I've read the first portion of your script and i know this is going to be quite an undertaking, but should be tons of fun! I read in your journal that you might film the first part in England? That would be so incredible. I am interested to know what types of shots you are planning in England, because I figure if you go there to shoot, you should make it count! i noticed that the shots taking place in england are all inside. Have you considered possibly shooting outdoors for one of the scenes? It would be awesome to see some of that green! (since its all dirt here in az)
I think you've got a really good story going! It will be a bit challenging with all the different locations you need but I am already excited to see the finished product.
One thing I'm having a little trouble with though is that I'm not fully believing some of the character relationships. When Suzanne finds out that Marti is sick I don't know if it comes across that she cares about him so much to fly all the way to Arizona to see him. Also, I like the beginning of the relationship between Dan and Eliza, but they go from strangers to romantic interests so quickly it's a little hard to get used to. I do really like the relationship between Dan and Suzanne though. And I like the very end about the picture frame.
Also there are several spelling/grammatical errors. (Such as quite instead of quiet, lot's of 'your's that should be 'you're's, etc) But those are an easy fix.
All in all I think it's going to be a very good film!
I think you've got a really intriguing story here that has the potential to be a really solid short.
My biggest concern when taking the first read through was the length - 30 pages is a long short, and with the time passage and relationships you have to build between your 3 main characters you obviously have quite a bit to fit in there. In a way, this story feels like it'd be better told in a feature length script, not that I'm saying you should do that. Instead, I would look to compress or cut certain areas that are less important, allowing you to really delve into the sequences that need to be really strong - basically the entire second act. Because it had to move fast, I felt like there wasn't enough character development between Dan and Eliza/Dan and Marti. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what their relationships are and understand it all (why I feel like this has the potential to be really good), but because things happened so quickly it didn't feel totally real to me.
Again, in terms of story I really enjoy it, I just want to be able to connect with your characters more. Looking forward to more, man.
This is a really good story. I liked the conflict between Eliza and her mom. It gave Eliza a good background to come from. Also, the second scene with the two fat ladies is hilarious. I loved the fact that she ended up in the pool. There is good dialogue between Dan and Eliza the second time they talk.
It's obvious that there is a connection made before Dan goes back to London, but I'm not convinced that they've fallen for each other. That was my problem with Twilight. The two characters meet then they confess their love for each other. That's not love, that's lust.
There were some spelling error on pages: 11 (practicing), 13 (you're), and 18 (they'll). Also, I am a little confused on the timing. When Dan leaves for Vegas then comes back during the night. He's leaving from Phoenix, Arizona? Because it takes 6 hours one way to get to Vegas. Or maybe he leaves at 9am get there at 3pm blows it all on one toss then gets back to the house at 9pm?
I agree with Nick that this is a long short. Some ways of cutting it down, I think, are to shorten the Pub scene with Mike and the scene in the strip club. Maybe even cut them altogether. Or have Dan talk about leaving with his boss and not Mike. And have Marti get sick at his own home.
These are just suggestions. You're a really talented writer and I can't wait to see what changes you make to the script.
Seems like you'll have quite the work ahead of you. I really like the story and the development in Dan's character and life.
I agree with Nick in that this really seems better told as a feature length script, not that I don’t think it’s good as a short as well. I know you probably wouldn’t want to, but I’d say cut loose a relationship or two so you can spend that time developing the others, just to avoid making this any longer than it needs to be. The main relationships seem to be between Dan and Eliza and Marti. You could probably lose Mike all together. The scene with his mother gives us enough information about his motivations and Mike doesn’t offer much to move the story forward anyways.
That scene with his boss can be tightened up too. Maybe have his manager start off yelling at Dan then ask him if he still wants to work here, with Dan saying he quits and end the scene there. In the argument with his mom, he could throw in why he chose to quit his job. Stripper scene could be tightened up as well. Maybe lose the dialogue with the stripper and just have him share eye contact with her as she comes over. Maybe Marti doesn’t even make it to the bathroom before feeling the pain.
