This should be a fun project. It reminds me a lot of the movie Around the Bend. I'd be worried that people might associate the two, but I don't know how many people actually saw that movie. They're more or less have the same plot, but I really like the idea of putting two estranged half sisters together. Good base for conflict.
The dialogue doesn't work. You say too much with it. Leave some things to be implied or told with the imagery, or simply tell it with a lack of dialogue. Everything is lying on the surface. It states the obvious too much of the time. You repeat a lot of the same phrases, makes their dialogue less interesting. For example, Kate says, in very similar forms, "I can see why he picked it" or "I can see why he did", in regards to the fountain spot. The audience doesn't need to hear her say that more than once or it just belabors the point. Think of something else for the sister say to flesh out her character a little more.
The story was your pretty standard road trip theme. Travel, Stop, Event/Problem happens, Travel, Stop, Event/Problem happens. I think it would be nice to mix things up or throw a twist into the mix.
It seems like one sister knows alot more about the father than the other. Maybe each sister had a different experiences with the father, each side had a unique father and they have to share that. It would almost be like in Big Fish: There's the father's stories and his memories and there is the the memories that the son remembers. Completely different, but in the end they make up a more complete picture of who the father was.
That was an awesome screenplay, I liked how you captured the half sisters resentment towards each other. I also liked how you described how one sister was closer to the dead father than the other and she was obviously more hurt by his death and was having a harder time dealing with it. The end was good but I think it could resolve itself into something more. There were a few spelling errors but nothing major, I also don't understand why they ran away from the girl who wanted to drink with them?
The story is a good idea. Is it "based on" a real situation or pretty close to the actual event? The reason I ask is because I think you can cut the little bit with the dog about to pee on the ashes.
Also, I am confused on the character of Kate. She seems to get on the nerves of Danielle really easily, however, I don't see what is "wrong" with Kate to make Danielle feel that way. Kate tries to comfort Danielle and yet Danielle still pushes her away. And then it seems that Danielle does a complete 180 and starts to make jokes with Kate. There should be a bigger event that brings them together instead of a bird hitting the windshield. Then Danielle can't seem to get enough of Kate's stories. Then another 180 turn when Danielle starts taking the medication.
The story ends so abruptly and it seems that the relationship has only just begun to be positive again. Is it possible to rearrange the scenes to create more of a build up and then climax and resolution as oppose to a roller-coaster of emotion?
There is definitely a good story to be told here and I think with the continued work and new drafts it could be very good.
As of right now, I never found myself getting fully invested into the story. There's of course plenty of conflict and growth to be had between these two characters, and rather than starting out almost hating each other and progressing from there, to me it felt like we jumped back and forth between them having troubles and them being best friends and that took me out of the story a bit.
The biggest one that got me was right after they asked for directions from the crazy biker chicks. One second they were reflecting on the ridiculousness of that situation, and then out of nowhere Danielle really goes off on Kate very quickly with almost no buildup. I understand what happens, I just didn't believe it.
I like the tool of the father's instructions left for them to follow, it's a simple and nice touch that I think can make for some really awesome and moving sequences. Be careful with the things like the father's reflection in the water and a apparition of him appearing at the end - in my opinion those are things we've all seen before and we will expect them to unfold in a certain way and if they don't do that those moments could come off very cheesy and ruin the emotion of the scene.
Lastly, although only we students are reading this, there are a lot of spelling and basic grammar errors scattered throughout the script. That's not a good habit and more importantly, when I get distracted because I'm the type of person that sees those things (I know not every cares as much as I may) and gets distracted from your story as a result.
Looking forward to seeing where you take this in your next draft.
