I really like how you have Denny and his entourage pray before the act. Also I like how you intercut his interview of him saying he likes to be religious to his line of “I’m about to go and tear the ass out of this mother fucker” This always gets people laughing when what people say is completely opposite of what they do. I like the flash back to his younger years, I think this would be good if it were a stationary camera as if for the class they were doing this assignment and then were filmed doing it so they could watch. I remember having that done in high school. I think it would be more “realistic”. With the part of Matt going to the site where the sitcom was is a bit iffy. Unless the show was just cancelled I don’t think there would be much of a set. Maybe visually you’ll show that the set is empty but just checking. Now how are you going to do the “Living Dirty” scene on page 8? Not sure what you want to portray in that scene. I like that he has some ridiculous ideas for his CD. The reading of the reviews I think can be really good and funny there just needs to be the right timing. So you need some natural actors and comedians who will know the natural breaks and such. Definitely love the addition of the child at the end and his muffin joke (one of my favorite jokes haha) I like the ending of the piece that the child made him come back to reality and grounded him. Very good script couple things could be tweaked but overall good work ☺
Hey Jarrod, Just finished reading your “stuff’… I’ve attached my thoughts/ comments about BOTH deliverables below.
Script:
- I felt that Matt’s 1st V.O. is too long… but I like what kind of point/ message you are trying to bring across to the reader. It’s a funny concept, and just needs to be “squeezed” down a bit. - I am assuming that the titles in blue mean that they are the newest editions to the draft, but if that’s the case, why do you have a bunch of lines/ paragraphs that are crossed out. Get rid of them, as they re distracting to the reader. - For your list of comedic greats who made the “leap” to TV/ films, I think you should have better and more successful comedians… what about Seinfeld, Dennis Miller, George Carlin, etc. (unless you are making a joke about how shitty these guys are). - The line “Denny’s disappointment turns into an eerie indifference” (Page 16) confuses the shit out of me. Change it to something more straightforward - How are you going to show Matt going through all the other magazines and finds out that “Giggle Fest Daily” had the nicest one? You need something far less complicated… just have Denny only be able to find like one or two magazines that actually reviewed it, and then have him say something like “other magazines marketer’s must be slow or something” to make up for his initial confidence. - Page 18 – LEEROY JENNNKINNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Journal/ General:
- I thought it was funny at just how different your two picks for Matt were (Own Wilson and Danny McBride)
- You have some goods notes/ thoughts on the basics for this film (casting/ clothing/ cinematography/ editing/ etc.), but your Journal was only like 25 pages, and I feel like you should throw more detail in there.
- Did you ever get around to watching EXTRAS? I think it would really give you some insight into the character’s of this film, although seem to have much better grasp on them this time over last draft.
i also enjoyed the flashbacks of denny, i believe there is a section in the script where the two guys are in the memorabilia room, and this is probably back in the present, right? just wanted to make sure.
a section shortly after that, matt says "denny has accomplished a lot already.." is he speaking to the audience? is he standing next to denny at this moment? this is just something that stuck out to me as being a little odd.
when the guys are reading the papers to check out the reviews and it says giggle fest daily's review was the best, it might be funny to actual show the review, and they can say how much they thought it sucked but in a nicer way, would still be funny if it was something crazy.
i would like to see a stronger ending, what happens to denny? you might want to consider having him back at his old haunts making people laugh the way he used to. are you wanting him to turn around and be a mega hit? or is this more about doing what you love because it makes you happy? i think an ending scene would really help spell this out for everyone
You've got some really great stuff here. I like the idea of going back and forth between interviewing and story. It's a good set up and reminds me of Spinal Tap. I like the group prayer then Denny curses afterwords. Opposites are funny. The flashback is good. I like how we get to see who the guys were back in high school. The fish joke is good. I'm not buying the fact that Denny doesn't know about Matt's son since its been 12 years. Maybe if you said 3 or 4 years then it could work. The child's muffin joke was the best joke ever! That's funny! I think the ending would work better if you had their lines in VOs and had them doing their "back to basics" things. Like setting up for an upcoming show or something like that, ya know? Overall, this was really well done. Nice work.