If you were to make it longer, or can find ways to fit it in, definitely would like to see more between Dan’s two relationships. Maybe just before Dan leaves for the casino, he could say goodbye to Eliza and she kisses him for good luck. With Marti, I don’t feel enough conflict between the two to warrant Dan getting angry and leaving. Maybe add a couple of times where Marti tells Dan that he’s not ready sprinkled throughout his training.
Overall though, looking forward to seeing how this develops!
Would you consider writing a feature length script instead of a short film? I think you have a good story here with a lot of elements and characters that are required to make the story come around and it might be hard to get these 30 pages into a short film.
I think you are starting to paint these scenes and characters as if this was a feature film. You could build a lot more between Eliza and Marti's relationship with Dan if you had more time. Otherwise, maybe you could just focus on his relationship with Eliza and the second half of the script about craps or you could just work with the first half with London and his relationship with Marti.
The writing is definitely there and I think you could make a great personal piece here.
You need to condense the hell out of this script. It's got a lot of good meat to it, but the long and the short of it is there's just too much here. You need to figure out what really matters and what ties in the best with your central theme.
The character needs to have more of a struggle throughout the script. Everything just seems to come to him. It all just flows. There aren't really any jolts in his journey. For example in the beginning he just quits his job. No real reasoning behind it other than the hate of repetition, but we never really see that beforehand, it's just assumed. Then he just decides to go to Las Vegas. You need to maybe have him have that Vegas realization with his friend as they discuss his dissatisfaction with his life...maybe something comes on tv or the friend says something to spur this reaction. And then with his parents there needs to be more, well, more push. Basically, he just announces he's leaving and his Mother just accepts it. She can accept it in the end, but you need to have something leading up to that, more convincing needs to be made. It just seemed too easy.
You need to mix things up a little more. Everything (I said this before, sorry I'm repeating myself) just comes out and happens. There needs to be more. Maybe you introduce Marti earlier on into the script instead of having his Mom send him over to Marti's. Instead you make him a part of his life in a way, maybe trying to get back into his life and maybe he's pulling strings and is the real reason and happening behind this Vegas trip culminating. That way you have this nice lead up to the end where you realize he's sick and this crazy scheme of his was to get closer to his stepson and do something right with his life. Just play around with that and try and keep less on the surface and keep it in the subtext and foreshadowing and all that neat ole movie biz.
Main point. I think you can get away with this with a much shorter script. This could be really good. You just need to play with the narrative structure.
Dom, I know this story is something personal to you, so please don't take anything I say as a reflection on what happened, simply a reflection on the story itself as just a story.
Dan gets into relationship with Marti way too soon - I expect him not to have a good relationship with Marti because 1. Marti and Dan's mom aren't together anymore, generally if your parent splits with your step parent, you're not going to see that step parent again, and 2. he didn't think to see him on his own and said nothing when his mom told him to do so. If the two characters actually do have a good relationship, that needs to be made clear before Dan goes to visit Marti. Also, it's a little weird to me that Dan just drops Marti off at home after he gets sick at the strip club - Dan sees how sick he is but then just leaves him to fend for himself.
I think the relationship with Eliza needs to develop a little more. There isn't much there right now and they just seem to get together solely for the sake of being the romantic plot of the movie - it doesn't seem like there's any real thing drawing them together or purpose for them to be together other than to have another plot point.
There's also some little things, like it would be nice to see an explanation of the 'healthy' letters at some point, and what up? Dan can't cook eggs but he can cook steak? Don't buy it.
But overall, I think this is going to turn out to be very effective and I'm excited to see what you do with it.
Hey Dominic. I really like the concept of your script and I think if you do film in England, Courtney has a great point. It would be a nice contrast between the lush greenery there and the AZ desert, and would really drive home the fact that Dan is out of his element. I also agree with everyone that the relationships need more and your script can be tightened. Ritchie had a good idea of eliminating Mike, unless you expand the story info a full-length script. Also, this is minimal, but cutting out Dan in the airport will help. You can go straight from the goodbye to him on the plane. To help with Dan and Eliza, maybe you could add Eliza somewhere into his training montage to show they have been bonding.