D1 - √ SCRIPT 1; good opening scene, and nice final image for that scene, but what out for the melodrama 2; "Black fills the entire room." -nice turn of phrase 2; "She cannot take anymore so she calmly walks up to her dads (typo)room." 3; this idea of sending her to these meaningful locations is very nice - and intriguing (from a story pov) 3; also nice idea to force her to bring Kate and that she doesn't want that. sets up a nice story dynamic (assuming it's not a predictable sister bonding movie; sister bonding ok - in fact it's good, just make sure it's not predictable) 3: "Besides, he wanted this." -consider: "Besides, this is the way he wanted it." 5: "Flattered, Danielle seems to forget who she is talking to for a minute." -I don't buy that she would come around so quick and easily; even for a moment 6; I like her image with Dad's but you are skirting around melodrama; be careful 7; I think you need a better way for the urn to break. The man flying the kite seems odd. 8; Kate's "I need an urn!" and elephant jar is funny. touching Maybe they should not bond until the MUTUALLY break the urn (after they've had the touching moment at the fountain. perhaps maintain the tension until then (and even after that it shouldn't be totally resolved). 10; "The radio cut (typo) out on that station." 10; "I know it was me and dads (typo) song..." -feels predictable and melodramatic 11; if they are bonding over the song at page 11 of a 21 page script, it feels like you may have resolved things too early in the screenplay 12; bird and driving = stunts = talk to Miguel 13; "...or else I wouldn’t have you in my life." -this feels unearned; comes out of nowhere (not nowhere, but feels forced by the writer a bit) 13; "They don’t say anything for a few minutes." -do you really mean a few mins? montage? write what you mean. 14; "Ya, before you were born. He got hypnotized to quite tho (typo)." 15; funny about the porn and walking around naked 17; why do you need the Girth scene. could you cut it. it will only provide a small amount of comic relief; not essential for story really; if you use it, make it quick and make sure it is really funny and that they really bond over this 17; is this the first time we see the pills? if not, maybe make the pills more prominent earlier 18; danielle's bristle feels abrupt and very much out of nowhere; would she be that offended about Katie suggesting she watch the drugs; not established that she's that defensive, vulnerable i like many things about this; premise is very good; but I'm not feeling their bonding and the emotion of that yet. but excellent start. environments should progress as their relationship progresses dialogue is a bit on the nose
FJ none
D2 DUE: ask Miguel about shooting with Camera car cost do you have to close down the street? ask about some road the city rents to local productions to shoot on permits call around to see who has them; don't ask yet; start building relationships; call as a student doing a research project tell us why Dad wanted it this way; why he wants the two girls to go on this trip together
This should be a fun project. It reminds me a lot of the movie Around the Bend. I'd be worried that people might associate the two, but I don't know how many people actually saw that movie. They're more or less have the same plot, but I really like the idea of putting two estranged half sisters together. Good base for conflict.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue doesn't work. You say too much with it. Leave some things to be implied or told with the imagery, or simply tell it with a lack of dialogue. Everything is lying on the surface. It states the obvious too much of the time. You repeat a lot of the same phrases, makes their dialogue less interesting. For example, Kate says, in very similar forms, "I can see why he picked it" or "I can see why he did", in regards to the fountain spot. The audience doesn't need to hear her say that more than once or it just belabors the point. Think of something else for the sister say to flesh out her character a little more.
The story was your pretty standard road trip theme. Travel, Stop, Event/Problem happens, Travel, Stop, Event/Problem happens. I think it would be nice to mix things up or throw a twist into the mix.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like one sister knows alot more about the father than the other. Maybe each sister had a different experiences with the father, each side had a unique father and they have to share that. It would almost be like in Big Fish: There's the father's stories and his memories and there is the the memories that the son remembers. Completely different, but in the end they make up a more complete picture of who the father was.
That was an awesome screenplay, I liked how you captured the half sisters resentment towards each other. I also liked how you described how one sister was closer to the dead father than the other and she was obviously more hurt by his death and was having a harder time dealing with it. The end was good but I think it could resolve itself into something more. There were a few spelling errors but nothing major, I also don't understand why they ran away from the girl who wanted to drink with them?
ReplyDeleteThe story is a good idea. Is it "based on" a real situation or pretty close to the actual event? The reason I ask is because I think you can cut the little bit with the dog about to pee on the ashes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am confused on the character of Kate. She seems to get on the nerves of Danielle really easily, however, I don't see what is "wrong" with Kate to make Danielle feel that way. Kate tries to comfort Danielle and yet Danielle still pushes her away. And then it seems that Danielle does a complete 180 and starts to make jokes with Kate. There should be a bigger event that brings them together instead of a bird hitting the windshield. Then Danielle can't seem to get enough of Kate's stories. Then another 180 turn when Danielle starts taking the medication.
The story ends so abruptly and it seems that the relationship has only just begun to be positive again. Is it possible to rearrange the scenes to create more of a build up and then climax and resolution as oppose to a roller-coaster of emotion?
There is definitely a good story to be told here and I think with the continued work and new drafts it could be very good.
ReplyDeleteAs of right now, I never found myself getting fully invested into the story. There's of course plenty of conflict and growth to be had between these two characters, and rather than starting out almost hating each other and progressing from there, to me it felt like we jumped back and forth between them having troubles and them being best friends and that took me out of the story a bit.
The biggest one that got me was right after they asked for directions from the crazy biker chicks. One second they were reflecting on the ridiculousness of that situation, and then out of nowhere Danielle really goes off on Kate very quickly with almost no buildup. I understand what happens, I just didn't believe it.
I like the tool of the father's instructions left for them to follow, it's a simple and nice touch that I think can make for some really awesome and moving sequences. Be careful with the things like the father's reflection in the water and a apparition of him appearing at the end - in my opinion those are things we've all seen before and we will expect them to unfold in a certain way and if they don't do that those moments could come off very cheesy and ruin the emotion of the scene.
