I like the feel of the story. Its not too over the top with the fantasy bits, but they help build the story and relationship between the father and son. I think it helps when the fantasy world isn't so extravagant that it distracts from the real story.
Its very realistic with the relationship with the mother and son. The dialogue helps to strengthen that relationship.
I liked how the ending was the family being reunited, but we don't really see the outcome. It gives it a feeling of conclusion to being separated but not the the whole relationship. It leaves you wanting more.
This is a great script! The first two pages with the narration really lock you in. Good choice on the name David. I really like the relationship that Sam and Alex have. Very believable and honest. Also, in the flashback scenes, David and Sam's relationship is written perfectly. It's playful, it's loving, it's happiness, which comes across very clearly. The dialogue in the entire piece is very realistic. You said you don't plan to keep it as long as it is. Do you know what you're going to cut? I don't even know what to recommend to cut because I liked it all, especially when David and Alex race. One thing that doesn't sit right with me is Sam's last line...don't fuck this up...it might just be me, but it doesn't seem necessary. All in all, this has come a long way! Looking forward to more buddy!
This is really good, completely different from your original idea and I think for the best. This film will be awesome showing the relationships between the characters moves the story very well. I actually liked how the story ended, it left a little bit of mystery but still gives the audience enough information to sum up what is going to happen. I would like to see the next draft shortened a little like you said you are going to do in the preface.
I really like the beginning! Very cool- though I am a little worried how you are going to accomplish the people going back and forth between the paintings. Green screen I presume? I'm interested to see how you will do this!!!!! and excited. You will have a lot of locations for the beginning, just keep that in mind (obviously I think you know this)
I really like how this story turned out! Totally different that what I thought it was going to be! I think that you can have a lot of fun with this with cinematography and such!!!!
I can't really comment as I'm a writer on this project, so I'm more about taking in all this feedback too. But we'll be in talks as Jen and I go through super duper revisions and do stuff like add epic dragon battles. I mean....wait, what?
Holy shit Nick, this is the Everest of student films! Very ambitious.
And that's a compliment!
First of all, I love how you use the realm of fantasy to serve the story and give it a supernatural feel. I greatly admired the narration (I don't know why but I was thinking of Pan's Labyrinth) and it completely sets the tone for the rest of the film (It had a very story book feel to it). Infusing painting and drawings into human emotions and interactions is a wonderful thought provoking concept!
Little Things: I wouldn't exactly call a kid meditating in class as disruptive. Perhaps the teacher and principal are worried he isn't paying attention or zoning out? Maybe his grades are being affected?
Also the ending does leave you wanting more but I feel as if it could have ended on a more bittersweet note. I also felt it could have been fleshed out more and I was expecting more between Sam and David. However it is by no means a bad ending.
Yes, forgot to add this to the title page everyone - I'm working with Chris Meyers and Jen Winterbotham on this script. Not that that should change anyone's feedback at all, just want to give credit where its due.
And simply since a decent amount of you have shown interest in the opening scene (I'm giddy to make it better in future drafts and eventually shoot it), take a look at this clip if you want to get a good feel at what I'm aiming for. It's the opening of Lady In The Water.
I thought I posted a comment on here on Saturday, but apparently it never stayed up here.
Basically, awesome first draft. I really like the new storyline and the way you present everything upfront. The beginning, middle, and end kept me engaged the whole time.
I really love the little boy, he is so mature and yet innocent. Great character development. This is like August Rush meets Across the Universe. Very cool.
The color choices are perfect. I really like how you are already setting this story up to be told through other techniques besides dialogue.
Just curious, who is your demographic/target audience?
Also, I watched that youtube clip, cool choice. I can definitely sense what you are going for here. Are you editing your own piece? I am sure you can pull all of this off, it will be a great calling card.
Nick as we talked about today I see where the story is going and I can see you bringing this to life. I enjoy it being a journey for the father and son and how they communicate through their drawings. We talked about how you could pull off some of these shots without making it difficult but that may be a tad to early to discuss.
I'm curious to see what parts should be cut from the first draft at our meeting tomorrow.
I like the feel of the story. Its not too over the top with the fantasy bits, but they help build the story and relationship between the father and son. I think it helps when the fantasy world isn't so extravagant that it distracts from the real story.
