Just got done reading your newest draft. Thanks for labeling the changes in bold; really helps distinguish what’s new and what’s not. I think that the changes you made were definitely for the better... although I must admit that I still am quite confused with some of the situations (all the fancy medical lingo puzzles my brain!).
I think that the new opening scene with Dr. Taylor & Dr. Lawrence really helps set up the rest of the story and some of the motivations behind that way the two act later on in the story. It was a nice addition!
Jennifer/ Thomas's relationship is much warmer now (which the addition of the little lines they have here and there, such as the dancing scene). I feel that they both care about each other a lot more in this draft, which makes it more important at the end of the story.
It’s important that we see Jennifer and Robert's operations side-by-side. It adds tension to the script, and makes it pretty emotional when Thomas finally finds out about his wife (even though the audience knew all along).
All in all, I would definitely say that this is quite an improvement over the last draft. I am a little confused here and there with all of the medical situations, but the characters are much more fleshed out, which helped me connect better to the story!
Pg1 - I'm just curious. Is the character speaking directly to the audience, breaking the fourth wall?
Pg2 - "Besides do you want to save his life or do you want to save him money?" Would a doctor really say this? It seems a little preachy and messagey to me. Is there a more subtle way to get this across in the dialogue?
Typo Pg2 you're should be your.
"run it passed" should be past
Avoid saying run twice in dr morgan taylor's line. say "come instead of "run" for that second useage.
Pg3 - "Well, the labs really didn't tell us so much" sounds awkward...i think this could be fixed by changed "so" to "too" - it'd make more grammatical sense
Pg4 -The line you added "Today if possible" does that ever happen? immediate surgeries?
Pg6 - Is the slang "Lordly" or "Lordy"
What's the time frame from the consult to the surgery? Is it ordinary for them to immediately do a surgery if it isn't life or death or an emergency? I don't know if I buy this. But also, I have no idea if this occurs or not.
Pg7 -First line is really message(y) and really direct. Is there a way to make it more subtle?
You have a really solid story here. I think the dialogue could use a little bit of smoothing over, but that's just my opinion. I really enjoyed the flow of the piece and was pretty invested. Intense ending. Big thing, you're gonna need good actors. Put in the wrong hands, many of these lines and situations could come off as really corny. Gonna be one hell of a project.
Just so it's easier to read, I think you should avoid using their whole name and title every time they come up in the script. Just mention once that they're Dr. So and So first time we meet, then use their first name or last name for the remainder of the script (except when appropriate like in dialogue).
I like the changes and additions you've made. The intensity really ramps up quicker and I felt a greater sense of urgency in the finale.
In regards to the final speech, it doesn't feel right if he's talking to Jen. As it stands now, the first half sounds like he's giving a speech at a memorial, or speaking internally. If that whole dialogue was switched over to a voice overs, it might sound just right for the situation.
Other than that, I really like how it's shaping up.
Good addition the new scene early on, it helps establish the circumstances quickly and does so well.
This is a really solid story, and a lot of it is going to rely on your actors' abilities and your directing for sure. At this stage, though, I still feel like some of the dialogue can be lessened in terms of how direct it is. Let them speak more in subtext/indirectness, too much of people saying exactly what they mean and feel is what'll make this feel phony. A minor note to the dialogue/action that could help - why is it every single time your characters are referred to you've decided on using their entire title (Dr. Morgan Taylor, Dr. Thomas Lawrence)? Only a few times in the actual dialogue is it repetitive (despite the hierarchy, wouldn't they still refer to each other more casually, at least "dr. [last name]"?). However, since throughout your entire script I'm reading their full names, I'm thinking that it's mostly just me getting tired of reading the same three words over and over.
One thing I wondered - when Jen is in the ER and Lawrence is operating on Robert, you wrote he gets a page. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding since I don't know the medical world at all, but I'm assuming a page as in like a pager? If this is the case, when he leaves and goes to the ER there's the moment of realization/seeing that Jen is the one in the ER missing. Right now, he gets the page, leaves, and by time he reaches the ER knows it's about Jen, when/how does he find out it's her and where's that moment? Again, maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by page.
At the very end, I'm assuming (hoping) Lawrence's short monologue is VO, right? You have CONT'D, but that's all, which makes me wonder if you're having him talk alone out loud or even break the fourth wall?
And with that last dialogue, I feel like it can either be cut in half (maybe end at "tonight is the first time I wish I hadn't") or possibly even cut it entirely. We know he's distraught, we know he let his last memories of Jen be of him not making her his priority, and we know he made a mistake and it sucks. So why say it when you can just let Lawrence break down and sit there, silently sobbing? I think it could maybe be much more powerful.
