Page 5- no big deal but theres a typo on "He motions towards the painting in FRONT of him"
Page 9- another minor typo "dropping the cigarette in the ASHTRAY"
Page 9- I am a little confused here. Did David draw all those sketches of Sam and Alex or did they just appear? If he did draw them, how does he know what Alex looks like? he only saw his silhouette.
Page 11- another small thing, you have back pack twice and then backpack. Is it two words or one?
I really like the addition of Alex really searching for art supplies around his room. It really helps show that he has some inner desire to meet David and they share a unique connection.
So sweet the blue marker and the lake scene.
Will these pictures by the little boy be super professional or will they look like an elementary school kid did them?
Although this is quite long, I feel like you should put something in there with Sam and David that shows that Sam is missing him. Because she leaves David because he doesn't want Alex but then at the end she just jumps into the painting and they all live happily ever after. I am not sure if that works. I understand the main relationship is between Alex and David, however, Sam's character seems half developed.
Other than that, everything looks great! I am so excited to see you make this film come alive. Have you decided between half AZ and half NY? because you have the scenes with the Taxi's which don't necessarily need to be NY Taxis since NY isn't really a character here. If any location is a character, I'd say it's their dream land.
P04: I think it'd be nice to foreshadow Alex having issues in school here when Sam asks about it. Have Alex hesitate a bit or something to that extent.
P10: The reason why I mentioned the suggestion above was because I felt the principal scene here was a bit too abrupt in the storyline. It felt more like an after thought just because of how short this conversation is. Maybe if the principal was faceless in that we don't ever see her.
You could always drop the scene all together and Sam could get a report card revealing the same idea of disruptiveness.
P16: Visually, I think Alex blinking to snap out of it instead of, or in addition to shaking his head would be good. Just the idea that his eyes are wide open, not blinking like he's in a trance, then he blinks, would just be interesting.
I'm a little iffy on the ending. I personally want to see them meet in reality (as well as the painting world) just because the painting world seems a bit shallow in terms of end satisfaction. They don't have to necessarily have everything patched up, but I feel I want to see David learning that there's more to life than his getaway paradise.
But overall, it seems that the final product will be amazing, particularly in the visual aspect. A tough shoot for sure, but the payoff seems like it'll be very much worth it.
I am really excited to see how this one turns out. I think the visuals will be amazing but you definitely have your work cut out for ya.
I agree with Chelsea how we need to see the Sam character missing David. I think you could fix it easily with a few changes. You could show her looking sad at an old painting she made for her or even add some dialogue for her when she is talking with Alex. I think its an easy thing to fix, just something to think about.
In the end, I really like how they all meet in the painting. There is only one thing that kinda bothers me, but I don't think it is a real issue. I can't help but think of both Sam and Alex in the park both sitting in a daze state while they are in the dreamland. Its probably just me and I don't think it can be fixed, but I just keep thinking when they are in the dreamland, what do they look like in real life (kinda creepy both of them staring off into space in a park). I'm not sure if this can be fixed but just my thought process.
Overall I am really excited to see this one! Let me know if you need extra hands, I'd love to help!
This script seems pretty solid now. I think that the story is well thought out and structured nicely. I think that your ending works. I really have no criticism to give about your script.
The website for your film journal didn't work for me.
It's a great story and I think it is going to turn out beautifully. The only problem I have is that, from what I understood, Sam left David because he wouldn't leave this world behind. Then in the end she returns with Alex and everything is alright. It seemed like she hated that this art world came back into her life, so returning to it at the end without any compromise doesn't feel right. I think David needs to go through some type of change. Maybe since Alex hints at living in a big city, David searches the real world instead of the fantasy world for Alex. Just in some way show that they can reach a happy medium between reality and fantasy so their happily ever after can be more realistic. That's really it... I am really curious to see how this turns out!
i really love the changes done to the beginning narration; i can already imagine what you will do with it. i do have to agree with everyone when they say i wish sam would show that she missed david somehow, i think if you are able to put this in that it would make the piece that much stronger.
The beginning narration is written very, very well. It just sucks you in, which is awesome. The way it's worded reminds me of Beauty and the Beast.
I really like the relationship between the mother and child. It's very natural. I think the pacing of each scene is very good. Not too long or too short.
I like the addition of the sketch of the cave. I also like the additions on pages 10 & 11.
The script is very well done and I can't wait to see how this will turn out. However, the link to your journal did not work for me.
I want them to be a family at the end, but I don't know why Sam would want David back. I can understand that even though they weren't together their love was still alive, but maybe at the end have David say that her leaving was a bad thing for him. Or when Sam is with the principle, the principle could make a comment that Alex needs a male figure then Sam could say she wishes he had one or something to that effect. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I really like the ending. Thank you for cutting Sam's last line. That just did not fit. I really like that we dolly out of the image of them staring at each other to the painting of all three of them.
