Tom, As of 6:10pm... I couldnt get your script to download on my computer. I tried several times, using both Firefox and Safari, but when I click download... nothing happens! Chelsea commented on how even though she got it too download, its all glitched out and such... so I am assuming the file is corrupted or something.
Let me know when the readable version is up so I can check it out!
You have the character say, explains the mustache, explain that in her character description. Is it something subtle or really over the top? If you're going the ridiculous route, explain it in your action.
Pg3 - So, I'm at page three of this big setup voice over and I'm kind of bored. I think some of this can be attributed to you having all this dialogue and very little description in your action, so all im seeing in my head is the dialgoue. Just add some action, I think that'll clear a lot up.
A Piecture... typo
"And began dating year later" ? a year later?
Pg 4 - He calls the guy fucking his girlfriend an asshole. Shouldn't he be more mad at her. To me, it seems like asshole should be substituted with, bitch.
Pg6 - "Do you really your balls? " What?
Pg9 - "she she comes" ???
Ok. Overall, I'm confused as to what your story is here. You are writing something about a poor sap who is on the date from hell, but aside from spilling this girl's martini, it is fairly mellow and nothing really happens. Nothing funny at least. The girth of this piece is just a mediocre normal time. You are writing the date from hell here! It needs to be fucking horrible for this guy. You opened up with him bitching about how terrible his life is and show this scene that foreshadows A BAD FUCKING DATE, yet, it's not a bad date at all.
You need to revamp the entire dinner sequence. Shit needs to go badly for him, it needs to build and I really think that him spilling a drink in her lap isn't enough for him to think all is lost. It was just kind of lackluster. You've really gotta up the stakes here. Also. What does he want? It's never apparent that he wants anything other than to just get out, and I never feel like rooting for him the entire time. You really need to fuck with this guy and maybe add to the character, making him start to try and then BOOM SHIT EXPLODES.
Tommy, I like your story, it's got a nice personal touch to it.
There is one part though that I feel overplayed Peter's ineptness and that was towards the end when he spills the drink on Caitlin. This was too much for me to believe, I know he's clumsy and he has terrible luck with the ladies but this totally yanked me out.
One thought I had when re-reading your script was the part about his two father's that raised him and then there is no mention of them again. I reckon there is some possible humor with them turning up later in the film, possible substituting the spilled drink episode for an awkward encounter at the pub? This could offer some more insight to your main character and conflict to your piece?
You have some great dialogue to this film and I would love to see you create a scene with the two fathers and this girl, that could be really funny and could help drive home your character's goal.
Overall, nice work I like the mood and tempo your going for...
I really enjoyed the voice overs in the beginning, especially the part where he reveals that he had two dads; i have to disagree with chris on this one and say i thought it was the most interesting part of the story.
The part where "he insults her job," I dont know if I buy that; when peter said he doesnt like clubs, thats not really a burn on her if you know what i mean, or at least it shouldnt have been. Unless thats just the type of person she is.
I really liked how you brought the voice overs back at the end, it wraps it up really nice. good work!
Page 2- so when you say "a picture" do you literally mean a photograph? Like a Polaroid? I don't think you necessarily need this little bit with the assistant. It's a funny little joke, but I think you could cut right to the part about the "some would think that having gay dads..."
Page 6- Not sure what this was supposed to say here but Peter's line of "Do you really your balls"
Page 6- your should be "you're" for Collins second line.
Page 6- Are you allowed to carry alcohol on public streets in Chicago?
Page 7- Peter says "your" it should be "you're"
Page 11- Another couple of yours that should be "you're"
Page 12- What do you mean when you say "working on comedy"? Typo- here should be her. Also during his joke is the parenthetical supposed to be pease or pause?
Page 13- is Caitlin saying "God, that WAS when I was a brunette" ?
Page 14- Who's Ecca?
Caitlin's line here matches Collin's too much with the "You guys wanna" maybe she should say "how about we hit up a club?" or "I know the perfect club we can go to" or something similar.
Page 21- Peter's line of "There just meant to be" should say They're just meant to be.
Page 21- Caitlin is used to be a notch in a bedpost? So does that mean she sleeps around with a lot of guys?
Page 21- Peter says "well, I actually had a GOOD time"
Cute ending. Not too sure if there is much of a conflict here. I was expecting to have Peter run into his ex-girlfriend or his parents or something to make is super awkward besides just spilling her drink or having the waiter hit on her. But that just might be me. 23 pages is a lot where no action really occurs. Do you think you could trim it down some?
