you going to add the x-ray bubbles effect?! I can't wait to see that.
I like this version, its very short and sweet. Almost like a cute little British cartoon they'd show in between shows on Saturday mornings.
It is sad that he doesn't win over Miss Mint, but I think the audience can recover because of his new Frankenstein girlfriend.
I can definitely see the story more visually this time around. It has that nice fantastical feel to it that becomes really easy to picture in my head. The simple addition of the x ray bubbles at the end helped make the ending seem stronger on the reader's end.
I still can't hear the narrator though. When he's telling the story of the boy, I can imagine what it'd sound like, but then when he trails off, I just can't imagine what it's going to sound like. I'm guessing it's sounding well enough in your own head to be in the script, but I just hope it turns out to be funny and charming and not a distraction.
In regards to the stickers, I'm having a hard time believing that Miss Mint wouldn't trash the red apple stickers or notice that what used to be apples are now pumpkins since I'm assuming she did buy the stickers herself. Maybe she does trash them and Little Ghost picks it out of there, putting the now pumpkins stickers in her desk.
Overall though, I'm still really enjoying the mood and style set forth throughout the script. It's a fun piece for sure that I can't wait come to life.
Pg 3. I really like that you don’t have the father actually working on clocks in the background I think this sounds a lot better having him reading a paper and smoking a pipe. I also like that you transform what was happening on tv and make it into his dream this really will be an interesting cut. How do you plan on filming/editing this? I’m interested to see this part. Pg 4. Haha love the rambling about flossing, very funny and effective Pg 5. I Think that when the narrator says “Miss Mint is presented with her daily toil’s prize….” Not sure if I like that wording. I understand what you’re going for, but maybe different wording Pg 6. I’m glad you explained the stickers part it makes a lot more sense now. Pg 10. I like how he meets the little girl but how are you going to do the x ray bubbles? Not sure if I like that idea. Maybe explain it a little bit more.
I find that you definitely cleared up a lot of problems and I’m starting to really root for Little Ghost. Definitely feel that you’re building up his character. Good work ☺
I really think this piece will be very cute and visually stimulating! You can really have a lot of fun with this one
some notes: pg 2- I really like the changes that you made for the camera/narrator following Little Ghost. I can totally visualize this part, very cute. You get the feel for both the narrator and Little ghost right away.
pg 3- I'm very excited/curious of how this will look for the dream above his head! Should be siiiiiiiiick
pg 4- with the really long narration part, I feel that the audience might get bored with how long that is combined with minimal actions. I feel that there needs to be more going on for such a long monologue cause the audience will just be looking at him sleeping for quite some time. Maybe watching him get ready for bed, then have him go to sleep? Also, I dont like the "teehee" line. I feel it will sound forced/fake.
pg 6- stickers are def cleared up- I think it works well!!!
Overall, I love it. You are just going to need a shit-ton of kids for those playground scenes (good luck- have VERY PATIENT crew lol)
I'm not sure if it's me getting more used to the story since it is now the second deliverable/draft, but part of me felt like I wished there had been more (bigger?) changes since the 1st draft. That's not to say I don't like this script since I already liked it the first time around, but this time for some reason I found myself getting a little bored. The only thing I can place this feeling upon is possibly making it move quicker early on - it's a 10 page script but the conflict isn't presented until the end of page 4/top of 5, nearly half way through.
Granted, I think once we start to see visuals in terms of your production design and cinematography me getting bored could be next to impossible since I know there's a lot of fun and creativity to be had with this script, especially in the exposition. So again, maybe it's just me getting used to the script and once I see more than just the script that'll change.
A lot of people seem to be discussing the Narrator. I think, and you probably know this, it's all just going to rely on the voice actor you cast and whether or not they can pull off such a quirky style. Maybe this can be talked about on Wednesday, but I'm curious, do you have a voice in your head for this Narrator already? Accent? I'm assuming male?