I personally like this ending, but some people want the ending not to be in the dreamland but in reality. IF you were to go that route, I'd have it in Sam's and Alex's home. Then Sam says dinner's ready and out comes Alex then Sam sits. And the audience is wondering if Sam and David are together or not? Then finally David comes out and joins them at the table. But i'm just rambling on now. lol
Overall, this is very good work. I really like this piece. Good job.
Nick, If alex is 6 the dialogue for him seems a bit unrealistic and forced. I don't think kids speak that properly maybe look over that a bit more and try and make it less formal? There isn’t much dialogue but a lot of description you may want to think of adding a bit more dialogue. Also the dialogue between Sam and Alex just doesn’t seem like it would be dialogue between a mother and her 6 year old son. I love this idea it reminds me of a book when I was younger where the little boy drew things that became real life. I love you’re idea and its really original and interesting. I think it needs more dialogue but good job so far :)
pg 18 - I think he would go for the cityscape painting first considering Alex just told him he lived in the city
Nick, I've got nothing. I'm excited to work on this movie and that's it. The one thing I would suggest is to make Alex older. Six seems too young for him to be disrupting teachers and such because he would only be in kindergarden at that point - I say make him nine.
I enjoy all the changes and I feel like they all contribute. However I'm concerned this may run a little long, further complicating production (I have the same problem with my film). If you don't want to cut, however, I understand I say go for it!
The new ending leaves a very nice note that I really enjoy. BIG improvement
it's a nice open, but very ambitious 2; i'm wondering of folks will be confused by cutting to David and then to sc with Alex and Sam 7; i'm not quite "seeing" the cave scene and how that plays out; big gap issue here 12; i'm not getting the connection between Alex and David; son-father? did i miss something? i get that they meet in an imaginary space, which i like, but the connection isn't clear of resonate to me 15; the trance is very compelling; but this is feeling undercooked in some way; i think you need to get to this earlier; and i don't see how this connects to the open 16; i don't buy that she would blame art all of the sudden 23; ending pretty unsatisfying right now; it doesn't reflect what is at stake; or i don't get it; maybe it's just undercooked as well; let's discuss what you want to leave your audience with; what do you want to communicate thematically; what are you trying to say; and what do you want them to feel; the journal stuff (writing chapter) will help a lot with this; once you answer those questions, go back a review them, meditate on what you've written; refine your concepts; you will get there; there is A LOT here.
Page 5- no big deal but theres a typo on "He motions towards the painting in FRONT of him"
ReplyDeletePage 9- another minor typo "dropping the cigarette in the ASHTRAY"
Page 9- I am a little confused here. Did David draw all those sketches of Sam and Alex or did they just appear? If he did draw them, how does he know what Alex looks like? he only saw his silhouette.
Page 11- another small thing, you have back pack twice and then backpack. Is it two words or one?
I really like the addition of Alex really searching for art supplies around his room. It really helps show that he has some inner desire to meet David and they share a unique connection.
So sweet the blue marker and the lake scene.
Will these pictures by the little boy be super professional or will they look like an elementary school kid did them?
Although this is quite long, I feel like you should put something in there with Sam and David that shows that Sam is missing him. Because she leaves David because he doesn't want Alex but then at the end she just jumps into the painting and they all live happily ever after. I am not sure if that works. I understand the main relationship is between Alex and David, however, Sam's character seems half developed.
Other than that, everything looks great! I am so excited to see you make this film come alive. Have you decided between half AZ and half NY? because you have the scenes with the Taxi's which don't necessarily need to be NY Taxis since NY isn't really a character here. If any location is a character, I'd say it's their dream land.
Again, just for the sake of posting a comment. One of the writer's. So. I won't comment on this.
ReplyDeleteBut, I will say this. Nick, I like what you and Jen did with the revamping of the opening voice over
There are some changes to the ending part of the voice over i think we should maek, but I'll talk to you about that later
ReplyDeleteP04: I think it'd be nice to foreshadow Alex having issues in school here when Sam asks about it. Have Alex hesitate a bit or something to that extent.
ReplyDeleteP10: The reason why I mentioned the suggestion above was because I felt the principal scene here was a bit too abrupt in the storyline. It felt more like an after thought just because of how short this conversation is. Maybe if the principal was faceless in that we don't ever see her.
You could always drop the scene all together and Sam could get a report card revealing the same idea of disruptiveness.
P16: Visually, I think Alex blinking to snap out of it instead of, or in addition to shaking his head would be good. Just the idea that his eyes are wide open, not blinking like he's in a trance, then he blinks, would just be interesting.
I'm a little iffy on the ending. I personally want to see them meet in reality (as well as the painting world) just because the painting world seems a bit shallow in terms of end satisfaction. They don't have to necessarily have everything patched up, but I feel I want to see David learning that there's more to life than his getaway paradise.
But overall, it seems that the final product will be amazing, particularly in the visual aspect. A tough shoot for sure, but the payoff seems like it'll be very much worth it.
I am really excited to see how this one turns out. I think the visuals will be amazing but you definitely have your work cut out for ya.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chelsea how we need to see the Sam character missing David. I think you could fix it easily with a few changes. You could show her looking sad at an old painting she made for her or even add some dialogue for her when she is talking with Alex. I think its an easy thing to fix, just something to think about.
