Hey Chelsea! I really like what you've done with the script. I think this is a much stronger draft. I think you did a good job of not having the two characters go on a date too quickly and easily. Liz has a little more time to long for him! I also liked the rivalry between Liz and Lauren. It's a very good "high school" thing to add. Oh and I also really like the opening montage of her seeing all the rejections. That totally fixes the problem is just a few seconds.
Honestly I'm really liking this draft. I can't find too much that needs improvement. Do you already have the music for the songs? I'd really like to hear some of the music to get the full picture. Good job!
This time around is much better. The characters have strong goals in mind and we get to see them struggle while developing along the way. The characters' songs reflect their state of mind and help to reveal something about them, which is great at moving the story forward without bogging down. I would be curious to know the lyrics.
Chelsea, this is awesome! I love the first waffle shop scene. It's nice to see that the male lead in this genre is not a jerk. Very good, honest dialogue in scene 5. The relationship between Liz and T.J. develops nicely. It's not too fast, but not too slow either. I really liked the bit where they did accents. Very funny! The ending of scene 16 is good, but I thought when she turned to enter her house it was going to be locked and that would create like a funny/ awkward moment for Liz then she enters with a key. I'm very curious about the songs that you'll insert. Have they been written yet? Overall, this is very good. Keep it up!
I can't wait to hear the music for this. I thought this version of the draft moved along a lot better. Do you plan on making the entire film a musical, as in, like one song? or do you plan to have several different songs? the only reason I ask is because if you add in several songs it could end up making your film a lot longer than originally expected.
I really like the changes- esp the waffle place. This is kinda embarrassing that I know this/am going to relate it to this, but that scene kinda reminds me of a scene in Cinderella Story (yes, with Hilary Duff) when she takes the main guys order.
WHen T.J. waves at Liz on stage, I feel like somehow you can make it funny and make it as a mistake. Sorta like when someone is waving at you, so you wave back, but then you realize that they were waving to someone else. Just a thought to add humor. Takes away from the development of him liking her, but maybe you can work it in for the start of their conversation.
I enjoyed the milkduds scene.
I am very interested to hear the music and see how the choreography is goin to go down. Hopefully we will hear some of these soon? Its turning out good keep it up
Already after reading the first few lines. This opening is a lot better. Comes in early and lets the audience know exactly what this piece is about. Like it. Though. This might be just me, but I don't know about the 3 time thing. I think you get your point across with it just once. The pacing feels like it should go from the disappointment into the exposition. You could even, and in fact, it would really flesh out the character if you only do it once, and use the Oh what the fuck moment from the get go.
Your dialogue flows a lot better than in the first draft. It's much much more believable now.
Still. You're lacking conflict. You missed a really great opportunity when you talked about TJ's ex and how she still hangs around. She should be trying to thwart Liz at every turn. She's your bad guy. Again, she just kind of ends up with TJ and gets help with him automatically.
Throw some bad her way. She needs to have that darkest night. Everything has to go wrong before things can go good. It's no fun to watch someone's life just get better throughout a story. We want to see it get better and then go to shit so we can root for them to get better. I think you can achieve this with the ex girlfriend character and have her not only attempt at and/or succeed at both sabotaging the newly blossoming relationship upon also trying to sabotage her musical/talent show career.
I agree with Chris, while this draft is stronger and I'm starting to see it more clearly (maybe that's just from repeated readings) I really want some sort of bigger conflict. What strikes me most is Liz and TJ having a developing romance but nothing too menacing is coming into ruin it! Therefore is starts to just merely turn into Liz's fantasies coming true. Does she deserve this? What obstacles did she have to overcome to get this? I'm unclear.
This is still an extremely charming and funny script. I just want to cheer on the hero through harder times. If you know what I mean.
I more or less really like just about every change/addition you've made in this draft. Great job with the opening, it establishes the character and the situation right off the bat. I'm not sure if you need to repeat the gag as much as you have it written right now, but that's also something that you can freely shoot and play with later when cutting.
Relationships/dialogue all around are better, of course Liz's and TJ's the most as they're really starting to gel together. Lauren is a tool that I think you should definitely consider using much more in the next draft. We get the idea that she's unhappy so it works in the end with her actions against Liz, but why not integrate her throughout from the moment TJ has an interest in Liz? At first her motivation can simply be to get back/retain TJ resulting in minor obstacles for Liz/TJ, and as things develop between TJ and Liz it can turn more malicious to the point where she's just a crazy bitch that wants to sabotage all that's important to Liz. I say go crazy with that character in you next draft and make her practically a high school super villain if you want, whatever it takes to make Liz's accomplishments at the end that much more admirable and worthy since she'll have gone through the hell that is (could be) Lauren.
