Hey Chris, Just got done checking out your "stuff" for this 4th and final deliverable... looking good!
There is not much more that can be said about your stuff (or anyone else's for that matter) that hasn’t already been said, but I still need to post SOMETHING.
I like the newest additions to Script. the "Bloody Doll" towards the beginning of the script should be some nice imagery to represents the slaughter that just took place.
With you adding that "John was it? I think its time you took your leave" line, I know feel much more aware of what Benny was trying to do in this scene (get John out of there before Trip kills him, vs./ in the last draft when I thought he was just being rude. Same goes for him asking Trip the next day if her heard him tell him to leave.
I liked the ending much better now too. I don’t really remember the original, but I am assuming it was something different because this draft’s was in blue. It really made it clear that Benny, while initially sane and sympathetic towards others, is just as crazy and savage as Trip when enraged. It also makes it more “okay” when he is shot by Jacob… since he is a pretty bad guy too and not just in the wrong place/ wrong time scenario.
I liked your video examples/ Editing ideas in the journal as well (EVIL DEAD!!!!), and knowing you, I am sure you are going to have a pretty crazy and interesting film here when all is said and done.
Chris, Very solid draft. Changes are good. Can't really complain about anything. I like how u used a lot of visual representations in you film journal with the picture editing. Helped to get me on the same page with the direction your headed. Also got to see The Assassination of Jesse James this weekend. The whole thing is coming together now. Good luck!
As always, this looks really good! I really like the new changes. Especially the part with the doll. This adds to Benny's character and really affects the audience. It's more moving to me because it is a child's doll and that child is now dead. It's a really good touch! And the new Trip dialogue just adds to his craziness. The scene at the campsite (after John is dead)is really well written. I wouldn't use "cunt" for Benny's dialogue to John. It took me a little out of the scene. Bastard or A-hole or dumbass would sound better to me. No scratch dumbass. But this script is looking really good. All that you did for the journal looks good.
i loved reading the whole film journal, that way we can really get a feel for how the finished product will look. I love the idea of the subtle fisheye on the shots with trip to give the audience weird feelings. it'll really add to the craziness of the character. Also looking at the pictures in the cinematography section is cool, you want it to look exactly as i had pictured it when reading. that must mean you have a good script :)
as for the scouting section, like i told nick, pine would be a nice place for you to shoot; lots of tall pines and wilderness. i have a cabin up there, would have to talk to some family but is available for people in class to stay if you decide to shoot up there.
Very solid script, and not too much to comment on. I like the addition of the doll at the beginning. Helps a lot in comparison to the previous revision.
Not sure how I feel about killing Hal as opposed to keeping him alive in the last draft. It's not that I mind either way if he lives or dies, but as it stands, it just seems too erratic for his character, especially after getting on Trip's case of killing all those people.
Looking forward to this coming to life. The visuals in the FJ are getting me excited to see this all shot.
I saw that you changed the ending and personally I liked the ending in the third draft. I like that in his quest to save Hal and atone for everything he has done, he is killed. In the last draft I didnt want Benny to die because he could potentially redeem himself. Then when he is killed I felt more conflicted and more emotional. When he kills Hal in the end of the fourth draft I was thinking that he is just as bad as Trip and I kind of wanted him to die. Maybe that's what you are going for so Bennys death is justified, but I just really enjoyed the ending of the third draft. I cant think of the exact word to describe it, but something along the lines of bittersweet would be how I felt at the end of the third.
I really did like some of the changed you made. Like the doll in the beginning helped to clarify that the smaller graves were for kids and how Benny was feeling about it. The part where Trip was talking about the kids watching him with their mom was extremely disturbing. It's sick but it definitely give you the impression right off the bat that something is wrong with Trip.
Its a really good story with either ending. Its just a personal opinion and overall I think it's a really compelling story.