I think this could be a really good story. Awkward dates are always the worst and almost anyone can relate. I would agree with some of the other comments that there could be a bit more conflict. I like the part where he accidentally grabs her boob and then spills a drink on her, but it could use one more big thing to make it really awkward. Maybe you could do something more with the part where the other guy hits on her at the bar. He could try and defend her and he doesn't really do a very good job, making it awkward.
Also, his epiphany on the train that she is the same as him sort of comes out of no where. Maybe he catches a glimpse of himself in the window and he has something stuck in his teeth, then he looks over at her and she smiles and she has something in hers as well. Then he realizes it. I don't know, just an idea.
I loved the beginning with the voice overs and the pictures and the two dads. Very funny. I especially liked the voice overs in the end, I was actually laughing out loud. I think there is a lot you can do with this and it will be really funny when it's finished.
So there's some I like and more I'm just sort of indifferent about at this point. I'm digging your first 5 pages, I think this can be a great fun opening sequence and I can see it playing in my head with the way you wrote it. I enjoyed the lighthearted, comedic and sardonic tone in those first 5 pages and wished you had taken that style and mood and strung it throughout the entire script. Instead, though, those five pages build up to what ends up being a date that really isn't that bad (the intro makes it seems like it's going to be absolutely horrible). There's some funny moments throughout, but I think there's either not enough or the ones you have aren't big enough to keep me intrigued. So overall, if I had to pinpoint what I think you need to do, is really, really make this date horrible (and horribly funny, as I am assuming that is your goal, right?) Gotta come up with some really good gags, and yep that probably be hard but I know you can pull it off.
The other main criticism I got is the end - it seems to just happen to easily. It's not even the lack of build up, I think this ending could happen fairly quickly, but instead I guess I'm just not buying it - him having his epiphany simply through VO. There's gotta be something more that sparks it, I don't think it can just happen. Make it more clever and it'll make the realization worth that much more.
And reread for typos, there are too many man.
So take that crazy fun style from the beginning and apply it to your whole script, dude!!!
Tom, I really like the beginning. There is some funny stuff here. Peter is really likable and my favorite part of the beginning is when we see pictures of how Peter grew up. Him having two fathers is the cherry on top of his upbringing. I also liked Peter running away from that one father.
Pg 6: "Do you really your balls?" I think you're missing a word in that sentence.
When Peter meets Caitlin is a funny moment. The dinner scene is flowing smoothly. I like the two guys/ third one ducks joke.
The later part of the dinner date is good. There are many typos on these pages though. I'm not so sure about the waiter sharing his thoughts on Caitlin's looks to the guys. I like the conflict at McClarens. I was waiting for Peter to do something else on this date.
When the random guy tries to pick up Caitlin with Peter there doesn't fit for me. Maybe Peter and Collin can get the drinks while Becca and Caitlin get a table then the guy comes to pick her up, but Peter swoopes in to "save the day" for lack of a better phrase. I'm just thinking out loud here. lol
I like how we come back to the L train and fully understand what Peter was talking about in the beginning. I also like how you ended it with Peter realizing that Caitlin is like him and that Caitlin doesn't want the night to end and invites them in to watch talking heads.
23 pages is a bit long though. But this is some very good work.
I think you've got some good dialogue going here. The characters seem really realistic. I agree with some of the others though that maybe something about the two gay dads could come up again later in the script. Not necessarily that the dads are actually there or anything, but maybe Peter brings them up in an awkward way and Caitlin doesn't understand. Something to bring them back to the audience's attention and be comical. I also think the epiphany moment needs to be bigger. As of right now it's just kind of like "hey she tripped once, therefore she's my soulmate." That's just not working for me. I like the idea of the big epiphany a lot, I'm just not sold on it yet.
Oh and ya, a good spell/grammar check would be very good here! Lots of typos.
I was going to point out all the spelling and grammatical errors but it seems everybody beat me to it.
Now that I am done laughing at Meyers comment I will say that I somewhat agree. I loved your opening and then it sort of meandered and my interest was fading. I wanted to laugh but things such as a boob grab just seemed odd and confusing.
You give an every day feel here and you could have some great comedy grounded in realism if you rework some stuff. You're on the right track though.