The whole apple/pumpkin sticker issue is cleared up nicely in this draft, although personally I still don't care for it too much. For me, it just a little too odd of a sequence even within the context of this fun/fantastical script. I feel like there's something better out there than him coloring her apple stickers that could take the place of this part of the script.
Again though, still excited all around for this and between you and Chris I know you'll end up with something great for shooting regardless.
Thank you for making the changes in color! pg 1 I like the change to "germs". In case I didn't mention it last delivery cycle, I really like the way the narrator introduces Little Ghost.
pg2 i like how the camera loses it train of thought like the narrator. brilliant! I love the "she makes pies" line, and the "he makes clocks" line.
pg 5: I like the addition of miss mint placing the apples on the far end of her desk. Helps explain what happens later.
pg11 I like how you explained how the audience would see their smiles.
Before, some people thought Miss Mint's reaction to Little Ghost's apple that he made was too harsh, but I think that's needed and I'm glad you didn't change it because it just makes the moment when he meets the Frankenstein girl that much better.
I really enjoyed this second draft, things were much clearer this time around. I wrote out some notes while I was reading your script that might give you some things to think about. Some things that don't need to be changed just needed some extra clarification on.
What is little ghost doing in the haunted house in the beginning? is he part of the attraction? if so, why does he walk off?
I love the part the added with the parents, it really tells us something about little ghost, and i loved the added clarification on the part about the bed sheets, and why his bed sheets are filled with puppies.
I do have to admit the narrators rants can be a little much at times. I also had to reread the part when he says a lady never tells her age? haha. It made me laugh but it made me confused at the same time. But perhaps that is what you are going after.
Here is a suggestion for the ending, (since i dunno if this is just me) but what is an x-ray bubble? Maybe the girl can lift up her mask, then maybe Little Ghost can take off his sheet. Just a thought. Again, may not be what you are after.
Is there any way you plan on showing how little ghost loves when Miss Mint sneezes besides just the narrator saying so? that would be really hard to show that just through the emotion of the eyes.
I think this is going to be seriously awesome when it's finished. There are a ton of cool things you will be able to do with this!
There was one thing I wasn't sure about. Why does he want to make Miss Mint sneeze in the beginning by changing the scratch and sniff stickers, then try and find a way to make her not sneeze in the end with the paper apple?
Also, I think the part with the scratch and sniff stickers was a bit clearer, but it could be because we discussed it in class. However, I think it will be easier to understand when actually watching it instead of reading it.
Erica, I really enjoy the overall tone and feel of this piece. It's so fun, and feels like a bit of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," mixed with "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," a bit of "E.T." and "A Christmas Story" all mashed into a wonderfully new and original piece. It's something I haven't seen in a long time and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product.
But anyway, I agree with Ian and a few others that the Narrator's ramblings don't really work for me. I was more interested in Little Ghost and when he took me away from the story at hand I was disappointed. The "A lady never tells" line in particular was confusing to read, but depending on the voice actor that could be funny. (As well as the Tee Hee's I guess)
The other thing I wanted to bring up is that, currently Little Ghost has two things that he clearly wants/likes: Seeing Miss Mint sneeze, and winning her affections. Now, what you've got there is a case of somewhat conflicting interests. I really like the whole concept of every student except for Little Ghost giving Miss Mint an apple because LG doesn't want to see her suffer. But then he goes to the trouble of changing the stickers to pumpkins, and correct me if I'm wrong, in order to trick her into sneezing since he likes seeing her sneeze so much? It just felt a little confusing. Maybe LG is really conflicted about his desire to see her sneeze? Or perhaps, since this is a short script consolidate the two and make it really clear that he wants one or the other? It's a really fun concept and I like where your head's at! I just don't know what I'm supposed to be rooting for LG to do.
One last thing that could potentially help everything, is since it is a 10 page script and we don't know what LG wants till the end of page 4, I feel like you might want to try and get to it faster if possible, allowing more time to develop LG and his trials and tribulations.
