pg 8 - Edgar "We're going through some things" - this doesn't work here anymore because he says the exact same thing with Eleanor before - just find a different way to word it.
pg 12 - When Edgar says he "spent weeks after that trying to save others" I would add a few lines, quick descriptions of how other people died and who they were, ex: "a mother of two killed by a drunk driver, an elderly man, fell down the stairs." Then maybe mention how he tried to save them, how he figured out they were about to die and how he tried to follow them to prevent it. Since he goes on this trying to save people spree while he's working at the suicide prevention hotline, maybe Eleanor could mention something when she's firing him about him acting crazy again - like he disappeared and wasn't showing up for work before when he was trying to save people, and this is the second time he's screwed up and acted weird at work and this is why she's firing him.
I agree with the music choices of the film, that type of piano definitely fits. Here's what's kind of escaping me at the moment - I see this movie as a straight drama, not really as a dark comedy - I'm wondering how you're going to make it more comical than the script is currently depicting it to be?
Just finished your newest draft of the script… I didn’t notice too many changes, but I guess that is something to be expected when you are on your 3rd (and possibly final) draft. The Biggest thing that I noticed and thought was a good improvement was including Edgar trying to save the girl who called at the end of the script, versus just rushing across the street to watch her die… and then you have him talking about trying to save others over the next few weeks.
Unlike Erica (☺), I still see this film as a Dark Comedy’ish film… but I understand where she is coming from! It is a rather dark story dealing with death, and at the center of it (and with more Greek-like POV), is about mortality and what the meaning of life is. So pretty heavy stuff… but I like that it isn’t dealt with in such a serious manner. Death is a funny thing when it’s boiled down, and I am glad that Edgar sees that.
You did a good job with the Production Design/ Cinematography aspects of your Journal… you images paint a good visual picture, and then your reasons/ descriptions behind them justify your creative choices.
So overall, this is looking really solid. I'm liking it! A few things that came to mind when reading it -
This is me, but I would not have Terry say a single word at the start of this film. He's in that rush after almost being hit by the car, we can see his relief and happiness on his face, and then it turns to pain and BAM heart attack. I think it would make the opening sequence stronger - all the dialogue would now just be edgar's VO and everything still comes across the same, and hopefully it comes across just a bit stronger. And again my opinion, but having him about to say heart attack and then having a heart attack is a little too on the nose and a bit cheesy for me.
This is a small one, and you more or less did have this in the script but I want to see Edgar 100% solve for X in the case of Carl when he is on the phone with him, telling him that he is in fact not going to die. You wrote he's scribbling things down, but visually I just want to see him write out a number, circle it and then confidently/almost with a laugh tell Carl he isn't going to die. Maybe that was already in your head and if it is, then no worries. I just wanted to read it in the script lol.
What you're doing with the flashback sequence to show him trying to save the OD girl is a great idea and really works well. However, I just think you can tweak the actual flashback to make it stronger. He found her, nearly dead, and then she died. Aside from carrying her around and calling the cops (who never got there in time to help) he didn't actually DO anything that would have saved her in the allotted time he knew she had. This is maybe over the top but I feel like it has to be something where there is "situation A" where this girl is about to die. Edgar find her, and completely, 100% stops "situation A" from happening. So she should live, right? Maybe her time comes and a few seconds pass, relief. Then, something batshit insane happens. A bear falls on her and she dies. Haha ok not that intense but I think you get what I mean - he has to actually save her, but even STILL she dies somehow to show that this formula is truly never wrong.
I still am really bugged by that seemingly random VO of edgar "I take flight out to Terry's memorial service." That VO comes out of nowhere. A plane sound effect and then a room, people dressed in black (or just edgar and emma) and maybe a pic of terry gets across what's going on without a hitch. Just cut that VO.
I think that's all I got. Again, looking good and looking forward to the next deliverable and draft.
I don't really have much to comment on. I think your script is really good as it is. The flashback is better. I see what a couple other people are saying, it doesnt seem like he is trying very hard to save her. Maybe you could add something as simple as him giving her CPR well after her time is up.