Just a few things. When you introduce a new character, make sure that you capitalize their name.
I really like the montage of pictures. I think it is hilarious and can totally picture it! I especially can't wait to see the picture of Peter running out naked.
Page 6- "do you really your balls" I feel there is a word missing? Im confused
PAge 9- "she she comes" Here she comes
page 10- he looses his balance. Loses*. Nice to meet you two. too*
Page 11- your just like peter over here. You're*
Page 13- I can't believe your a a fan... You're*. Also, capitalize Talking Heads.
Page 14- ecca- Becca*
Page 18 and 19- You have a lot of random capitalizations throughout the piece. like on these pages, The bartender and Takes a drink should not be capitalized.
Page 18- and becca come back to the table. and Becca comes back*
Page 19- laughs in a weird laugh. Maybe say laughs in a weird way.
page 21- I'm sure that gets a annoying. No a
I feel the ending can be a little bit more detailed and stronger. Maybe both of them look into each others eyes as he is walking away, etc etc.
Overall I like it, simple and funny. I do feel Peter needs to have a little something more for Caitlin to stick around in the end. Right now it is not that believable for me. Keep it up! It's turnin out good.
Tom, Love the V.O. I think this is going to be extremely funny. You definitely need to find the right voice for this. Who are you thinking of casting for Peter? I love that he has two dads and Sasha you can imagine this in you’re head and you definitely can see the controversy and interest this subject will bring. I like all the imagery we get that matches the voice over. I’m not sure if four pages of voice over is too much or not though you may want to condense it because at the fourth page I was wondering if the whole thing would be in voice over. Just something to think about. I think the scene between the two guys is great. Definitely can see that happening in real life and I love how nervous he is. Great romantic comedy feel but definitely not cheesy. I love how life is against peter however, it may seem a bit clichÈ. I like this though definitely something everyone can relate to. Great job
pg 6 - It'd be funny if the blind date's name was something extremely similar to Peter or Collin - like Petra or Calyn (the boys names are hard to match, but you get the point)
I really enjoyed the introduction, the pictures and all - I thought that was great, but you kind of lost me after that. Aside from the date not being horrible, I don't really see the motivation here for Peter - why does he want to keep trying with Caitlin if he thinks he's screwed it up? I mean it would be understandable if there was something about her that he really liked or if they had this awesome connection, but as it is now, they agree on a few things and that's kind of it - there's nothing really striking about her and I think there needs to be. She just comes off as this pretty lame girl that Peter only finds 'cool' because she's hot. Nothing about the two of them together really fits - she's a club promoter who clearly blows through dudes and he's a writer who takes relationships seriously - I don't see the connection between them. I think she needs to do something, and just like a normal thing for her, but something that stands out with Peter that makes him want to fight for her - and her being clumsy isn't enough - it can't be a flaw of hers, it has to be something really neat and original about her.
I really do like the build up at the beginning as it sets up the story for a lot of potential pitfalls, but like many others have said, I feel there's actually very little conflict, at least, to warrant 22 pages. A big problem could be because you choose to play this out, for the most part, in real time. Maybe if we get to see them on multiple dates and various awkward situations come up. I would like to see the whole gay dads have an actual effect on the character. Maybe he knows more about dresses than his date would care to know.
There's a lot of potential here, but a lot of missed opportunities as well.
Hey Buddy, Finally got it too open... thoughts are below:
Page 1 - Caitlin should be in CAPS
Page 2 - Typo: "I was raised*..."
Page 3 - Typo: "A picture* of Peter..."
Page 4 - Typo: "... Tanya and PETER going at it*..."
Page 4 - I think you should change it to "On this here* embarrassing date" versus "on this now", as it sounds a lot more proper.
Page 5 - Typo: "He* takes a deep breath..."
Page 5 - Typo: I am assuming it is supposed to say "Do you really need/ want* your balls?"
Page 7: The whole page reads kind of clunky and awkward... but I like what you have there. You need to put in some quotation marks (around Go-To's for instance) and ...'s to break it up more and make it read more natural
Page 8 - Typo: "He hands her the wine as* they walk into..."
Page 8 - You should say "It would help with the nerves." not "It would help with some nerves."
Page 8 - Typo: "She nods and looks* at Peter..."
Page 8 - You need to lose the action of "Peter is about to say no when he looks at...", as that doesnt read on screen. Just say something like "Peter looks to Collin".