Some of the dialogue bugs me in the script. Mostly in the beginning with Matt's opening. First of he says "you know" so many times I wanna slap him. Though I know that some people do talk like that, you know? ;) But aside from that, some of it just feels a little stiff, and not how people really talk...
"Denny’s got a vision and, you know, we’re all kind of like a band of brothers, helping make his vision come true. His first CD “Mitts & Fiddles” was one of the top selling comedy albums of his time."
I think it sounds good if you're trying to make it sound like a scripted interview. If that is what you're going for, awesome! Then little things like not using contractions makes it sound a bit stiff.
But I like some of the other stuff cause it catches me off guard. Like when Denny makes the joke about the plunger/cat and the guy starts choking. At first I thought it was kinda weird, but then Matt says "Three people were hospitalized that night." That made me laugh!
I would add more actions of what Matt and Denny are doing. Just so you can get more of a certain visual of what you specifically want them doing ( more in the beginning/middle).
Love the addition of the interview. I feel it brings the audience back into the film, being more involved first hand with the character
on page 17, it might be funnier if Denny was just walking down the road aimlessly instead of driving. He is in a state of not caring and feels hopeless so it might just amplify that. Just a suggestion.
Also, on 17- Matt says "Matt disappeared for 2 weeks"- should be Denny? (I don't think Matt is talking in 3rd person hah)
With the kid joke of Denny not knowing about the kid- maybe slip something in the interview later. Have them arguing that Denny didn't know he had a kid. Say that Matt only gets to see him so often (maybe from a divorce) to make it more believable.
And the joke the kid uses on page 19- OMG that is my favorite joke I always tell! Everytime!!! Thank you for using it, it is a genius joke (note: I obviously did not make this joke up). I'm glad you think it is funny as well
I think you got a nice solid script here! You might already have plans to shoot this, but definitely make the flashbacks feel as if they're being filmed in that time. Since it is a mockumentary, it'll add a nice realism to it all.
I know it's already long enough, but I feel that Denny's struggle could go on for a little longer. Maybe read more reviews out loud, show the whole world turning on him. Or add more attempts to get him back into the game. His depressed mood happens too briefly near the end that when the kid picks up his spirits, I don't feel Denny's epiphany moment.
Good stuff over all, and looking forward to seeing more of it!
Overall, real solid. I think you definitely have the brickwork laid here for something really different and funny than what people are generally used to. As I read it, I feel that a lot of this film's personality is going to have to be brought out through your stylistic approach - everything from how it looks to how it's cut. In short, I feel like if you just shot and cut this EXACTLY the way the script reads, you'd still have something good but it would be too similar to all the other mockumentaries out there and, ultimately, you'd fall short of something better than just good.
I'm wondering if we spend just a bit too much time early on establishing Denny and his story. You've done a good job with it, I just think it can be shorter. On the other end of the spectrum, as it still states at the top of your script, the ending is rushed. If you decided to maybe cut down some of the exposition then you can free up some time for the end. The way you've got it is great, with the kid telling the joke, real touching. There's just one more piece missing that A) will make the ending not feel so rushed and B) make it feel truly complete. I think you can find it, it's just a matter of figuring it out.
Now that I think a bit more, when I say cut stuff form the beginning I almost want to take that back. The final product? Yes, that exposition could be shorter. Your script/blueprint for shooting? I think you could leave this long with some extra fluff in there. This is a mockumentary, so why not shoot it like a true documentary? With plenty of footage and scenes and improve to work with when it comes to post. Just a thought, obviously depends on your scheduling and preproduction within the next semester and a half.
That's all I got for now, good stuff, see ya in class!
I like what your going for here, I just think you need to make Denny funnier.
Maybe you could have more of him in his stand-up routine? It just doesn't seem plausible that he could have a television show or be an opening act for the Superbowl when we haven't really heard how funny he is. I mean we've heard snippets, but I don't think enough to believe he could have all this.
