I understood this draft a little bit better, I am still not sure where it is going though. Is there more to the script or does it end with the chess move?
Page 2- The line "nothin much" kinda bothers me. I feel Kenny should be more hesitant and try to devise a statement for the girl to go away. Nothin much seems kinda friendly. Maybe more like just "nothing"or him not even responding, trying to ignore her. Minor details... Or at least have Jim be annoyed by the presence of the girl
Page 3- Just wondering, what will be the visual when the song and credits are playing? Or just a blank screen
Overall, I am having a hard time understanding the story. Maybe when its on screen it willl all come together for me. I will read it all again and bring more feedback to class Wed! But good job!!!!!!
This is a feature, right? I'm intrigued by the story, but without a summary or an outline, I'm left asking more questions than anything else. The kids especially I'm curious about since they don't appear at all again in what you have so far. I'm sure they'll be explained later, but after the shocking intro, that's all that's on my mind.
What you have so far is great and I'm enjoying the chase and the interactions between the characters. I'm not entirely sure what you changed from the previous script, but it feels tighter than when I last read it.
There isn't too many changes here since your last draft and just like the last one, I'm still lost.
I know this is a feature script, but even these first pages aren't meshing and that's largely due to grammatical errors (commas everywhere), unnecessary information and description that makes my mind wander, and lack of basic screenplay format. All this just simply makes it hard to read.
I want to know what you're going for and there are bits a pieces that I can see, but overall it seems like what you have in your head and what is on the page are two different things. At this point all I can say is get us some sort of synopsis or outline to help contextualize these first pages as well as working on smoothing it over while you continue to write.
nice to see that you changed the name of the main character, lee is much better then steve
cool video, is lee your character gonna be kind of a bad guy, but with a heart of gold, is this the kind of character arch you want?
if you want this to be more like Taken, and if you want Lee to have more at stake in your story, maybe the child trafficers get wind that Lee is helping out the FBI, and maybe Lee used to be married, but the marriage fell apart, but not before, they had a kid. So maybe he has a son or daughter he never sees who gets abducted by the bad guys as a message, or to lure him to them so they can get rid of Lee.
U need a title!!!!
did you change any of the script in the first draft? for the next draft could you write in revision mode that way we can tel what is different.
your in the same position as me. i would like to see an outline of all three acts from you that way i can tell where the story is going when i read it.
the opening scene is still effective and i like your idea for the credits, however, i still get the children of the corn feeling at the beginning with the little girl.. .. Maybe she only asks if she can help once? i think that would make it seem a little less creepy.
I want to know how we're going to tie back in to the creepy scene from the beginning! I really enjoyed this script. It felt kind of easy to read. I liked in particular the Pool-Scratch-Tip-Off, very cinematic.
The creepy intro nursery rhyme thing is also working very well for me. Poor little ducks...
I like the little convo inside the car before shit goes down as well.
Didnt see anything up on the website, so I hope everything is going well for you.
ReplyDeleteIan
I understood this draft a little bit better, I am still not sure where it is going though. Is there more to the script or does it end with the chess move?
ReplyDeletePage 2- The line "nothin much" kinda bothers me. I feel Kenny should be more hesitant and try to devise a statement for the girl to go away. Nothin much seems kinda friendly. Maybe more like just "nothing"or him not even responding, trying to ignore her. Minor details...
ReplyDeleteOr at least have Jim be annoyed by the presence of the girl
Page 3- Just wondering, what will be the visual when the song and credits are playing? Or just a blank screen
Overall, I am having a hard time understanding the story. Maybe when its on screen it willl all come together for me. I will read it all again and bring more feedback to class Wed! But good job!!!!!!
This is a feature, right? I'm intrigued by the story, but without a summary or an outline, I'm left asking more questions than anything else. The kids especially I'm curious about since they don't appear at all again in what you have so far. I'm sure they'll be explained later, but after the shocking intro, that's all that's on my mind.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have so far is great and I'm enjoying the chase and the interactions between the characters. I'm not entirely sure what you changed from the previous script, but it feels tighter than when I last read it.
Looking forward to seeing more.
There isn't too many changes here since your last draft and just like the last one, I'm still lost.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a feature script, but even these first pages aren't meshing and that's largely due to grammatical errors (commas everywhere), unnecessary information and description that makes my mind wander, and lack of basic screenplay format. All this just simply makes it hard to read.
I want to know what you're going for and there are bits a pieces that I can see, but overall it seems like what you have in your head and what is on the page are two different things. At this point all I can say is get us some sort of synopsis or outline to help contextualize these first pages as well as working on smoothing it over while you continue to write.
nice to see that you changed the name of the main character, lee is much better then steve
ReplyDeletecool video, is lee your character gonna be kind of a bad guy, but with a heart of gold, is this the kind of character arch you want?
if you want this to be more like Taken, and if you want Lee to have more at stake in your story, maybe the child trafficers get wind that Lee is helping out the FBI, and maybe Lee used to be married, but the marriage fell apart, but not before, they had a kid. So maybe he has a son or daughter he never sees who gets abducted by the bad guys as a message, or to lure him to them so they can get rid of Lee.
U need a title!!!!
did you change any of the script in the first draft? for the next draft could you write in revision mode that way we can tel what is different.
your in the same position as me. i would like to see an outline of all three acts from you that way i can tell where the story is going when i read it.
the opening scene is still effective and i like your idea for the credits, however, i still get the children of the corn feeling at the beginning with the little girl.. .. Maybe she only asks if she can help once? i think that would make it seem a little less creepy.
I want to know how we're going to tie back in to the creepy scene from the beginning! I really enjoyed this script. It felt kind of easy to read. I liked in particular the Pool-Scratch-Tip-Off, very cinematic.
ReplyDeleteThe creepy intro nursery rhyme thing is also working very well for me. Poor little ducks...
I like the little convo inside the car before shit goes down as well.
Good stuff man.
-David