There are just a few other things that no one has mentioned yet: 1) I'm not a prude, but you may want to cut out a couple of the f-bombs your characters drop in the first act. After so many in a row, it starts to lose its impact. 2) What is the Flutes? Is it a concert or symphony or something else akin? I don't mean to suggest that you Americanize your story by any means, but is there something else you can use that is more universally recognized, yet still innately British? I know it's not a central point in the story, but it bugged me that I didn't know what it is and I had to google it in the middle of reading your script. It pulled me out of the story (literally and figuratively) for a few minutes. 3) when Dan comes home, I didn't really relate to his mom's reaction to him screwing up. I may have missed the tone you were going for, but when I think of a mother comforting her son, I think of something like the following (minus the majorly dysfunctional family aspect), especially when she hugs him and shushes him: http://www.hulu.com/watch/1020/arrested-development-whats-the-rush#s-p9-n1-sr-i1
Hey Buddy, Sorry for the delay but I was busy moving all weekend long and didn’t have access to the internet until tonight!
I just finished the script... it has come a LONG way since when you first told me about the project (the relationship/ characters)... but I can still see your inspiration there between the lines.
It is a great story. Something that we all (FMP students mainly) can relate to in some way or another... the future is scary. We all have an idea of where we want to get to but don’t know how to get there, and when we do, it’s never how we imagined it. I can tell that this is a VERY important and personal story to you... and I think it really shows in the characters. I believe Dan. I feel like this is a friend or brother of mine. His actions are justified and he has a clear goal in mind. I also believe his mother, Suzanne. She is a kind, loving woman and someone who really supports her son in letting him making his own life decisions and then living with consequences.
That being said, I still don't know how I feel about Marti. I know whom you were trying to create here, but I don't know if it came across accurately. I think that you should do a little more work on him, and flesh him out more. I felt that he was kind of a "bad" person and someone I didn't really care about. His last minute speech felt a little forced. I want to like this character and pity him but I kind of felt like "so what" as to him and his regrets. I don’t know how you can fix that.
I also wanted to see more of Eliza. She was a sweet young girl who is just mixed up in life. I cared about her enough because of the situation she was in (abusive mother), but I felt like I should of known more about her. What her passions are? What she wants to do with her life? Maybe some kind of dialogue between her and Dan or even better, something that she is wearing or doing when he sees her outside.
In terms of length... I think it’s a great start. I know some people are going to complain about it being 30+ pages long, but you do what YOU feel is right. The script definitely needs to be tightened up, but its not because its too long. Its because it feels a little bloated... I think you could cut down on some of the daily activities and focus more on the characters.
Overall, this is a great start. I am really excited to see where this project goes... and more importantly, to help you work on this thing (shooting in bloody England man!!!) and help shape it into a great film.
Like the idea of Dan’s Character he is someone most people can relate to. I like how Dan is sort of unaware of his surroundings it makes him seem aloof to it all. I’m not sure if on page 3 when Dan says “This is so depressing. I mean…your life is really depressing.” works. Maybe instead of the “I mean” part say “God” instead makes it a little bit more intense. On page 4 it says, “he is still holding the poker book.” Wouldn’t he be holding the craps book? Also when Dan say’s “It’s doing my head” I’m not quite sure what that means. Maybe that’s a British phrase but to me it doesn’t really make sense. On page 8 in the Interior Dan’s Bedroom scene I’m not sure if I like that his mom comes in and tells him to see his step dad. Or maybe it’s just the way she says it. I’m getting a feeling that maybe that’s why his step dad left her so maybe his mom could say “Do me one favor. Go see your stepfather before you go to Vegas; he’s done everything you’re about to do. Maybe he can knock some sense into you.” or something along the lines. Now the ending on page 13 I’m not sure if that’s really the ending or you haven’t finished it yet but it seems a bit unfinished. I mean it could end there but I feel that I would be wondering what happens. Maybe there could be a scene where Marti describes to Dan about why he left and where that got him. Something to tie everything together I guess. Overall though good story interesting character in Dan I like his attitude and that you stick with it throughout the script.