Apart from that, the ending does seem fitting for your message and ending on a heartfelt tone. I know you said you were working on this part, so I'll just wait to see what you do.
Jarrod- I thoroughly enjoyed this draft and felt that you made some very good omissions from the original draft that helps the dialogue flow a lot better. Loved the new dialogue on page 7, very funny. I’m excited to see how the sitcom scene turns out, How do you plan on shooting that? Overall, I think you got a great project here. Looking forward to seeing it come to fruition.
pg 1 - Since you have everyone lined up checking ID's, what if you have a few teenage like kids get turned away/have an ordeal with the bouncer about fakes (all silent of course, just a background thing) that way you could show that Denny is that much more popular.
pg 8 - INT. SET OF 'LIVING DIRTY' - DAY - Is this a flashback? If so, what is the scene being played out and what is the dialogue? And and, you should play with the audience's reaction here in addition to the canned laughter to show that Denny's career is going downhill.
pg 8 - With the cult following in Japan, I'd like to see Denny having to do something to specifically appease his Japanese audience. Show him being miserable doing it and obviously still make it comical.
pg 9 - I love that we're getting a reaction from Matt with the waitress getting slapped - I think it'll play nicely.
pg 14 - Ok, I get the Superbowl tie in because Adam wants you to have a specific goal for Denny, but I think it would be better to have it be something that ties in with his online role playing games, like they have a convention or something and it's the biggest convention for that kind of stuff that there is - as it is now I understand that there's a huge audience for the Superbowl, but I need to see that Denny has some sort of remote interest in sports to go along with that, and I mean, that can even be shown through set dressing or something, I just think it would be better if he had some sort of personal connection to wherever he was going to perform - it would make it that much more important for him.
pg 15 - Matt says "It's 6-O-fucking-clock in the morning" - I don't think he'd be complaining about it - the way I'm reading his character right now is that he basically lives for Denny - he's completely devoted and goes along with every single thing that Denny says. Why do I think this? Because Matt doesn't really have a character - I don't know anything about him, all I ever hear him talk about is Denny. He needs something personal, or at least some opinions here and there about the things Denny does (meaning I need to see him not agreeing with the way Denny handles a situation but go along with it anyway). Also, this isn't the right spot, but I need to bring it up - Matt is Denny's manager right? When you first introduce these characters, we need to be told who they are, what they look like, how they carry themselves, etc...
pg 17 - The idea of a pizza tab is hilarious.
FJ - Ahh yes, Matt is the manager - does still need to be clear in the actual script though.
The production design section - Love that poker picture, think you should stick with colors/lighting like that - yeah it's a mockumentary, but like Nick said, you need to give it something to stand out from the rest of them - this will look much nicer than the 'crappy' look that most of them have and it fits the comedy club feel.
Pg1 - you should find a way to show that Denny is super popular. Right now, in my head, it's just a calm line of people coming in. There should be people getting turned away or people scalping tickets. Something to up the anty.
Pg3 - So far, I guess I'm just not intrigued. Maybe it's too early, but I feel like there should be some sense of alarm or some sort of a hardship that should at least start to peak it's head. Like, I'm not entirely sure what the movie is about other than a comedian. For whatever reason I'm just connecting with it so far.
Maybe you start with something showing him in tatters or some sort of situation totally different from his glory days, which we see in the beginning. Maybe just a glimpse of the after math of his fall from grace.
Pg4 - The voiceover in the highschool seems like the beginning of a movie, opposed to 4 pages in
8 pages in - I'm still not sure what it is that's happening. Like you have the surface of the comedian...just the comedian but it seems like you're going for the real life of a comedian behind the comedy. Maybe show more of his real life and contrast it.
Also. Is this a drama or a comedy, because right now it's reading to me like a drama.
You need more scenes of real time situations actually panning out opposed to just voice over giving the low down.
Pg11 - YOU SUCKKKK. This is the first real time where there's some urgency and real bad shit happening in his life. I think you need to establish this much earlier. And play with your highs and lows structurally.