Page 10 - Spelling: It should be "Nice to me you too*"
Page 11 - Grammar: "She looks at Peter,* and then down at the table"
Page 12 - You don't need the line "Collin and Becca, who have both been watching this jump in", as it's more of a dialogue action. Just have Becca's line of "Oh yeah! Pete is hilarious" there and put (interrupting).
Page 12 - You have a lot of going back and forth between active and passive voice (throughout the script), like the line "Peter is getting nervous". The script should be in active voice, so it should look like "Peter is nervous." You need to go through and keep your eyes peeled for this kind of writing.
Page 12 - Spelling: (Pease)?
Page 13 - The line "Empty plates litter the table. Two empty bottles of wine sit on the table" reads weird, it should say "Empty plates and wine bottles litter the table" (bad example!)
Page 13 - Typo: "God, that was* when I... I actually got to meet* them a couple years ago"
Page 15 - The "Colin waives the waiter over. He walks over" line reads weird... combine the two.
Page 17 - Typo: "... another guy walks and* starts talking..."
Page 17 - You repeat "Sorry about that..." twice with both Caitlin and Becca's lines. Make on just a plain ole' "Sorry"
Page 18 - Typo: "...and Becca* comes back..."
Page 21 - Typo: "It was nice to meet you too*"
What happened to Lake Michigan? I liked that scene more then the bedroom... if your shooting in Chicago, you have no choice but to get that shot in there. No excuses!
I liked it... it was funny and kind of quirky. I feel like that ending was a bit tacked on though... like it was rushed or something. I dont know if thats the case or not.
You need to go back through the whole script and look for that active/ passive voice thing I mentioned earlier as it is a bit distracting. Good job though!
Not sure if that was a joke or what, but your script was 54 pages and there is no actual dialogue. It's all Matrix Wingdings style font.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get something up! I can't wait to read your next draft.
Tom,
ReplyDeleteAs of 6:10pm... I couldnt get your script to download on my computer. I tried several times, using both Firefox and Safari, but when I click download... nothing happens! Chelsea commented on how even though she got it too download, its all glitched out and such... so I am assuming the file is corrupted or something.
Let me know when the readable version is up so I can check it out!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePg2 - grammar "raise" raised
ReplyDeleteYou have the character say, explains the mustache, explain that in her character description. Is it something subtle or really over the top? If you're going the ridiculous route, explain it in your action.
Pg3 - So, I'm at page three of this big setup voice over and I'm kind of bored. I think some of this can be attributed to you having all this dialogue and very little description in your action, so all im seeing in my head is the dialgoue. Just add some action, I think that'll clear a lot up.
A Piecture... typo
"And began dating year later" ? a year later?
Pg 4 - He calls the guy fucking his girlfriend an asshole. Shouldn't he be more mad at her. To me, it seems like asshole should be substituted with, bitch.
Pg6 - "Do you really your balls? " What?
Pg9 - "she she comes" ???
Ok. Overall, I'm confused as to what your story is here. You are writing something about a poor sap who is on the date from hell, but aside from spilling this girl's martini, it is fairly mellow and nothing really happens. Nothing funny at least. The girth of this piece is just a mediocre normal time. You are writing the date from hell here! It needs to be fucking horrible for this guy. You opened up with him bitching about how terrible his life is and show this scene that foreshadows A BAD FUCKING DATE, yet, it's not a bad date at all.
You need to revamp the entire dinner sequence. Shit needs to go badly for him, it needs to build and I really think that him spilling a drink in her lap isn't enough for him to think all is lost. It was just kind of lackluster. You've really gotta up the stakes here. Also. What does he want? It's never apparent that he wants anything other than to just get out, and I never feel like rooting for him the entire time. You really need to fuck with this guy and maybe add to the character, making him start to try and then BOOM SHIT EXPLODES.
Tommy, I like your story, it's got a nice personal touch to it.
ReplyDeleteThere is one part though that I feel overplayed Peter's ineptness and that was towards the end when he spills the drink on Caitlin. This was too much for me to believe, I know he's clumsy and he has terrible luck with the ladies but this totally yanked me out.
One thought I had when re-reading your script was the part about his two father's that raised him and then there is no mention of them again. I reckon there is some possible humor with them turning up later in the film, possible substituting the spilled drink episode for an awkward encounter at the pub? This could offer some more insight to your main character and conflict to your piece?