In the end, I really like how they all meet in the painting. There is only one thing that kinda bothers me, but I don't think it is a real issue. I can't help but think of both Sam and Alex in the park both sitting in a daze state while they are in the dreamland. Its probably just me and I don't think it can be fixed, but I just keep thinking when they are in the dreamland, what do they look like in real life (kinda creepy both of them staring off into space in a park). I'm not sure if this can be fixed but just my thought process.
Overall I am really excited to see this one! Let me know if you need extra hands, I'd love to help!
This script seems pretty solid now. I think that the story is well thought out and structured nicely. I think that your ending works. I really have no criticism to give about your script.
ReplyDeleteThe website for your film journal didn't work for me.
Nick,
ReplyDeleteIt's a great story and I think it is going to turn out beautifully. The only problem I have is that, from what I understood, Sam left David because he wouldn't leave this world behind. Then in the end she returns with Alex and everything is alright. It seemed like she hated that this art world came back into her life, so returning to it at the end without any compromise doesn't feel right. I think David needs to go through some type of change. Maybe since Alex hints at living in a big city, David searches the real world instead of the fantasy world for Alex. Just in some way show that they can reach a happy medium between reality and fantasy so their happily ever after can be more realistic. That's really it... I am really curious to see how this turns out!
hey nick
ReplyDeletei really love the changes done to the beginning narration; i can already imagine what you will do with it. i do have to agree with everyone when they say i wish sam would show that she missed david somehow, i think if you are able to put this in that it would make the piece that much stronger.
The beginning narration is written very, very well. It just sucks you in, which is awesome. The way it's worded reminds me of Beauty and the Beast.
ReplyDeleteI really like the relationship between the mother and child. It's very natural. I think the pacing of each scene is very good. Not too long or too short.
I like the addition of the sketch of the cave. I also like the additions on pages 10 & 11.
The script is very well done and I can't wait to see how this will turn out. However, the link to your journal did not work for me.
I want them to be a family at the end, but I don't know why Sam would want David back. I can understand that even though they weren't together their love was still alive, but maybe at the end have David say that her leaving was a bad thing for him. Or when Sam is with the principle, the principle could make a comment that Alex needs a male figure then Sam could say she wishes he had one or something to that effect. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I really like the ending. Thank you for cutting Sam's last line. That just did not fit. I really like that we dolly out of the image of them staring at each other to the painting of all three of them.
I personally like this ending, but some people want the ending not to be in the dreamland but in reality. IF you were to go that route, I'd have it in Sam's and Alex's home. Then Sam says dinner's ready and out comes Alex then Sam sits. And the audience is wondering if Sam and David are together or not? Then finally David comes out and joins them at the table. But i'm just rambling on now. lol
Overall, this is very good work. I really like this piece. Good job.
Nick,
ReplyDeleteIf alex is 6 the dialogue for him seems a bit unrealistic and forced. I don't think kids speak that properly maybe look over that a bit more and try and make it less formal? There isn’t much dialogue but a lot of description you may want to think of adding a bit more dialogue. Also the dialogue between Sam and Alex just doesn’t seem like it would be dialogue between a mother and her 6 year old son. I love this idea it reminds me of a book when I was younger where the little boy drew things that became real life. I love you’re idea and its really original and interesting. I think it needs more dialogue but good job so far :)
pg 18 - I think he would go for the cityscape painting first considering Alex just told him he lived in the city
ReplyDeleteNick, I've got nothing. I'm excited to work on this movie and that's it. The one thing I would suggest is to make Alex older. Six seems too young for him to be disrupting teachers and such because he would only be in kindergarden at that point - I say make him nine.
I enjoy all the changes and I feel like they all contribute. However I'm concerned this may run a little long, further complicating production (I have the same problem with my film). If you don't want to cut, however, I understand I say go for it!
ReplyDeleteThe new ending leaves a very nice note that I really enjoy. BIG improvement
it's a nice open, but very ambitious
ReplyDelete2; i'm wondering of folks will be confused by cutting to David and then to sc with Alex and Sam
7; i'm not quite "seeing" the cave scene and how that plays out; big gap issue here
12; i'm not getting the connection between Alex and David; son-father? did i miss something?
i get that they meet in an imaginary space, which i like, but the connection isn't clear of resonate to me
15; the trance is very compelling; but this is feeling undercooked in some way; i think you need to get to this earlier; and i don't see how this connects to the open
16; i don't buy that she would blame art all of the sudden
23; ending pretty unsatisfying right now; it doesn't reflect what is at stake; or i don't get it; maybe it's just undercooked as well; let's discuss what you want to leave your audience with; what do you want to communicate thematically; what are you trying to say; and what do you want them to feel; the journal stuff (writing chapter) will help a lot with this; once you answer those questions, go back a review them, meditate on what you've written; refine your concepts; you will get there; there is A LOT here.