Your ending seems like too much of a wrap up. And over all I don't see this as a comedy. I think you should go the tragic route. Show the unfunny life of a comedian, contrasting the funny with things going the opposite of how one would interpret a comedians life. To me, right now, the dramatic aspect of this script is coming out a lot more than the funny aspect.
spinal tap meets happy people? nice. Although after reading your journal this sounds a LOT, almost too much, like Happy People. i did not like happy people, i think going with the type of character in spinal tap would be a better route.
glad you made it a bit shorter and thank you so much for writing in revision mode
pg. 3 i agree with the comments the prayer scene does not seem believable to me, maybe if they had a funny statue or idol they prayed to instead of god, like a dead comedian, it would make it funnier and more realistic.
Pg 4 maybe im old fashioned but i dont get the cookies and milk line? is that a sex joke? is the audience supposed to be wondering what the hell he is talking about?
seems like the interview element is taken more from spinal tap. these portions seem funnier
pg8 do you mean the "beginning of the end" of his career?
pg17 it should say "denny disappeared" and like in the beginning if he "believes in a higher power" why not pray before his cd comes out? it just does not seem like a big enough element in this script
at the end i like how the kid essentially saves him
I'm digging this draft a lot more especially because of the added ending. I think you're on the right track as far as that goes, and with a little more tweaking you can make it a really nice moment between Denny and the kid.
Kill that last sentence in the last line. Too on the nose.
I agree with Sandra about the ya'knows... That bothered me about the Matt character.
Also I agree with Chris Meyers about upping Denny's popularity level from the get go. It sets him up much higher for when he falls.
I think this is going to be good man when you finish hammering it out.
Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you have Denny and his entourage pray before the act. Also I like how you intercut his interview of him saying he likes to be religious to his line of “I’m about to go and tear the ass out of this mother fucker” This always gets people laughing when what people say is completely opposite of what they do. I like the flash back to his younger years, I think this would be good if it were a stationary camera as if for the class they were doing this assignment and then were filmed doing it so they could watch. I remember having that done in high school. I think it would be more “realistic”. With the part of Matt going to the site where the sitcom was is a bit iffy. Unless the show was just cancelled I don’t think there would be much of a set. Maybe visually you’ll show that the set is empty but just checking. Now how are you going to do the “Living Dirty” scene on page 8? Not sure what you want to portray in that scene. I like that he has some ridiculous ideas for his CD. The reading of the reviews I think can be really good and funny there just needs to be the right timing. So you need some natural actors and comedians who will know the natural breaks and such. Definitely love the addition of the child at the end and his muffin joke (one of my favorite jokes haha) I like the ending of the piece that the child made him come back to reality and grounded him. Very good script couple things could be tweaked but overall good work ☺
Hey Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteJust finished reading your “stuff’… I’ve attached my thoughts/ comments about BOTH deliverables below.
Script:
- I felt that Matt’s 1st V.O. is too long… but I like what kind of point/ message you are trying to bring across to the reader. It’s a funny concept, and just needs to be “squeezed” down a bit.
- I am assuming that the titles in blue mean that they are the newest editions to the draft, but if that’s the case, why do you have a bunch of lines/ paragraphs that are crossed out. Get rid of them, as they re distracting to the reader.
- For your list of comedic greats who made the “leap” to TV/ films, I think you should have better and more successful comedians… what about Seinfeld, Dennis Miller, George Carlin, etc. (unless you are making a joke about how shitty these guys are).
- The line “Denny’s disappointment turns into an eerie indifference” (Page 16) confuses the shit out of me. Change it to something more straightforward
- How are you going to show Matt going through all the other magazines and finds out that “Giggle Fest Daily” had the nicest one? You need something far less complicated… just have Denny only be able to find like one or two magazines that actually reviewed it, and then have him say something like “other magazines marketer’s must be slow or something” to make up for his initial confidence.