This was a really easy read for me. I found myself wondering what was going to happen next. The characters were my favorite part. They are all on their own in one way or another, yet they tie together really well. (If that make sense.) Their dialogue seemed pretty natural, especially between Dan and Eliza. I think their relationship moved along at a good pace until Marti's speech where he says something about Dan loving Eliza. Maybe if you just eliminate the actual word love, their interaction will speak for itself and the development of their relationship will seem more natural.
Also, I don't think you should eliminate Mike's character. It is important to see Dan try and communicate his lack of interest in the life he leads with someone his own age. It makes the fact that Eliza gets it important to his attraction to her.
I agree with Lauren that you may want to drop some of the f-bombs from the fat ladies. They were funny enough without it.
The biggest problem I found was that I thought Eliza was much younger than Dan from the way she was described. Overall, I really liked the story and really enjoyed the characters.
D1 √ 1ST DRAFT 1; funny opening scene 2; scene with mngr is good too; very clear picture of Dan: not a rebel per se, but someone who has become aware of his own malaise and is ready to do something about it but we do need to know a bit more about what breaks his malaise; is it the book on craps? if so, you need to put more emphasis there 5; not very exciting way to reveal that he wants to go to Vegas; feels very expositional 10; so far (up to Marti's house), it's all been exposition; nothing is HAPPENING in the scenes; he's just going from point a to point b. the scene don't have conflict; there is no real event in any of them that is powerful dramatic 10; "MARTI You too come in." typo 12; "Thery both freeze." typo 14; i'm having trouble grasping the tone/style of the piece; it's hard to believe that you can "practice" playing craps; does that make this a broad comedy? i'm unclear. 14; "Dan tries to constrain himself from snapping at Marti." why exactly? because he wants Dan to cook for him? not clear. 15; steaks not stakes 16; fag-cigarette joke is tired 18; funny that he takes him to a strip joint to eat 20; "Marti seems for the first time alone and scared as he watches Dan." i don't get this 23; "It reads ‘Dear Mr Phibb’s you have been declared fit and healthy from your check up..." something odd here; would he really get such a letter; seems convenient that Dan finds it; something off 23/24; you can't make a film about craps and not show the craps!! 29; "He starts to swell up in emotion and quickly runs out of the hospital." I'm not really sure why. I'm not with him emotionally. 30; ending is very unclear to me; does Marti die? do they have money? what about craps? do they move into the abandoned house? general; i think this is a problematic piece for many of the reasons listed above. i'm not sure what dan's journey is exactly; what he learns; how he learns it; what he sacrifices for this new insight; etc. i know this story must mean a lot to you because it's based on a true story, but this is classic gap; i bet if you sat me down and told me the story, i would get why it's a good story. now we have to help you convey that same thing in screenplay format. let's talk
FJ I don't think your central ideas are coming through "Being a somebody, winning at craps so he can feel proud." i having trouble getting emotionally involved with his goal; you need to make your audience care about his goal as much as he cares about it "That he doesn't need money to feel like a somebody." i'm completely not seeing where he learns or how he learns this epiphany: "He has this in the hos[ital after seeing his mum lose the person she loved." I'm not feeling this; this is crucial; we have to work on this action: "When he pulls her into the car and tells her he loves her." i get the architecture of this; it can work, but we have to fix everything leading up to this good ref to across the universe; i can see this is a heartfelt mission for you; we just have to work at it to get the feeling that's in your head onto the page i would have liked some pics in this journal, especially in the character profiles
D2 we have to understand why craps is worthy of his interest why she is worthy of his love you need a specific goal (i.e. to win a craps tourney)
Hey Dominic
ReplyDeleteI've read the first portion of your script and i know this is going to be quite an undertaking, but should be tons of fun! I read in your journal that you might film the first part in England? That would be so incredible. I am interested to know what types of shots you are planning in England, because I figure if you go there to shoot, you should make it count! i noticed that the shots taking place in england are all inside. Have you considered possibly shooting outdoors for one of the scenes? It would be awesome to see some of that green! (since its all dirt here in az)
I think you've got a really good story going! It will be a bit challenging with all the different locations you need but I am already excited to see the finished product.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'm having a little trouble with though is that I'm not fully believing some of the character relationships. When Suzanne finds out that Marti is sick I don't know if it comes across that she cares about him so much to fly all the way to Arizona to see him. Also, I like the beginning of the relationship between Dan and Eliza, but they go from strangers to romantic interests so quickly it's a little hard to get used to. I do really like the relationship between Dan and Suzanne though. And I like the very end about the picture frame.