But still overall, looking good. This will be a challenge for sure but I'm excited to see ya do it. And this is better brought up in class, but I'm really curious on what your plans are with all the surgical action/visuals in terms of showing the actual surgeries and stuff that makes people go blleeehhhhh when they used to watch ER. Should be interesting!
pg 2 - 'pupils get larger' probably more likely that his eyes would widen
Dr. Ryan is an intern but is the same age as Dr. Lawrence? Lawrence should be older.
Sorry, I know I'm putting a lot of emphasis on age, but that's always one thing that takes me out of films and makes them look like student films to me, when the ages are completely off or all the same.
pg 5 - 'They are both really excited, but try not to show it' is Dr. Lawrence really that excited? He's a full fledged doctor, he's already been through a billion operations.
The character names - I know I mentioned it last time, but it's still a confusing thing for me when I read the script - they're just too similar. I'm sure it'll be fine visually though, if you don't change them.
By starting the camera on Jen in all of the flashbacks and then having Tom enter, the audience automatically knows somethings going to happen to Jen, not sure if you want them to know already or if you want it to be a total surprise.
pg 10 - Tom's been working with Dr. Morgan for two years, yet this is the first time he's gotten too close to a patient? I feel like something like that would happen earlier in his time at the hospital.
Pg 6. So glad you changed the couples play fight scene I definitely think this is more age appropriate and sounds a lot more realistic. Pg.15 I really like the way you intercut the two chaotic operating scenes. Very dramatic and gives those scenes that hectic chaotic feel they need. Pg 16. So I like that Tom cares about her more, however, I feel the effect that he was way too into his work has worn down a little bit. I liked that he didn’t leave his patient to go see his wife. I feel this added a lot to the story. It’s harsh and depressing but really gets your point across. I feel that you should put that back in and then at the end try and show Tom with more guilt.
Overall I think you did a great job with your revisions, you cleared a lot of parts up that needed to be fixed. Good job ☺
Page 4- Today if possible, sounds a little unrealistic. Maybe he can just say, "if it has spread, I want you to take it out right then, while I'm under"
Page 6- same concern as Chris, Lordly? or Lordy?
Page 7- When Dr. Taylor says "but you have gotten too close this time" it sounds a little cheesy, maybe she should say "but you have to be careful not to get too involved. I think you have already crossed that line with the Milani's. You too Dr. Lawrence" and then cut her continued line after that.
Page 12- Their fight seems a little soap opera-ish, was that what you wanted here?
I feel the tension in the finals scenes with Mr. Roth. Nice work. Also, another thing I agree with Chris on is the use of good actors. They will be critical to your story.
Hey Dominique- love the changes you made! I feel that the relationship between Jen and Tom is a lot more close and that they do care about each other. I can see that Jen and Tom really do want to make it work but they have different values.
I am a bit confused at the end- I feel when he finds out there should be a little more to this moment... more of a pause. It was too quick. Maybe he should lose completely all the color in his face and look up with a concern on his face and then run out! Also, I feel kinda dumb about this, but on pagers, can you read full txts? Sorry, not familiar with pagers. I feel that if someone paged him, he would just get word to come to another operating room (without knowing it was jen) OR get word that Jen is in trouble. In a hospital, I would think if they paged him, they would either tell him to come to the operating room without telling who it was so he doesn't freak out... Whoever is paging him would not want him to interfere with the surgery and tell him to race in. Just a thought. Maybe have him get paged that it is urgent about Jen, he runs out frantically looking for his doctor friend Ryan to tell him where she is. Ryan knows that he shouldn't tell him but he has to. (I hope this makes sense- I am running on 2 hours of sleep for the past 3 nights so words are not flowing out of me well haha sorry)
Also, I'm guessing Jen go into a car crash yes?
Other than that I feel the changes you made make the story much stronger and flow a lot better!!!! Gunna be INTENSE!!!!
I like the changes made. The flashbacks are good, it really shows how their relationship has slowly deteriorated and his work has taken over his life. Doing this makes the ending more believable, that this doctor would choose his patent over his own wife. Especially if his patient is the one who caused the accident with his wife. That was one thing I was wondering about. Was it Robert who ran a red light and hit Jennifer's car? That will definitely tug on some heartstrings.
I was a little confused trying to follow who was who, but I know a bunch of the other comments have already talked about that.