Pg.14-At this point, I am still a little confused as to why Trip is afraid of Ben and nervous to tell him he needs to take a shit. He didn't have any trouble killing someone in front of him but he feels awkward about going number 2?
Pg18- Love the Jesus line "Be Still". It gives Benny that all powerful savior aura.
It is probably just me, but I think the ending to this one isn't as shocking as the last draft where Benny gets shot before doing anything bad. I feel like Benny deserves to die here and I don't feel bad when he dies, is that what you wanted?
I understand why Benny does it, he is obviously on edge. In the previous scene he kicks John's dead body. But I felt he was so calm when he approaches Hal that he probably wouldn't just flip out when his hand gets cut.
Great script Chris. You are going to have an awesome finished product. I head Jeff Ewing auditioned for you this last weekend. How do you think he did? He does a great job of getting into intense characters.
Page 1- LOVE the use of the word glittered- I know it wont really have significance in the film/story but did give me a perfect visual. Yes- random, i know
I'm torn, I really liked this ending but I liked the other as well. I think overall, with the final product though, this ending will be more effective.
Also, your journal is turning out! I can really get a feel from the pictures and such of what you want this to look like.
Overall, I wouldn't change anything else personally. I think it is great and you should now just focus on the details of locations, cast etc etc! Great job! Cant wait to see it!
Hmmmm, interesting change in the ending. I think Benny dying in the 3rd draft kind of had more weight to it. I felt that it was more of a tragedy in that he was doing one last merciful act but it was too late for him to redeem himself.
This time he stabs Hal repeatedly and I kind of don't care that he dies. Furthermore it doesn't make any sense to go into a blind fury for getting a sliced hand (I mean, think about it. He's probably had bad wounds before so would that really put him in a blind fury? More importantly, he's dealing with a bear trap with a knife so getting cut wouldn't exactly be a surprise either)
Either way, everything else is looking fantastic. Good luck!
So as you've said, you're pretty much there and it's just now down to really finalizing the last few pages of your script.
I personally don't like this version of the ending, more or less for the same few reasons that Matt just covered. Ultimately, to kill or not to kill Hal is your decision, but if you do decide to kill him I don't think this is the best way. The main reason for that is simply because I didn't buy Benny's motivation to kill Hal - sure, there's a lot of really heavy emotions going on here, but I don't think a deep cut on his hand, especially when he was literally in the process of saving Hal, would make him suddenly want to kill Hal even if it was an "accident." If I'm remembering correctly, I've liked the 3rd draft the best thus far - Hal living and Benny being killed after trying to save Hal.
Another big piece of the ending - when Benny kills Trip. This will be a powerful part no doubt, but I felt it was way rushed and we never got see Benny make that decision to kill his own brother. It went from running around in the forest looking for Trip to BAM! killed my brother. It could be fixed with an added line or so where Benny REALLY tells Trip he has to stop and Trip still doesn't take him seriously, leading Benny to finally do it. Or, it could even just be a long beat of Benny having the gun pointed at Trip, looking more serious than ever and Trip not sure what to do, then BAM dead brother.
Keep tweaking these, you're close. This'll be great.
Great work, Chris. I think this has a lot of potential. There's not too much to talk about other than your plans for casting. How did that go?
Anyways, I agree with Nick about making a decision on the ending. I know you've probably had a lot of input on what's best but I think you're the only one who's going to be able to make that call.
Maybe even consider shooting multiple endings and do some test screenings. Hollywood style!
I was so happy towards the end when it seemed you had conquered your ending, but then you went and killed Benny, and it lacked its potency.
Why end it like this? These guys are nasty mofo's and yes Tripp should die, but killing Benny means nothing really gets resolved. He dies and thats the end, whereas if he lives he has to carry that burden and realization all his life, which has more power to it, otherwise he gets off scott free (in a sense) and therefore it doensn't matter.
That's my feeling bra, otherwise I liked your additions and I think the scene with John's death works much better now.