I would have to agree with Erica that I don't see this as a dark comedy at all. It's such a serious topic and the slightly comedic parts lighten the mood a bit, but I still view it as a drama. It's not a bad thing though because I like it as it is!
i really liked the new additions to the script, obviously the biggest one being the girl who he tried to save. I also think that there is a chance to make that a bit stronger. i have to agree with nick's comment on this section. A scene that actually proves the formula works is an excellent idea. I like the idea that he saves someone but that person still dies of something unrelated. That would prove edgars point that the formula works no matter what happens.
Really nice additions to the script! 3: new stuff = good dialogue. 7: quick question: when edgar and terry found his grandfather's journal, terry did the math for himself right? because on page three edgar says "turns out neither of us would live past 30" so they knew they only had til age 30. does this formula only say the age when someone dies or is it like exact time, place and whatnot? OK i went through all that to say this: if edgar knows that terry only had til age 30, on page 7 he should have like a computer or even paper would work and cross off terry on that list while talking to emma. just a suggetion. 12: instead of shaking her, edgar should do cpr. script: nice changes. I'm sure you're pretty set with this since you didn't have a lot of changes, but this is a really good script with a unique element. It's very different which makes this awesome Journal: i like the seven and american beauty clips. I would like to see more visuals though. Great job!
Definitely like the new version of Edgars story much better. I think its much more realistic and it flows very well. Are you thinking of having this as a kind of flash back now, or how do you want to show this? On page 14 when it says Jessica takes her leave is she leaving Edgar alone or is he leaving with her? I definitely like the different feels you’re going for in the cinematography section but do you think the flashback sequence may be a bit too much of contrast. It kind of clashes with the rest of the scenes I think. I like that you’re going for a casual feel for the characters I think this makes them seem realistic.
I like Nick's comment about Terry in the end. I don't think any dialogue is necessary there. If anything it takes away from the moment.
And I also really like the changes you made to the part with the woman in the alley. That's a really strong scene now and I think it adds so much to Edgar's backstory. Oh and ya I agree with Niki, that attempting CPR would look a lot better than Edgar just shaking the woman.
The Donnie Darko music is a good choice. That seems very fitting.
The characters are alot stronger this time around and the backstory helps flesh them out. Great job improving things!
I like the death clock count down thing, it works to help show the time progression.
I had a thought about the ending and the clock. What if when Edgar wakes up the clock is running down and when he steps out and closes the door the clock reaches zero? When we reach zero we are still in the house looking at the closed door, but we hear a body fall to the ground? Just a thought.
I still think you should add more with the flash back though. I don't think you should have her try and kill her self with pills. I think this is what most people are having a problem with. If she is overdosing on pills there is not much he could do to save her, unless he carries around a stomach pump around with him, so when she dies, it doesn't really say to the audience that no one can outlive the formula, it just says that the main character got to her too late. In my opinion she should be trying to kill herself with something that he has a chance of saving her from but still fails to do so.
Nick was right, cut the VO. I know sometimes when writing you feel like you aren't getting your point across but simple sound and visuals fix that. The VO is jarring and pointless
The flashback worked for me and I thought it was an improvement. Kind of cemented his motivations and explained a little more, but you need something there that proves the formula to him. Have her die beyond where under other circumstances she would have lived. Otherwise this can happen to anybody and not prove anything.
Finally, the problem with Dark Comedy is that it's such a subtle tone of empathy and truth when we're ashamed to admit it. We laugh, sometimes uncomfortably. Be careful with the tones you're mixing because this can go wrong easily.
I feel like you tried to make the story more about him trying to save someone or beat the system, but I don't think there was enough of it, but that might just be me. I dunno, i feel like you need to address this more in your story or maybe play with the idea of structuring it around that conflict.
Like there is that scene with the woman in the alley, but I kinda want him to go out and REALLY PURSURE IT. Like I've said before, it just seems like something that really controls his life would effect him that much more.