Also there are several spelling/grammatical errors. (Such as quite instead of quiet, lot's of 'your's that should be 'you're's, etc) But those are an easy fix.
All in all I think it's going to be a very good film!
I think you've got a really intriguing story here that has the potential to be a really solid short.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern when taking the first read through was the length - 30 pages is a long short, and with the time passage and relationships you have to build between your 3 main characters you obviously have quite a bit to fit in there. In a way, this story feels like it'd be better told in a feature length script, not that I'm saying you should do that. Instead, I would look to compress or cut certain areas that are less important, allowing you to really delve into the sequences that need to be really strong - basically the entire second act. Because it had to move fast, I felt like there wasn't enough character development between Dan and Eliza/Dan and Marti. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what their relationships are and understand it all (why I feel like this has the potential to be really good), but because things happened so quickly it didn't feel totally real to me.
Again, in terms of story I really enjoy it, I just want to be able to connect with your characters more. Looking forward to more, man.
This is a really good story. I liked the conflict between Eliza and her mom. It gave Eliza a good background to come from. Also, the second scene with the two fat ladies is hilarious. I loved the fact that she ended up in the pool. There is good dialogue between Dan and Eliza the second time they talk.
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious that there is a connection made before Dan goes back to London, but I'm not convinced that they've fallen for each other. That was my problem with Twilight. The two characters meet then they confess their love for each other. That's not love, that's lust.
There were some spelling error on pages: 11 (practicing), 13 (you're), and 18 (they'll). Also, I am a little confused on the timing. When Dan leaves for Vegas then comes back during the night. He's leaving from Phoenix, Arizona? Because it takes 6 hours one way to get to Vegas. Or maybe he leaves at 9am get there at 3pm blows it all on one toss then gets back to the house at 9pm?
I agree with Nick that this is a long short. Some ways of cutting it down, I think, are to shorten the Pub scene with Mike and the scene in the strip club. Maybe even cut them altogether. Or have Dan talk about leaving with his boss and not Mike. And have Marti get sick at his own home.
These are just suggestions. You're a really talented writer and I can't wait to see what changes you make to the script.
Seems like you'll have quite the work ahead of you. I really like the story and the development in Dan's character and life.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nick in that this really seems better told as a feature length script, not that I don’t think it’s good as a short as well. I know you probably wouldn’t want to, but I’d say cut loose a relationship or two so you can spend that time developing the others, just to avoid making this any longer than it needs to be. The main relationships seem to be between Dan and Eliza and Marti. You could probably lose Mike all together. The scene with his mother gives us enough information about his motivations and Mike doesn’t offer much to move the story forward anyways.
That scene with his boss can be tightened up too. Maybe have his manager start off yelling at Dan then ask him if he still wants to work here, with Dan saying he quits and end the scene there. In the argument with his mom, he could throw in why he chose to quit his job. Stripper scene could be tightened up as well. Maybe lose the dialogue with the stripper and just have him share eye contact with her as she comes over. Maybe Marti doesn’t even make it to the bathroom before feeling the pain.