So I'm gonna agree with Nick about the new ending. As I commented on your earlier deliverables you know I always felt that Hal should live. I just feel like you present Benny being the brother that has some what of a good conscious because he realizes throughout the story that what the two of them are doing is completely fucked up! You clearly create Trip as a complete fucking demented psycho who has no feeling of remorse whatsoever, which is a great! You give the audience the two different brothers to side with. You give us choices! The thing that didn't make sense to me is you have Benny, who just killed his brother because he is fed up with all the killing, but then he kills Hal all because he made him cut himself???!!!!
I feel that you can leave that part in where Benny's hand gets cut from Hal struggling but that should not make him stab him multiple times. I would say have him blow up on Hal by cursing up a storm and calling him a dumb nigger and he states that he is just trying to help him, then in the middle of all this chaos Benny gets shot from the incoming soldiers, that way the audience will really feel for Benny because he was trying to undue his bad habits but in the end it just wasn't enough......
Bottom of Page 16 and top of page 18 BLAST! Perhaps a better way to write that? I’m not sure if it’s the exclamation point that bothers me most or what but for some reason I would much prefer, “A gunshot echoes out of the woods.” Or “A shot.” Or whatever, but, obviously not a big deal.
I really enjoyed the bit where Benny tries to scream but no noise comes out, and then when he’s shot gets a glazed over look in his eyes. I felt Benny’s anguish in that moment and really feel like the gunshot will send the message of your piece home.
I like it. I really had no trouble reading it and thoroughly sympathized with the characters. If there was any part that felt a little shaky at all from me would be the ending, which, ends abruptly, and that might be what you’re going for.
Hey Chris,
ReplyDeleteJust got done checking out your "stuff" for this 4th and final deliverable... looking good!
There is not much more that can be said about your stuff (or anyone else's for that matter) that hasn’t already been said, but I still need to post SOMETHING.
I like the newest additions to Script. the "Bloody Doll" towards the beginning of the script should be some nice imagery to represents the slaughter that just took place.
With you adding that "John was it? I think its time you took your leave" line, I know feel much more aware of what Benny was trying to do in this scene (get John out of there before Trip kills him, vs./ in the last draft when I thought he was just being rude. Same goes for him asking Trip the next day if her heard him tell him to leave.
I liked the ending much better now too. I don’t really remember the original, but I am assuming it was something different because this draft’s was in blue. It really made it clear that Benny, while initially sane and sympathetic towards others, is just as crazy and savage as Trip when enraged. It also makes it more “okay” when he is shot by Jacob… since he is a pretty bad guy too and not just in the wrong place/ wrong time scenario.
I liked your video examples/ Editing ideas in the journal as well (EVIL DEAD!!!!), and knowing you, I am sure you are going to have a pretty crazy and interesting film here when all is said and done.
Great Job!!!
Chris,
ReplyDeleteVery solid draft. Changes are good. Can't really complain about anything. I like how u used a lot of visual representations in you film journal with the picture editing. Helped to get me on the same page with the direction your headed. Also got to see The Assassination of Jesse James this weekend. The whole thing is coming together now. Good luck!
Blah! You know how I feel...too coincidental and whatnot. Spaghetti Pancakes feels the same, she's just too nervous to tell you in person.
ReplyDeleteHey Chris,
ReplyDeleteAs always, this looks really good! I really like the new changes. Especially the part with the doll. This adds to Benny's character and really affects the audience. It's more moving to me because it is a child's doll and that child is now dead. It's a really good touch! And the new Trip dialogue just adds to his craziness. The scene at the campsite (after John is dead)is really well written. I wouldn't use "cunt" for Benny's dialogue to John. It took me a little out of the scene. Bastard or A-hole or dumbass would sound better to me. No scratch dumbass. But this script is looking really good. All that you did for the journal looks good.