Hey Chelsea! I really like what you've done with the script. I think this is a much stronger draft. I think you did a good job of not having the two characters go on a date too quickly and easily. Liz has a little more time to long for him! I also liked the rivalry between Liz and Lauren. It's a very good "high school" thing to add. Oh and I also really like the opening montage of her seeing all the rejections. That totally fixes the problem is just a few seconds.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I'm really liking this draft. I can't find too much that needs improvement. Do you already have the music for the songs? I'd really like to hear some of the music to get the full picture. Good job!
This time around is much better. The characters have strong goals in mind and we get to see them struggle while developing along the way. The characters' songs reflect their state of mind and help to reveal something about them, which is great at moving the story forward without bogging down. I would be curious to know the lyrics.
ReplyDeleteMuch improved.
Chelsea, this is awesome! I love the first waffle shop scene. It's nice to see that the male lead in this genre is not a jerk. Very good, honest dialogue in scene 5. The relationship between Liz and T.J. develops nicely. It's not too fast, but not too slow either. I really liked the bit where they did accents. Very funny! The ending of scene 16 is good, but I thought when she turned to enter her house it was going to be locked and that would create like a funny/ awkward moment for Liz then she enters with a key. I'm very curious about the songs that you'll insert. Have they been written yet? Overall, this is very good. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear the music for this. I thought this version of the draft moved along a lot better. Do you plan on making the entire film a musical, as in, like one song? or do you plan to have several different songs? the only reason I ask is because if you add in several songs it could end up making your film a lot longer than originally expected.
ReplyDeleteI really like the changes- esp the waffle place. This is kinda embarrassing that I know this/am going to relate it to this, but that scene kinda reminds me of a scene in Cinderella Story (yes, with Hilary Duff) when she takes the main guys order.
ReplyDeleteWHen T.J. waves at Liz on stage, I feel like somehow you can make it funny and make it as a mistake. Sorta like when someone is waving at you, so you wave back, but then you realize that they were waving to someone else. Just a thought to add humor. Takes away from the development of him liking her, but maybe you can work it in for the start of their conversation.
I enjoyed the milkduds scene.
I am very interested to hear the music and see how the choreography is goin to go down. Hopefully we will hear some of these soon?
Its turning out good keep it up
Already after reading the first few lines. This opening is a lot better. Comes in early and lets the audience know exactly what this piece is about. Like it. Though. This might be just me, but I don't know about the 3 time thing. I think you get your point across with it just once. The pacing feels like it should go from the disappointment into the exposition. You could even, and in fact, it would really flesh out the character if you only do it once, and use the Oh what the fuck moment from the get go.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue flows a lot better than in the first draft. It's much much more believable now.
Still. You're lacking conflict. You missed a really great opportunity when you talked about TJ's ex and how she still hangs around. She should be trying to thwart Liz at every turn. She's your bad guy. Again, she just kind of ends up with TJ and gets help with him automatically.
Throw some bad her way. She needs to have that darkest night. Everything has to go wrong before things can go good. It's no fun to watch someone's life just get better throughout a story. We want to see it get better and then go to shit so we can root for them to get better. I think you can achieve this with the ex girlfriend character and have her not only attempt at and/or succeed at both sabotaging the newly blossoming relationship upon also trying to sabotage her musical/talent show career.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chris, while this draft is stronger and I'm starting to see it more clearly (maybe that's just from repeated readings) I really want some sort of bigger conflict. What strikes me most is Liz and TJ having a developing romance but nothing too menacing is coming into ruin it! Therefore is starts to just merely turn into Liz's fantasies coming true. Does she deserve this? What obstacles did she have to overcome to get this? I'm unclear.
ReplyDeleteThis is still an extremely charming and funny script. I just want to cheer on the hero through harder times. If you know what I mean.
I more or less really like just about every change/addition you've made in this draft. Great job with the opening, it establishes the character and the situation right off the bat. I'm not sure if you need to repeat the gag as much as you have it written right now, but that's also something that you can freely shoot and play with later when cutting.
ReplyDeleteRelationships/dialogue all around are better, of course Liz's and TJ's the most as they're really starting to gel together. Lauren is a tool that I think you should definitely consider using much more in the next draft. We get the idea that she's unhappy so it works in the end with her actions against Liz, but why not integrate her throughout from the moment TJ has an interest in Liz? At first her motivation can simply be to get back/retain TJ resulting in minor obstacles for Liz/TJ, and as things develop between TJ and Liz it can turn more malicious to the point where she's just a crazy bitch that wants to sabotage all that's important to Liz. I say go crazy with that character in you next draft and make her practically a high school super villain if you want, whatever it takes to make Liz's accomplishments at the end that much more admirable and worthy since she'll have gone through the hell that is (could be) Lauren.
Looking forward to the next one!