If you were to make it longer, or can find ways to fit it in, definitely would like to see more between Dan’s two relationships. Maybe just before Dan leaves for the casino, he could say goodbye to Eliza and she kisses him for good luck. With Marti, I don’t feel enough conflict between the two to warrant Dan getting angry and leaving. Maybe add a couple of times where Marti tells Dan that he’s not ready sprinkled throughout his training.
Overall though, looking forward to seeing how this develops!
Would you consider writing a feature length script instead of a short film? I think you have a good story here with a lot of elements and characters that are required to make the story come around and it might be hard to get these 30 pages into a short film.
ReplyDeleteI think you are starting to paint these scenes and characters as if this was a feature film. You could build a lot more between Eliza and Marti's relationship with Dan if you had more time. Otherwise, maybe you could just focus on his relationship with Eliza and the second half of the script about craps or you could just work with the first half with London and his relationship with Marti.
The writing is definitely there and I think you could make a great personal piece here.
You need to condense the hell out of this script. It's got a lot of good meat to it, but the long and the short of it is there's just too much here. You need to figure out what really matters and what ties in the best with your central theme.
ReplyDeleteThe character needs to have more of a struggle throughout the script. Everything just seems to come to him. It all just flows. There aren't really any jolts in his journey. For example in the beginning he just quits his job. No real reasoning behind it other than the hate of repetition, but we never really see that beforehand, it's just assumed. Then he just decides to go to Las Vegas. You need to maybe have him have that Vegas realization with his friend as they discuss his dissatisfaction with his life...maybe something comes on tv or the friend says something to spur this reaction. And then with his parents there needs to be more, well, more push. Basically, he just announces he's leaving and his Mother just accepts it. She can accept it in the end, but you need to have something leading up to that, more convincing needs to be made. It just seemed too easy.
You need to mix things up a little more. Everything (I said this before, sorry I'm repeating myself) just comes out and happens. There needs to be more. Maybe you introduce Marti earlier on into the script instead of having his Mom send him over to Marti's. Instead you make him a part of his life in a way, maybe trying to get back into his life and maybe he's pulling strings and is the real reason and happening behind this Vegas trip culminating. That way you have this nice lead up to the end where you realize he's sick and this crazy scheme of his was to get closer to his stepson and do something right with his life. Just play around with that and try and keep less on the surface and keep it in the subtext and foreshadowing and all that neat ole movie biz.
Main point. I think you can get away with this with a much shorter script. This could be really good. You just need to play with the narrative structure.
Dom, I know this story is something personal to you, so please don't take anything I say as a reflection on what happened, simply a reflection on the story itself as just a story.
ReplyDeleteDan gets into relationship with Marti way too soon - I expect him not to have a good relationship with Marti because 1. Marti and Dan's mom aren't together anymore, generally if your parent splits with your step parent, you're not going to see that step parent again, and 2. he didn't think to see him on his own and said nothing when his mom told him to do so. If the two characters actually do have a good relationship, that needs to be made clear before Dan goes to visit Marti. Also, it's a little weird to me that Dan just drops Marti off at home after he gets sick at the strip club - Dan sees how sick he is but then just leaves him to fend for himself.
I think the relationship with Eliza needs to develop a little more. There isn't much there right now and they just seem to get together solely for the sake of being the romantic plot of the movie - it doesn't seem like there's any real thing drawing them together or purpose for them to be together other than to have another plot point.
There's also some little things, like it would be nice to see an explanation of the 'healthy' letters at some point, and what up? Dan can't cook eggs but he can cook steak? Don't buy it.
But overall, I think this is going to turn out to be very effective and I'm excited to see what you do with it.
Hey Dominic. I really like the concept of your script and I think if you do film in England, Courtney has a great point. It would be a nice
ReplyDeletecontrast between the lush greenery there and the AZ desert, and would really drive home the fact that Dan is out of his element. I also agree with everyone that the relationships need more and your script can be tightened. Ritchie had a good idea of eliminating Mike, unless you expand the story info a full-length script. Also, this is minimal, but cutting out Dan in the airport will help. You can go straight from the goodbye to him on the plane. To help with Dan and Eliza, maybe you could add Eliza somewhere into his training montage to show they have been bonding.
