Just a note that my 4th draft of the script will be up late, but hopefully no later than Saturday night. Had a script epiphany a little late and it's going through a semi-large rewrite. What's posted now is a partial edit up to pg. 10 so even if you can only critique that, it works for me.
Like the updates so far through page 10, no complaints. I kind of hoped for more of an ending, rather than just leaving it open but thats just my opinion. I don't know if thats what you intended on changing before wednesday so I just wait and see.
Also, great examples of your picture editing in your film journal. When I first read your script American Beauty came to mind. I also think that these long takes, which were utilized in that film will help with conveying the emotion your going for. Even holding on characters faces for longer than normal can also be effective. We have been watching older films similar to this in one of my other classes. I would take a look at Marlon Brando or James Dean. Very good at showing emotion without actually speaking any lines. Just a suggestion.
I love this story dude. I don’t think I have told you enough about how well written this thing has been (through ALL 4 Deliveries). I think that this draft is pretty good... You have really honed in on the Jessica/ Edgar relationship (which is a VERY important backbone of this film... as it gives him some kind of stake in the world).
The Jessica suicide attempt is a great way to introduce the 2 characters!
I didn’t like the line "How can I help you if I cant help myself?" (Page 7)... it reads kind of jokey and I don’t know what exactly you were tying to do here.
But the ending... I honestly think that your last draft (3rd I think) was your best one because it had a great balance of humor/ drama/ and real, genuine emotion. I cared about the Edgar/ Jessica relationship much more then any of the other drafts... I bought it more. I know that this project started out more as a Dark Comedy for you, but no it’s more of a drama (which is cool), but I still think that a little humor here and there is a good thing.
The new ending just doesn’t feel "right" to me. The whole conversation Edgar and Emma have about Jessica in the bedroom is very preachy... its not as interesting to me. I don’t remember what you did in the last draft, but I remember that scene was FAR more powerful too me. I also don’t like that he just gets shot... to abrupt. I don’t think that it is fair to the character!
Just my 2 cents.
I didn’t see very much new stuff in this journal upload… but it looks like you’ve been pretty busy with the rewrites, so you have an excuse.
I REALLY do love this story buddy… but I really think you nailed it in the last draft, and this newest one if a step backwards.
I agree with Ian on this new ending. It's not hitting me as hard as the last one and I really think with a short story like this one, you really want to go out with an emotional bang. It might just be the dialogue or the fact that he gets shot, but something just isn't striking the right cord.
Obviously your main character has had this name since the beginning, but I am not a big fan of the character name Edgar, unless he is from the early 1900's. It doesn't seem like a modern name at all and I am having trouble seeing that same flowing in the dialogue. Just my opinion on that note.
Your journal looks fine, but make sure you fill in those blank areas. The journal is an important part of the preproduction process. It will come in handy as you start to cast and rehearse.
Think I agree with the others about the new ending. In the previous drafts it's really interesting that he lives his life to the fullest and accepts his fate. This one is kind of interesting how it's so abrupt, but I think it makes the rest of the story almost a joke. Like we're supposed to be laughing at him in the end. I just don't think that's as effective. In my opinion.
Chelsea's comment about the name Edgar is interesting too. This whole time I've felt that name was a little off. But I just thought maybe it was just me. It feels like a southern hick type of name. lol
This has really improved! 2-3: the new VOs really help shape/set up the story. 3: I like using a CU there 4: break up scene is good. It's real and honest. LOVE using a time Lapse here. 5: I like Edgar's rant, but I want Carl to give him more reason to rant. As it is now, Carl just says the one line, I'd add at least one more of him really feeling sorry for himself. 7: I like the news reporter lines! 10: I agree with Ian on the emma/edgar convo. The ending was okay for me. Once you finish this draft to the ending, I think it'll be more powerfull because you would have wrote it all out as opposed to just describing it to us. But with what was uploaded I really liked.
i enjoyed getting to take a look at the film journal and see some of the pics that show how you would like to light the film. plus seeing all the set and costume designs was neat. i especially loved the phone booth picture. do you plan on using any other elements to show the flashback? i think it might be cool if you did that unless you decided to roll back the timecode
So, I dont know how I feel about the ending. I liked the unknown ending where you aren't sure what's going to happen or not. It added a nice metaphor about life to your last few drafts.
Other than that, you've helped move along the story and make it more about his obsession. But the ending just kinda killed it for me.
I think you struck a really solid balance between your original angle on the film and the new-and-improved honed-in-on-their-relationship angle, and it's working great for me. There's some clever stuff in here and it all works really well. There's a few lines here or there that I question (how can I help you if I can't help myself) but even those I still feel like can work pretty well and be funny or hit right with the right actor and your direction.