You have some great dialogue to this film and I would love to see you create a scene with the two fathers and this girl, that could be really funny and could help drive home your character's goal.
Overall, nice work I like the mood and tempo your going for...
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the voice overs in the beginning, especially the part where he reveals that he had two dads; i have to disagree with chris on this one and say i thought it was the most interesting part of the story.
The part where "he insults her job," I dont know if I buy that; when peter said he doesnt like clubs, thats not really a burn on her if you know what i mean, or at least it shouldnt have been. Unless thats just the type of person she is.
I really liked how you brought the voice overs back at the end, it wraps it up really nice. good work!
Page 2- type "raise" should be raised
ReplyDeletePage 2- so when you say "a picture" do you literally mean a photograph? Like a Polaroid? I don't think you necessarily need this little bit with the assistant. It's a funny little joke, but I think you could cut right to the part about the "some would think that having gay dads..."
Page 6- Not sure what this was supposed to say here but Peter's line of "Do you really your balls"
Page 6- your should be "you're" for Collins second line.
Page 6- Are you allowed to carry alcohol on public streets in Chicago?
Page 7- Peter says "your" it should be "you're"
Page 11- Another couple of yours that should be "you're"
Page 12- What do you mean when you say "working on comedy"? Typo- here should be her. Also during his joke is the parenthetical supposed to be pease or pause?
Page 13- is Caitlin saying "God, that WAS when I was a brunette" ?
Page 14- Who's Ecca?
Caitlin's line here matches Collin's too much with the "You guys wanna" maybe she should say "how about we hit up a club?" or "I know the perfect club we can go to" or something similar.
Page 21- Peter's line of "There just meant to be" should say They're just meant to be.
Page 21- Caitlin is used to be a notch in a bedpost? So does that mean she sleeps around with a lot of guys?
Page 21- Peter says "well, I actually had a GOOD time"
Cute ending. Not too sure if there is much of a conflict here. I was expecting to have Peter run into his ex-girlfriend or his parents or something to make is super awkward besides just spilling her drink or having the waiter hit on her. But that just might be me. 23 pages is a lot where no action really occurs. Do you think you could trim it down some?
I liked your script, the idea is really good, I agree with Chris though. I think you should add in some funnier parts.
ReplyDeleteI liked the back story, it reminded me of Arrested Development.
I think if you add in some more parts during the date you will have a very good screenplay.
Tom,
ReplyDeleteI think this could be a really good story. Awkward dates are always the worst and almost anyone can relate. I would agree with some of the other comments that there could be a bit more conflict. I like the part where he accidentally grabs her boob and then spills a drink on her, but it could use one more big thing to make it really awkward. Maybe you could do something more with the part where the other guy hits on her at the bar. He could try and defend her and he doesn't really do a very good job, making it awkward.
Also, his epiphany on the train that she is the same as him sort of comes out of no where. Maybe he catches a glimpse of himself in the window and he has something stuck in his teeth, then he looks over at her and she smiles and she has something in hers as well. Then he realizes it. I don't know, just an idea.
I loved the beginning with the voice overs and the pictures and the two dads. Very funny. I especially liked the voice overs in the end, I was actually laughing out loud. I think there is a lot you can do with this and it will be really funny when it's finished.
-Danielle
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTom -
ReplyDeleteSo there's some I like and more I'm just sort of indifferent about at this point. I'm digging your first 5 pages, I think this can be a great fun opening sequence and I can see it playing in my head with the way you wrote it. I enjoyed the lighthearted, comedic and sardonic tone in those first 5 pages and wished you had taken that style and mood and strung it throughout the entire script. Instead, though, those five pages build up to what ends up being a date that really isn't that bad (the intro makes it seems like it's going to be absolutely horrible). There's some funny moments throughout, but I think there's either not enough or the ones you have aren't big enough to keep me intrigued. So overall, if I had to pinpoint what I think you need to do, is really, really make this date horrible (and horribly funny, as I am assuming that is your goal, right?) Gotta come up with some really good gags, and yep that probably be hard but I know you can pull it off.
The other main criticism I got is the end - it seems to just happen to easily. It's not even the lack of build up, I think this ending could happen fairly quickly, but instead I guess I'm just not buying it - him having his epiphany simply through VO. There's gotta be something more that sparks it, I don't think it can just happen. Make it more clever and it'll make the realization worth that much more.