ReplyDeleteIts very realistic with the relationship with the mother and son. The dialogue helps to strengthen that relationship.
I liked how the ending was the family being reunited, but we don't really see the outcome. It gives it a feeling of conclusion to being separated but not the the whole relationship. It leaves you wanting more.
This is a great script! The first two pages with the narration really lock you in. Good choice on the name David. I really like the relationship that Sam and Alex have. Very believable and honest. Also, in the flashback scenes, David and Sam's relationship is written perfectly. It's playful, it's loving, it's happiness, which comes across very clearly. The dialogue in the entire piece is very realistic. You said you don't plan to keep it as long as it is. Do you know what you're going to cut? I don't even know what to recommend to cut because I liked it all, especially when David and Alex race. One thing that doesn't sit right with me is Sam's last line...don't fuck this up...it might just be me, but it doesn't seem necessary. All in all, this has come a long way! Looking forward to more buddy!
ReplyDeleteThis is really good, completely different from your original idea and I think for the best. This film will be awesome showing the relationships between the characters moves the story very well. I actually liked how the story ended, it left a little bit of mystery but still gives the audience enough information to sum up what is going to happen. I would like to see the next draft shortened a little like you said you are going to do in the preface.
ReplyDeleteI really like the beginning! Very cool- though I am a little worried how you are going to accomplish the people going back and forth between the paintings. Green screen I presume? I'm interested to see how you will do this!!!!! and excited. You will have a lot of locations for the beginning, just keep that in mind (obviously I think you know this)
ReplyDeleteI really like how this story turned out! Totally different that what I thought it was going to be! I think that you can have a lot of fun with this with cinematography and such!!!!
What exactly are you thinking of cutting?
I'm really liking how this first draft is going.
ReplyDeleteI can't really comment as I'm a writer on this project, so I'm more about taking in all this feedback too. But we'll be in talks as Jen and I go through super duper revisions and do stuff like add epic dragon battles. I mean....wait, what?
But yeah. We'll be in talks Mr. Ramirez.
Holy shit Nick, this is the Everest of student films! Very ambitious.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a compliment!
First of all, I love how you use the realm of fantasy to serve the story and give it a supernatural feel. I greatly admired the narration (I don't know why but I was thinking of Pan's Labyrinth) and it completely sets the tone for the rest of the film (It had a very story book feel to it). Infusing painting and drawings into human emotions and interactions is a wonderful thought provoking concept!
Little Things:
I wouldn't exactly call a kid meditating in class as disruptive. Perhaps the teacher and principal are worried he isn't paying attention or zoning out? Maybe his grades are being affected?
Also the ending does leave you wanting more but I feel as if it could have ended on a more bittersweet note. I also felt it could have been fleshed out more and I was expecting more between Sam and David. However it is by no means a bad ending.
Yes, forgot to add this to the title page everyone - I'm working with Chris Meyers and Jen Winterbotham on this script. Not that that should change anyone's feedback at all, just want to give credit where its due.
ReplyDeleteAnd simply since a decent amount of you have shown interest in the opening scene (I'm giddy to make it better in future drafts and eventually shoot it), take a look at this clip if you want to get a good feel at what I'm aiming for. It's the opening of Lady In The Water.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH7r5ThIw5Y
I thought I posted a comment on here on Saturday, but apparently it never stayed up here.
ReplyDeleteBasically, awesome first draft. I really like the new storyline and the way you present everything upfront. The beginning, middle, and end kept me engaged the whole time.
I really love the little boy, he is so mature and yet innocent. Great character development. This is like August Rush meets Across the Universe. Very cool.
The color choices are perfect. I really like how you are already setting this story up to be told through other techniques besides dialogue.
Just curious, who is your demographic/target audience?
Also, I watched that youtube clip, cool choice. I can definitely sense what you are going for here. Are you editing your own piece? I am sure you can pull all of this off, it will be a great calling card.
Nick as we talked about today I see where the story is going and I can see you bringing this to life. I enjoy it being a journey for the father and son and how they communicate through their drawings. We talked about how you could pull off some of these shots without making it difficult but that may be a tad to early to discuss.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to see what parts should be cut from the first draft at our meeting tomorrow.