Now, the one criticism I got for ya. Yep, the ending. I don't think this works at all with this new draft. I think it is much better left with Edgar's and Jessica's relationship and ultimately his life in limbo, not sure of where he's headed next. Just like the ending of the first Spiderman. Haha sorry, that just somehow came to mind with that idea for an ending. But really, that is what I'm thinking! I look forward to talking about your thoughts on the ending in class.
Well, Mr Ritchie, just like everyone, ending not as strong in this one for me.
The whole speech on page 11 when he apologizes wasn't working for me. I feel this apology needs to be more original/ he doesn't need to say ALL of that.. I think if you had less dialogue for that you could play around with the actors performance more... more dramatic pauses and such.
I like the other drafts where the audience is left without knowing what will happen. It is more interesting to me personally that way and will have a bigger impact on the audience in my opinion
Just decide what you want for the ending and I think you are good to go!!
I definitely think that you put a lot of thought and time into working out the kinks out of the story. You've made Jessica and Edgars relationship blossom. Its extremely realistic. You've always had a good way of writing. I like the way you wrote Edgar breaking up with Jess. Something thats definitely happened to most any person. Also the addition of the her attempt of suicide is great adds character and depth to the story. You have a real talent for writing naturally. Great work :)
Sorry to hear you lost some of your script from computer problems, thats sucks man!
You really had me invested in the story until the end man, I got a vision for Edgar and how obsessed he is with the death clock ticking away.
I do feel that the scene between him and Emma is a tad preachy but you can easily fix that with some dialogue tweaks, in fact this scene should be explained through visuals mostly. Edgar really doesn't need to give his two word dialogues like " I do" . This is something we can talk about in person, but I see that scene being pulled off by the visual storytelling.
As far as the end goes I felt cheated man, I think you should stick with your original ending where it is unknown because it will allow the audience to think deeply about their lives and what they have done with them.
Overall, good stuff man but lets talk and brainstorm on those scenes!
pg 2 - I guess I never thought of this before, but "Terry’s vision starts to blur" are you planning on shooting that POV then?
pg 4 - "...but most of these people end up having long lives. They just needed someone to talk to." I really like this line.
pg 7 - I think to hear all of the news reports while flipping through channels is a little unbelievable. What if he was watching one station and you jump cut to later in the program a few times and hear those headlines during that?
Just a note that my 4th draft of the script will be up late, but hopefully no later than Saturday night. Had a script epiphany a little late and it's going through a semi-large rewrite. What's posted now is a partial edit up to pg. 10 so even if you can only critique that, it works for me.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLike the updates so far through page 10, no complaints. I kind of hoped for more of an ending, rather than just leaving it open but thats just my opinion. I don't know if thats what you intended on changing before wednesday so I just wait and see.
ReplyDeleteAlso, great examples of your picture editing in your film journal. When I first read your script American Beauty came to mind. I also think that these long takes, which were utilized in that film will help with conveying the emotion your going for. Even holding on characters faces for longer than normal can also be effective. We have been watching older films similar to this in one of my other classes. I would take a look at Marlon Brando or James Dean. Very good at showing emotion without actually speaking any lines. Just a suggestion.
Good stuff here though.
Ritchie... My man!
ReplyDeleteI love this story dude. I don’t think I have told you enough about how well written this thing has been (through ALL 4 Deliveries). I think that this draft is pretty good... You have really honed in on the Jessica/ Edgar relationship (which is a VERY important backbone of this film... as it gives him some kind of stake in the world).
The Jessica suicide attempt is a great way to introduce the 2 characters!
I didn’t like the line "How can I help you if I cant help myself?" (Page 7)... it reads kind of jokey and I don’t know what exactly you were tying to do here.
But the ending... I honestly think that your last draft (3rd I think) was your best one because it had a great balance of humor/ drama/ and real, genuine emotion. I cared about the Edgar/ Jessica relationship much more then any of the other drafts... I bought it more. I know that this project started out more as a Dark Comedy for you, but no it’s more of a drama (which is cool), but I still think that a little humor here and there is a good thing.
The new ending just doesn’t feel "right" to me. The whole conversation Edgar and Emma have about Jessica in the bedroom is very preachy... its not as interesting to me. I don’t remember what you did in the last draft, but I remember that scene was FAR more powerful too me. I also don’t like that he just gets shot... to abrupt. I don’t think that it is fair to the character!
Just my 2 cents.
I didn’t see very much new stuff in this journal upload… but it looks like you’ve been pretty busy with the rewrites, so you have an excuse.
I REALLY do love this story buddy… but I really think you nailed it in the last draft, and this newest one if a step backwards.
I agree with Ian on this new ending. It's not hitting me as hard as the last one and I really think with a short story like this one, you really want to go out with an emotional bang. It might just be the dialogue or the fact that he gets shot, but something just isn't striking the right cord.