And reread for typos, there are too many man.
So take that crazy fun style from the beginning and apply it to your whole script, dude!!!
Tom, I really like the beginning. There is some funny stuff here. Peter is really likable and my favorite part of the beginning is when we see pictures of how Peter grew up. Him having two fathers is the cherry on top of his upbringing. I also liked Peter running away from that one father.
ReplyDeletePg 6: "Do you really your balls?" I think you're missing a word in that sentence.
When Peter meets Caitlin is a funny moment. The dinner scene is flowing smoothly. I like the two guys/ third one ducks joke.
The later part of the dinner date is good. There are many typos on these pages though. I'm not so sure about the waiter sharing his thoughts on Caitlin's looks to the guys. I like the conflict at McClarens. I was waiting for Peter to do something else on this date.
When the random guy tries to pick up Caitlin with Peter there doesn't fit for me. Maybe Peter and Collin can get the drinks while Becca and Caitlin get a table then the guy comes to pick her up, but Peter swoopes in to "save the day" for lack of a better phrase. I'm just thinking out loud here. lol
I like how we come back to the L train and fully understand what Peter was talking about in the beginning. I also like how you ended it with Peter realizing that Caitlin is like him and that Caitlin doesn't want the night to end and invites them in to watch talking heads.
23 pages is a bit long though. But this is some very good work.
I think you've got some good dialogue going here. The characters seem really realistic. I agree with some of the others though that maybe something about the two gay dads could come up again later in the script. Not necessarily that the dads are actually there or anything, but maybe Peter brings them up in an awkward way and Caitlin doesn't understand. Something to bring them back to the audience's attention and be comical. I also think the epiphany moment needs to be bigger. As of right now it's just kind of like "hey she tripped once, therefore she's my soulmate." That's just not working for me. I like the idea of the big epiphany a lot, I'm just not sold on it yet.
ReplyDeleteOh and ya, a good spell/grammar check would be very good here! Lots of typos.
Keep up the good work man!
Hey Tom,
ReplyDeleteI was going to point out all the spelling and grammatical errors but it seems everybody beat me to it.
Now that I am done laughing at Meyers comment I will say that I somewhat agree. I loved your opening and then it sort of meandered and my interest was fading. I wanted to laugh but things such as a boob grab just seemed odd and confusing.
You give an every day feel here and you could have some great comedy grounded in realism if you rework some stuff. You're on the right track though.
Hey Tom really like it!
ReplyDeleteJust a few things. When you introduce a new character, make sure that you capitalize their name.
I really like the montage of pictures. I think it is hilarious and can totally picture it! I especially can't wait to see the picture of Peter running out naked.
Page 6- "do you really your balls" I feel there is a word missing? Im confused
PAge 9- "she she comes" Here she comes
page 10- he looses his balance. Loses*. Nice to meet you two. too*
Page 11- your just like peter over here. You're*
Page 13- I can't believe your a a fan... You're*. Also, capitalize Talking Heads.
Page 14- ecca- Becca*
Page 18 and 19- You have a lot of random capitalizations throughout the piece. like on these pages, The bartender and Takes a drink should not be capitalized.
Page 18- and becca come back to the table. and Becca comes back*
Page 19- laughs in a weird laugh. Maybe say laughs in a weird way.
page 21- I'm sure that gets a annoying. No a
I feel the ending can be a little bit more detailed and stronger. Maybe both of them look into each others eyes as he is walking away, etc etc.
Overall I like it, simple and funny. I do feel Peter needs to have a little something more for Caitlin to stick around in the end. Right now it is not that believable for me. Keep it up! It's turnin out good.