Hey Nikki,
ReplyDeleteJust got done reading your newest draft. Thanks for labeling the changes in bold; really helps distinguish what’s new and what’s not. I think that the changes you made were definitely for the better... although I must admit that I still am quite confused with some of the situations (all the fancy medical lingo puzzles my brain!).
I think that the new opening scene with Dr. Taylor & Dr. Lawrence really helps set up the rest of the story and some of the motivations behind that way the two act later on in the story. It was a nice addition!
Jennifer/ Thomas's relationship is much warmer now (which the addition of the little lines they have here and there, such as the dancing scene). I feel that they both care about each other a lot more in this draft, which makes it more important at the end of the story.
It’s important that we see Jennifer and Robert's operations side-by-side. It adds tension to the script, and makes it pretty emotional when Thomas finally finds out about his wife (even though the audience knew all along).
All in all, I would definitely say that this is quite an improvement over the last draft. I am a little confused here and there with all of the medical situations, but the characters are much more fleshed out, which helped me connect better to the story!
Pg1 - I'm just curious. Is the character speaking directly to the audience, breaking the fourth wall?
ReplyDeletePg2 - "Besides do you want to save his life or do you want to save him money?" Would a doctor really say this? It seems a little preachy and messagey to me. Is there a more subtle way to get this across in the dialogue?
Typo Pg2 you're should be your.
"run it passed" should be past
Avoid saying run twice in dr morgan taylor's line. say "come instead of "run" for that second useage.
Pg3 - "Well, the labs really didn't tell us so much" sounds awkward...i think this could be fixed by changed "so" to "too" - it'd make more grammatical sense
Pg4 -The line you added "Today if possible" does that ever happen? immediate surgeries?
Pg6 - Is the slang "Lordly" or "Lordy"
What's the time frame from the consult to the surgery? Is it ordinary for them to immediately do a surgery if it isn't life or death or an emergency? I don't know if I buy this. But also, I have no idea if this occurs or not.
Pg7 -First line is really message(y) and really direct. Is there a way to make it more subtle?
You have a really solid story here. I think the dialogue could use a little bit of smoothing over, but that's just my opinion. I really enjoyed the flow of the piece and was pretty invested. Intense ending. Big thing, you're gonna need good actors. Put in the wrong hands, many of these lines and situations could come off as really corny. Gonna be one hell of a project.
Just so it's easier to read, I think you should avoid using their whole name and title every time they come up in the script. Just mention once that they're Dr. So and So first time we meet, then use their first name or last name for the remainder of the script (except when appropriate like in dialogue).
ReplyDeleteI like the changes and additions you've made. The intensity really ramps up quicker and I felt a greater sense of urgency in the finale.
In regards to the final speech, it doesn't feel right if he's talking to Jen. As it stands now, the first half sounds like he's giving a speech at a memorial, or speaking internally. If that whole dialogue was switched over to a voice overs, it might sound just right for the situation.
Other than that, I really like how it's shaping up.
Good addition the new scene early on, it helps establish the circumstances quickly and does so well.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really solid story, and a lot of it is going to rely on your actors' abilities and your directing for sure. At this stage, though, I still feel like some of the dialogue can be lessened in terms of how direct it is. Let them speak more in subtext/indirectness, too much of people saying exactly what they mean and feel is what'll make this feel phony. A minor note to the dialogue/action that could help - why is it every single time your characters are referred to you've decided on using their entire title (Dr. Morgan Taylor, Dr. Thomas Lawrence)? Only a few times in the actual dialogue is it repetitive (despite the hierarchy, wouldn't they still refer to each other more casually, at least "dr. [last name]"?). However, since throughout your entire script I'm reading their full names, I'm thinking that it's mostly just me getting tired of reading the same three words over and over.
One thing I wondered - when Jen is in the ER and Lawrence is operating on Robert, you wrote he gets a page. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding since I don't know the medical world at all, but I'm assuming a page as in like a pager? If this is the case, when he leaves and goes to the ER there's the moment of realization/seeing that Jen is the one in the ER missing. Right now, he gets the page, leaves, and by time he reaches the ER knows it's about Jen, when/how does he find out it's her and where's that moment? Again, maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by page.
At the very end, I'm assuming (hoping) Lawrence's short monologue is VO, right? You have CONT'D, but that's all, which makes me wonder if you're having him talk alone out loud or even break the fourth wall?
And with that last dialogue, I feel like it can either be cut in half (maybe end at "tonight is the first time I wish I hadn't") or possibly even cut it entirely. We know he's distraught, we know he let his last memories of Jen be of him not making her his priority, and we know he made a mistake and it sucks. So why say it when you can just let Lawrence break down and sit there, silently sobbing? I think it could maybe be much more powerful.
