Hey Lucas, you've done a great job with this project. I think the song five little ducks playing over the title sequence is a nice touch. Reminds me of the Alpha Dog title sequence. They played over the rainbow with pictures/footage of the cast when they were young and I think footage of the people the characters were based off of, but dont quote me on that. I like the use of flashbacks. Everything that you added is great, really understandable. The dialogue flowed nicely. One minor thing, Taylor said not to have similar name like Timmy and Jimmy for two seperate characters since it could be confusing. Even though some shows/films have the characters have similar names, it still can be confusing. So it wasn't confusing for me, but it was kinda hard to read the Parno/Carlo scenes then to remember who's who and what they did before and after. Ya know? But one thing I especially liked is Lee playing chess and ending the first act with a checkmate. That could be a plant... Beat sheet for Terminator 2 and your film look great. Journal is looking good too. I like how you put our comments in the screenplay notes section. You've probably been super busy (like everyone else in the class) but once you get your journal completed I'd like to have a look at it. Production design, wardrobe, sound design details could come in handy when you're pitching your story to a studio or production company. So when you get it done, send it out. Other than that, this is looking great and I can't wait for more.
The writing seems to be really well done. The scenes are all pretty original and I get a really good feel for all of the characters - without reading their names I kind of knew who was talking especially Parno and Murray.
I'm a little confused about what this is about. I know that Murray killed an FBI agent and now someone is after him. Also, there are kids who are showing up dead and it seems to have something to do with Murray. I don't know if you want viewers to know exactly what is going on at this point. I'm sure a lot of the questions I have would be answered in the rest of the script since this is just the first act but I am definitely curious to see what is going on. Can't wait to read more next semester. Good work!
On page 6, make sure you state the changes in locations. Like when Parno is in the Lexus, that is not the boarding house. I got a little confused during this part
You also have some inconsistencies of when you introduce a character. Sometimes you CAPITALIZE and other times you don't. just a minor detail.
I as well am a little confused at some points. I dunno if there are just a lot of characters or I'm just missin something, but this is only a draft and im sure it will all come together. I dont know if you can this early, but try to narrow the number of characters down unless they are vital to the story.
Other than that i like where this is heading! Excited to see the rest!
pg 15 - I don't like the chess board - seems cliche.
Murray's kind of a soft name, Bulletin was better because it's more pointed, though it was a bit too long - find something that sounds hard and has one syllable, I think it'll fit your character better.
pg 18 - "We are not child killers." This is worded strangely.
pg 22 - "Then you must really be pissed about that fat Mexican gardener fuckin’ your mama" Doesn't work.
Beat Sheet - Ok, I get it more now, ie: the dead kids, it's still a bit confusing only because there are a ton of characters and you're talking about people that you haven't introduced yet, but I'm sure it'll all fit together when you actually write it down. Speaking of which, get on it. I still really like your script and I want to see more of it. Also, I'm assuming Jill and Jenny are the same character and you didn't make your mind up about a name, right? Or are they actually two separate people?
I dont know if you changed it, or if it is just because i have read it a couple of times but with the extra lines by the little girl on the opening scene it seems less creepy now, good job.
the new stuff is great, good writing, it makes me want to read more, a lot of it is sick, but interesting,
as far as the beat sheet is concerned, is jenny jill? does murray have to save her? if so that is good, because it gives murray more of an investment in the script and gives him a reason to become involved with all of this.
Hey Lucas, you've done a great job with this project. I think the song five little ducks playing over the title sequence is a nice touch. Reminds me of the Alpha Dog title sequence. They played over the rainbow with pictures/footage of the cast when they were young and I think footage of the people the characters were based off of, but dont quote me on that. I like the use of flashbacks. Everything that you added is great, really understandable. The dialogue flowed nicely. One minor thing, Taylor said not to have similar name like Timmy and Jimmy for two seperate characters since it could be confusing. Even though some shows/films have the characters have similar names, it still can be confusing. So it wasn't confusing for me, but it was kinda hard to read the Parno/Carlo scenes then to remember who's who and what they did before and after. Ya know? But one thing I especially liked is Lee playing chess and ending the first act with a checkmate. That could be a plant...
ReplyDeleteBeat sheet for Terminator 2 and your film look great. Journal is looking good too. I like how you put our comments in the screenplay notes section. You've probably been super busy (like everyone else in the class) but once you get your journal completed I'd like to have a look at it. Production design, wardrobe, sound design details could come in handy when you're pitching your story to a studio or production company. So when you get it done, send it out.
Other than that, this is looking great and I can't wait for more.
Lucas,
ReplyDeleteThe writing seems to be really well done. The scenes are all pretty original and I get a really good feel for all of the characters - without reading their names I kind of knew who was talking especially Parno and Murray.
I'm a little confused about what this is about. I know that Murray killed an FBI agent and now someone is after him. Also, there are kids who are showing up dead and it seems to have something to do with Murray. I don't know if you want viewers to know exactly what is going on at this point. I'm sure a lot of the questions I have would be answered in the rest of the script since this is just the first act but I am definitely curious to see what is going on. Can't wait to read more next semester. Good work!
On page 6, make sure you state the changes in locations. Like when Parno is in the Lexus, that is not the boarding house. I got a little confused during this part
ReplyDeleteYou also have some inconsistencies of when you introduce a character. Sometimes you CAPITALIZE and other times you don't. just a minor detail.
I as well am a little confused at some points. I dunno if there are just a lot of characters or I'm just missin something, but this is only a draft and im sure it will all come together. I dont know if you can this early, but try to narrow the number of characters down unless they are vital to the story.
Other than that i like where this is heading! Excited to see the rest!
pg 15 - I don't like the chess board - seems cliche.
ReplyDeleteMurray's kind of a soft name, Bulletin was better because it's more pointed, though it was a bit too long - find something that sounds hard and has one syllable, I think it'll fit your character better.
pg 18 - "We are not child killers." This is worded strangely.
pg 22 - "Then you must really be pissed about that fat Mexican gardener fuckin’ your mama" Doesn't work.
Beat Sheet - Ok, I get it more now, ie: the dead kids, it's still a bit confusing only because there are a ton of characters and you're talking about people that you haven't introduced yet, but I'm sure it'll all fit together when you actually write it down. Speaking of which, get on it. I still really like your script and I want to see more of it. Also, I'm assuming Jill and Jenny are the same character and you didn't make your mind up about a name, right? Or are they actually two separate people?
I dont know if you changed it, or if it is just because i have read it a couple of times but with the extra lines by the little girl on the opening scene it seems less creepy now, good job.
ReplyDeletethe new stuff is great, good writing, it makes me want to read more, a lot of it is sick, but interesting,
as far as the beat sheet is concerned, is jenny jill? does murray have to save her? if so that is good, because it gives murray more of an investment in the script and gives him a reason to become involved with all of this.