- Page 18 – LEEROY JENNNKINNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Journal/ General:
- I thought it was funny at just how different your two picks for Matt were (Own Wilson and Danny McBride)
- You have some goods notes/ thoughts on the basics for this film (casting/ clothing/ cinematography/ editing/ etc.), but your Journal was only like 25 pages, and I feel like you should throw more detail in there.
- Did you ever get around to watching EXTRAS? I think it would really give you some insight into the character’s of this film, although seem to have much better grasp on them this time over last draft.
hey!
ReplyDeletei also enjoyed the flashbacks of denny, i believe there is a section in the script where the two guys are in the memorabilia room, and this is probably back in the present, right? just wanted to make sure.
a section shortly after that, matt says "denny has accomplished a lot already.." is he speaking to the audience? is he standing next to denny at this moment? this is just something that stuck out to me as being a little odd.
when the guys are reading the papers to check out the reviews and it says giggle fest daily's review was the best, it might be funny to actual show the review, and they can say how much they thought it sucked but in a nicer way, would still be funny if it was something crazy.
i would like to see a stronger ending, what happens to denny? you might want to consider having him back at his old haunts making people laugh the way he used to. are you wanting him to turn around and be a mega hit? or is this more about doing what you love because it makes you happy? i think an ending scene would really help spell this out for everyone
Hey Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteYou've got some really great stuff here. I like the idea of going back and forth between interviewing and story. It's a good set up and reminds me of Spinal Tap. I like the group prayer then Denny curses afterwords. Opposites are funny. The flashback is good. I like how we get to see who the guys were back in high school. The fish joke is good. I'm not buying the fact that Denny doesn't know about Matt's son since its been 12 years. Maybe if you said 3 or 4 years then it could work. The child's muffin joke was the best joke ever! That's funny! I think the ending would work better if you had their lines in VOs and had them doing their "back to basics" things. Like setting up for an upcoming show or something like that, ya know? Overall, this was really well done. Nice work.
Hola Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteSome of the dialogue bugs me in the script. Mostly in the beginning with Matt's opening. First of he says "you know" so many times I wanna slap him. Though I know that some people do talk like that, you know? ;) But aside from that, some of it just feels a little stiff, and not how people really talk...
"Denny’s got a vision and, you know, we’re all kind of like a band of brothers, helping make his vision come true. His first CD “Mitts & Fiddles” was one of the top selling comedy albums of his time."
I think it sounds good if you're trying to make it sound like a scripted interview. If that is what you're going for, awesome!
Then little things like not using contractions makes it sound a bit stiff.
But I like some of the other stuff cause it catches me off guard. Like when Denny makes the joke about the plunger/cat and the guy starts choking. At first I thought it was kinda weird, but then Matt says "Three people were hospitalized that night." That made me laugh!
Good stuff you got going here! Keep it up!
Jarroddddddddd
ReplyDeletelove your stuff here sir!!!
I would add more actions of what Matt and Denny are doing. Just so you can get more of a certain visual of what you specifically want them doing ( more in the beginning/middle).
Love the addition of the interview. I feel it brings the audience back into the film, being more involved first hand with the character
on page 17, it might be funnier if Denny was just walking down the road aimlessly instead of driving. He is in a state of not caring and feels hopeless so it might just amplify that. Just a suggestion.
Also, on 17- Matt says "Matt disappeared for 2 weeks"- should be Denny? (I don't think Matt is talking in 3rd person hah)
With the kid joke of Denny not knowing about the kid- maybe slip something in the interview later. Have them arguing that Denny didn't know he had a kid. Say that Matt only gets to see him so often (maybe from a divorce) to make it more believable.
And the joke the kid uses on page 19- OMG that is my favorite joke I always tell! Everytime!!! Thank you for using it, it is a genius joke (note: I obviously did not make this joke up). I'm glad you think it is funny as well
Can't wait to see the final script!!!!!! :D
I think you got a nice solid script here! You might already have plans to shoot this, but definitely make the flashbacks feel as if they're being filmed in that time. Since it is a mockumentary, it'll add a nice realism to it all.