Overall man I'm really diggin the script. At this point I have nothing that you should add to the story but I wanted to talk about this notion about it not being a dark comedy.
With some of the new stuff added it does come off hitting a serious note and I feel it will with some audiences. It is going to be key that you make sure you hit those comedic moments that are found throughout your story. You are going to need to sit down with your actor and work out the flow of the timing with these beats so plan for a good amount of rehearsal time as all of us in the class should do to really bring out the characters.
I believe in your head you see those comedic beats hitting hard and I believe that it is going to be the deciding factor with audiences, if they can really feel those beats and it will come down to how the actor delivers the line.
Nick and Erica seemed to have a lot of the same feelings/notes as I did. I think I may be missing the dark comedy in all this. It seems more like a drama with some funny points.
Pg 8 - same note as Erica about the line being the same.
Pg 10- the dialogue between Edgar and Jessica works really well here. Nice change.
Pg 13- this flashback of the overdose woman should be stronger, as Nick said. Perhaps you will make it stronger with your actors. but the scene as written is a little weak.
Much better than your first drafts! Nice work. I think the other students had some great notes for you and I don't want to beat you over the head with any of them.
I love this script. It's short, sweet and to the point. I think it wraps up a lot and doesn't try to do too much.
This is my first read through of your script and I was impressed.
A couple of notes. I saw that one of your edits was that you specifically added the line by Jessica "You sure you don't want some breakfast first? Omelettes! I may be smoking crack here but for some reason I thought the Omletetts were somehow significant and going to end his life in some way. Then I realized that would be crazy! Anyways, it tripped me up while reading it (probably just me though).
I would really love to see you use the superimposed timecode in a creative way. Make it blend into the background. Ever seen intro credits to movies where the text looks like parts of buildings or some other object physically on the set? Maybe you could consider doing something like that, I think it would fit well in your narrative.
pg 8 - Edgar "We're going through some things" - this doesn't work here anymore because he says the exact same thing with Eleanor before - just find a different way to word it.
ReplyDeletepg 12 - When Edgar says he "spent weeks after that trying to save others" I would add a few lines, quick descriptions of how other people died and who they were, ex: "a mother of two killed by a drunk driver, an elderly man, fell down the stairs." Then maybe mention how he tried to save them, how he figured out they were about to die and how he tried to follow them to prevent it. Since he goes on this trying to save people spree while he's working at the suicide prevention hotline, maybe Eleanor could mention something when she's firing him about him acting crazy again - like he disappeared and wasn't showing up for work before when he was trying to save people, and this is the second time he's screwed up and acted weird at work and this is why she's firing him.
I agree with the music choices of the film, that type of piano definitely fits. Here's what's kind of escaping me at the moment - I see this movie as a straight drama, not really as a dark comedy - I'm wondering how you're going to make it more comical than the script is currently depicting it to be?
Hey Buddy,
ReplyDeleteJust finished your newest draft of the script… I didn’t notice too many changes, but I guess that is something to be expected when you are on your 3rd (and possibly final) draft. The Biggest thing that I noticed and thought was a good improvement was including Edgar trying to save the girl who called at the end of the script, versus just rushing across the street to watch her die… and then you have him talking about trying to save others over the next few weeks.
Unlike Erica (☺), I still see this film as a Dark Comedy’ish film… but I understand where she is coming from! It is a rather dark story dealing with death, and at the center of it (and with more Greek-like POV), is about mortality and what the meaning of life is. So pretty heavy stuff… but I like that it isn’t dealt with in such a serious manner. Death is a funny thing when it’s boiled down, and I am glad that Edgar sees that.
You did a good job with the Production Design/ Cinematography aspects of your Journal… you images paint a good visual picture, and then your reasons/ descriptions behind them justify your creative choices.
I am really excited about this movie man!
So overall, this is looking really solid. I'm liking it! A few things that came to mind when reading it -
ReplyDeleteThis is me, but I would not have Terry say a single word at the start of this film. He's in that rush after almost being hit by the car, we can see his relief and happiness on his face, and then it turns to pain and BAM heart attack. I think it would make the opening sequence stronger - all the dialogue would now just be edgar's VO and everything still comes across the same, and hopefully it comes across just a bit stronger. And again my opinion, but having him about to say heart attack and then having a heart attack is a little too on the nose and a bit cheesy for me.