I have a couple of questions..Is the narrator British? if he is do you have someone lined up with a British accent to do the part? he just seems really British in the beginning because he says stuff like "bloody door"..
on page 6 when the narrator starts talking about vegetables i don't understand what he is talking about or were that came from..
also if he likes to see her sneeze then why wouldn't he give her apples and why would he give her a fake one? did he disguise the apple stickers so that she would smell them on accident? it was hard to follow but since the characters do not have lines seeing a story board or the actual short may help me see their actions and understand better...
like the length, short and sweet, i like chelsea's idea of him listening to the radio instead of watching tv because it does seem more time appropriate...
Hey Erica,
ReplyDeleteJust finished with your newest draft… thanks for marking the changes in red! I read the first draft of your script last delivery cycle, but never made any comments on the blog, so I am going to address my thoughts on both that draft and this one below.
I like the story you have here. It’s very creative and distinct. Its kind of a throwback to early black and white cartoons from the 60’s (with the offbeat narrator, the mute characters, etc.). I can tell that this story is something personal to you… and it has a lot of heart!
That being said… I must say that I got somewhat distracted when reading the script. Although I had a lot more issues with it when I was reading the first draft, I still found myself re-reading lines with this one as well. My major issues are with the narrator, and how he speaks to the audience. He tends to ramble on about this and that, and loses focus on the story at hand. I KNOW that this is intentional, in that it is trying to be quirky and clever, but it doesn’t work for me (the tee-hees especially!).
I was very confused with the first draft regarding what the Little Ghosts intentions originally were, but after we talked about it in class, going into this draft I felt like I knew more, which made it a lot easier to understand and made it more interesting (I don’t know if the pumpkin stickers were always there or if you just changed it in this draft)! I am talking about the whole was he trying to make her sneeze or NOT trying to make her sneeze (which is what I originally thought).
Also, the ending is somewhat abrupt as I don’t know exactly it was the Little Ghost made his teacher (a fake apple?). I am assuming this is supposed to be somewhat ambiguous, but it didn’t work for me… after we see him work so hard to please her, I wanted to see what it was that he thought would work.
Overall, I like this story. It is something refreshing and different. I know that in some of the ways it was told was distracting for me (something I am sure Chris will have a problem with ☺), but I know that making this a weird film is part of the point to it… so its not something I really know how you can change it.
I REALLY do look forward to see where this all goes!
Can't really comment on the draft as I'm writing it with you, but yeah.
ReplyDeleteAs for the journal, I think the cinematography itself would make more sense and seem more fleshed out if we saw some storyboards or some sort of mock up of these sets and just the overall feel of the film's imagery itself.
Same goes for the production design. I'd like to start seeing some pictures of objects and props (or things like them) in your journal to get more of an idea. Probably a good idea to draw out a basic overview of what the world you want to shoot in should look like. Maybe not even shot specific but show us a big portrait of a place in this world which you think is very important and displays virtually every aspect of your script. For the production design and wardrobe. respectively.
Page 3- How about instead of him watching TV, he's listening to a radio show! The tone of this film is very 40's early 50's (like when my father was growing up). Especially with the cuckoo clock and dad smoking a pipe, I think a radio instead of a TV will help explain why Little Ghost is so imaginative.
ReplyDeletePage 4- I like the new image of the mother's hand reaching for the package of sheets.
Page 7- I like the clarification here of him provoking her sneezes and wanted to say "bless you" but he just can't. Very cute.
Page 8- The turtles are cute. They are supposed to foreshadow young love, right?
Page 10- How are you going to add the x-ray bubbles effect?! I can't wait to see that.
I like this version, its very short and sweet. Almost like a cute little British cartoon they'd show in between shows on Saturday mornings.
It is sad that he doesn't win over Miss Mint, but I think the audience can recover because of his new Frankenstein girlfriend.
I can definitely see the story more visually this time around. It has that nice fantastical feel to it that becomes really easy to picture in my head. The simple addition of the x ray bubbles at the end helped make the ending seem stronger on the reader's end.
ReplyDeleteI still can't hear the narrator though. When he's telling the story of the boy, I can imagine what it'd sound like, but then when he trails off, I just can't imagine what it's going to sound like. I'm guessing it's sounding well enough in your own head to be in the script, but I just hope it turns out to be funny and charming and not a distraction.