ReplyDeleteI know it's already long enough, but I feel that Denny's struggle could go on for a little longer. Maybe read more reviews out loud, show the whole world turning on him. Or add more attempts to get him back into the game. His depressed mood happens too briefly near the end that when the kid picks up his spirits, I don't feel Denny's epiphany moment.
Good stuff over all, and looking forward to seeing more of it!
Hey man -
ReplyDeleteOverall, real solid. I think you definitely have the brickwork laid here for something really different and funny than what people are generally used to. As I read it, I feel that a lot of this film's personality is going to have to be brought out through your stylistic approach - everything from how it looks to how it's cut. In short, I feel like if you just shot and cut this EXACTLY the way the script reads, you'd still have something good but it would be too similar to all the other mockumentaries out there and, ultimately, you'd fall short of something better than just good.
I'm wondering if we spend just a bit too much time early on establishing Denny and his story. You've done a good job with it, I just think it can be shorter. On the other end of the spectrum, as it still states at the top of your script, the ending is rushed. If you decided to maybe cut down some of the exposition then you can free up some time for the end. The way you've got it is great, with the kid telling the joke, real touching. There's just one more piece missing that A) will make the ending not feel so rushed and B) make it feel truly complete. I think you can find it, it's just a matter of figuring it out.
Now that I think a bit more, when I say cut stuff form the beginning I almost want to take that back. The final product? Yes, that exposition could be shorter. Your script/blueprint for shooting? I think you could leave this long with some extra fluff in there. This is a mockumentary, so why not shoot it like a true documentary? With plenty of footage and scenes and improve to work with when it comes to post. Just a thought, obviously depends on your scheduling and preproduction within the next semester and a half.
That's all I got for now, good stuff, see ya in class!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Jarrod,
ReplyDeleteI like what your going for here, I just think you need to make Denny funnier.
Maybe you could have more of him in his stand-up routine? It just doesn't seem plausible that he could have a television show or be an opening act for the Superbowl when we haven't really heard how funny he is. I mean we've heard snippets, but I don't think enough to believe he could have all this.
Apart from that, the ending does seem fitting for your message and ending on a heartfelt tone. I know you said you were working on this part, so I'll just wait to see what you do.
Overall, its looking good.
Jarrod-
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed this draft and felt that you made some very good omissions from the original draft that helps the dialogue flow a lot better. Loved the new dialogue on page 7, very funny. I’m excited to see how the sitcom scene turns out, How do you plan on shooting that?
Overall, I think you got a great project here. Looking forward to seeing it come to fruition.
Good stuff, agree with most people. I think you have a typo on page 17
ReplyDeleteMATT
Matt disappeared for about 2 weeks.
He’d call to have me order him a...
I think you meant to write Denny instead of Matt there. I honestly like it the way it is loves the added ending.
pg 1 - Since you have everyone lined up checking ID's, what if you have a few teenage like kids get turned away/have an ordeal with the bouncer about fakes (all silent of course, just a background thing) that way you could show that Denny is that much more popular.
ReplyDeletepg 8 - INT. SET OF 'LIVING DIRTY' - DAY - Is this a flashback? If so, what is the scene being played out and what is the dialogue? And and, you should play with the audience's reaction here in addition to the canned laughter to show that Denny's career is going downhill.
pg 8 - With the cult following in Japan, I'd like to see Denny having to do something to specifically appease his Japanese audience. Show him being miserable doing it and obviously still make it comical.
pg 9 - I love that we're getting a reaction from Matt with the waitress getting slapped - I think it'll play nicely.
pg 14 - Ok, I get the Superbowl tie in because Adam wants you to have a specific goal for Denny, but I think it would be better to have it be something that ties in with his online role playing games, like they have a convention or something and it's the biggest convention for that kind of stuff that there is - as it is now I understand that there's a huge audience for the Superbowl, but I need to see that Denny has some sort of remote interest in sports to go along with that, and I mean, that can even be shown through set dressing or something, I just think it would be better if he had some sort of personal connection to wherever he was going to perform - it would make it that much more important for him.