But still overall, looking good. This will be a challenge for sure but I'm excited to see ya do it. And this is better brought up in class, but I'm really curious on what your plans are with all the surgical action/visuals in terms of showing the actual surgeries and stuff that makes people go blleeehhhhh when they used to watch ER. Should be interesting!
I feel like Dr. Taylor should be older than 30s.
ReplyDeletepg 2 - 'pupils get larger' probably more likely that his eyes would widen
Dr. Ryan is an intern but is the same age as Dr. Lawrence? Lawrence should be older.
Sorry, I know I'm putting a lot of emphasis on age, but that's always one thing that takes me out of films and makes them look like student films to me, when the ages are completely off or all the same.
pg 5 - 'They are both really excited, but try not to show it' is Dr. Lawrence really that excited? He's a full fledged doctor, he's already been through a billion operations.
The character names - I know I mentioned it last time, but it's still a confusing thing for me when I read the script - they're just too similar. I'm sure it'll be fine visually though, if you don't change them.
By starting the camera on Jen in all of the flashbacks and then having Tom enter, the audience automatically knows somethings going to happen to Jen, not sure if you want them to know already or if you want it to be a total surprise.
pg 10 - Tom's been working with Dr. Morgan for two years, yet this is the first time he's gotten too close to a patient? I feel like something like that would happen earlier in his time at the hospital.
Pg 6. So glad you changed the couples play fight scene I definitely think this is more age appropriate and sounds a lot more realistic.
ReplyDeletePg.15 I really like the way you intercut the two chaotic operating scenes. Very dramatic and gives those scenes that hectic chaotic feel they need.
Pg 16. So I like that Tom cares about her more, however, I feel the effect that he was way too into his work has worn down a little bit. I liked that he didn’t leave his patient to go see his wife. I feel this added a lot to the story. It’s harsh and depressing but really gets your point across. I feel that you should put that back in and then at the end try and show Tom with more guilt.
Overall I think you did a great job with your revisions, you cleared a lot of parts up that needed to be fixed. Good job ☺
Second draft gives off a fully rounded story.
ReplyDeletePage 4- Today if possible, sounds a little unrealistic. Maybe he can just say, "if it has spread, I want you to take it out right then, while I'm under"
Page 6- same concern as Chris, Lordly? or Lordy?
Page 7- When Dr. Taylor says "but you have gotten too close this time" it sounds a little cheesy, maybe she should say "but you have to be careful not to get too involved. I think you have already crossed that line with the Milani's. You too Dr. Lawrence" and then cut her continued line after that.
Page 12- Their fight seems a little soap opera-ish, was that what you wanted here?
I feel the tension in the finals scenes with Mr. Roth. Nice work.
Also, another thing I agree with Chris on is the use of good actors. They will be critical to your story.
Hey Dominique- love the changes you made! I feel that the relationship between Jen and Tom is a lot more close and that they do care about each other. I can see that Jen and Tom really do want to make it work but they have different values.
ReplyDeleteI am a bit confused at the end- I feel when he finds out there should be a little more to this moment... more of a pause. It was too quick. Maybe he should lose completely all the color in his face and look up with a concern on his face and then run out! Also, I feel kinda dumb about this, but on pagers, can you read full txts? Sorry, not familiar with pagers. I feel that if someone paged him, he would just get word to come to another operating room (without knowing it was jen) OR get word that Jen is in trouble. In a hospital, I would think if they paged him, they would either tell him to come to the operating room without telling who it was so he doesn't freak out... Whoever is paging him would not want him to interfere with the surgery and tell him to race in. Just a thought. Maybe have him get paged that it is urgent about Jen, he runs out frantically looking for his doctor friend Ryan to tell him where she is. Ryan knows that he shouldn't tell him but he has to.
(I hope this makes sense- I am running on 2 hours of sleep for the past 3 nights so words are not flowing out of me well haha sorry)
Also, I'm guessing Jen go into a car crash yes?
Other than that I feel the changes you made make the story much stronger and flow a lot better!!!! Gunna be INTENSE!!!!
I like the changes made. The flashbacks are good, it really shows how their relationship has slowly deteriorated and his work has taken over his life. Doing this makes the ending more believable, that this doctor would choose his patent over his own wife. Especially if his patient is the one who caused the accident with his wife. That was one thing I was wondering about. Was it Robert who ran a red light and hit Jennifer's car? That will definitely tug on some heartstrings.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused trying to follow who was who, but I know a bunch of the other comments have already talked about that.
Anyway, great changes!