In regards to the stickers, I'm having a hard time believing that Miss Mint wouldn't trash the red apple stickers or notice that what used to be apples are now pumpkins since I'm assuming she did buy the stickers herself. Maybe she does trash them and Little Ghost picks it out of there, putting the now pumpkins stickers in her desk.
Overall though, I'm still really enjoying the mood and style set forth throughout the script. It's a fun piece for sure that I can't wait come to life.
Pg 3. I really like that you don’t have the father actually working on clocks in the background I think this sounds a lot better having him reading a paper and smoking a pipe. I also like that you transform what was happening on tv and make it into his dream this really will be an interesting cut. How do you plan on filming/editing this? I’m interested to see this part.
ReplyDeletePg 4. Haha love the rambling about flossing, very funny and effective
Pg 5. I Think that when the narrator says “Miss Mint is presented with her daily toil’s prize….” Not sure if I like that wording. I understand what you’re going for, but maybe different wording
Pg 6. I’m glad you explained the stickers part it makes a lot more sense now.
Pg 10. I like how he meets the little girl but how are you going to do the x ray bubbles? Not sure if I like that idea. Maybe explain it a little bit more.
I find that you definitely cleared up a lot of problems and I’m starting to really root for Little Ghost. Definitely feel that you’re building up his character. Good work ☺
I really think this piece will be very cute and visually stimulating! You can really have a lot of fun with this one
ReplyDeletesome notes:
pg 2- I really like the changes that you made for the camera/narrator following Little Ghost. I can totally visualize this part, very cute. You get the feel for both the narrator and Little ghost right away.
pg 3- I'm very excited/curious of how this will look for the dream above his head! Should be siiiiiiiiick
pg 4- with the really long narration part, I feel that the audience might get bored with how long that is combined with minimal actions. I feel that there needs to be more going on for such a long monologue cause the audience will just be looking at him sleeping for quite some time. Maybe watching him get ready for bed, then have him go to sleep? Also, I dont like the "teehee" line. I feel it will sound forced/fake.
pg 6- stickers are def cleared up- I think it works well!!!
Overall, I love it. You are just going to need a shit-ton of kids for those playground scenes (good luck- have VERY PATIENT crew lol)
I'm not sure if it's me getting more used to the story since it is now the second deliverable/draft, but part of me felt like I wished there had been more (bigger?) changes since the 1st draft. That's not to say I don't like this script since I already liked it the first time around, but this time for some reason I found myself getting a little bored. The only thing I can place this feeling upon is possibly making it move quicker early on - it's a 10 page script but the conflict isn't presented until the end of page 4/top of 5, nearly half way through.
ReplyDeleteGranted, I think once we start to see visuals in terms of your production design and cinematography me getting bored could be next to impossible since I know there's a lot of fun and creativity to be had with this script, especially in the exposition. So again, maybe it's just me getting used to the script and once I see more than just the script that'll change.
A lot of people seem to be discussing the Narrator. I think, and you probably know this, it's all just going to rely on the voice actor you cast and whether or not they can pull off such a quirky style. Maybe this can be talked about on Wednesday, but I'm curious, do you have a voice in your head for this Narrator already? Accent? I'm assuming male?
The whole apple/pumpkin sticker issue is cleared up nicely in this draft, although personally I still don't care for it too much. For me, it just a little too odd of a sequence even within the context of this fun/fantastical script. I feel like there's something better out there than him coloring her apple stickers that could take the place of this part of the script.
Again though, still excited all around for this and between you and Chris I know you'll end up with something great for shooting regardless.
Thank you for making the changes in color!
ReplyDeletepg 1 I like the change to "germs". In case I didn't mention it last delivery cycle, I really like the way the narrator introduces Little Ghost.
pg2 i like how the camera loses it train of thought like the narrator. brilliant!