Tom,
ReplyDeleteLove the V.O. I think this is going to be extremely funny. You definitely need to find the right voice for this. Who are you thinking of casting for Peter? I love that he has two dads and Sasha you can imagine this in you’re head and you definitely can see the controversy and interest this subject will bring. I like all the imagery we get that matches the voice over. I’m not sure if four pages of voice over is too much or not though you may want to condense it because at the fourth page I was wondering if the whole thing would be in voice over. Just something to think about. I think the scene between the two guys is great. Definitely can see that happening in real life and I love how nervous he is. Great romantic comedy feel but definitely not cheesy. I love how life is against peter however, it may seem a bit clichÈ. I like this though definitely something everyone can relate to. Great job
pg 6 - It'd be funny if the blind date's name was something extremely similar to Peter or Collin - like Petra or Calyn (the boys names are hard to match, but you get the point)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the introduction, the pictures and all - I thought that was great, but you kind of lost me after that. Aside from the date not being horrible, I don't really see the motivation here for Peter - why does he want to keep trying with Caitlin if he thinks he's screwed it up? I mean it would be understandable if there was something about her that he really liked or if they had this awesome connection, but as it is now, they agree on a few things and that's kind of it - there's nothing really striking about her and I think there needs to be. She just comes off as this pretty lame girl that Peter only finds 'cool' because she's hot. Nothing about the two of them together really fits - she's a club promoter who clearly blows through dudes and he's a writer who takes relationships seriously - I don't see the connection between them. I think she needs to do something, and just like a normal thing for her, but something that stands out with Peter that makes him want to fight for her - and her being clumsy isn't enough - it can't be a flaw of hers, it has to be something really neat and original about her.
Proofread!
ReplyDeleteI really do like the build up at the beginning as it sets up the story for a lot of potential pitfalls, but like many others have said, I feel there's actually very little conflict, at least, to warrant 22 pages. A big problem could be because you choose to play this out, for the most part, in real time. Maybe if we get to see them on multiple dates and various awkward situations come up. I would like to see the whole gay dads have an actual effect on the character. Maybe he knows more about dresses than his date would care to know.
There's a lot of potential here, but a lot of missed opportunities as well.
Hey Buddy,
ReplyDeleteFinally got it too open... thoughts are below:
Page 1 - Caitlin should be in CAPS
Page 2 - Typo: "I was raised*..."
Page 3 - Typo: "A picture* of Peter..."
Page 4 - Typo: "... Tanya and PETER going at it*..."
Page 4 - I think you should change it to "On this here* embarrassing date" versus "on this now", as it sounds a lot more proper.
Page 5 - Typo: "He* takes a deep breath..."
Page 5 - Typo: I am assuming it is supposed to say "Do you really need/ want* your balls?"
Page 7: The whole page reads kind of clunky and awkward... but I like what you have there. You need to put in some quotation marks (around Go-To's for instance) and ...'s to break it up more and make it read more natural
Page 8 - Typo: "He hands her the wine as* they walk into..."
Page 8 - You should say "It would help with the nerves." not "It would help with some nerves."
Page 8 - Typo: "She nods and looks* at Peter..."
Page 8 - You need to lose the action of "Peter is about to say no when he looks at...", as that doesnt read on screen. Just say something like "Peter looks to Collin".
Page 10 - Spelling: It should be "Nice to me you too*"
Page 11 - Grammar: "She looks at Peter,* and then down at the table"
Page 12 - You don't need the line "Collin and Becca, who have both been watching this jump in", as it's more of a dialogue action. Just have Becca's line of "Oh yeah! Pete is hilarious" there and put (interrupting).
Page 12 - You have a lot of going back and forth between active and passive voice (throughout the script), like the line "Peter is getting nervous". The script should be in active voice, so it should look like "Peter is nervous." You need to go through and keep your eyes peeled for this kind of writing.
Page 12 - Spelling: (Pease)?
Page 13 - The line "Empty plates litter the table. Two empty bottles of wine sit on the table" reads weird, it should say "Empty plates and wine bottles litter the table" (bad example!)
Page 13 - Typo: "God, that was* when I... I actually got to meet* them a couple years ago"
Page 15 - The "Colin waives the waiter over. He walks over" line reads weird... combine the two.
Page 15 - Typo: "Now shut up. They're* coming back"
Page 16 - "He looks blank" line reads weird.
Page 17 - Typo: "... another guy walks and* starts talking..."
Page 17 - You repeat "Sorry about that..." twice with both Caitlin and Becca's lines. Make on just a plain ole' "Sorry"
Page 18 - Typo: "...and Becca* comes back..."
Page 21 - Typo: "It was nice to meet you too*"
What happened to Lake Michigan? I liked that scene more then the bedroom... if your shooting in Chicago, you have no choice but to get that shot in there. No excuses!
I liked it... it was funny and kind of quirky. I feel like that ending was a bit tacked on though... like it was rushed or something. I dont know if thats the case or not.
You need to go back through the whole script and look for that active/ passive voice thing I mentioned earlier as it is a bit distracting. Good job though!