Great job!
hey chris
ReplyDeletei loved reading the whole film journal, that way we can really get a feel for how the finished product will look. I love the idea of the subtle fisheye on the shots with trip to give the audience weird feelings. it'll really add to the craziness of the character. Also looking at the pictures in the cinematography section is cool, you want it to look exactly as i had pictured it when reading. that must mean you have a good script :)
as for the scouting section, like i told nick, pine would be a nice place for you to shoot; lots of tall pines and wilderness. i have a cabin up there, would have to talk to some family but is available for people in class to stay if you decide to shoot up there.
good script and FJ!
I think this script is pretty much ready to go. I don't have any criticisms about it. Good job man.
ReplyDeleteVery solid script, and not too much to comment on. I like the addition of the doll at the beginning. Helps a lot in comparison to the previous revision.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I feel about killing Hal as opposed to keeping him alive in the last draft. It's not that I mind either way if he lives or dies, but as it stands, it just seems too erratic for his character, especially after getting on Trip's case of killing all those people.
Looking forward to this coming to life. The visuals in the FJ are getting me excited to see this all shot.
Chris,
ReplyDeleteI saw that you changed the ending and personally I liked the ending in the third draft. I like that in his quest to save Hal and atone for everything he has done, he is killed. In the last draft I didnt want Benny to die because he could potentially redeem himself. Then when he is killed I felt more conflicted and more emotional. When he kills Hal in the end of the fourth draft I was thinking that he is just as bad as Trip and I kind of wanted him to die. Maybe that's what you are going for so Bennys death is justified, but I just really enjoyed the ending of the third draft. I cant think of the exact word to describe it, but something along the lines of bittersweet would be how I felt at the end of the third.
I really did like some of the changed you made. Like the doll in the beginning helped to clarify that the smaller graves were for kids and how Benny was feeling about it. The part where Trip was talking about the kids watching him with their mom was extremely disturbing. It's sick but it definitely give you the impression right off the bat that something is wrong with Trip.
Its a really good story with either ending. Its just a personal opinion and overall I think it's a really compelling story.
Pg.14-At this point, I am still a little confused as to why Trip is afraid of Ben and nervous to tell him he needs to take a shit. He didn't have any trouble killing someone in front of him but he feels awkward about going number 2?
ReplyDeletePg18- Love the Jesus line "Be Still". It gives Benny that all powerful savior aura.
It is probably just me, but I think the ending to this one isn't as shocking as the last draft where Benny gets shot before doing anything bad. I feel like Benny deserves to die here and I don't feel bad when he dies, is that what you wanted?
I understand why Benny does it, he is obviously on edge. In the previous scene he kicks John's dead body. But I felt he was so calm when he approaches Hal that he probably wouldn't just flip out when his hand gets cut.
Great script Chris. You are going to have an awesome finished product. I head Jeff Ewing auditioned for you this last weekend. How do you think he did? He does a great job of getting into intense characters.
Page 1- LOVE the use of the word glittered- I know it wont really have significance in the film/story but did give me a perfect visual. Yes- random, i know
ReplyDeleteI'm torn, I really liked this ending but I liked the other as well. I think overall, with the final product though, this ending will be more effective.
Also, your journal is turning out! I can really get a feel from the pictures and such of what you want this to look like.
Overall, I wouldn't change anything else personally. I think it is great and you should now just focus on the details of locations, cast etc etc!
Great job! Cant wait to see it!
Hmmmm, interesting change in the ending. I think Benny dying in the 3rd draft kind of had more weight to it. I felt that it was more of a tragedy in that he was doing one last merciful act but it was too late for him to redeem himself.
ReplyDeleteThis time he stabs Hal repeatedly and I kind of don't care that he dies. Furthermore it doesn't make any sense to go into a blind fury for getting a sliced hand (I mean, think about it. He's probably had bad wounds before so would that really put him in a blind fury? More importantly, he's dealing with a bear trap with a knife so getting cut wouldn't exactly be a surprise either)
Either way, everything else is looking fantastic. Good luck!