I love the "she makes pies" line, and the "he makes clocks" line.
pg 5: I like the addition of miss mint placing the apples on the far end of her desk. Helps explain what happens later.
pg11 I like how you explained how the audience would see their smiles.
Before, some people thought Miss Mint's reaction to Little Ghost's apple that he made was too harsh, but I think that's needed and I'm glad you didn't change it because it just makes the moment when he meets the Frankenstein girl that much better.
Overall this is a very good script.
erica,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this second draft, things were much clearer this time around. I wrote out some notes while I was reading your script that might give you some things to think about. Some things that don't need to be changed just needed some extra clarification on.
What is little ghost doing in the haunted house in the beginning? is he part of the attraction? if so, why does he walk off?
I love the part the added with the parents, it really tells us something about little ghost, and i loved the added clarification on the part about the bed sheets, and why his bed sheets are filled with puppies.
I do have to admit the narrators rants can be a little much at times. I also had to reread the part when he says a lady never tells her age? haha. It made me laugh but it made me confused at the same time. But perhaps that is what you are going after.
Here is a suggestion for the ending, (since i dunno if this is just me) but what is an x-ray bubble? Maybe the girl can lift up her mask, then maybe Little Ghost can take off his sheet. Just a thought. Again, may not be what you are after.
Is there any way you plan on showing how little ghost loves when Miss Mint sneezes besides just the narrator saying so? that would be really hard to show that just through the emotion of the eyes.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteI think this is going to be seriously awesome when it's finished. There are a ton of cool things you will be able to do with this!
There was one thing I wasn't sure about. Why does he want to make Miss Mint sneeze in the beginning by changing the scratch and sniff stickers, then try and find a way to make her not sneeze in the end with the paper apple?
Also, I think the part with the scratch and sniff stickers was a bit clearer, but it could be because we discussed it in class. However, I think it will be easier to understand when actually watching it instead of reading it.
Great work!
Erica, I really enjoy the overall tone and feel of this piece. It's so fun, and feels like a bit of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," mixed with "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," a bit of "E.T." and "A Christmas Story" all mashed into a wonderfully new and original piece. It's something I haven't seen in a long time and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, I agree with Ian and a few others that the Narrator's ramblings don't really work for me. I was more interested in Little Ghost and when he took me away from the story at hand I was disappointed. The "A lady never tells" line in particular was confusing to read, but depending on the voice actor that could be funny. (As well as the Tee Hee's I guess)
The other thing I wanted to bring up is that, currently Little Ghost has two things that he clearly wants/likes: Seeing Miss Mint sneeze, and winning her affections. Now, what you've got there is a case of somewhat conflicting interests. I really like the whole concept of every student except for Little Ghost giving Miss Mint an apple because LG doesn't want to see her suffer. But then he goes to the trouble of changing the stickers to pumpkins, and correct me if I'm wrong, in order to trick her into sneezing since he likes seeing her sneeze so much? It just felt a little confusing. Maybe LG is really conflicted about his desire to see her sneeze? Or perhaps, since this is a short script consolidate the two and make it really clear that he wants one or the other? It's a really fun concept and I like where your head's at! I just don't know what I'm supposed to be rooting for LG to do.
One last thing that could potentially help everything, is since it is a 10 page script and we don't know what LG wants till the end of page 4, I feel like you might want to try and get to it faster if possible, allowing more time to develop LG and his trials and tribulations.
I hope you find something helpful in all that!
Good work thus far!
-David
first of all cute story....
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of questions..Is the narrator British? if he is do you have someone lined up with a British accent to do the part? he just seems really British in the beginning because he says stuff like "bloody door"..
on page 6 when the narrator starts talking about vegetables i don't understand what he is talking about or were that came from..
also if he likes to see her sneeze then why wouldn't he give her apples and why would he give her a fake one? did he disguise the apple stickers so that she would smell them on accident? it was hard to follow but since the characters do not have lines seeing a story board or the actual short may help me see their actions and understand better...
like the length, short and sweet, i like chelsea's idea of him listening to the radio instead of watching tv because it does seem more time appropriate...