There are just a few other things that no one has mentioned yet: 1) I'm not a prude, but you may want to cut out a couple of the f-bombs your
characters drop in the first act. After so many in a row, it starts to lose its impact. 2) What is the Flutes? Is it a concert or symphony or something else akin? I don't mean to suggest that you Americanize your story by any means, but is there something else you can use that is more universally recognized, yet still innately British? I know it's not a central point in the story, but it bugged me that I didn't know what it is and I had to google it in the middle of reading your script. It pulled me out of the story (literally and figuratively) for a few minutes. 3) when Dan comes home, I didn't really relate to his mom's reaction to him screwing up. I may have missed the tone you were going for, but when I think of a mother comforting her son, I think of something like the following (minus the majorly dysfunctional family aspect), especially when she hugs him and shushes him: http://www.hulu.com/watch/1020/arrested-development-whats-the-rush#s-p9-n1-sr-i1
Hey Buddy,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the delay but I was busy moving all weekend long and didn’t have access to the internet until tonight!
I just finished the script... it has come a LONG way since when you first told me about the project (the relationship/ characters)... but I can still see your inspiration there between the lines.
It is a great story. Something that we all (FMP students mainly) can relate to in some way or another... the future is scary. We all have an idea of where we want to get to but don’t know how to get there, and when we do, it’s never how we imagined it. I can tell that this is a VERY important and personal story to you... and I think it really shows in the characters. I believe Dan. I feel like this is a friend or brother of mine. His actions are justified and he has a clear goal in mind. I also believe his mother, Suzanne. She is a kind, loving woman and someone who really supports her son in letting him making his own life decisions and then living with consequences.
That being said, I still don't know how I feel about Marti. I know whom you were trying to create here, but I don't know if it came across accurately. I think that you should do a little more work on him, and flesh him out more. I felt that he was kind of a "bad" person and someone I didn't really care about. His last minute speech felt a little forced. I want to like this character and pity him but I kind of felt like "so what" as to him and his regrets. I don’t know how you can fix that.
I also wanted to see more of Eliza. She was a sweet young girl who is just mixed up in life. I cared about her enough because of the situation she was in (abusive mother), but I felt like I should of known more about her. What her passions are? What she wants to do with her life? Maybe some kind of dialogue between her and Dan or even better, something that she is wearing or doing when he sees her outside.
In terms of length... I think it’s a great start. I know some people are going to complain about it being 30+ pages long, but you do what YOU feel is right. The script definitely needs to be tightened up, but its not because its too long. Its because it feels a little bloated... I think you could cut down on some of the daily activities and focus more on the characters.
Overall, this is a great start. I am really excited to see where this project goes... and more importantly, to help you work on this thing (shooting in bloody England man!!!) and help shape it into a great film.
Like the idea of Dan’s Character he is someone most people can relate to. I like how Dan is sort of unaware of his surroundings it makes him seem aloof to it all. I’m not sure if on page 3 when Dan says “This is so depressing. I mean…your life is really depressing.” works. Maybe instead of the “I mean” part say “God” instead makes it a little bit more intense. On page 4 it says, “he is still holding the poker book.” Wouldn’t he be holding the craps book? Also when Dan say’s “It’s doing my head” I’m not quite sure what that means. Maybe that’s a British phrase but to me it doesn’t really make sense. On page 8 in the Interior Dan’s Bedroom scene I’m not sure if I like that his mom comes in and tells him to see his step dad. Or maybe it’s just the way she says it. I’m getting a feeling that maybe that’s why his step dad left her so maybe his mom could say “Do me one favor. Go see your stepfather before you go to Vegas; he’s done everything you’re about to do. Maybe he can knock some sense into you.” or something along the lines. Now the ending on page 13 I’m not sure if that’s really the ending or you haven’t finished it yet but it seems a bit unfinished. I mean it could end there but I feel that I would be wondering what happens. Maybe there could be a scene where Marti describes to Dan about why he left and where that got him. Something to tie everything together I guess. Overall though good story interesting character in Dan I like his attitude and that you stick with it throughout the script.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really easy read for me. I found myself wondering what was going to happen next. The characters were my favorite part. They are all on their own in one way or another, yet they tie together really well. (If that make sense.) Their dialogue seemed pretty natural, especially between Dan and Eliza. I think their relationship moved along at a good pace until Marti's speech where he says something about Dan loving Eliza. Maybe if you just eliminate the actual word love, their interaction will speak for itself and the development of their relationship will seem more natural.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't think you should eliminate Mike's character. It is important to see Dan try and communicate his lack of interest in the life he leads with someone his own age. It makes the fact that Eliza gets it important to his attraction to her.