Lastly, although only we students are reading this, there are a lot of spelling and basic grammar errors scattered throughout the script. That's not a good habit and more importantly, when I get distracted because I'm the type of person that sees those things (I know not every cares as much as I may) and gets distracted from your story as a result.
Looking forward to seeing where you take this in your next draft.
D1 - √
ReplyDeleteSCRIPT
1; good opening scene, and nice final image for that scene, but what out for the melodrama
2; "Black fills the entire room."
-nice turn of phrase
2; "She cannot take anymore so she calmly walks up to her dads (typo)room."
3; this idea of sending her to these meaningful locations is very nice - and intriguing (from a story pov)
3; also nice idea to force her to bring Kate and that she doesn't want that. sets up a nice story dynamic (assuming it's not a predictable sister bonding movie; sister bonding ok - in fact it's good, just make sure it's not predictable)
3: "Besides, he wanted this."
-consider: "Besides, this is the way he wanted it."
5: "Flattered, Danielle seems to forget who she is talking to for a minute."
-I don't buy that she would come around so quick and easily; even for a moment
6; I like her image with Dad's but you are skirting around melodrama; be careful
7; I think you need a better way for the urn to break. The man flying the kite seems odd.
8; Kate's "I need an urn!" and elephant jar is funny. touching
Maybe they should not bond until the MUTUALLY break the urn (after they've had the touching moment at the fountain. perhaps maintain the tension until then (and even after that it shouldn't be totally resolved).
10; "The radio cut (typo) out on that station."
10; "I know it was me and dads (typo) song..."
-feels predictable and melodramatic
11; if they are bonding over the song at page 11 of a 21 page script, it feels like you may have resolved things too early in the screenplay
12; bird and driving = stunts = talk to Miguel
13; "...or else I wouldn’t have you in my life."
-this feels unearned; comes out of nowhere (not nowhere, but feels forced by the writer a bit)
13; "They don’t say anything for a few minutes."
-do you really mean a few mins? montage? write what you mean.
14; "Ya, before you were born. He got hypnotized to quite tho (typo)."
15; funny about the porn and walking around naked
17; why do you need the Girth scene. could you cut it. it will only provide a small amount of comic relief; not essential for story really; if you use it, make it quick and make sure it is really funny and that they really bond over this
17; is this the first time we see the pills? if not, maybe make the pills more prominent earlier
18; danielle's bristle feels abrupt and very much out of nowhere; would she be that offended about Katie suggesting she watch the drugs; not established that she's that defensive, vulnerable
i like many things about this; premise is very good; but I'm not feeling their bonding and the emotion of that yet. but excellent start.
environments should progress as their relationship progresses
dialogue is a bit on the nose
FJ
none
D2
DUE:
ask Miguel about shooting with Camera car
cost
do you have to close down the street?
ask about some road the city rents to local productions to shoot on
permits
call around to see who has them; don't ask yet; start building relationships; call as a student doing a research project
tell us why Dad wanted it this way; why he wants the two girls to go on this trip together
- Very moving opening scene, maybe it’s because I’m on cold medicine but it definitely made my eyes tingle. I like that there aren’t that many words in this opening scene I think the fewer words the better. I think that maybe at the end when the doctor say’s “we have to move him now” maybe we should just see commotion going on in slow motion and a sort of hummed tone so we can think for ourselves what’s going on. I like the note from the father in and I like that it would be a voice over however, I find some of the wording and some of the things he say’s as cliché. Maybe take out the part of him telling Danielle to take some of his ashes with him and just have her take them. It sounds slightly creepy and unusual of him telling her that. Also I think Kate and the mother should be in the hospital scene I feel that at the fathers last moments in life the whole family would be there. Also how is Kate a stepsister? Did the father have a child before having Danielle? When they head out to their first place they go to the fountain where the proposal happened. However, when the father was doing the V.O. he said the playground first then the proposal. Maybe switch those around during the V.O. I love that things start going wrong especially that the urn breaks and I think the best line may be Kate’s saying “I need an urn!” this scene definitely will be memorable. I like the scene when Danielle describes how she feels to Kate however at the end when she says “And now I don’t feel anymore…only numb inside.” Maybe just have her say “And now I just don’t feel anymore.” without the “numb inside” part. That seems too scripted and I think it would be more effective if she starts to say that last part slowly trailing off. I’m slightly confused at why there aren’t anymore V.O. from the dad of what he wanted the girls to do. I think their needs to be an overall reason for why he had the girls go on this journey together. I like the script very impactful, meaningful and it has some great comedic relief in it as well ☺
ReplyDelete