pg 15 - Matt says "It's 6-O-fucking-clock in the morning" - I don't think he'd be complaining about it - the way I'm reading his character right now is that he basically lives for Denny - he's completely devoted and goes along with every single thing that Denny says. Why do I think this? Because Matt doesn't really have a character - I don't know anything about him, all I ever hear him talk about is Denny. He needs something personal, or at least some opinions here and there about the things Denny does (meaning I need to see him not agreeing with the way Denny handles a situation but go along with it anyway). Also, this isn't the right spot, but I need to bring it up - Matt is Denny's manager right? When you first introduce these characters, we need to be told who they are, what they look like, how they carry themselves, etc...
pg 17 - The idea of a pizza tab is hilarious.
FJ - Ahh yes, Matt is the manager - does still need to be clear in the actual script though.
The production design section - Love that poker picture, think you should stick with colors/lighting like that - yeah it's a mockumentary, but like Nick said, you need to give it something to stand out from the rest of them - this will look much nicer than the 'crappy' look that most of them have and it fits the comedy club feel.
Pg1 - you should find a way to show that Denny is super popular. Right now, in my head, it's just a calm line of people coming in. There should be people getting turned away or people scalping tickets. Something to up the anty.
ReplyDeletePg3 - So far, I guess I'm just not intrigued. Maybe it's too early, but I feel like there should be some sense of alarm or some sort of a hardship that should at least start to peak it's head. Like, I'm not entirely sure what the movie is about other than a comedian. For whatever reason I'm just connecting with it so far.
Maybe you start with something showing him in tatters or some sort of situation totally different from his glory days, which we see in the beginning. Maybe just a glimpse of the after math of his fall from grace.
Pg4 - The voiceover in the highschool seems like the beginning of a movie, opposed to 4 pages in
8 pages in - I'm still not sure what it is that's happening. Like you have the surface of the comedian...just the comedian but it seems like you're going for the real life of a comedian behind the comedy. Maybe show more of his real life and contrast it.
Also. Is this a drama or a comedy, because right now it's reading to me like a drama.
You need more scenes of real time situations actually panning out opposed to just voice over giving the low down.
Pg11 - YOU SUCKKKK. This is the first real time where there's some urgency and real bad shit happening in his life. I think you need to establish this much earlier. And play with your highs and lows structurally.
Your ending seems like too much of a wrap up. And over all I don't see this as a comedy. I think you should go the tragic route. Show the unfunny life of a comedian, contrasting the funny with things going the opposite of how one would interpret a comedians life. To me, right now, the dramatic aspect of this script is coming out a lot more than the funny aspect.
spinal tap meets happy people? nice. Although after reading your journal this sounds a LOT, almost too much, like Happy People. i did not like happy people, i think going with the type of character in spinal tap would be a better route.
ReplyDeleteglad you made it a bit shorter and thank you so much for writing in revision mode
pg. 3 i agree with the comments the prayer scene does not seem believable to me, maybe if they had a funny statue or idol they prayed to instead of god, like a dead comedian, it would make it funnier and more realistic.
Pg 4 maybe im old fashioned but i dont get the cookies and milk line? is that a sex joke? is the audience supposed to be wondering what the hell he is talking about?
seems like the interview element is taken more from spinal tap. these portions seem funnier
ReplyDeletepg8 do you mean the "beginning of the end" of his career?
pg17 it should say "denny disappeared"
and like in the beginning if he "believes in a higher power" why not pray before his cd comes out? it just does not seem like a big enough element in this script
at the end i like how the kid essentially saves him
Hey Jerod,
ReplyDeleteI'm digging this draft a lot more especially because of the added ending. I think you're on the right track as far as that goes, and with a little more tweaking you can make it a really nice moment between Denny and the kid.
Kill that last sentence in the last line. Too on the nose.
I agree with Sandra about the ya'knows... That bothered me about the Matt character.
Also I agree with Chris Meyers about upping Denny's popularity level from the get go. It sets him up much higher for when he falls.
I think this is going to be good man when you finish hammering it out.
-David