I agree with Lauren that you may want to drop some of the f-bombs from the fat ladies. They were funny enough without it.
The biggest problem I found was that I thought Eliza was much younger than Dan from the way she was described. Overall, I really liked the story and really enjoyed the characters.
D1 √
ReplyDelete1ST DRAFT
1; funny opening scene
2; scene with mngr is good too; very clear picture of Dan: not a rebel per se, but someone who has become aware of his own malaise and is ready to do something about it
but we do need to know a bit more about what breaks his malaise; is it the book on craps? if so, you need to put more emphasis there
5; not very exciting way to reveal that he wants to go to Vegas; feels very expositional
10; so far (up to Marti's house), it's all been exposition; nothing is HAPPENING in the scenes; he's just going from point a to point b. the scene don't have conflict; there is no real event in any of them that is powerful dramatic
10; "MARTI You too come in." typo
12; "Thery both freeze." typo
14; i'm having trouble grasping the tone/style of the piece; it's hard to believe that you can "practice" playing craps; does that make this a broad comedy? i'm unclear.
14; "Dan tries to constrain himself from snapping at Marti." why exactly? because he wants Dan to cook for him? not clear.
15; steaks not stakes
16; fag-cigarette joke is tired
18; funny that he takes him to a strip joint to eat
20; "Marti seems for the first time alone and scared as he watches Dan." i don't get this
23; "It reads ‘Dear Mr Phibb’s you have been declared fit and healthy from your check up..." something odd here; would he really get such a letter; seems convenient that Dan finds it; something off
23/24; you can't make a film about craps and not show the craps!!
29; "He starts to swell up in emotion and quickly runs out of the hospital." I'm not really sure why. I'm not with him emotionally.
30; ending is very unclear to me; does Marti die? do they have money? what about craps? do they move into the abandoned house?
general; i think this is a problematic piece for many of the reasons listed above. i'm not sure what dan's journey is exactly; what he learns; how he learns it; what he sacrifices for this new insight; etc. i know this story must mean a lot to you because it's based on a true story, but this is classic gap; i bet if you sat me down and told me the story, i would get why it's a good story. now we have to help you convey that same thing in screenplay format. let's talk
FJ
I don't think your central ideas are coming through
"Being a somebody, winning at craps so he can feel proud." i having trouble getting emotionally involved with his goal; you need to make your audience care about his goal as much as he cares about it
"That he doesn't need money to feel like a somebody." i'm completely not seeing where he learns or how he learns this
epiphany: "He has this in the hos[ital after seeing his mum lose the person she loved." I'm not feeling this; this is crucial; we have to work on this
action: "When he pulls her into the car and tells her he loves her." i get the architecture of this; it can work, but we have to fix everything leading up to this
good ref to across the universe; i can see this is a heartfelt mission for you; we just have to work at it to get the feeling that's in your head onto the page
i would have liked some pics in this journal, especially in the character profiles
D2
we have to understand why craps is worthy of his interest
why she is worthy of his love
you need a specific goal (i.e. to win a craps tourney)