ReplyDeleteObviously your main character has had this name since the beginning, but I am not a big fan of the character name Edgar, unless he is from the early 1900's. It doesn't seem like a modern name at all and I am having trouble seeing that same flowing in the dialogue. Just my opinion on that note.
Your journal looks fine, but make sure you fill in those blank areas. The journal is an important part of the preproduction process. It will come in handy as you start to cast and rehearse.
Think I agree with the others about the new ending. In the previous drafts it's really interesting that he lives his life to the fullest and accepts his fate. This one is kind of interesting how it's so abrupt, but I think it makes the rest of the story almost a joke. Like we're supposed to be laughing at him in the end. I just don't think that's as effective. In my opinion.
ReplyDeleteChelsea's comment about the name Edgar is interesting too. This whole time I've felt that name was a little off. But I just thought maybe it was just me. It feels like a southern hick type of name. lol
Good job Ritchie!
Hey Ritchie,
ReplyDeleteThis has really improved!
2-3: the new VOs really help shape/set up the story.
3: I like using a CU there
4: break up scene is good. It's real and honest. LOVE using a time Lapse here.
5: I like Edgar's rant, but I want Carl to give him more reason to rant. As it is now, Carl just says the one line, I'd add at least one more of him really feeling sorry for himself.
7: I like the news reporter lines!
10: I agree with Ian on the emma/edgar convo.
The ending was okay for me. Once you finish this draft to the ending, I think it'll be more powerfull because you would have wrote it all out as opposed to just describing it to us.
But with what was uploaded I really liked.
nice job.
hey ritchie,
ReplyDeletei enjoyed getting to take a look at the film journal and see some of the pics that show how you would like to light the film. plus seeing all the set and costume designs was neat. i especially loved the phone booth picture. do you plan on using any other elements to show the flashback? i think it might be cool if you did that unless you decided to roll back the timecode
So, I dont know how I feel about the ending. I liked the unknown ending where you aren't sure what's going to happen or not. It added a nice metaphor about life to your last few drafts.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, you've helped move along the story and make it more about his obsession. But the ending just kinda killed it for me.
Very good stuff, I'm really liking the changes.
ReplyDeleteI think you struck a really solid balance between your original angle on the film and the new-and-improved honed-in-on-their-relationship angle, and it's working great for me. There's some clever stuff in here and it all works really well. There's a few lines here or there that I question (how can I help you if I can't help myself) but even those I still feel like can work pretty well and be funny or hit right with the right actor and your direction.
Now, the one criticism I got for ya. Yep, the ending. I don't think this works at all with this new draft. I think it is much better left with Edgar's and Jessica's relationship and ultimately his life in limbo, not sure of where he's headed next. Just like the ending of the first Spiderman. Haha sorry, that just somehow came to mind with that idea for an ending. But really, that is what I'm thinking! I look forward to talking about your thoughts on the ending in class.
But aside from that, great draft.
Well, Mr Ritchie, just like everyone, ending not as strong in this one for me.
ReplyDeleteThe whole speech on page 11 when he apologizes wasn't working for me. I feel this apology needs to be more original/ he doesn't need to say ALL of that.. I think if you had less dialogue for that you could play around with the actors performance more... more dramatic pauses and such.
I like the other drafts where the audience is left without knowing what will happen. It is more interesting to me personally that way and will have a bigger impact on the audience in my opinion
Just decide what you want for the ending and I think you are good to go!!
I definitely think that you put a lot of thought and time into working out the kinks out of the story. You've made Jessica and Edgars relationship blossom. Its extremely realistic. You've always had a good way of writing. I like the way you wrote Edgar breaking up with Jess. Something thats definitely happened to most any person. Also the addition of the her attempt of suicide is great adds character and depth to the story. You have a real talent for writing naturally. Great work :)
ReplyDeleteHey Ritchie!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you lost some of your script from computer problems, thats sucks man!
You really had me invested in the story until the end man, I got a vision for Edgar and how obsessed he is with the death clock ticking away.
I do feel that the scene between him and Emma is a tad preachy but you can easily fix that with some dialogue tweaks, in fact this scene should be explained through visuals mostly. Edgar really doesn't need to give his two word dialogues like " I do" . This is something we can talk about in person, but I see that scene being pulled off by the visual storytelling.
As far as the end goes I felt cheated man, I think you should stick with your original ending where it is unknown because it will allow the audience to think deeply about their lives and what they have done with them.
Overall, good stuff man but lets talk and brainstorm on those scenes!
pg 2 - I guess I never thought of this before, but "Terry’s vision starts to blur" are you planning on shooting that POV then?
ReplyDeletepg 4 - "...but most of these people end up having long lives. They just needed someone to talk to." I really like this line.
pg 7 - I think to hear all of the news reports while flipping through channels is a little unbelievable. What if he was watching one station and you jump cut to later in the program a few times and hear those headlines during that?