This is a small one, and you more or less did have this in the script but I want to see Edgar 100% solve for X in the case of Carl when he is on the phone with him, telling him that he is in fact not going to die. You wrote he's scribbling things down, but visually I just want to see him write out a number, circle it and then confidently/almost with a laugh tell Carl he isn't going to die. Maybe that was already in your head and if it is, then no worries. I just wanted to read it in the script lol.
What you're doing with the flashback sequence to show him trying to save the OD girl is a great idea and really works well. However, I just think you can tweak the actual flashback to make it stronger. He found her, nearly dead, and then she died. Aside from carrying her around and calling the cops (who never got there in time to help) he didn't actually DO anything that would have saved her in the allotted time he knew she had. This is maybe over the top but I feel like it has to be something where there is "situation A" where this girl is about to die. Edgar find her, and completely, 100% stops "situation A" from happening. So she should live, right? Maybe her time comes and a few seconds pass, relief. Then, something batshit insane happens. A bear falls on her and she dies. Haha ok not that intense but I think you get what I mean - he has to actually save her, but even STILL she dies somehow to show that this formula is truly never wrong.
I still am really bugged by that seemingly random VO of edgar "I take flight out to Terry's memorial service." That VO comes out of nowhere. A plane sound effect and then a room, people dressed in black (or just edgar and emma) and maybe a pic of terry gets across what's going on without a hitch. Just cut that VO.
I think that's all I got. Again, looking good and looking forward to the next deliverable and draft.
Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteI don't really have much to comment on. I think your script is really good as it is. The flashback is better. I see what a couple other people are saying, it doesnt seem like he is trying very hard to save her. Maybe you could add something as simple as him giving her CPR well after her time is up.
I would have to agree with Erica that I don't see this as a dark comedy at all. It's such a serious topic and the slightly comedic parts lighten the mood a bit, but I still view it as a drama. It's not a bad thing though because I like it as it is!
-Danielle
hey ritchie,
ReplyDeletei really liked the new additions to the script, obviously the biggest one being the girl who he tried to save. I also think that there is a chance to make that a bit stronger.
i have to agree with nick's comment on this section. A scene that actually proves the formula works is an excellent idea. I like the idea that he saves someone but that person still dies of something unrelated. That would prove edgars point that the formula works no matter what happens.
i liked your changes, good work!
Really nice additions to the script!
ReplyDelete3: new stuff = good dialogue.
7: quick question: when edgar and terry found his grandfather's journal, terry did the math for himself right? because on page three edgar says "turns out neither of us would live past 30" so they knew they only had til age 30. does this formula only say the age when someone dies or is it like exact time, place and whatnot? OK i went through all that to say this: if edgar knows that terry only had til age 30, on page 7 he should have like a computer or even paper would work and cross off terry on that list while talking to emma. just a suggetion.
12: instead of shaking her, edgar should do cpr.
script: nice changes. I'm sure you're pretty set with this since you didn't have a lot of changes, but this is a really good script with a unique element. It's very different which makes this awesome
Journal: i like the seven and american beauty clips. I would like to see more visuals though.
Great job!
Definitely like the new version of Edgars story much better. I think its much more realistic and it flows very well. Are you thinking of having this as a kind of flash back now, or how do you want to show this? On page 14 when it says Jessica takes her leave is she leaving Edgar alone or is he leaving with her?
ReplyDeleteI definitely like the different feels you’re going for in the cinematography section but do you think the flashback sequence may be a bit too much of contrast. It kind of clashes with the rest of the scenes I think.
I like that you’re going for a casual feel for the characters I think this makes them seem realistic.