So as you've said, you're pretty much there and it's just now down to really finalizing the last few pages of your script.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't like this version of the ending, more or less for the same few reasons that Matt just covered. Ultimately, to kill or not to kill Hal is your decision, but if you do decide to kill him I don't think this is the best way. The main reason for that is simply because I didn't buy Benny's motivation to kill Hal - sure, there's a lot of really heavy emotions going on here, but I don't think a deep cut on his hand, especially when he was literally in the process of saving Hal, would make him suddenly want to kill Hal even if it was an "accident." If I'm remembering correctly, I've liked the 3rd draft the best thus far - Hal living and Benny being killed after trying to save Hal.
Another big piece of the ending - when Benny kills Trip. This will be a powerful part no doubt, but I felt it was way rushed and we never got see Benny make that decision to kill his own brother. It went from running around in the forest looking for Trip to BAM! killed my brother. It could be fixed with an added line or so where Benny REALLY tells Trip he has to stop and Trip still doesn't take him seriously, leading Benny to finally do it. Or, it could even just be a long beat of Benny having the gun pointed at Trip, looking more serious than ever and Trip not sure what to do, then BAM dead brother.
Keep tweaking these, you're close. This'll be great.
Great work, Chris. I think this has a lot of potential. There's not too much to talk about other than your plans for casting. How did that go?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I agree with Nick about making a decision on the ending. I know you've probably had a lot of input on what's best but I think you're the only one who's going to be able to make that call.
Maybe even consider shooting multiple endings and do some test screenings. Hollywood style!
Howdy Chris,
ReplyDeleteI was so happy towards the end when it seemed you had conquered your ending, but then you went and killed Benny, and it lacked its potency.
Why end it like this? These guys are nasty mofo's and yes Tripp should die, but killing Benny means nothing really gets resolved. He dies and thats the end, whereas if he lives he has to carry that burden and realization all his life, which has more power to it, otherwise he gets off scott free (in a sense) and therefore it doensn't matter.
That's my feeling bra, otherwise I liked your additions and I think the scene with John's death works much better now.
Hey Chris!
ReplyDeleteSo I'm gonna agree with Nick about the new ending. As I commented on your earlier deliverables you know I always felt that Hal should live. I just feel like you present Benny being the brother that has some what of a good conscious because he realizes throughout the story that what the two of them are doing is completely fucked up! You clearly create Trip as a complete fucking demented psycho who has no feeling of remorse whatsoever, which is a great! You give the audience the two different brothers to side with. You give us choices! The thing that didn't make sense to me is you have Benny, who just killed his brother because he is fed up with all the killing, but then he kills Hal all because he made him cut himself???!!!!
I feel that you can leave that part in where Benny's hand gets cut from Hal struggling but that should not make him stab him multiple times. I would say have him blow up on Hal by cursing up a storm and calling him a dumb nigger and he states that he is just trying to help him, then in the middle of all this chaos Benny gets shot from the incoming soldiers, that way the audience will really feel for Benny because he was trying to undue his bad habits but in the end it just wasn't enough......
eh.....ehhhhh???
;)
Chris Meyers
ReplyDeleteBottom of Page 16 and top of page 18 BLAST! Perhaps a better way to write that? I’m not sure if it’s the exclamation point that bothers me most or what but for some reason I would much prefer, “A gunshot echoes out of the woods.” Or “A shot.” Or whatever, but, obviously not a big deal.
I really enjoyed the bit where Benny tries to scream but no noise comes out, and then when he’s shot gets a glazed over look in his eyes. I felt Benny’s anguish in that moment and really feel like the gunshot will send the message of your piece home.
I like it. I really had no trouble reading it and thoroughly sympathized with the characters. If there was any part that felt a little shaky at all from me would be the ending, which, ends abruptly, and that might be what you’re going for.
Good work CJ.