I like Nick's comment about Terry in the end. I don't think any dialogue is necessary there. If anything it takes away from the moment.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also really like the changes you made to the part with the woman in the alley. That's a really strong scene now and I think it adds so much to Edgar's backstory. Oh and ya I agree with Niki, that attempting CPR would look a lot better than Edgar just shaking the woman.
The Donnie Darko music is a good choice. That seems very fitting.
Keep it up!!!
Hey Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteThe characters are alot stronger this time around and the backstory helps flesh them out. Great job improving things!
I like the death clock count down thing, it works to help show the time progression.
I had a thought about the ending and the clock. What if when Edgar wakes up the clock is running down and when he steps out and closes the door the clock reaches zero? When we reach zero we are still in the house looking at the closed door, but we hear a body fall to the ground? Just a thought.
Very good draft.
ReplyDeleteI still think you should add more with the flash back though. I don't think you should have her try and kill her self with pills. I think this is what most people are having a problem with. If she is overdosing on pills there is not much he could do to save her, unless he carries around a stomach pump around with him, so when she dies, it doesn't really say to the audience that no one can outlive the formula, it just says that the main character got to her too late.
In my opinion she should be trying to kill herself with something that he has a chance of saving her from but still fails to do so.
Hey Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteNick was right, cut the VO. I know sometimes when writing you feel like you aren't getting your point across but simple sound and visuals fix that. The VO is jarring and pointless
The flashback worked for me and I thought it was an improvement. Kind of cemented his motivations and explained a little more, but you need something there that proves the formula to him. Have her die beyond where under other circumstances she would have lived. Otherwise this can happen to anybody and not prove anything.
Finally, the problem with Dark Comedy is that it's such a subtle tone of empathy and truth when we're ashamed to admit it. We laugh, sometimes uncomfortably. Be careful with the tones you're mixing because this can go wrong easily.
Otherwise, goodluck sir!
I feel like you tried to make the story more about him trying to save someone or beat the system, but I don't think there was enough of it, but that might just be me. I dunno, i feel like you need to address this more in your story or maybe play with the idea of structuring it around that conflict.
ReplyDeleteLike there is that scene with the woman in the alley, but I kinda want him to go out and REALLY PURSURE IT. Like I've said before, it just seems like something that really controls his life would effect him that much more.
Hey Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteOverall man I'm really diggin the script. At this point I have nothing that you should add to the story but I wanted to talk about this notion about it not being a dark comedy.
With some of the new stuff added it does come off hitting a serious note and I feel it will with some audiences. It is going to be key that you make sure you hit those comedic moments that are found throughout your story. You are going to need to sit down with your actor and work out the flow of the timing with these beats so plan for a good amount of rehearsal time as all of us in the class should do to really bring out the characters.
I believe in your head you see those comedic beats hitting hard and I believe that it is going to be the deciding factor with audiences, if they can really feel those beats and it will come down to how the actor delivers the line.
Nick and Erica seemed to have a lot of the same feelings/notes as I did. I think I may be missing the dark comedy in all this. It seems more like a drama with some funny points.
ReplyDeletePg 8 - same note as Erica about the line being the same.
Pg 10- the dialogue between Edgar and Jessica works really well here. Nice change.
Pg 13- this flashback of the overdose woman should be stronger, as Nick said. Perhaps you will make it stronger with your actors. but the scene as written is a little weak.
Much better than your first drafts! Nice work. I think the other students had some great notes for you and I don't want to beat you over the head with any of them.
I love this script. It's short, sweet and to the point. I think it wraps up a lot and doesn't try to do too much.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first read through of your script and I was impressed.
A couple of notes. I saw that one of your edits was that you specifically added the line by Jessica "You sure you don't want some breakfast first? Omelettes! I may be smoking crack here but for some reason I thought the Omletetts were somehow significant and going to end his life in some way. Then I realized that would be crazy! Anyways, it tripped me up while reading it (probably just me though).
I would really love to see you use the superimposed timecode in a creative way. Make it blend into the background. Ever seen intro credits to movies where the text looks like parts of buildings or some other object physically on the set? Maybe you could consider doing something like that, I think it would fit well in your narrative.
That's all for now. Great work.